I’m No Expert…

I’m no expert but if a guy is planning on embarking on a March Break road trip with his family and several others, you’d think he’d want to pay close attention to the itinerary, right?

For example, if a middle-aged Bostonian D-Bag is told by his wife that Niagara Falls is on the agenda, and if that destination is one of the places said D-Bag regularly visits with his high school age mistress – and on occasion, some of her friends – you’d think he’d pipe up and say something like:

“I adore you and only you, honey… but I hear Niagara Falls is a focal point for that new zombie cat virus they just discovered.. and it may be jumping species to humans.”

Or something like that. Admittedly, I’m not well-versed in the art of marital deception. Let’s face it, even if I was, my luck would run our sooner or later and I’d be dead by now, and death by frying pan to the back of the skull does not appeal to me…

But back to the cheating bastard in question. This schmuck had the misfortune of encountering three separate individuals who recognized, and worse, acknowledged him in front of his spouse. (Travel Tip: Hotels will often program their reservation system to display a “Welcome The Guest Back To Our Property!” note for Front Desk Agents to utilize, so if you’re planning on ‘going undercover’ keep that in mind.)

As a bellman I’m well-versed in dealing with those who are well-versed in marital deception so I know better than to say, “Nice to see you again!” when I recognize a cheater. Sadly, I have yet to be charged with the task of creating a real world training program for new hires so this sort of thing is going to continue to happen.

But that works out well for all of you, doesn’t it?

As for the cheating bastard, I’ve no idea if his jig was up (which would seriously impair his chances of getting anything up again) but I know for certain his wife was not impressed when the Front Desk Agent recognized him and inquired where his “stunning daughter” was – especially when his spouse countered with, “We have two sons! Who’s he talking about Howard?”

Poor, poor, horny Howard. It’s tough to be a criminal mastermind when all the blood’s rushing away from your brain, isn’t it?

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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34 Responses to I’m No Expert…

  1. Catherine Townsend-Lyon, Author & Columnist says:


    You just started my day off with a “Laugh and a Smile”!!! Poor bastard, I hope he got that frying PAN! Now, this is what a “dumb criminal” would,…. go back to the scene of the crime. LOL…LOL What an IDIOT! Hope you enjoy your vaca….

    Cat Lyon 🙂

  2. nbratscott says:

    Will you acknowledge this trip the next time you see him with the younger one?

  3. davidprosser says:

    Nope. I can’t feel any pity for him in me at all, maybe I’m missing that particular gene or maybe I feel more for the poor embarrassed wife when she finds out like this and knows the front desk agent is probably finding the whole situation funny as he’s known what’s going on even though he’s keeping a very straight face.The poor wife knows her holiday is over at this point even though she may carry on for the boys sake.

  4. Marion Hardy says:

    You are truly a treasure trove of useful information Hook! Would have loved to witness that scene.

  5. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh

  6. curvyroads says:

    Howard deserves everything he gets for his stupidity…

  7. Josh Wrenn says:

    Bah! I wonder how much the attorney’s fees will be!

  8. StillWaters says:

    This reminds me of a great line from an episode of “Nothing Too Good For A Cowboy”: “A man was given a brain and a hootoo, and enough blood to operate one at a time.” Seems Howard shelved his brain for some serious serial philandering. What a toad.

  9. Especially when all that blood is preparing the body to faint.

  10. Tara says:

    I’d beg to differ. I think you ARE an expert, though not from personal experience but rather peripheral experience. And I agree with Marion, you are definitely a treasure trove of knowledge. Thank God for you.

  11. List of X says:

    Actually, if the guy is a serial philanderer, he might very well have a real stunning daughter his wife have never met.

  12. hehehe This is yet another example of the wisdom in leading a simple, simple life. One wife. She’s ALWAYS right. Because in the end, she controls the blood flow…

  13. I like whens big ole dumb egos to take people down.

  14. shimoniac says:

    Every time I think we’ve hit bottom, someone starts blasting a new crater.

  15. To quote a great man “Stupid is as stupid does!” What an I.D.I.O.T.!

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