First off, no, I didn’t screw up royally at home.
Though, let’s face it… I will sooner or later, so this post should buy me a bit of goodwill/credit when that happens.
To suggest that February is a busy month in my home is to suggest Kanye West has a bit of an ego problem. My birthday. My wife’s birthday. Valentine’s Day. Our anniversary. They’re not just opportunities for me to screw up and say/do something incredibly stupid, they all happen this month.
Yeah, I’m pretty knackered by March. This is the perfect storm of personal holidays. Since I have a lot of gift buying to do this month I thought I’d start with a confession. So here, kiddies, are a few reasons why I love my wife more than bacon, comic books, TV, movies and 1980s music combined.
100) She smells great! I meet a lot of women who smell like vanity and cheap perfume. I hate that.
99) Her smile really does light up a room. I’m serious; she’s great to have around in case of a blackout.
98) She always pays her taxes. Hey, remember I have to come up with a hundred of these…
97) She’s ridiculously-patient. After all, she’s been married to me for over twenty years.
Speaking of which…
96) She’s not Roman Catholic – or dead – but she’s already qualified for Sainthood.
95) She’s never killed anyone. That we know of. Being married to me though… she’s come close.
94) All the squirrels and birds in our neighborhood are smitten with her; they come around every day. (And leave “care packages” all over the porch.) My wife is a Disney princess come to life.
93) Elvis is her favorite artist of all time and her love for the King has made a believer of me.
92) She doesn’t own any firearms, something I am grateful for every time I tick her off…
91) There are no Nickelback CDs in our home.
90) She lets me do things to her that no other girl has ever consented to before.
Like take her out for a second date.
89) I may not appreciate it at the time, but she’s religious when it comes to keeping me away from foods that will eventually leave me with more chins than a Chinese phone book.
And in the flip-side…
88) Like me, she’s not religious.
87) She once slammed a door so hard, the paint exploded of the frame! Granted, the paint was already chipped and bubbled… but I was still impressed.
86) Her pixie-like laugh is infectious and never fails to make me smile.
85) The Good Lord gave her a backside that is to die for.
84) She’s notoriously-shy and private. (So I’m going to take a beating for that last point.)
83) Anyone who will happily accompany me to a slew of comic book conventions is a good egg. Okay, so “happily” may not be the right word… But in spite of her lack of love for all things nerdy, she went anyway.
82) She’s constantly evolving and improving upon perfection; baking classes and knitting clubs are just the tip of the iceberg.
81) Political-correctness has no place in her life; she calls ’em like she sees ’em.
80) I’ve never seen anyone treat seniors with more respect and dignity.
79) Getting lost in her eyes is one of my favorite pastimes.
78) If I was on death row – most likely for finally taking out a guest with a stack of luggage tags – I’d want her lasagna to be my last meal. Yes, it’s that good.
77) Family is everything to her. In a genuine way, not in a Sopranos, “Respect the family!” kinda way.
76) Our mutual distaste for Celine Dion’s music has brought us even closer together. Yes, Celine has gone through the wringer lately… but a joke’s a joke. Period.
#75 – 25 ARE CLASSIFIED, BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY, THEY INVOLVE SUBJECTS THAT ARE… (SHALL WE SAY “SAUCY”?). AND SO I’M NOT COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING THEM IN PUBLIC. PLUS, THE WIFE HAS A HELLUVA RIGHT ME…
A “right me”… get it? Because I’m “The Hook”. Okay, that one was an epic fail. Moving on…
24) She laughs at 45% of my jokes. That’s a 44% improvement. I’m happy with that.
23) She’s the hottest mom I know.
My wife would kill me if I posted a pic of her, so we’ll go with the lovely Helen Hunt, who starred in one of our favorite shows, Mad About You, and who has always reminded me of my wife.
22) She loves shows like The Vampire Diaries and The Originals but refuses to be classified as a nerd. She’s got moxie.
21) I love her moxie.
20) Our daughter couldn’t ask for a more spirited, dedicated, loving best friend/creator.
And speaking of parenting…
19) She picks up the parenting ball and runs with it every time I drop it. Which, by the way, is a lot. Hell, I’ve even dropped our daughter more than once.
18) I can tell her anything. I may get my ass kicked nine ways to Sunday afterwards, but that’s not the point.
17) She’s trustworthy beyond measure.
16) After twenty-one years of marriage (almost), holding her hand still turns me on.
Of course, as she reads this, my wife is thinking, “A strong breeze turns you on, Skippy!”
15) She’s stayed married tome for twenty-one years (almost).
14) She calls me Skippy. Ours is a complicated relationship.
13) I love our complicated relationship. Simplicity is boring as hell.
12) She likes nice things but she’s not vain or greedy. Trust me, this is a wonderfully invaluable quality when one considers she married a bellman…
11) She looks like an angel while sleeping. But if you try to wake her up? Well, let’s just say she could make Satan wet his pants and leave it at that, shall we?
10) There have been some pretty dark moments in my distant past, the memories of which haunt me to this day, but I’ve never felt more at peace than when I’m with her. She’s better than one of those CDs that sound like the ocean.
9) She cooks for me. I love food. It’s the best.
8) She runs our household. I’m not being sexist; if it were up to me, we’d be homeless and washing our hair in rain water, which may actually be cleaner, but it sounds pretty messed up, doesn’t it?
7) My wife saved me from myself. Who wouldn’t love someone like that?
6) Although she’s realistic, she still believes in the goodness of mankind and is genuinely surprised and disheartened by man’s inhumanity to man.
5) She sees the best in me, even when I refuse to.
4) She’s the Scully to my Mulder.
3) Loving my wife has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. She challenges me every day.
2) She tells me, “I love you.” I never get tired of hearing that.
1) She shows me how much she loves me – every single day.
Yes, I did, Helen… then I met my wife.
All right, enough of this sappy stuff. I’m out.
See you in the lobby, kids…