Admit it, when you think of Niagara Falls you instantly think of all the great places to have mind-blowing coitus, right?
Or maybe not.
Well, either way, sex is on the agenda today, folks. And why shouldn’t it be, right? After all, while sex certainly isn’t the most important thing in our lives, when enacted properly and with a loving partner it enriches our existence. Plus, having an orgasm releases an extra shot of serotonin to your brain, and I don’t know about you, but I lay awake at night wondering just how I’m going to get more serotonin to my brain-box.
Yeah, the wife wasn’t moved by that argument either…
Time to get back on track, I guess. The sex track, that is.
To be clear, you’re only going to be reading about sex. So don’t get your hopes – or anything else – up. Let’s face facts, when most couples travel together sex becomes the most powerful underlying element.
“Will the change of scenery make it even better?”
“Will the change of venue make my partner more receptive to exploring new territory?”
“Will I forget my Clifford The Big Red Dog costume again?”
Don’t you hate when that happens?
Okay, so this isn’t exactly hot – to most people – but it proves that anything goes in Niagara Falls.
At any rate, sex on the road – or in a hotel room – isn’t always easy to pull off. (So to speak.) And if you’re traveling with the family, it becomes almost impossible to find time to be together in the Biblical sense. But lucky for you, your old buddy, The Hook, is here to help. My hometown isn’t exactly considered a romantic hot spot, to say the least, but depending on your comfort level, there are plenty of coital options to choose from. To be brutally honest, the majestic natural beauty of the Falls and the raw power of all that water is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Let’s start with the traditional options ( for the vanilla folks, of course). There are several romantic hotels within Niagara proper but I’m not going to recommend any one in particular. (Being employed by one renders me ridiculously-biased.) Do your virtual homework and you’ll hit the jackpot – in more ways than one. Of course, most people are thinking, “Who cares about the room, Hook? We’ll be staring at the ceiling or the pillow anyways!”
Trust me, it matters. Especially if you’re the traditional-but-slightly-adventurous type; as a blogger/people-watcher extraordinaire I often take strolls along the various hotel strips and scan the windows. (Yes, I know how that sounds but what you call “peeping” I refer to as “research”, so shut up. What are you, a cop?) If you’re lucky – and I often am – you’ll spot more than one couple being “romantic” against the glass.
And that, kids, is the real reason hotels use double-pained glass. Nobody wants a headline that says, “Naked, humping tourists plummet twenty stories to their embarrassing deaths in Niagara Falls.”
That’s not good for business, folks.
So always choose a property that cares about their guests. Even if you don’t plan on spending much time examining the room’s furnishings/design while you’re caught up in the throes of passion, you should at least care about your partner – and yourself – enough to get the very best. That you can afford, of course. Remember, when it comes to travel, always obey one of my Golden Rules:
“If it’s going to affect your credit report, you must abort!”
Yes, you’re right, Johnnie Cochrane would sue my ass off if he could. Thank God he’s dead.
If you’re serious about pursuing a romantic rendezvous in the Niagara region – and if your budget can accommodate it – then you have to visit Niagara-on-the-Lake. NOTL (as we locals refer to it) is one of the most stunning and certainly romantic, spots on the face of the planet.
Horse drawn carriages. (No using little kids to draw carriages for NOTL. They’re not like other tourism operators.)
Wineries. (Chicks dig wine. And horses, of course.)
Fort George. See the war of 1812 come to life with live musket fire, kids! (Or not.)
High tea in some of the classiest joints in the country.
I don’t know who these broads are either, but they certainly look ready for coitus after sipping some of that classy and delicious tea, don’t they?
Romance drips from the trees in NOTL (wear a raincoat) so if you can’t get laid there you might as well give up and move back in with your parents, Poindexter.
For those folks hoping to recapture their youth, Niagara-on-the-Lake has many fine “parking” spots right off the Niagara Parkway leading into town. And you don’t have to worry about the Niagara Regional Police or the Niagara Parks Police; as long as everyone is a consenting adult, that is. (Cops get horny too.)
And for those of you who are truly outrageous – and your local authorities and Bible thumpers know who you are – NOTL is home to many trails and wooded areas. I’m not necessarily condoning woodland sex but if it feels good and no one gets hurt? I say grab a blanket, a picnic basket loaded with lube, energy bars and water, and go for it! Just be sure to pick a secluded spot. Unfortunately, I’ve made that mistake before. That was one family of six that will never forget their trip to the Niagara region, that’s for sure.
I’ve always wondered if Grandma survived that heart attack…
Finally, if you’re truly fearless when it comes to sexual shenanigans, you can always wait until nightfall and find a dark corner in the glorious Oakes Garden Theatre and get busy! (Just watch out for the Niagara Parks Police and your fellow travelers.)
Plenty of awesome spots to rock your worlds here, friends. Though, fair warning, you’re going to get bruised; stone is not the softest material to hump on…
To sum up, Niagara isn’t the chaste, boring destination the guide books make it out to be. Let’s face it, most of those so-called “travel experts” aren’t exactly in tune with the times, to say the least. With some exceptions, of course. So if you’re going to be in Canada and you’re feeling randy, babies, get your sexy selves to Niagara Falls or NOTL and do as the rabbits do.
See you in the lobby, folks… where you’re not allowed to have sex, by the way.
So wait until the middle of the night…