This is it, kids, the end has come.
Enjoy. Again, my apologies for the change, but as I’ve had to tell the wife before… I swear my intentions were good, but I just wasn’t up to the task. And now, on with the “bonus” post!
I’ll say it again: elevators really are wondrous places where anything can happen.
Especially in Niagara Falls, Canada, at the height of summer.
Picture if you’d be so kind, a statuesque lady with black-as-coal hair-but-ultra-white-flesh. She’s rail thin, in her Twenties and has eyes so deep set, they appear to be two miniature black holes. She has a Jokeresque grin etched on her face and an attitude to match, as she displayed when she walked onto a crowded elevator and spotted The Hook in his little bellman’s uniform.
Okay, so this is not an accurate rendering of what I was dealing with… but who cares?
Did I mention her leopard-print outfit that was so tight and high-cut it defied reason? Seriously, if she had even coughed and bent over slightly, her vajayjay would have been on full display.
RAVEN: (Hey, it’s as good a name as any, right?) Look at you in your little bellboy’s uniform!
Of course, the entire population of the elevator (one black family and one Asian clan) giggled as we stopped at various floors and disappointed dozens of guests who soon discovered there was no room at the inn, I mean elevator.
ME: Why, thank you, miss.
RAVEN: Mind you, I’d never wear anything that ugly! You look like a retarded waiter in that drab, grey thing! No offense… but you really look bad! Like nasty bad! Again, no offense, but how do you come to work everyday and face the public in that thing?
Again, her female companion (a small blonde waif) and the entire elevator yukked it up at my expense. Now, after so many years in the hospitality trenches I have a pretty thick skin… but enough was enough.
ME: No offense taken, miss. Now I have a query for you… when you crossed the border into Canada, did they ask you if your dress was up-to-date on its shots?
As I’d hoped, everyone turned on Raven and broke up in raucous laughter.
But she wasn’t beat.
RAVEN: Oh yeah? Is that all you got… bellboy?
ME: All bets are off, miss?
RAVEN: Of course! Gimme your best shot!
SBW: Careful, Megan! The last guy you said that to stuck it in in your… well, you know…
RAVEN: Shut up, Chrissy!
Again, the elevator broke up – this time in gasps. But since the gauntlet had been thrown down, I charged ahead.
ME: (Throwing down a coin in front of Raven.) Here’s a Canadian dollar… reach down for it… I dare you.
This time, the elevator went as silent as Kim Kardashian’s conscience.
For a moment at least.
RAVEN: (In a voice that bounced off the compacted elevator’s walls like a rubber ball.) OH! THAT… WAS… AWESOME, ROBERT!!!
There you have it; I won her respect by ripping her to shreds. The chick ended up digging me.
See you in the lobby, kids…