Who Is The Hook, Really?

Here we go, kids, another chapter in the ongoing exploration of my psyche.

Brace yourselves, this one gets a bit salty…

To better understand Robert “The Hook” Hookey, one need only look at the following scenario that recently unfolded in a Niagara Falls hotel room. I arrived at Room 1456 at ten in the morning, ready to serve a small army of bachelorettes… no, we’re not at the salty part yet.


The ladies in question ran the gamut of the current models of young, randy females available in the human marketplace today:

  • A ridiculously-statuesque brunette with penetrating hazel eyes.
  • Two petite redheads whose combined smiles could light the Falls at night – for a month.
  • A blonde with the finest chest medical science is capable of producing.
  • The requisite funky black chick straight out of In Living Color. 
  • Three drunk chicks with thick New York accents who obviously hated their livers.
  • A Persian girl who had no place in this motley group, as she was bright, articulate and sober.

bridesmaids-movie-galsOf course, because it was my luggage call, the girls decided against shutting off the overpriced hotel porn they were watching at ten o’clock in the morning. I should have known something was up when I heard all the awkward giggling and cat calls down the hall long before I reached the room.

But I didn’t – so the blame falls on me. As always. And so I was greeted with:

“Hey, Mr. Bellguy… check this out!”

The gals directed my attention to the scene unfolding on the television:

  •  A tall, incredibly-gorgeous, raven-haired beauty was “playing” a hospital patient.
  •  A petite strawberry-blonde was her far-too-eager-to-please nurse.
  •  In typical adult film fashion, a sponge bath quickly developed into a tongue bath.
  •  Granted, there was some husky voice-over narration from the nurse, but who pays attention to such things?

“Well… what do you think of that, Mr. Bellguy?”

And here’s where it gets interesting, kids.

ME:  Well… they’re both perfectly capable lipstick lesbians…

DRUNK CHICK #1:  What’s a “lipstick lesbian”? Are you checking out their make-up, Robert? Because you’re supposed to be checking out their bodies!

I have to give her credit; I can’t believe she could read my name-tag.

FUNKY BLACK CHICK:  No, baby! A “lipstick lesbian” is a porn chick who really isn’t into the whole lesbian thing… she just gives the other chick a few quick licks!

THE TALL BRUNETTE:  Oh, like my boyfriend does!

Don’t you just love how open people are these days? It’s a blogger’s dream, kids.

ME:  (Through intense laughter.)  What I’m trying to say is… while both the ladies are great lipstick lesbians… the “nurse” is wearing high heels. Nurses are on their feet all the time… those shoes are a terrible choice!

As one might expect, the ladies were stunned beyond words.

And so I continued my commentary.

ME:  And look at this! Now the nurse is retrieving a sex toy from a medical cabinet in the room! It’s not even hidden… it’s just sitting there in the top drawer! Who’s running this hospital… Jenna Jameson?

Yes, the ladies were dumbfounded – more than usual. Their response, almost in unison, said it all:

“You’re not like any bellguy we’ve ever met, Robert! You’re fuckin’ HILARIOUS!”

That’s me in a nutshell: the guy who nitpicks a porn scene between two super hot lipstick lesbians while surrounded by a roomful of horny bachelorettes.

See you in the lobby, folks…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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13 Responses to Who Is The Hook, Really?

  1. Just the thought of you bringing sensible shoes into play has me crying! Orthopedic shoes could kill any mood … really now.

  2. Holly says:

    For some reason I have “Calling Dr. Love” in my head now.

  3. Just once I would like to be your assistant. No need to pay me and I’ll even pop for the uniform and travel expenses. An eight-hour shift is all I would need for at least two books.

  4. 🙂 Just another day for you :). Made me
    Laugh more than I have all day. So funny

  5. curvyroads says:

    Someone’s got to critique their porn, right?

    🙂 Got me laughing this fine AM.

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