You won’t read this for a few days (thank you, WordPress’ scheduling feature, for saving my Canadian bacon once again), but it’s actually the afternoon of New Year’s Eve as I type these words for you lovely people.
And I have to say, if the afternoon/evening is half as crazy as the morning, I may burn out a few brain cells just trying to cope.
And as we all know, I cannot afford to lose any more brain cells.
Yes, it’s shaping up to be another nutty holiday in Niagara Falls, kids. People often ask me, “Is it busy in the hotel on New Year’s Eve, Hook?” Just imagine mixing the fall of Saigon with the crash of the economy in 2008, add that to the surreal feeling you get watching the Kardashians and shake well – then multiply it by a million.
That almost covers it.
Let’s take a closer look, shall we? To be clear, some of these folks were guests I served, some were travelers I merely encountered briefly, and some were merely nutbags I spotted from a distance.
1) The White Chick Whose Eyes Were Bigger Than Her Stomach. To be perfectly clear, I have nothing against interracial couples; as a bellman I’m happy to take everyone’s money. But the young lady in question was a tiny girl, so tiny she made Bernadette from The Big Bang Theory look average. And she was dating the biggest black man I’ve ever seen.
Her friends were giggling as this ridiculously-mismatched couple made their way into the hotel.
“This is their first overnight trip together. She has no idea what she’s getting into!”
I think they meant, “She has no idea what she’s getting into her!” But I kept that one to myself. I was more than willing to share the next one, though.
“I hope your friend is religious… because she’s going to be making A LOT of pleas to a deity tonight!”
That one slayed ’em.
2) The Brain-Dead Sorority Girls. These young ladies made the Kardashians look like productive members of society. Among the pearls of wisdom they had to share:
“We brought a bunch of sex toys, Robert… but we decided to be ‘grown-up’ and keep ’em in a suitcase… until we get to the room, of course!”
“It’s New Year’s Eve… so we can do pretty much anything and it won’t count next year!”
“We’re gonna get drunk and par-tay like it’s that song that black guy wrote!”
(For the truly white among you, they were referring to “1999” by Prince.)
And yes, you should be afraid for the future.
3) The Golden-Agers Who Brought Two Liberator Pillows With Them. I’m all in favor of “Bedroom Adventure Gear”, but to be honest, it’s a young person’s game, kids. These folks were in their late fifties/early sixties – but Lord bless them, they were still rockin’ ‘n rollin’!
Granted, the wife was too embarrassed to face me when I arrived at the room and the husband was quite sheepish, but surprisingly, I went uncharacteristically easy on them.
What was wrong with me, I wonder?
(For the ridiculously-white among you: Liberator pillows are wedge pillows of varying sizes designed to heighten the sexual experience by elevating one’s naughty bits. Science rules, kids.)
4) That Goth Girl Who Was Very Creative With Her Undergarments. What can I really say about a gal who worships the darkness but isn’t so dark she shies away from a good session of arts and crafts? This devilish acolyte had the following phrase embroidered on several pairs of underwear:
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
Don’t ask me why she decided to share her rather specific set of skills with me; she was proud, I guess.
I don’t really blame her. I’d love to see the look on her boyfriend’s face the first time he read that phrase, though. Is that a mood killer, or what?
Although to be perfectly frank, knowing my species as I do, I’d have to say no.
5) The Three White-As-Wonder-Bread Couples Who Said They Were Going To “Get Down”. They were concerned about bothering other guests on their floor.
“We don’t want any trouble with Security! Do you think it’ll be okay?”
Considering every single one of them made Brooke Shields look like Queen Latifah… I’d say so. But as usual, I worded it a little differently.
“It’s New Year’s Eve, folks! Anyone who complains about noise in a hotel on New Year’s Eve needs to up their dosage!”
6) The Guy Who Complained About The Size of His Room. Part of the hotel has been under
destruction construction – and the new rooms are rather small. (To say the least.) The guest in question discovered his young son – who had somehow squeezed into the closet – couldn’t open the door without hitting the bed. My deadpan response?
“Tell him to stay in the closet, sir – it seems to be working for Tom Cruse.”
Yes, you’re right, I am to customer service what Kim Kardashian is to nuclear physics.
I’m going to leave it here for today. Tune into tomorrow – same Hook time, same Hook channel – for the next exciting chapter.
See you in the lobby, kids…