Anatomy of a Bell Call….

12:54 P.M.:

 I arrive at a room – at the guest’s request – only to be told, through a partially opened door, “I need ten minutes! Check next door, they have bags too!”

 TRAVEL TIP: Request a bellman…  When you require a bellman! There is no point in wasting everyone’s time – including your own – when you could simply take your time and pack your bags slowly without an antsy bellman cooling his heels while simultaneously losing his cool in the hallway!

 Where was I? Oh yeah, I was dealing with a guest with tunnel vision. It took me all of thirty seconds to load up the second room and return to Mr. Congeniality. Once again he barked, “Come back in ten minutes!” so I returned to the elevators and the next crucial element of our tale: the amount of time I spend waiting to take a ride in a metal box.

 My average call takes at least twenty to thirty minutes – it takes ten to fifteen minutes per trip on the elevators alone – and yet my years if experience have left me with the ability to unload a luggage cart in two minutes flat. That means I spend most of my time riding up and down shafts when I should be taking loads and unloading.

 Something just occurred to me; that was the gayest sentence I have ever typed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

 1:10 P.M.:

 A return to the desk and another phone call later, and I’m back in front of the elevators. My journey lands me at the doorstep of a young couple with a major difference of opinion. Before we get to that, though, here’s a quick rundown of their belongings:

  • 1 suitcase – for two people.
  • 92 bottles of wine!

THE HOOK: Well at least you won’t be thirsty for a while…

PUZZLED GIRLFRIEND: Can you believe he picked this trip to turn over a new leaf and quit drinking?

THE HOOK: Timing is everything, right?

Her frustration boiled over when we discovered there was no room in her trunk for the lone suitcase. Still, her anger seemed to provide him with great joy; I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when he finally realized she was really pissed….

1:35 P.M.:

Back to the elevators… And the wait.”Please kill me.” echoed through my head, over and over.

1:42 P.M.:

Mr. Congeniality: Round Two! I once again pushed my abilities to their limit and loaded my bell cart to its max. Seriously, I wish I could photograph these carts and share them with the world, but professional  behavior ties my hands…

Damn it.

1:56 P.M:

Time to load the bags, get paid, and move on. In this particular case, I honestly never thought this moment would arrive!

However, once I began to actually load this particular van I realized I spoke too soon….

2:20 P.M.:

In this case too many cooks definitely spoiled the soup and so we loaded and re-loaded Mr. Congeniality’s van until the cows came home, so to speak. By the end, I surrendered and just let three women and two men – all as clueless as drunken children – jam that van until closing the back door required a major slam – and more than a little prayer.

2:23 P.M.:

Time for that awkward dance: I slowly rock back and forth as the guest pats himself down and looks for my gratuity. This dance ended with a whimper, definitely not a bang.

For my time and effort, I was rewarded with the sum of one dollar – American.

“Kill me.” echoed through my head once again.

And that was just one call, and a minor, but amusing, detour.

At least my life isn’t boring, right?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2012, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

83 Responses to Anatomy of a Bell Call….

  1. iamnotshe says:

    What happened to the 92 bottles of wine? Inquiring minds are wanting to know! HA HA HA … LMFAO. So boyfriend heads to his first AA meeting, and sotted girlfriend leaves clothes and toiletries and floats over the falls in a wine-soaked stupor. I’m amazed … ONE DOLLAR.

    And yes, Hook, i’ve been chatting up my friendly Bellmen at all hotels. I’ve been popping a few bucks in their hand every time they speak, help me in the least! There is a great guy at the Marqueen in Seattle that ABSOLUTELY made my trip and my boyfriends trip AMAZING. Friendly, efficient … so helpful. We aren’t rich, but we popped him at least $20 between the two of us for just a few favors he so happily did for us. The desk clerk was a red hot bitch … and we were just SO grateful to this dude, that we made sure we had plenty of ones, fives. I know it doesn’t seem like much … but we’re not rich … it was our last day outta Alaska and SEATTLE … and we were broke. He made the end of our trip awesome. The maid stole my pillbox though. Fuck, nothing is perfect! Stay strong my man!!!

  2. legionwriter says:

    Dude, I love these stories. I worked for 7 years as a valet driver, so I can identify BIG TIME.
    Tell me your opinion – European car drivers – big tippers?

  3. So professional behavior ties your hands…but there those security cams…..
    (Oh, just wondering – do you ever make faces at the security cams?)
    Thanks for the chuckles!

  4. Jo Bryant says:

    Maybe you should have accidentally hit the emergency stop button in the lift and sent ALL those bottles to bottle Heaven…

  5. timkeen40 says:

    I have some of your ability to swallow myself and be somebody else in order to get a job done. I can put the asshole that I am behind me so that I appease the asshole in front of me. It is a great gift/curse.

    Are you on blood pressure medicine, yet?

    Tim Keen

  6. Hilarious.. your life could never be boring, I don’t think you’d allow it!!

  7. Great post, and that was the gayest sentence EVER written by anyone, I think.

  8. 92 bottles of wine is just the thing to quit drinking cos too much of everything kills and dead man aint no drinking unless they happen to be vampires…oops!
    hey cant you have those cameras which fit in the button holes, you know the ones they show in MI series and some other ones…use it Hook use it !

  9. sexuallifeofawife says:

    One frigging dollar! You must be joking!!!
    As always your humor shines through ; )

  10. Val says:

    15 minutes in the elevator? Those shafts must be huge!
    Seriously though, why won’t the powers that be let us have ‘transporter’ technology?

  11. valleygirl96 says:

    Hilarious, as always. For a moment I wonder how these people could be real, but then I look around me at a baseball game…hillbilly gangatas decorated with tats everywhere…not that theres anything wrong with THAT either.

  12. raisingdaisy says:

    ONE DOLLAR??!! It’s almost more insulting than getting nothing! These people don’t sound like they’re very young, so they should understand the Fine Art of Tipping. I really love how you can see all of these crazy things with such a wonderful sense of humor – it’s the best way to stay sane! 🙂

  13. susielindau says:

    Can you imagine what our bell men go through at the ski resorts??? I see so many unloading bag upon bag. It makes me wonder how much they had to pay to fly them here!

  14. Ink Pastries says:

    I understand your inner plea to be killed. That thought has echoed in my head a few times recently. But you are appreciated here at your blog by us readers so I hope you subconsciously called the assassins off. For now anyway.

  15. mj monaghan says:

    Ah, insolence. Who teaches manners anymore, or good tipping etiquette. If I were in your hotel, my friend, I would tip you handsomely.

  16. Lily says:

    One measly dollar for all of that work? You live a rough life. But hey, at least you have a good attitude about it! Instead of saying “kill me now” I would actually be stabbing that guy.

  17. I’m just curious how many times you’ve gone up and down those shafts through the years???? (Your words, not mine) 😀

  18. I can’t imagine that having a guest pat himself down for a tip is a clue that you are in for a large tip. “Let’s see where did I put those two pennies I found in the parking lot.”

  19. I love your attitude Hook 🙂
    Thanks for sharing your world with us!

  20. Woman says:

    I was so going to comment on that one comment… but you already did!!!

    I love this recount of your day!!!

  21. Bob Lee says:

    How do you deal with these ‘aristocrats’? I’m so glad you put these posts up and I guess turning over a new leaf worked wonders for Mr Congeniality … (92 bottles of wine … omg lmao) Bob

  22. Riding shafts – what a pleasant picture you evoke….. 😉
    Is that all I got out of your post? Certainly not…!
    There was also “Kill me,” and “Please kill me.”
    Never; you are a highlight in the blogging world, my friend.
    How’s the book coming along?

    • The Hook says:

      I’m about six days behind schedule (I have to approve the final digital proof and then wait for the final physical copy to arrive) and then we’re off to the races! No I just have to devise a way to get all those horny housewives to read my book after their copies of Fifty Shades of Grey become too sticky to read anymore…

  23. Marjorie says:

    Hi there! I have nominated you for a Beautiful Blogger award. Go to to see what you have to do. 🙂

  24. I can’t believe the actual inconsideration of people! You deserve an award for not going postal on these folks. It just so happens that I have one for you! You can go to if you choose to accept! 🙂

  25. Jeannie says:

    I’ve joined your ranks Hook, in a manner of speaking. I’m now employed by a local historical inn as a housekeeper–I got the job because I told them I know you 🙂 I think I’ll keep a diary from now on…LOL!

  26. someservers says:

    As a server, I know the awkward tip dance all too well… I feel your pain. But as with any dance, your partner will feel more comfortable if you dance too! I find that the Harlem Shake works pretty well with my tables. A good Crip Walk usually goes over well too.

  27. mizqui says:

    Every post is an experience… an escapade
    a trip to the UK and a hotel stay
    keeps me HOOK-ed all the LITERAL day. (-:

  28. royminor says:

    Hilarious, as always… “That means I spend most of my time riding up and down shafts when I should be taking loads and unloading.”
    Such a great post. Very funny and quick. Love your stuff.

  29. giselzitrone says:

    Einen lieben Gruss du hast viel tolle Ideen und einen schönen Beitrag gefällt mir. Grüsse lieb Gislinde

  30. Pingback: I'm Going on Safari, and I'm Taking ... - mj monaghan

  31. Lorre says:

    – all as clueless as drunken children –
    I just love that.

  32. Gotta watch those shafts when you’re worried about loading and unloading, for sure.

  33. eva626 says:

    Great to see you break it down, Hook. LOL “Seriously, I wish I could photograph these carts and share them with the world, but professional behavior ties my hands” haha that is classic

  34. Pingback: A Not-So-Terrible Thing: The Bellman Chronicles Is “Live”. | The Book of Terrible

  35. hobbesblogs says:

    Just stumbled across your blog- it’s great! I’ll be checking in!

  36. giselzitrone says:

    Hollo lieber Hook ich wünsche dir viel Glück für dein Buch.Grüsse dich und wünsche dir eine schöne Woche Grüsse dich Herzlich Gislinde

  37. Yes, you are right. That is the gayest sentence of yours that I’ve read anyway. Nice one! I found your book and ordering it now!

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