There’s A Reason Why It’s Called “Family Day”, Not “Fun Day”!

Family Day is the third Monday of February and observed as a public (or statutory) holiday in the three Canadian provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Ontario. (Manitoba celebrates Louis Riel Day and it’s Islander Day in Prince Edward Island.)

In 2012, Family Day falls on Monday, February 20.

Do you know what else falls on Family Day?

The Hook’s hopes of making any money, that’s what. My sanity is also threatened, but what else is new?

Family Day is a “manufactured holiday”, which means some burnt-out civil servant decided to screw with the natural order and create a day for families to “bond”. Sounds great -  in theory.  In reality, Family Day unfolds like this…

• The fires were still smoldering from Sunday morning check-outs when the horde started to arrive, ready for action!
• The deck was an absolute NIGHTMARE, with cars parked any which way – order quickly gives way to chaos on Family Day – and guests screaming for the attention of overwhelmed doormen and valet drivers.
• Some guests just give up and walk away; their vehicles then become a nuisance for hours.
• The Front Desk line quickly ballooned from four to forty! Our plan to assuage people’s growing frustrations? Cases of warm bottled water. Monogrammed, of course, so people know just who to blame. I rarely criticize my place of business, but we were smokin’ something harmful to cognizant thought when we devised that plan….

And my role in this little drama?

I was the poor bastard who had to weave his cart in and out the bloodthirsty crowd gathered in the lobby with all the skill of Mario Andretti – but none of the glory! Of course, I’m not in this business for the glory… I’m in it for the cold hard cash. And while my pockets were heavy when I clocked out for the day, I had to work twice as hard as should have!

Based solely on the sheer volume of calls and the size of each cart, I should have walked away from Family Day with $200 in my wallet. The ultimate irony of this day is as follows..

• 25% of our check-ins were groups of young, horny, soon-to-be-blitzed college kids of both genders.
• Virtually ever family I observed was coming apart at the seams. So much for “family bonding”, right?
• I didn’t see my own family until 7 P.M. that night, and they certainly didn’t get  my “A Game”!

I’d say “God bless Family Day, but His mighty hand was not evident in this “holiday”.

BREAKING NEWS!

No sooner had I clicked “Save Draft” on this “literary masterpiece”, than I was called a way by duty. I was making my way back inside when I noticed a young Asian woman, mid-30s, running her fingers across the hood of her boyfriend’s car; her face a series of puzzled looks as she rubbed her fingers together.

THE HOOK: It’s frost, miss!

CLUELESS ASIAN: Frost?

Her face became a mixture of anger and confusion. Seriously, she was mad!

CA: Frost? You’re serious?

THE HOOK: Normally, no, but I am now! It’s February, miss… in Canada! Every car on this deck has frost on it!

I left her standing there, bewildered by Mother Nature’s handiwork… and her own stupidity.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE…

June 9. 2012 10 A.M – 7 P.M.
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

For full details, click here, fan boys and girls!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

I know I am writing on ‘The Hooks’ blog but I just wanted to say “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY” to the best husband in the world.

VampireLover

 

Fate Toys With The Hook!

DISCLAIMER: This edition of You’ve Been Hooked! contains salty language.

To say the least.

I’ve substituted the traditional “F” word with “fire truck” – as per my daughter’s request - and I hope this is acceptable. If not, you can go read about the healing properties of bubble wrap or some other crap over at The Book of Awesome! 

So our “idiot doorman” – it will make sense later – calls me out to a truck. They had requested a colleague of mine, but he was on a call, so they got The Hook. Lucky me.

This woolly mammoth of a man peels himself out of the front seat while the rest of his inbred clan slithered inside. He lumbers over to the back door, looks at me and proceeds to prove why people hate rednecks.

WOOLLY MAMMOTH: “You’re flying solo? Where’s what’s-his-name?”

THE HOOK: He’s on another call. I’ll do my best, sir.

WM: You sure?

THE HOOK: Absolutely! The doctor says my meds are designed to last all day!

WM: (Unmoved by my Canadian humor) That’s good!

So he begins to hand me bag after bag of actual luggage (I was impressed so far!) and then he just stopped…

He waved his wife over from the lobby and began to melt down – BIG TIME!

WM: How many fire truckin’ bags of food do we need?

He was quite upset by the large number of plastic Wal-Mart bags they had packed. 

WOOLLY MAMMOTH’S WIFE: There are a lot of us!

WM: I don’t care! I’m fire truckin’ sick and tired of lugging all this food around! Look at all this! How’s it going to fit on the cart?

I would have interjected, but they wouldn’t have listened anyway.

WMW: I’ll take them!

WM: Fine! Here’s one!

He began to fire bags at her. And how!

WM: I got it!

WM: And another one…

WM: And another one…

WMW: Bring it on, baby!

And so it went for about six bags! I honestly thought the was going to clock her! Finally, they stopped; he lumbered back into the truck to park and the wife took off inside, leaving me to begin writing this post.

I had no time for that though; another guest was waiting for me at my desk…

CONFUSED GENTLEMAN: Your fire truckin’ doorman is an idiot!

THE HOOK: Okaaay…

CG: He had me park in the garage before I unloaded my bags! Now we have to walk all the way to the garage and back!

At that moment, this guest was speaking for every bellman I’ve ever worked with! Overall, he was pretty cool though. His complaints about the hotel echoed my own and he was a decent tipper, and I have to give credit where credit is due.

He was certainly better than this next gentleman….

An upscale African-American – who was actually as black as Bill Cosby - he had a clan of ten, with fourteen bags! He ignored me at first, choosing to go right inside and check-in without receiving a tag for his luggage, but check-in time is always hectic – even without a huge family – so I’m used to such behavior.

We eventually met up at the room… where he stiffed me. I could have sworn Bill Cosby had money, but oh well…

Moving on.

Turns out Fate had chosen my previous guests as harbingers of doom; there were agents of evil poised to descend on my little slice of Heaven…

Teachers were on their way.

I was “fortunate” enough to serve the first arrival and he had a few items for The Hook to slug around…

• Eight cases of beer.
• Four cases of pop; “soda” to my Yankee friends.
• Three cases of water.
• Three cases of wine. I never realized how much alcohol stimulates a teacher’s mind...
• Various coolers and clamatos.
• And no tip for The Hook!

And so it goes with teachers.

But as cruel as Fate appears to be at times, you can’t declare a day a total loss until the display on the electronic  punch clock says “Thank you, Hook!”

Okay, the clock doesn’t actually say “Thank you, Hook!”, but I’m The Hook to all of you, so let’s just call this poetic license and leave it at that, all right?

At any rate, my day actually ended with Bill Cosby returning to my desk with a nice, crisp clean twenty-dollar bill… and a big smile. The smile was great.

But the $20 was much nicer.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE…

June 9. 2012 10 A.M – 7 P.M.
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

For full details, click here, fan boys and girls!

 

So is The Hook Rich or What?

As you can see, I still haven’t mastered the art of the title!

A lot of people – including my fellow employees – think bellmen make mega-bucks.

I’m afraid not.

While we have our good days, the road is not paved with gold flakes; far from it. Don’t get me wrong, while I make more than my friends in Housekeeping – who literally have to clean up people’s garbage – I’m not swimming in American dollars. Here’s a brief look at a typical winter day for The Hook.

CALL #1:

A fat guy, his three ugly kids and his goofy wife! Need I say more?

TIP: $2 American.

CALL #2:

A young couple. Clueless, but nice. They meant well, which I suppose counts for something. Nothing too out of the ordinary – for once!

TIP: $4.65 Canadian.

And these were nice people, remember! Unfortunately, good intentions are not an accepted form of currency at my local financial institution.

CALL #3:

More young people. A  rapper-wannabe and his prostitute-wannabe concubine! I suppose I can understand why a young lady would want to appear “whore-like” in public – it  does drive young, already-horny guys even wilder –  but why do white guys feel compelled to emulate a group of people who would smoke them in an instant if they could?

What’s wrong with young people today? And when did I start asking “old man” questions?

TIP: NADA!

But I have a tip for them…

HOOK’S TRAVEL TIPS: If you plan on stiffing the bellman… don’t ask for him for directions after doing so! You may not like where you wind up….

CALL #4:

More rude, messy, horny young people  (Who is raising these douchebags?) and their shoes and paper bags. Oh, and alcohol, can’t forget the booze, can we?

TIP: A BIG FAT ZERO!

CALL #5:

A poker tournament brought my next guest to my doorstep. Gamblers are either “AWESOME!” or “TERRIBLE!”. They tend to have a lot of computer equipment, as this guy did. He was an exception in other ways, though; quiet, clean and a middle-of-the-road tipper.

TIP: $7 Canadian.

CALL#6:

Older Asians with a minor mastery of English are usually quite friendly – and grateful! These folks were typical and they made me smile. What more could I ask?

TIP: $5 Canadian.                              

How does my day look so far?

CALL #7:

Another gambler with a PC – they must be for online components of these tournaments – and a quiet demeanor. At least the rude couples were leaving me alone.

TIP: $5.

CALL #8:

Pardon my French, but this guy was an asshole who thought he was a superstar! He kept calling me boss, he treated his “weekend girlfriend” with no dignity whatsoever, and he drove in the wrong direction when he pulled his car up.

A real winner in every way.

TIP: Do you even have to ask?

So that was my day! And in case you’re wondering, I still haven’t taken up drinking or recreational drugs! But I’m still young..ish, there’s still time….

ON A PERSONAL NOTE…

June 9. 2012 10 A.M – 7 P.M.
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

For full details, click here, fan boys and girls!

Business As Usual – Almost….

When writing a blog, one has to remain ever-mindful of two irrefutable truths:

1. If you don’t feel passionately about your subject matter you’ll never attract an audience larger than one.
2. A loyal audience will stick with you if you dedicate enough time and effort to any subject you tackle. Successful writers – if they’re truly dedicated to their craft – can make any subject enticing. 

So what am I on about, you’re wondering?

My task this time around  is to please two masters. Let’s begin, shall we?

The wife – VampireLover to the newbies among us – says I have difficulty accepting my shortcomings; namely, the way I sometimes rush to judgment of people or situations.

She is absolutely right.

Consider my first call of the day; two gentlemen – the Grandpa and Dad of one of two rooms – approached my desk. When they spotted our carts they were like kids in the proverbial candy store.

GRANDPA: Hey! We could use one of those!

My colleague explained the protocol, they accepted the terms and they walked away – shaking their heads, usually a very bad sign. It was my turn, of course.

I arrived upstairs with one cart – they requested two but it’s tough enough negotiating one and I can usually work my “bellman packing magic” pretty easily.  Unfortunately, I miscalculated this time and one cart was not going to be enough for this collection of stuffed animals (2 bags worth!), toys, duffel bags, coolers, etc. My mistake did not go unnoticed…

PERTURBED MOM: This is not going to be enough for everything!

Fortunately, everyone simply ignored her! We loaded up – with great difficulty – and I met up with the “menfolk” downstairs in the parking garage. Most of my colleagues aren’t fans of the extra hike to the garage, but I really don’t mind; it’s better than waiting in the lobby with the crazed, impatient crowd! We loaded up two cars and I decided to make a second trip back upstairs on my own; I think the guys were trying to spare me some of the Perturbed Mom’s wrath!

PM: I thought we were using manpower this time!

THE HOOK: But I am a man, miss…

PM: I knew that! Okay, let’s go.

Her entire demeanor changed from that point forward. We met up downstairs – everyone else seemed to conveniently disappear – and she was nice as pie, as they say.

PM: I had a feeling you knew what you were doing! You fooled me for a minute there!

THE HOOK: I’m full of surprises, miss.

So there you have it: a good call wrapped in a tough, chewy exterior. Do me a favor though, will you? Don’t tell VampireLover she’s right about me!

The remainder of the day paled in comparison, with one exception.

WOMAN IN ELEVATOR: You’ve been here a long time, haven’t you?

THE HOOK: From Day One, yes.

WIE: And they call you The Hook, right?

THE HOOK: (Stunned – but in a good way for once!) Why yes, they do.

She got off at the next stop before I could inquire as to just how she knew of my alter ego. I know some of my colleagues have shared my “other identity” with a few guests but the circle was relatively small as I understood it.

Apparently not.

AND NOW, A BRIEF ROMANTIC INTERLUDE…

As romantic as I get, anyway…

Where to begin?

To describe my love for you in a single post would be as simple as peering beneath the ocean’s surface and describing the treasures within in a single sentence.

You are…

• As hot as the Sun yet as cold as the dark side of the Moon.
• Accessible, but as unreachable as the stars.
• Vulnerable but powerful and poised to strike in an instant.
• A puzzle I will never solve, a fate I accept happily.

You are also – as long-time readers can attest – somewhat fond of specific members of the undead.

To say the least.

That having been said, here is a little something to whet your insatiable appetite..

l may never be the perfect mate for a lover of the Undead, but I’ll never stop attempting to achieve mortal perfection.

HAPPY…

• VALENTINE’S DAY.
• BIRTHDAY.
• ANNIVERSARY.
• And any other holidays that seem to fall within the same blasted month!

I love you. Now and forever.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE…

June 9. 2012 10 A.M. – 7 P.M.
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

For full details, click here, fan boys and girls!

The Hook on…. Hookers!

To clarify, The Hook has never actually been “on” a hooker.

Truthfully, even if I was single I wouldn’t have that kind of money.

It’s a quiet Saturday but hookers have been on the collective tongue of the hotel – so to speak.

10 A.M

Two foreign hookers, one old and very used, the other young – for now – and soon-to-be very used, fidgeted in the lobby while their young johns sat down and celebrated their “victory”. The hookers in question were sporting the same trashy outfits and make-up from the previous night and so they stood out in the crowd. I only wish I could have pulled these guys aside and offered then a patented “Hook Tip”.

ANOTHER TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: Never hang out in the lobby – alone or otherwise – and celebrate a night of cheap, drunken, clumsy sex with dirty, foreign prostitutes . You don’t want the world to know you lack the skills necessary to attract a mate who will emulate a prostitute for you.

It’s much more satisfying to land a “Good Girl” who can be an Angel in public and a Devil behind closed doors.

This tip applies to my next guest as well.

12:10 P.M.

He was a white male (Black guys rarely employ hookers. Why is that?) going on fifty. She was a hooker of a different stripe…

• Very furry. A fur hat and coat, that is!
• Big, trashy sunglasses.
• Extremely high-cut boots.
• And most important of all, she had that “hooker vibe” emanating from her like cheap perfume! You know, that “I’m better than you because my vajayjay has a ticket window!” type of look and behavior?

This lovely couple wasn’t actually rude to me – although they did opt to remove half the booze and small bags from the cart after we’d loaded it – but my instincts were screaming “Cut and Run!” so I did just that! My replacement didn’t attempt to throttle me upon his return so I can only assume the call was without incident.

For him, anyway. If it had been me who knows what might have gone down? Maybe that was a poor choice of words – or maybe not.

1:30 P.M.

My fellow employees keep me in the loop with hotel happenings - everyone loves to “rap” with The Hook – so I still get to enjoy the craziness that unfolds on a daily basis, even if I’m not directly involved.

A nondescript mom in her forties checks in, family in tow, and proceeds to send dad and the little urchins to the pool so she can have some “alone time”. In this case that means a photo shoot.

It seems “June Cleaver” moonlights as an escort. But wait, there’s more! She has gone digital: website and all! And so she was hosting a photo shoot in her room – fully nude, of course – to “showcase her product”.

I really have to install cameras in these rooms; that’s where the real money is….

NO WONDER SHE WAS ALWAYS SMILING! JUNE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE…

ON A PERSONAL NOTE…

June 9. 2012 10a-7p
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

For full details, click here, fan boys and girls!

Related articles

• Xaviera! (Continuing adventures by the author of Happy Hooker) – Xaviera Hollander (killthatpen.wordpress.com)
• Dominique Strauss-Kahn: I had no idea orgy girls were hookers (thesun.co.uk)
• Brit ‘threw hooker out hotel window’ (thesun.co.uk)

God Loves The Hook!

There is just no other logical explanation.

Why else would he keep sending his most flawed creations my way? Allow me to explain…

Saturday mornings are busy all year round, but not for the bellmen; we find ourselves sidelined by the ever-growing number of cheap buggers who fill our hotels during the winter months. And so it was that I sat alone at my station as hundreds of clueless travelers passed by. However, one thing we actually do all-year round is take in storage bags – tons of them, in fact – and sometimes those simple transactions yield big results.

This young couple decided to make my week. He was..

• A young metro sexual Asian with delusions of  Western “coolness”. 
• Uncomfortable in his own skin.
• Completely out of his league.

She was…

• Definitely not Asian; she was Italian enough to put Meadow Soprano to shame!
• Well-dressed: Lululemon top, Coach purse, etc.
• Flipping long, lustrous raven hair with wild abandon!
• Sporting jeans so tight a Kardashian would be envious.

They decided to rifle through their belongings before storing their bags – as guests often do – and this proved to be an error in judgment, to say the least. I stood by, silently observing his nervous jig as his too-hot-for-him girlfriend opened her bag, exposing…

• Two lacy tan bras.
• More overpriced clothing.
• One LARGE vibrator.

She glanced up to see two male mouths just hanging open like cartoon characters! She flashed a “Yeah, I’m on vacation with my boyfriend and I brought a dildo! So what?” and continued her labors. But he couldn’t let the matter rest.

EMBARRASSED ASIAN: (Stammering) You know girls..

As per my nature, a direct answer was the only way to go…

THE HOOK: Just be grateful she brought you at all, sir!