Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Bloggess.

She’s a loving but terrorizing wife (it keeps things fresh), a vigilant but fun-loving mom, a best-selling but far-too humble author, a blogger like no other, and on occasion, an indivudual human being with hopes, dreams, demons, crises and victories.

She is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, and she has clawed her way to the top of my “Favorite People I’ve Never Met” list by sharing her wisdom and in doing so, helping my progeny achieve her dream. And so this is my way of honoring her act of selflessness at a time when she is overwhelmed with the drudgery of editing her second soon-to-be-ridiculously-popular book.

(And yes, I actually have a “Favorite People I’ve Never Met” list. I also have a “Favorite Girlfriends I’ve Never Actually Dated” list, a “Favorite Reviews of my Book That Haven’t Actually Been Written – Yet” list and a “Favorite Arguments With My Wife That I Won” list. What’s it to you?)

But I digress. I do that. Let’s begin, shall we?

1)  In the beginning, The Bloggess created the heavens, the earth and all that dwells upon within (except for Nazis, she hates those guys), in six days. On the seventh day she rested by watching Doctor Who. She then came upon a realization: In order to fully experience the joys of humanity, she had to dwell among us as an equal. And so she chose a female form.

She soon regretted this action a few weeks into her first month among us…

2)  Her menagerie of stuffed animals is vast and impressive and has been expanded to include critics of her book. (She’s a sweet gal, but you don’t want to see her angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.)

3)  She is this close to replicating the cloning technology used in the sc-fi series, Orphan Black. Her husband, Victor, has no idea what lies ahead…

4)  Translated into binary code, her first book contains the cure fro every human ailment – and a recipe for kick-ass chicken soup.

5)  She is a trendsetter.

6)  Her first book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, (available wherever my book isn’t sold), was originally titled “It Happened. Deal With It, Bitches.” but weak-willed corporate drones nixed the idea. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good title. Hmm…

7)  She once opened a donut shop that sold the centers of donuts exclusively. Jenny’s Holes was quite popular – until her clientele realized they weren’t walking into a strip club.

8)  Underneath the suburban mom/wife exterior, she is a gangsta at heart.

9)  Jenny was scheduled to take on Hugh Jackman on the latest edition of Celebrity Boxing - until Jackman wimped out. Wolverine squeals like a little girl and Jenny is a hair puller.

10)  Kate Middleton was actually Prince William’s second choice of paramour. I can’t say much more, I’m afraid. (the Queen gets her royal knickers in a knot when family secrets are divulged and I’m a coward.)

And that, my friends, is how I thank people that have done me a good turn. With laughter. Because we could all use a hearty chuckle every once in a while and Jenny is no exception. She has her dark days but she never gives up. She is a shining example of what humanity is capable of when we ignore the voices, both external and otherwise, that urge us to abandon our dreams and instead roll up into a ball and sob uncontrollably.

She is a gifted storyteller. She is a funny chick. She is a friend. She has a great sense of humor.

I hope.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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5×5 With The Hook: Becca Cord!

No, your meds aren’t out of balance again, you read that correctly. The wild ‘n wonderfully talented blogger/vlogger extraordinaire, Becca Cord is my guest today.

She’s been one of my faves from the very beginning, back when she was the Prime Flyster. She’s the one (along with Lily Morgan), whom all the bellman say “Who’s that hot dish?”, when they see her face on our computer screen.

(Okay, to be clear, only one guy ever actually made the hot dish remark and we had to let him go after an incident we’ve been ordered to never discuss. And since the order came from guys in black suits accompanied by dudes in Hazmat gear, we’re sticking to it.)

At any rate, Becca is clever, a joy to read/watch and she has a heart of gold. Honestly, her entire body, every organ, is laced with gold; she’s worth a fortune on today’s market, fellas. She actually cares about what she can do for this world rather than concerning herself with what she can take from it. Hell, she even helped create Blogger Interactive, the greatest gathering of “brilliant”, cool minds since Scooby and Shaggy met Velma, Daphne, and Fred.

And to top it all off, she went to infinity and beyond and answered my questions in vlog form! Although, judging from the look on her face at times, I think it may be some time before she agrees to an “interview” with yours truly again…

Judge for yourself, kids.

Yep, there’s only one Becca Cord – thank God.

I kid, of course, but that’s only ’cause I’m a jerk. The truth is, Becca is the original good egg, the girl next door you want to spend an evening doing unspeakable things involving kitchen appliances and whip cream with, the girl your mom begs you to marry, the heartbreak you never get over and one of the kindest, most decent souls in the known universe – all rolled up into one tidy, magnificent, crimson, onesie-wearing package.

That’s all for today, kids. If I were you I’d get myself over to Not a Red Head and let Becca entertain me for the rest of the day.

See you in the lobby, folks…

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Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Twindaddy

The Hook:

The blogging titan known as Twindaddy is the latest recipient of the “little gifts” I’ve been dropping around WordPress lately. Enjoy.

Originally posted on Stuphblog:

[Editor's Note: Some of the funniest shit I've ever seen on TV are the Comedy Central roasts. If you're not familiar, a roast is when a "guest of honor" is insulted for hours on end by comedians and close friends. It's all done in good fun, and I've yet to see one yet that didn't leave my gut strained from laughter. So in the spirit of the roast, The Hook is here today to do his impression of a roast on me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as The Hook does his best Lisa Lampanelli impersonation. Oh, and my rebuttals are in parenthesis.]

Everyone’s favorite bellman, The Hook, here folks, with yet another “gift” for yet another cursed lucky blogger.

Although he has been an open book so far there are a few details concerning the legend of Twindaddy that have remained a mystery. Until now, that is.


1)  He…

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5×5 With The Hook: Marian Green.

I have to admit, I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl over this one, kids.

Our guest today is… (cue the slinky music and dim the lights) none other than Marian Green. That’s right, folks, everyone’s favorite ridiculously creative/sexy blogger has decided to cast a sultry light over my blog.

Here is Marian, from her About page, in her own words:

“My mind is a crazy tangled place. Here I let my mind unwind, the thoughts pour. What you find on this blog is a blend of fact and fiction, a mix of truth and lies. My name is Marian Green.”

She is:

In short, Marian’s fearlessness and vulnerability are an inspiration and in spite of my many literary “skills”, I cannot do her justice and so the virtual floor is hers.

GetInline

1) Tell me about the last time you indulged your silly side. (What’s “Mad Marian” like?)

   Oh goodness. I indulge this side lots. It can get downright gluttonous. But the most recent silly moment involved my following through on a threat/tease. While indulging in a sexy moment with a man, I looked up, batted my eyes and said in my best affected Southern accent, “Is there anythin’ else you desirah Mr. Woods*?”  

(*Name changed for obvious reasons.)

   He choked and yelled, “No! No! No! I told you, no ‘Mister’ anything! Mr. Woods is my father!” I quickly dissolved into giggles and had to stop our sexy time so I didn’t accidentally bite anything important.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/gallery/no/MakeItStop.gifHe actually said this.

2) When it comes to the wild ‘n wonderful world of blogging you’ve experienced the good and the bad. What’s the best thing about being a sexy/artistic/visionary blogger?

   First, thanks for the trifecta of compliments. By far the best thing I’ve experienced from blogging is the sense of community. I didn’t expect it. Creative Noodling was born as a way for me to work through a traumatic heartbreak. I was in a place where, with every breath, I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. A stubborn elephant who wouldn’t forget and let me heal.

   So I wrote.

   And then I wanted a place to put the writing. Never having blogged prior to this, I had no expectations. And the outpouring of encouragement and support from the community that followed not only surprised me, it helped heal me.

3) Do you wear sweatshirts?

    Do hoodies made from sweatshirt material count? Those are pretty common lounging garb for me. I’ll don one with a cami and faded jeans and… wait… this wasn’t a sneaky “So what are you wearing?” question and that’s what I’m turning it into! ///blush. Yes. Ahem. I wear sweatshirts.

(I’m glad we cleared that up. By the way, what are you wearing?)

Actually, this has gone off the rails a bit, hasn’t it? Here’s a piece of mind candy from Marian’s  personal files to get us back on track…

GetInline

4) Your favorite place on this plane of existence is… (It can be a childhood home or perhaps a location that has inspired your artistic endeavors. As always, the choice is yours.)

   Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia.

   The white picket fences, the gardens edged with boxwoods, the heavenly smells from the taverns and the apothecary, the colonial architecture… all these speak to me at a visceral level that makes visiting there feel like coming home.

5) This feature exists to shine positivity across the blogosphere. Tell us, Marian Green, how do you stay positive in a world filled with negativity?

   I make the choice. There’s a lot we don’t have a choice in or control over in our lives, but one’s attitude isn’t one of them. So I choose to be positive. I choose love. I choose to live without regrets. I choose to live… period.

   And when all else fails a good dose of innuendo and witty banter always does the trick.

(That’s what I always say.)

Time to bring the lights back up, air out the room and grab a cool drink, folks, this show is almost over. I leave you now with a piece of delicious prose from our guest.

Enjoy.

Love Notes

I want to write you a love letter but I don’t know where to begin.
Start at the beginning you say?
When was the beginning? The feeling has grown, blossomed,
more and more each day

I take pen to paper with the best intentions
The words, they flow, they tumble
They dance across the page so beautifully, so swiftly
that I can’t believe they’re my inventions

My eyes are closing, I’m fading fast
Quick… let it out. Write it down…
Or all your pretty thoughts will be left in the past

It’s too late. The meds have kicked in.
So instead, I’ll just dream in happy bliss
And send you a picture
Of where you’ll place our very first kiss…

 —————————————–

See you in the lobby, kids…

 

 

 

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Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Yannick Bisson.

Disclaimer #1:  I may be a grown man whose blog serves as an outlet for various workplace tensions, but I am also a dedicated family man and, on occasion, a raging fanboy.

See if you can guess what I am now…

Disclaimer #2: The hit CBC Victorian-era detective series, Murdoch Mysteries, is must-see TV in our house. Heck, even the dog is glued to the set when Detective William Murdoch of the Toronto Constabulary is onscreen.

Disclaimer #3: The ridiculously talented and decent (seriously, this guy’s beyond nice, even for a Canadian),  Yannick Bisson  portrays the title character. His portrayal of a man ahead of his time has made him one of my favorite actors and his accessibility to his fans has made him one of my daughter’s heroes.

All that having been said, I intend to test his good nature with my patent-pending humor.

yannickheadshot

Now, on with the show.

1)  That thick, luxurious hair? Part of a follicle timeshare he went halfsies on with William Shatner. Why do you think his character always wears that bowler hat?

2)  His Dragons’ Den pitch for a line of frozen foods called “Murdoch’s Mystery Meat” never made it to air. Go figure.

3)  He was the only pitcher in Den history to make Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary wet his pants.

4)  Yannick is the founder – and sole member – of the Toronto chapter of the Pauly Shore fan club. (Who is he kidding? This is the only chapter in existence.)

5)  He once spent a year following David Hasselhoff across Europe. The funny thing is, the Hoff wasn’t even performing at the time.

6)  He’ll soon be starring in his own “5×5 With The Hook” installment.

(I hope.)

7)  He has auditioned for various productions of Annie. In fact, he has done so seventeen times. Although his management team has urged him to audition for a role other than the title character, he feels the role was made for him.

“I’ve always felt I was an orphaned red-haired girl who is eventually adopted by a munitions magnate after a series of whimsical adventures in a man’s body.”

8)  Yannick was the member of One Direction that was left behind when they made it big.  (Pete Best sends him a Christmas card every year.)

9)  Before hitting it big as a fictional detective, Yannick was Roseanne Barr’s stunt double.  (He’s lost a little weight since then.)

10) Murdoch’s Mystery Meat” was also the title of Yannick’s first “feature film”. Although he doesn’t say very much about that particular production…

And so concludes my presentation for today. I appreciate the fact you’ve indulged me once more, folks, but you deserve an explanation.

This isn’t an easy world to live in. My father-in-law is in his eighties and although he doesn’t say much about it, I know he realizes there are fewer days ahead than behind. His health has steadily deteriorated and so most of his day is spent in front of the television. My daughter has been bullied for virtually her entire life and while she has emerged stronger, the scars remain. My own mother has been battling various medical conditions for years as well.

And my wife? Well, she’s a wife/mom/devoted daughter and so she has the weight of the world on her pretty shoulders. Our life isn’t a waking nightmare, but its far from perfect.

And yes, there is a point in our future… and here it is.

In this day and Kardashian-dominated age, there are very few shows on television that my entire family can enjoy together. Murdoch Mysteries inspires conversation, something most domestic units rarely engage in. Murdoch Mysteries makes us laugh. Murdoch Mysteries has become part of our lives.

Yannick Bisson is Detective William Murdoch and as corny as it sounds, he is one of my personal heroes.

That’s all I have for you today, folks. Be well.

See you in the lobby…

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Mistakes Parents Make While Traveling.

It’s Saturday and I’m wide awake

(mostly)

so I think it’s time to use my seventeen years of experience serving the public constructively and judge others. Don’t you agree?

I knew you would. We’re a perfect team, aren’t we?

The timing is serendipitous; the hotel is overrun with cheerleaders, hockey teams and the usual wandering suspects so I have plenty of subjects to exploit choose from. So let’s examine just where many of these progenitors go wrong as they travel the Canadian highways and byways.

1)  They forget/ignore the stakes.

Family trips stay imbedded in a child’s memory forever. Period. Whether that recollection is of a positive nature or not depends largely on the action’s of the family overseers. If mom and dad fail to see the Big Picture, they’ll pay for it down the road, trust me.

Many of us have images of our younger selves crammed into the back seat of the Familymobile, singing travelin’ tunes – badly – and watching our parents fuss with maps while adjusting the radio volume every time the car made another noise. Inevitably, the backseat volume drowned out the radio and a single threat was issued;

“If you kids don’t knock it off, I swear to God, I’ll drive this car off the next cliff we come to. You can say ‘We’re sorry, Daddy!’ all you want as we plunge to a fiery death, but it’ll be too late!”

Or was that just my family that made such declarations? oh well, you get the point, right? Family trips can become precious memories or nightmares, the choice is up to you, mom and dad.

2)  They let their little devils off the leash.

In some cases, the rugrats don’t even have leashes and this can be a fatal mistake that others pay for. Just because your kids are capable of wiping their own arses doesn’t mean they’re in a position to self-govern, folks. Now, I know what you’re thinking,

“But Hook, our kids never seem to run out of energy, so we let them go wild after they’ve been cooped up in the car for seventeen hours and they wind down – eventually! If we don’t let them go, they’ll be up all night and the hubby and I won’t get a chance to play ‘The UPS delivery man and the housewife who can’t cover the COD cost of her package!’ and that would suck!”

Incidentally, folks, that was an actual quote from a guest I served yesterday. My response?

“I hate to say it, miss, but everyone around you, myself included, has no vested interest in your ability to achieve orgasm while your children slumber. Your fellow travelers have spent good money to be here and all they want is a little peace and quiet. Granted, they’re not going to get it with a cheerleading competition and a hockey tournament here, but your kids aren’t helping by reenacting Lord of the Flies in the lobby!”

And for the record, the young lady understood my position fully and after she finished spitting her coffee out, she not only tipped me large, she flirted with me while her husband parked the mini-van and her kids, you guessed it, continued to run wild!

There’s win in there somewhere, I know it…

I’m quite tall, I’m afraid I have to be brief, folks. The first call of the day awaits and so the lesson ends here.

For now.

See you in the lobby, kids….

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Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair

The Hook:

There is a cheerleading competition (stampede) at the hotel right now. I’m in no shape to blog, so here’s Daile to entertain and enlighten. You’re welcome.

Originally posted on kissmeoutofdesire:

20-dating-questions-20051110 Best First Date Questions (or why I don’t get 2nd dates)

1. What is your biggest regret in life?

The things that people regret say a lot about them. Personally I regret nothing, not one stupid idiotic or even hurtful moment in my life. I think I am a better person for it but some may just see it as an avoidance technique.

2. Name your most annoying habit that you are stubbornly unlikely to ever change.

I feel this is an important one to know early in the dating game. Lots of people think they can change habits, wardrobe or personalities of the people they are dating. I say be honest and let your potential suitor know the things that they will be stuck with FOREVER…

3. What is your least favourite household chore?

Because it’s nice to know which shitty domestic duty you may be stuck with…

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