Told You We’d Be Revisiting This Topic Soon…

There have been many disturbing travel trends in Niagara of late.

  • More toothless hookers than I’m comfortable writing about.
  • An upswing in the number of drunken moms on Sunday morning.
  • More cheap people in one city at one time than the laws of nature should allow.

And finally…

People that call for their luggage to be delivered…. then begin having sex, even though they know I’m going to be arriving at their room before they finish. Well, at least I assume they know they won’t have time to finish before I show up. Then again, some people can start and finish a coital encounter in a single elevator ride, so…

At any rate, it’s sad to say but after almost twenty years in the hospitality biz, I’ve gotten used to hearing guests have sex through a thin wooden door. To be clear, the guests aren’t actually having sex through the door… but I can hear them through the door… forget it.

All this wonderful prose was intended to get us to the moment I arrived at Room 2708 at six in the evening on an otherwise uneventful Wednesday night. Despite the unmistakable soundtrack of grunts and groans, I knocked. (I didn’t have time to wait while these folks finished building the Beast With Two Backs. Plus, I’m kind of a jerk that way.)

And so I knocked again.

And I knocked again.

Eventually, my head hurt too much to continue, so I went to the hallway courtesy phone and called the room.

No answer.

I began to walk away when the door opened. There he stood: a twenty-something, remarkably-toned Bruno Mars wannabe with a grin that would have made the Cheshire Cat green with envy. He was sweaty and gasping for air (naturally). Am I leaving anything out?

Oh yeah… He was pitching a tent.

And no, he wasn’t camping. To be uncomfortably clear, he was clearly (he was asking a lot of the fabric of his track suit ) having sex even though he knew fully well that I was going to be knocking on the door – especially after he had called the Front Desk to order his bags.

MMgZUmpBut for some inexplicable reason he began to have sex anyway. And so there we stood: Me, the hapless bellman who had to decide which path to follow in terms of dealing with Him, the very over-excited guest. Since we’re talking about me, I’m sure you know which path I chose, right?

HIM:  Hey, Boss! How you doin’?

ME:  Clearly not as well as you, sir! Where would you like the bags?

What happened next came as no surprise to me. The gentleman wouldn’t let me set foot in the room (i.e. the Den of Sin), preferring to take the bags from me at the doorway. I’ll readily admit, I handed over those bags like Barry Allen on Red Bull; I sure didn’t want to linger in that room any longer than necessary. Finally, all that remained was a garment bag.

HIM:  I’ll take that, Boss! (Looking around the room.) But where can I hang it?

Yes, he actually said that.

You just know I wasn’t going to let that one pass me by, right?

ME:  Well, the closet’s around the corner, sir, but if you’re in a pinch (nodding down towards his… you know), I’m sure you could figure something out…

He looked down.

He paused while looking at his still-protruding “L’il Guest”.

He turned beet red.

HIM:  Uh, yeah… sorry about that, Boss! We were..

ME:  You clearly were, sir.

At that point, his raven-haired “girlfriend” emerged from the back of the room. Not that it really impacts our tale, but she was one of the most obvious hookers I’ve ever seen- and she was barely dressed, but unmistakably dressed for sex. To be honest, though, I didn’t give her a long look. (I swear! Not that it didn’t take a lot of willpower.) Besides, after everything I’d been though, I didn’t care about a mostly-naked chick; I had to get going.

And clearly, so did he.

82aee9a298c5df271cba89855c52b098ME:  Well, if you won’t be requiring anything further, I’ll take my leave of you, folks…

HER:  Oh, you sound so classy! Doesn’t he sound classy, honey?

HIM:  Uh…

To be fair, the blood had rushed far, far from his brain. Hopefully, that explains why he began to move veryclose to me in order to hand me a tip – and make a final request.

HIM:  You won’t tell anyone about this, right, Boss?

ME:  (Moving far, far away while remaining completely deadpanned.)  I have a blog, sir. But I keep the details murky to protect the guilty.

HIM:  (After a nanosecond of pondering.)  Oh! That’s okay then!

I love humanity.

See you in the lobby, folks…

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Nothing For You Today, I’m Afraid.

The title says it all, sadly.

I don’t have a Silent Sunday masterpiece prepared. Self-doubt and near-crippling writing anxiety have kept me from buckling down this week. I have a few posts in the wings, though, so you won’t be denied my “brilliance” tomorrow. Thank Heavens for that, right?

Lately I’ve been focused on what I’m not.

I’m not good enough for The Good Men Project.

The Huffington Post Canada. (Professionalism aside, I hate those guys. They don’t even respond to pitches, never mind reject them.)

I’ll never be a Traveling Dad and unless I make some major changes, I won’t be a Traveling Mom either.

CBC will never be airing a sitcom based on my “work”.

In short, this is about as good as it’s going to get for me. I’ll never be a writer my daughter can look up to. It’s always been  my hope to inspire her to achieve her dreams but I’ve failed miserably in that regard. I have a great life, one that will always be grounded in reality.

But reality isn’t that bad, not in the least.

See you in the lobby, friends.

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Sexual Dynamics As Interpeted By The Hook, Nad (Not a doctor.)

Sexual intercourse is a big part of my life; not only am I a red-blooded Canadian male, as a bellman I hear more people having sex than the sound guy on a porn shoot.

Perhaps, I should have said, “porn set”? Nah, why waste a perfectly good joke, right? The point is, barely a day goes by where sex hasn’t had some sort of impact on me. Sometimes I’m merely viewing or hearing others engage in coitus, sometimes I’m involved in the coitus.

To be perfectly honest, most of the time it’s the former.

Reflecting on the subject of the Beast With Two Backs has led me to an inescapable conclusion.

Sex is weird.

To clarify, I’m not referring to sex that involves food, animals, a variety of toys or even restraints. No, I’m referring o the act itself. Think about it for a moment. (Join me in my waking nightmare). The act itself, even when executed properly and with precision, resembles a clumsy mass of flailing limbs, shuddering torsos and heads bouncing about to a soundtrack of grunts, moans and pleas to a deity most people don’t even truly believe in.

To an alien we must look like we’re attempting to fuse ourselves together into a single being. Which, come to think of it, is a pretty apt description.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the act of lovemaking. (If they had competition called, “Canada’s Horniest Bellman” I’d win that sucker without breaking a sweat. Well, okay I’d probably break a sweat, but you get the point, right?) But on the face of it, fornication is a weird trip, man.

I’ve seen guests so consumed by their randy nature they can’t even wait to get to their room before pouncing on one another. It boggles the mind. They most likely don’t even understand it themselves.

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Then again, they’re too busy trying to have intercourse to spare the blood to their brains to think about it. Some guests will do it pretty much anywhere, as evidenced by the following list:

  • Cars parked in the hotel’s garage. (Even if they don’t own the vehicle in question.)
  • In stairwells.
  • On top of other guests.
  • Bathrooms of either gender.
  • Handicapped bathrooms. (Actually not a bad choice when you consider all the bracing bars and locks.)
  • The folding table in the hotel’s laundry.
  • In guest elevators.
  • In service elevators.
  • In dumb waiters. (Little people can be horny and stupid too.)
  • On top of various pieces of hotel equipment in the aforementioned laundry room, the kitchens, maid’s closets, outdoor maintenance sheds, storage rooms and even on top of lobby furniture – and not necessarily when the lobby is deserted.

Yes, when properly motivated, horny traveling devils will tuck logic and reason away and behave like animals in heat, regardless of the time and place.

I’ve served more than one guest whose sexual appetite is their excuse for slipping out of the bonds of marriage to rendezvous with their lovers in Niagara Falls.

Some guests are so blinded by their lust they don’t have time to engage in illicit affairs that involve trivial matters such as meaningful conversation or emotional ties, and so they hire companions to jump up and down on them. As long as mankind is horny hookers will never be out of favor.

Don’t get the wrong idea, though, married folk can also be slaves to their hormones but remain faithful to their spouse. I’ve seen married guests leave their newborns in the care of their toddlers just so they can shower together. There are many people who travel with their older parents with the agenda of repurposing Grandma and Grandpa as babysitters in order to fulfill a biological agenda. Some couples will even ask hotel staff to watch their rugrats so they can achieve multiple traveling orgasms.

But fair warning: I don’t work cheap.

I’ve seen guests check-in on Friday, get married on Saturday and leave in separate vehicles on Sunday. In one case the groom left in handcuffs with a police “escort”. In another, the bride went completely UFC on the groom’s mother. And in one particularly memorable instance, the entire wedding party took on a bunch of Bostonian parents who wandered into the ballroom after consuming far too many “Cokes”. 

In short, even when we’re traveling, humans are slaves to our baser urges. The quest for the all-mighty orgasm can reduce any of us to a quivering, heavy-breathing mass of human sex machine at any time. 

Not that I’m complaining, mind you. As I’ve already said, I’m hardly a prude; I’ve even viewed an adult film or two in my time.

You don’t realize this, but I had to actually pause after I wrote that, just in case I was struck by divine lightning. Which I wasn’t. So there.

Bottom Line: sex drives much of what we do with our time while on this plane of existence, especially when we’re traveling. As a blogging bellman this fascinates me and always will. In other words, we’ll be revisiting this topic eventually so I hope my musings haven’t bored you to tears, because there’s more to come.

And yes, I meant to do that.

See you in the lobby – and the stairwells and bathrooms – folks…

goodluckchuck-inbed-jessicaalba-movie-screencap-sittingup-d1ecd629ad1d26cdb5367f7cd8c28e47_hDon’t feel bad, Jessica Alba, I’m sure everyone’s confused right now…

Posted in Hotel Life | 21 Comments

Customer Service, Hook Style.

HOOK’S NOTE:  We’re going to dispense with the foreplay again and get right to it. I know what you’re thinking, but as much as I love foreplay, sometimes you have to get right to the good stuff in order to save time.

He was a rather… shall we say, plump gentleman?

Aw, who am I kidding? This son of a bitch had his own orbit. But he was all right. For a lumbering redneck from the deep, deep South with a downright terrifying wife with orange hair, a few missing teeth and two definitely-inbred-but-well-behaved kids. However, he was not happy with his room, to say the least.

“This damn room smells like smoke! What the hellfire kind of joint you running, Boss? What happened here?”

My response was classic me:

“Oh, you’re referring to that brimstone smell, sir?  Well, you see… we incinerate guests that complain about the room in any way. Housekeeping does their best to freshen the room afterwards but you can still smell flash-fried tourist in the air from time to time.”

The secret is to remain totally deadpan the entire time. It throws guests off their game every time.

And yes, I know what you’re thinking, but I took the only path open to me in a case such as this. I walked over to the window, opened it and tossed the hospitality rule book out to the streets of Niagara Falls below. Metaphorically, of course; we’d have to be fools to install balconies on a hotel right across from a casino…

And how did the Redneck Guest respond to my smartassery you ask? He took a moment to process my Canadian wit and then he let loose once more.

“You’re one funny sumbitch, Boss! (Long pause.)  But we’re still getting the hellfire out of this room!”

You gotta admire a man who knows what he wants, right?

See you in the lobby, kids…

OCc61DA

Meet the hotel’s new Customer Service Department…

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Ten Signs Summer Has Almost Arrived In Niagara Falls.

As I’ve heard more than once, “Your foreplay could use a little work… could we just skip to the main event?”

Words to live by, kids. Let’s get right to today’s main event. Never mind calendars or the words of meteorologists, I would like to share my personal prognosticating cues. 

ONE)  The consistent string of warmer days – much like the cougars that have tried to mount me over the years – are right on top of us.  I love the summer. Period. Sure, it gets a little humid in a bellman’s monkey suit – nothing ruins a shift like swamp butt, kids – but overall, there’s no better time to be a Niagara Falls bellman than the summer.

TWO)  The older folks are beginning to retreat in droves.  They’re all over the Niagara region in the winter, but summer temps keep the seniors away. Seriously, they hate summertime in Niagara Falls. One older gentleman I recently met summed it up best:

“We’ve raised our own kids and now we don’t want to spend our vacations surrounded by screaming little bastards!  Plus, we can’t stand the crowds… they make us want to kill someone… and we don’t have the strength!”

To be fair, he really was too old to waste time being indirect. And by the way, he said Abe Lincoln was a very nice gentleman.

THREE)  There are more heads in beds during the week.  To suggest the hotel biz slows down during the winter months is like suggesting I have a bit of an attitude problem. Weekends stay busy all year round but weekdays are deader than Cruz’s Presidential campaign. But things are beginning to pick up from Monday to Friday, so summer, unlike my chances of ever getting published by The Huffington Post, can’t be far away.

FOUR)  The families are returning in record numbers.  Obviously, we see a lot of clans in Niagara Falls in the summertime. Everyone that can’t afford Disney or Vegas winds up here. So when I see a steady string of mini-vans during the week I know the good times are just around the corner.

FIVE)  Topless young ladies are beginning to show up at the hotel.  Never when I’m on duty, of course. Still, thank Heavens for warmer temperatures. Yes, I’m married, but my appreciation for a beautiful woman does not in any way diminish my love for my soulmate. Of course, she’s still going to kick my ass when she reads this.

SIX)  There are fewer toothless hookers prowling the streets of Niagara.  It’s well-known fact that summertime horndogs have higher standards. Don’t ask me why, as a born slacker I just scratch the surface with my research. No sense in straining myself, right?

SEVEN)  The corporate A-Holes are beginning to retreat to the Fifth Level of Hell.  For the most part (maybe 60%), corporate drones are lower than cockroaches when it comes to tipping and treating those of us in the hospitality biz with respect. So for the most part (maybe 80%), of me hates their guts. Fortunately, most businesses don’t hold retreats in the summer so I’m spared their wrath in the sweltering heat.

EIGHT)  I’m seeing more dead squirrels on my path to work.  It’s a sad fact but that doesn’t make it any less true: the summertime brings summer traffic and summer traffic is bad news for the furry residents of Niagara Falls. And it’s bad for the animals too. I don’t like seeing innards strew across the road as I travel back and forth from work. I’m funny like that.

 NINE)  There are more golf bags in my luggage room.  The retreat of Jack Frost from Canadian streets means that golfers can start coming back to Niagara to play with their balls. Stop giggling.

TEN)  My Spidey senses are tingling.  Either that, or I’m having a stroke. Regardless, summer is still on its way.

BONUS SIGN)  The Hornblower boats are back in the water!  This attraction is as much a part of Niagara Falls as the Falls themselves. If you ever visit my nape of the woods, you have to take a Hornblower cruise. That’s an order.

Hornblower 1

And that’s it, kids. Summer’s imminent arrival means I’ll have less time to blog. On the plus side, summer’s imminent arrival means I’ll have plenty of bitchin’ tales to share.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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Not-so-Silent Sunday: Mother’s Day Edition.

Slight change of plans today, friends.

I just want to share a few words about this most underrated of holidays, Mother’s Day. In terms of acknowledging the value of mothers, we’ve come a long way in our society from the days of the prototypical mom like June Cleaver.

But we still have a long way to go.

Incidentally, if you watch the “old-time TV shows” like I do, you’ll see that June was actually quite, well, useless. She deferred to her husband on every matter from child-rearing to the color of new drapes (they all looked grey to me anyway)  unable to handle any task beyond wrapping pearls around her neck and preparing dinner for the family. These days, women are more than capable of handling the Beaver on their own.

(You’re giggling right now, aren’t you?)

Beaver171jPhone sex?  Heavens, no!  Just because I named my child “Beaver” doesn’t mean I’m that kind of girl, thank you very much!

At any rate, I just want to say a few words about moms and then I’ll let you get on with your lives and celebrations. 

A mother is as close to God as any of us will ever see on Earth. I mean, think about it, your Mom created you. Sure, dads are the providers of guidance and wisdom, they help pay the bills and they’re there to show you what outward strength is all about.

But moms are the givers of life. There’s no topping that.

In my own case. my father was not a dad. He was little more than a provider of biological fluids. So it fell to my mother to fill in a helluva lot of blanks.

And that’s all I wish to say about my childhood.

But I’ve known many mothers over the course of my life and the ones I’ve been closest to have always impressed me. They’ve helped chart the course of my life. My own wife is the finest mother I’ve ever known and I’m sure my daughter will top her someday.

So to every mom out there in the blogosphere and the so-called real world, I thank you on behalf of the entire planet.

Thank you for the eight hundred hours of labor you were forced to endure. (Yes, that’s the figure my own mother finally arrived at.)

Thank you for the tears you’ve shed for and because of us. You’ve taught us how to feel.

Thank you for all those sleepless nights.

Thank you for being both a mother and father to so many of us.

Thank you for picking up the pieces. Of broken glasses. Of picture frames. Of priceless family heirlooms tipped over by balls that were never meant to be played with in the house. Of our lives. If not for my own mother and the woman who would eventually become the mother of my child, I’d be dead. Period.

Thank you for never complaining as you watched your youth fade away as you slaved at multiple jobs to put food on the table – which you had to also cook.

Thank you for all your sacrifices; there isn’t enough space on all of WordPress to list them here.

Thank you for wearing more hats than the Hatter himself. You’ve had to be a chauffeur, coach, cheerleader, tutor and everything under the sun over the years and we love you for it.

Thank you for never expecting a thank you. Or for that matter, a paycheck.

Thank you for being more reliable than an ATM.

But most of all, thank you for never giving up on us, even when we gave up on ourselves.

And now, just so you don’t think I’ve gone completely sappy…

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See you in the lobby… you mothers.

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31 Things You Never Knew About Nigara Falls.

My hometown is many things to many people, perhaps moreso than any other city on the planet.

To some Niagara Falls is a city constructed around one of Mother Nature’s most powerful works of art.

To others it is a joke of a city constructed around a giant hole in the ground filled with water. (Obviously, those souls are deep thinkers.)

Some visit Niagara to scratch an item off their Bucket List.

Others come to Niagara to end an existence they feel has overwhelmed them.

To the world at large, Niagara Falls is a place of wonder and magic. Just how magical, you ask? Well let’s see…

 1)  I don’t just work in Niagara, I actually hang my bellman’s cap here.  Say what you will, but I still contend my smartassery is a form of magic.

2)  Niagara Falls’ citizenry is composed of many different races and cultures; as such, it is one of the most tolerant cities on Earth.  They haven’t kicked me out yet, so that’s saying a lot…

3)  Two-thirds of the water that would otherwise flow over the Falls is diverted for power generation,leaving one-third for tourists to marvel at.  Fun Fact: it also serves to hide the hangar of my nifty-cool lair from which I plan to run my evil empire.

4)  Someday I plan to create an evil empire.  I really have to get on that soon..

5)  In spite of what his Wikipedia entry says, Joel Thomas Zimmerman, known professionally as deadmau5, hails from Niagara Falls.  But otherwise, Niagara is pretty much rodent free.

6)  The Canadian Falls carry nine times more water than their American counterpart.  In your leathery face, Trump!

7)  The Falls at Niagara (as some old fogies still refer to them) are about 12,000 years old.  So they’re almost as old as Kris Jenner. 

8)  The Niagara River flows at approximately 35 miles/hour.  Which is still slower than the average Asian tour guide.

9)  Annie Taylor “Queen of the Mist” , a school teacher from Bay City Michigan was the first person to travel over the Falls in a barrel on October 24, 1901.  Little Known Fact: She continued to grade papers as she tumbled over. Now that’s dedication, kids.

10)  Two days before Taylor’s own attempt, a domestic cat was sent over the Horseshoe Falls in her barrel to test its strength to see if the barrel would break or not. Contrary to rumors at the time, the cat survived the plunge and 17 minutes later, after she was found with a bleeding head, posed with Taylor in photographs.  The cat then attempted to claw Taylor’s eyes out while hissing something that sounded like, “Do you realize how many of my nine I just used up, bitch? Why the hell hasn’t anyone invented PETA yet?”

11)  One of the bloodiest battles of the War of 1812 took place on July 25, 1814 at Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls, Ontario. A total of 7,500 Americans and Canadians fought for six hours. By the end, 1,000 soldiers lay dead or wounded.  And yet, as a bellman, I’ve seen more carnage in a single hockey family check-in rush.

12)  The waters of Niagara Falls are thoroughly filtered before reaching a single tap.  And yet, I’m my own nightlight. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

13)  The Bridal Veil Falls, located next to the American falls, is named for its appearance.  Contrary to popular belief, it is not a prosecution-free zone where annoying spouses may be thrown over the side, thus eliminating the need for an otherwise-messy divorce. So stop asking me, every husband who has been married longer than twenty-five years.

14) About 5,500 years ago shifting ecological conditions pushed the waters of the Falls to the Whirlpool basin; it was a brief and violent encounter.  Not unlike most of the dates I went on before I met my wife.

15)  Millions of travelers visit Niagara Falls every year.  No, I don’t have exact figures. What am I, some kind of Poindexter who actually researchs what he writes? Have you read this blog before?

16)  Any visitor that quotes a Kardashian while within Niagara Falls city limits will be tazed. Repeatedly.  We’re kind of dicks like that.

17)  Every child born in Niagara Falls is blessed with the ability to speak to the animals.  Sadly, this ability only applies to extinct species. God is kind of a dick like that.

18)  Every daredevil who has ever failed to survive a plunge over the Falls was actually transported to an alternate reality via a portal at the bottom of the Niagara river.  Don’t believe me? Prove I’m lying.

19)  The Falls are illuminated nightly in a dazzling cascade of color.  The lights are powered, Matrix-style, by the bodies of tourists who have been unable to pay their hotel bill. And yes, it’s all perfectly legal in Canada.

illum-02

20)  Taps in Niagara Falls, Canada, have three options: Hot, Cold and Maple Syrup.

21)  Ned Hickson’s mustache is so bitchin’ we gave it honorary Canadian citizenship.

image

22)  The city of Niagara Falls is one giant underdog.  My city takes a beating on all fronts. Authors, DJs like that Joel Zimmerman guy with the ginormous mouse head, comedians and too many bullies to mention are always taking shots at Niagara. There are too many ill-informed folks out there who think Niagara is nothing but the world’s biggest natural spring surrounded by a collection of souvenir shops and tourist traps.

Granted, Niagara Falls is no London, England… but then again, we’re no Detroit, either.

23)  In Niagara, objects in your rear view mirror are actually further away than they appear.  Told you we’re kinda dicks…

24)  Like most cities these days, Niagara is a cultural melting pot, but one group stands apart.  Niagara is home to more Italians than you’d find at a Sopranos convention in Brooklyn. Yell, “Hey, Tony, The Godfather movies suck rocks!” in my city and you better be prepared for a riot, buster.

25)  Disney has Mickey Mouse; Niagara has Jimmy the Tail, the Mafia squirrel.

26)  The real reason the Disney company stopped participating in the Niagara Parks Festival of Lights had nothing to do with Niagara’s casinos.  It was because they refused to add Jimmy the Tail to the light display roster. These things are all political, don’t you know.

27)  There are only two comic book stores in Niagara Falls but six hundred Tim Hortons coffee shops.  Coincidence? I think not. #Conspiracy

28)  The local media and authorities don’t want you to know just how many lost souls actually end their lives by jumping into the Falls.  No jokes here, folks. This fact keeps me awake some nights. I don’t have any answers but I know this situation is slowly becoming an epidemic. And there’s no vaccine for this virus.

29)  Niagara Falls is home to more “Daves” than any other Canadian city.  Prove me wrong.

30)  At the peak of summer, Niagara is occupied by more nuts per square inch than a Planters factory.  But I love tourists, I swear.

31)  There’s nowhere on Earth I’d rather live.  I met my wife here. (Which probably explains why she wants to move.) My daughter was born here. I became a bellman in this city. Being a bellman has shown me who I really am. I love this city. What? Sometimes I can get to the point without a lot of jibber-jabber. Shut up.

And that’s it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this informative, somewhat-true post, kids.

See you in the lobby…

 

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