The Hook Saves The Day?

Maybe not, but I’m sure gonna try.

The hotel recently received their service scores for January; the month isn’t over yet, but the results were… less than stellar to say the least. After almost twenty years in the hospitality game I can honestly say these things don’t worry me anymore. 

I’m the sure Hotel Management feels differently…

The thing is, service scores rise and fall like the tides. You’re always going to have guests who, for one reason or another, have an axe to grind. Sometimes their anger is justified, sometimes they’re just twisted, bitter buggers who get off on causing others misery.

I just wish those individuals would be content with their work at the DMV, but sadly, they aren’t.

Of course, sometimes the fault actually lies at the feet of the people in my neighborhood. The turnover rate can be pretty high in a hotel, and let’s face it, service positions such as housekeeping don’t have wage scales that reflect the challenges of the position – I’ve had to clean a room or two in my day and it sucks – so I understand why some people don’t exactly give 110%.

But in the end, there’s room for improvement in both sides of the counter, as they say. So here are a few ideas to raise the hotel’s service score fortunes, courtesy of my beautifully damaged mind.

 1)  More themed rooms.  Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? Nerds currently spend more cash in the general economic marketplace than any other group – with the exception of the Kardashians – so hotels really should be catering to the geeks among us. (And yes, that includes me.) I can see it now:

  • Front Desk clerks in Original Generation Star Trek uniforms.
  • Doors that slide open and hiss when you use them.
  • Parking garages modeled after the Batcave – complete with real bats! (Okay, maybe not; bat guano is a bitch to get off a decent paint job.) 
  • Elevator doors that look like the TARDIS.
  • Automat restaurants like the one in season one of Marvel’s Agent Carter.


Now, if only the prices could be the same…

 Come to think of it, that actually sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it?


2)  Hotel Sponsored Hookers.  I hate sanitized words like “escort’, “working girl”, “courtesan” or “concubine”. The cold, definitely-hard truth is this: guests will always be ordering hookers, so why shouldn’t hotels profit from that?

Additionally, hotels could screen prospective hookers to avoid hiring foul-tempered, disease-infested ladies with three teeth. Entire wings of a property could be devoted to this endeavor, thus separating the horny guests who prefer to pay for companionship from the masses.  In the end (pun intended), everyone could benefit from this plan.

I’m a hospitality genius…


3)  Keep desks in the rooms!  For reasons known only to their dealers, executives at the Marriott hotel chain have been phasing desks out of their rooms, angering business-class guests (who are already miserable as hell half the time).

I guess Marriott execs have no idea that many of their more adventurous guests copulate on those very same desks. or at least, they used to.

Personally, I’d go the other way and make the desks more conducive to copulation. I’d add Liberator sex pillows as well, thus easing the burden of the many guests who have to lug their naughty pillows along with them, all the while worrying about snide – but clever – remarks from some smartass bellman like myself.


4)  Bacon!  Who doesn’t love the greasy-artery-clogging-yet-ridiculously-delicious gift from the Heavens that we call bacon? Yes, far too many travelers these days are overweight and have more chins than a Chinese phone book, but who cares? Yes, this plan would actually hurt the hotel’s chances of repeat business by bringing some guests to a premature end, but so what? Live in the now, I say!

GoAO5UrAdmit it, you’re weeping, aren’t you?

That’s all I have for now, friends. It’s not easy being this brilliant while sober. Then again, I’m always sober, so…

See you in the lobby, kids…

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Don’t Believe The Hype, Kids…

When it comes to unbelievably-wild situations that make The Hangover movies seem credible, Vegas doesn’t have the market cornered, baby.

Not at all.

We may not have sexually-ambiguous magicians, pop stars who are on the verge of a breakdown doing five shows a week, or billions of slot machines running simultaneously, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have tenth-level nut-bars running the streets.

For example, take the case of the young, disgruntled Bostonian guest who found himself Hulking out after being evicted for… you guessed it, losing his temper while partying. The little man in question was a real Mini-Hulk, ranting and raving about his plight. When the Front Desk had their fill, he was escorted outside and off the property by Security.

Naturally, he did what any rational person in his situation would have done: he went across the street to the casino to try his non-existent luck.

Can you see where this is going, folks?

He lost – BIG TIME.

And so he Hulked out on some poor bugger’s truck. And so the poor bugger did what any rational person would do:

he got out of his truck and hit Mini-Hulk in the temple with a pickaxe.

Yes, you read that correctly. One irrational act led to another and Mini-Hulk got the side of a pickaxe against his temple.

Granted, he didn’t pull out his own tooth or wake up with Mike Tyson’s tiger… but you gotta admit, Mini-Hulk’s fate was horribly awesome.

The story ended in the ER and the local cop shop.

And my blog, of course.

I love it when everyone wins, don’t you?

See you in the lobby, kids…


Posted in Hotel Life | 26 Comments

Silent Sunday: Game of Bones.

“There is no creature on earth half so terrifying as a truly just man.”  

And a doggie who hasn’t received her daily allotment of Milk Bones…

20151225_101829See you in the lobby, kids…


Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , | 16 Comments

The Ultimate Travel Tip: NEVER Try To Negotiate With A Working Girl.

You’re a chuckling right now, but trust me, right now, somewhere in America, there is a man with extremely damaged testicles who can attest to the value of my advice.

This poor, deluded, dumb-ass schmuck actually attempted to renegotiate the terms of the oral contract (yes, go ahead and laugh) between himself and two ebony and ivory hookers. For the uninitiated, that means one was black and one and was white. 

As happens from time to time, I was not directly involved in this situation, and for once, I am sincerely grateful for that. As an aside, the best part of this twisted Tarnatinoesque situation?

It happened twice this week.

But getting back to the schmuck in question, Lord only knows what really went on in his room (and I’m sure the Lord looked away quickly), but at some point things got ugly and according to the bits and pieces John Schmuck was willing to reveal, the following scenario played out:

1)  John Schmuck tried to negotiate… most likely during the post-coital phase.

2)  The ladies weren’t interested in negotiating – to say the least.

Fun Fact Break:  Hookers sometimes have extremely long nails, which they use to defend themselves – and to punish Johns who get unruly. Yes, this is an actual fun fact.

3)  One of the ladies used that method to teach John Schmuck a lesson his balls won’t soon forget.

4)  He ran out of the room and rather than run for the elevator, stairwell, or hallway phone… he pulled the hallway fire alarm.

5)  Inexplicably, the ladies stayed in the room for a few minutes, but eventually they ran like Kim Kardashian when she spots a pack of reporters and beat it the hell out of the hotel. (To be clear, Kim K runs to the reporters’ cameras.)

6)  Firefighters responding to the alarm reported seeing two working girls running like hell out of the hotel and right into a waiting car.

7)  John Schmuck, despite the fact his balls were bleeding profusely, refused to go to the ER. Guess he didn’t want to have the inevitable, “Doc, you’re not going to believe this one!” conversation with the attending physician.

8)  John Schmuck got some bandages, patched himself up and got the hell out of Dodge.

Fun Fact:  John Schmuck has been a regular at the hotel. I wonder if this literal brush with death will change that?

In the end, Security got a kick-ass report, I got a great post, the local fire department got irked that John wasn’t actually on fire

“Twice in a week? And neither guy was on fire? Jeez!”

the ER was spared a messy job, the hookers got frustrated and violent, and John got himself some nasty lacerations on his boy parts.

But hopefully he learned a valuable life/travel lesson:

Never, ever, attempt to negotiate with a hooker! The price is the price! If you don’t like it, don’t play the game! Trust me, the balls you save could be your own.

See you in the lobby, kids…

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , , | 31 Comments

The Marketing Force is Strong With This Franchise…

I really don’t need to tell you which franchise, do I?

Even if you’ve been in a coma like the Bride for years, you’ve heard the Star Wars theme emanating from a television, a radio, a device, or an overzealous nerd. It’s everywhere, kids.

And so is the legendary marketing team. These guys and gals have been hard at work for decades, elevating George Lucas’ sci-fi opera from a series of movies with a spotty record to a global money-making, Death-Star-like machine that has raked in billions of dollars. The very fact that Lucasfilm had a marketing team in the Seventies is legendary on its own. Remember, Georgie Boy famously sacrificed part of his director’s salary in order to retain the merchandising rights to the first Star Wars film, a move that has made him a demi-god amongst film people.

You can find the Star Wars logo on virtually every type of product in the galaxy – with a few notable exceptions, of course.

Like what? I’m so glad you asked. Here a few Star Wars: The Force Awakens tie-in items you’ll likely never see.

 1)  Jar Jar Binks brand watermelons.  Anyone who thinks I’ve gone too far has obviously never detected the racial undertones that went into this character’s creation.


2)  Han Solo Lotion.  Tired of suitors with rough hands, ladies? Now you can ensure a more pleasurable experience the next time your partner’s digits go a wanderin’! Han Solo Lotion: For hands so low, you can’t see what they’re doing… even though you can certainly feel it!

3)  Chewbacca Home Perm Kit.  For a mane so luxurious and firm, even a Wookie would be jealous. Though hopefully not enough to rip your arms off.

4)  C-3PO Stone.  Now you can be fluent – and annoying – in current and ancient dialects from all over the galaxy and beyond.

5)  English for One Graders: Jar Jar Binks edition.  I’ll say it for you, “Mesa  think you crazy, Hook!” But think about it; you can’t understand what your kids are saying now anyway, right?

6)  Dial-a-Vader.  Talk about phone sex with a difference! Feeling confused right now? Like my wife says, you have to do somethings for yourself every once in awhile, buddy.


7)  Luke Skywalker Binoculars.  Hey, kids! Now you can see even father into the distance while pondering the consequences of making out with your sister. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always assumed Angelina Jolie was inspired by Luke and Leia when she made out with her brother at that awards show.

8)  The “Luke, I Am Your Father!” Paternity Test.  To help avoid those truly messy “Is he or isn’t he?” family dilemmas that sometimes result in people losing their heads, or in some cases, a hand.

9)  “Hello, I’m Not The Droid You’re Looking For” Name Tags.  The best products solve a common problem. Finally, a product that makes it easier to go through Imperial security without all the inconvenience of a body cavity search by a customs droid with cold, mechanical probes.

10)  Ginsu Lightsaber Slicing Kit.  Never mind being able to cut through a tin can, now you can slice through pretty much anything. Except for the plot holes in The Phantom Menace, that is.

Well, I’m late for a meeting with Disney’s marketing department.

See you in the lobby, my fellow Rebels…

tumblr_lrzqpy39cv1r3parto1_400Princesses Gone Wild: Fett Edition?


Posted in Hotel Life | 15 Comments

I’m Not Customer Support, People!

But that doesn’t mean guests don’t think I have all the answers.

It has to be the glasses.

And the pasty, white guy complexion

And the tech support demeanor.

Either way, people ask me a lot of questions and so I thought I’d share some of them. Thank you, Suzie, for the inspiration. She once threatened to disable my typing fingers if I ever failed to acknowledge her greatness, so…

At any rate, here are just a few of the rather… unique queries guests have blasted me with over the last two decades. Like my life as a bellman, there is no categorization, rhyme, reason or logic to this assortment.

“Do you know if Housekeeping can get blood out of the carpet? Like… A LOT of blood? I mean… it’s EVERYWHERE!” 

No, the authorities did not become involved in this one, kids… though they probably should have been called.


“I have a problem… can you direct me to a washroom?” 

Now, before you decide I’ve lost my blogging edge and click over to a more mentally stimulating site – like Redtube – bear with me. Turns out, in this case, the question itself is irrelevant.

The fact the gentleman who asked the question was buck naked at the time? Well, that’s the fascinating – and completely icky – part, folks. He had got up in the middle of the night to relieve himself, stumbled out into the hall (without his room key, obviously), and decided to wander the lobby in search of literal relief rather than knock on the room door and wake up his traveling companion. Of course, considering the fact his daughter was his traveling companion, I can see his point, I guess.

I wish that was the only point of his I saw…

And no, I have no idea why he was sleeping nude with his daughter in the room, or why for that matter, he decided to go to the washroom naked. Or how he would up in the hall instead of the crapper. This guy appeared to completely sober – and completely clueless.



“I think it’s unfair that Americans have to recognize Canadian laws! Why do Americans have to obey the laws of a backwards country? Don’t we own you guys?”

This isn’t so much a question as it is an indictment of an entire country’s educational system.


“Are there any establishments in Niagara Falls that have culture? Like a jazz club? Or a place that features jazz and ladies midget wrestling?”

Because, you know, jazz and ladies midget wrestling go hand-in-hand.



“We’re checking out now… if I put our chihuahua in a suitcase, can you watch him in your luggage room while we see the sights?”

I know you’re shaking your head right now. Yes, this happened. No, we did not keep the dog in our storage room. Not until the clueless-but-gorgeous, ginger vixen in question forked over big bucks, that is.

Calm down, you bleeding hearts, we fetched a cage for the yappy little Mexican nut job first.


This next one came from a particularly-clueless young lady from Arkansas who was on her first trip with her new boyfriend, whom she was eager to please, apparently…

“We’re allowed to have butt sex in the room, right? I mean, there’s no law against Americans doing that in Canada, right?”

Oh, the fun I could have had with this little brain donor if only I had the time. Unfortunately, she sprang that query on me as I was leaving the room after delivering their “luggage”. (Plastic bags, a laundry basket, shoes, and of course, lots of booze to make what was to come later infinitely easier, I bet.)

I’d be a fool to try to top that one, right?

See you in the lobby, kids…

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , | 46 Comments

Silent Sunday: The “Iron Man”, Murdoch Mysteries Style.

Like the title?

I figured they have “Wordless Wednesday”, so why not “Silent Sunday”?

Here’s the deal – don’t want to fill a silent post with too much wordsmithery – I’ll occasionally fill this space with a select photo from my personal archive. Granted, I’m not much of a photog, and so my archive is rather small. (Don’t chuckle ladies, I said my archive was small.)

Anyhoo, here we go. Here’s a pic from last year’s Murdoch Mysteries Fan Day that foreshadows Tony Stark’s eventual metallic breakthrough.

20150809_114605I’m still waiting for Detective William Murdoch to invent the turn-of-the-century Batmobile…

Incidentally, folks, you have to attend a Fan Day event at least once. Even if you’re not a fan of Murdoch Mysteries – which boggles the mind – you’d love the peek behind the curtain of a modern television production. Which, in this case, ironically enough, is a period piece.

And yes, I realize this has been a “Not Quite Silent Sunday”, but nobody’s perfect. My blog, my rules.

See you in the lobby, kids…

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , | 15 Comments