What The Hell Is The Hook Thinking Now?

It’s Monday, I’m still wrestling with personal demons, the hotel is full and so is my day.

So here we go…

ONE)  The Price Was Right, Obviously.  Kayleigh McEnany (don’t feel bad, I had no idea who the hell she was either) announced her CNN departure on Saturday and is now delivering news from Trump Tower. She announced her new position (aka the selling of her soul) with a video that ends with, “I’m Kayleigh McEnany, and that is the real news.” Her critics are comparing it to state-owned channels in other countries. 

I’m comparing it to a case of yet another douchebag selling out.



“In other news… I’ve sold my journalistic integrity for Trump bucks!”

Speaking of douchebags selling out…


TWO)  The Dark Tower isn’t exactly a towering achievement in film-making.  To say the least.  Saw Stephen King’s latest sell-out filmed adaptation this weekend. To be fair, I wasn’t expecting a full translation of an eight-book series in one film… but what the duck were they thinking?

The Dark Tower isn’t that bad as a stand-alone flick but it sucks rocks as a adaptation of an epic series that i maintain is one of the best of all time.

Had they done their job correctly, the film-makers could’ve given us a franchise that would have satisfied fans old and new and made a buttload of money, far more than whatever King sold out for. This guy just keeps surrendering creative control and betraying his legion of fans.

And we keep falling for it.


“Seriously? They got the blondest dude in Hollywood to play the man in Black?”


THREE)  We didn’t sing Babalu but…  My daughter and I attended the annual Lucy Comedy Fest in downtown Jamestown, NY, this weekend. (Yes they actually have a downtown!)

The trip to Jamestown consisted of a bus journey with two dozen seniors, a wacky-but-competent bus driver, a hyper-perky-yet-cool guide – and The Hook and his daughter. We passed three dozen junked vehicles, four dozen derelict homes (don’t ask me why I’m writing like a baker today) only a few farm animals and more than one welfare momma, cigarette in hand, standing in her driveway, leaning against a van that doesn’t run while waiting for her government-issued food stamps and her Trump brand wheel of American cheese.

My daughter insisted I narrate the tour next time. I’m considering it.

Incidentally, Jamestown and the surrounding townships are home to more cemeteries than I’ve ever seen in my life. Whether or not that has anything to do with the bio-engineering facility we passed on the way in, I have no idea…

At any rate, since we were deep in the heart of Redneckville I decided to dress the part:

California here I come…

(Yes, some of these pics are larger-than-life. Deal with it.)

I have to say, they’re doing a superb job of maintaining Lucille Ball’s legacy in Jamestown. The museum is amazing, the town tour rocks, the Lucy merch is excellent and  the food, which is delicious, by the way, is served in the Tropicana, part of the Desilu Studios.

I may be a child of the Seventies, but I loved this.

Of course, it has to be acknowledged that the Lucy Comedy Fest is actually world-class; former King of Queens Kevin James, the super vulgar Lisa Lampinelli, the cerebral Robert Klein and the angry Lewis Black all appeared when we were there – and they rocked hard. In fact, Jamestown is poised to become the pinnacle of comedy with the construction of a 30 million dollar comedy center.

Not bad for a bunch of rednecks, right? Lucy has literally saved this town.



See you in the lobby, kids…

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The Hook’s Canadian Citizenship Guide.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (the selfie guy!) government’s recently-reported changes to Canada’s citizenship guide have inspired me to consider what I would do if such a monumental undertaking was left in my hands.

I know what you’re thinking, but trust me, Canada would be one unbelievably-kick-ass country if The Hook was in charge. It wouldn’t be boring, that’s for damn sure…

Of course, this country’s looking pretty damn good to the world simply because of who isn’t running it these days, am I right?

So let’s examine a few of my citizenship guidelines, shall we? But first, here is the actual oath of Canadian Citizenship as it stands today:

I swear (or affirm)
That I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second
Queen of Canada
Her Heirs and Successors
And that I will faithfully observe
The laws of Canada
And fulfill my duties as a Canadian citizen.

Now let’s see how far into the ground I can grind these ideals…


ONE)  Forget everything you’ve ever heard about Canada from Americans.  This country is nothing like the image the average Yankee carries within them… so push whatever you’ve read, heard or seen that may have come from the United States out of your mind. Canada has to be experienced, not studied.

And for the record, while I have no axe to grind with Her Majesty, the Queen, I don’t give her a second thought. And neither does anyone else I know.


TWO)  End any sentence with “eh?” and you’ll be beaten within an inch of your life.  Again, Canada is not a stereotype in 4D, it’s a wholly-unique nation of literate, well-spoken individuals. Okay, so some of our citizens are inbred rednecks, it’s true. But I don’t live near or personally know any politicians, so who cares about them?


THREE)  Be respectful of the unknown and new.  Canada is the great melting pot of the northern hemisphere. Period.

Now that we’ve established that, here’s my point. You are going to see things that seem strange. You are going to see things that will seem bizarre and counter-productive. You are going to see things that will seem to make no sense to you whatsoever.

Embrace these new experiences and draw what you can from them. There’s power to be found in the unknown, my friends.



FOUR)  Use your government-issued stipend wisely.  All new citizens will be issued one thousand dollars in Canadian Tire money. We suggest you use it to purchase items every Canadian uses on a daily basis. These include, duct tape, a garden hose (for washing down your driveway if you’re European), and of course, a Philips screwdriver.

And yes, we realize you have to spend another thousand dollars in actual money to get ten cents in CT cash. Welcome to our world, citizens.


FIVE)  The Equality of Women and Men? Yeah, right!  In Canada, men and women are equal under the law.

In theory.

However, if you’re married you know “equality” is simply a word, nothing more. I have been married twenty-two years. My wife and I were equal for a a nanosecond. Then I said “I do.”, which actually means, “I do… hereby relinquish all rights and privileges associated with the concept known as free will.”

Until death so us part. And beyond.

So if you’ve journeyed from a nation/culture that doesn’t recognize this  universal truth ( that women are in charge) no deity is going to be able to help you, so you better pray they have mercy on your soul, friend.


SIX)  Defending Canada.  There is no compulsory military service in Canada. (Why do you think I’m still here?) However, you’re more than welcome to serve in the armed forces if khaki is your color and you like the concept of serving in a military that every other nation mocks vigorously. Seriously, even Greenland laughs at us.

So if you’re like me, the military won’t be in your future. But if you still feel like defending your new nation’s honor there are a few options open to you:

  •  Get into it with any American you see. (not physically, of course, but you can still whup their ass verbally.)
  •  Volunteer in your adopted community.  (You’ll be improving your microverse and this will enrich Canada as a whole. The Butterfly Effect rocks.)
  •  Vote! Too many people in every country in the world shirk this responsibility and look where it’s landed us as a planet. be the change or be a jackass, it’s up to you.


SEVEN)  In this country, we’re lovers not fighters.  From the actual Canadian Citizenship Guide:

Canada’s openness and generosity do not extend to barbaric cultural practices that tolerate spousal abuse, “honour killings,” female genital mutilation, forced marriage or other gender-based violence.

Let those words soak in, people. Canadians may be pacifists at heart but never mistake mercy for weakness. Inflict violence on others while on Canadian soil and we’ll fuck you up. Period.


EIGHT)  Cursing is not only allowed (obviously) but encouraged.  I’m not going to lie to you, you’re going to find life in Canada hard at times. But so what? You’re made of glass are you?

Nut up or shut up, my friend!


Curse all you like. Find your stress relief wherever you can. With some exceptions of course:

  •  Stay off the booze. (My childhood was irreparable damaged by alcoholism; don;t make the same mistakes my parental units did or I’ll kill ya.)
  •  Gambling is just that. And the House always wins.
  •  Drugs are certainly tempting but they’ll drag you down and smother you.
  •  Porn is… well, good old-fashioned mainstream porn is fine so stick with that.


NINE)  Accept that you don’t know everything… and neither do I.  So this is the end. Almost. Only you can determine just what sort of Canadian you’re going to be. So take your time, pay attention to those of us who are already here, and figure it out at your own pace.


TEN)  Canada is a concept, not a place.  Canadians aren’t Americans, so don’t go down that road. They rarely make war pictures about our army. We’re not the world’s police force; we’re the guys who pick up the pieces from other’s conflicts.

We can hold our own against anyone but we prefer to talk it out until the last possible second. Canada is peaceful resolution embodied.

We can destroy with the best of them but we prefer to create. Canada is creativity realized.

We can be as obnoxious as any other jackass watching a game at a bar but we prefer to be respectful. Unless our team wins… then we’ll be a pain in the ass for hours. Canada is honesty personified.

We can drink anyone under the table (with the exception of the Irish) but we prefer to use our powers wisely. Canada is control achieved.

Tho my wife would argue that not all Canadians have the same level of control. Then again, I believe she’s referring to something else entirely in those instances…


If you’re reading this you’re one of us now. We’ve got your back. Have fun out there, you newly-minted Canuck…

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What’s On The Hook’s Mind Now?


How’s that hangover treating you, friends?

My apologies for the overbearing cyber-stimulation.  I simply felt the need to be a dick. To be fair, it’s in my DNA, so…

#BoycottSearsCanada… Do it now!  Where’s a pack of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches when you really need ’em?  Levity aside, the Canadian version of Sears is facing a social media riot campaign calling for a massacre boycott after the company said it planned on paying $9.2 million in retention bonuses to key staff during restructuring, despite not offering severance to laid-off workers.  Can you imagine working for a company for forty years only to be bent over and drilled in the backside?  With a two-by-four?

So much for the softer side of Sears, right?

More Amazonian goodness please!  San Diego Comic Con 2017 has produced enough buzz to take down King King, but the news that a Wonder Woman sequel is coming has both fan-girls and boys losing their sheep.

Yes, I typed “sheep”; my daughter wants me to make more of an effort to stop cursing so much. I’m doing my best but it’s a ducking drag.  And yes, I also used “Wonder Woman” and “coming” in the same sentence.  Grow up.

Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman first made an appearance in the 2016 film "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice." Her 2017 solo movie broke a box office record for most money made by woman director on its opening weekend.

“Tread carefully, Hook… I’ll gut you like a pasty white fish.”

Say whaaat, Will?  Actor and raiser of truly bizarre progeny, Will Smith, told fans at Comic Con that seeing Star Wars at age ten for the first time was “better than sex.”

Will Smith speaks onstage at Netflix Films: "Bright" and "Death Note" panel during Comic-Con International 2017 at San Diego Convention Center on July 20, 2017 in San Diego, California.

“For my entire life I’ve been chasing, trying to give that feeling to fans. There was nothing that I had experienced in my life that matched that point of ecstasy.  I had sex a few years later.  It was close, but no Star Wars.”

I’m sure Will’s first cousin was very disappointed to hear that…

What?  I already told you I was a dick.



Some things never change… Ever.  Case in point:

BOSTONIAN GUEST:  (As I’m unloading his luggage at the door.)  How do you do this job, buddy?  Doesn’t the repetition drive you insane?

CANADIAN ME:  Well, that depends on you, doesn’t it, sir?  Walking out the door at the end of a shift with a pocket full of cash makes any job easier to bear.

BG:  (Yelling to the back of the room.)  Hey, Marge!  This bell guy’s fuckin’ hilarious!  Here’s a tip, buddy… you earned it!

Hey, I said I was going to try to stop cursing…

SERIOUSLY???  Senior counselor (and resident whackjob) to President Trump, Kellyanne Conway, told CNN’s Brian Stelter yesterday that “Russia is not a big story”.

That White House Kool-Aid must be ambrosia… because Kellyanne is bathing in the sheep.

I think that’s enough for now, don’t you?  I don’t want to make you spit out any more of that delicious, sweet sippin’ coffee.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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What’s on The Hook’s Mind… Again.

To be perfectly honest… my mind is pretty much a blank right now.

Except for personal challenges and random thoughts that flash by while I’m stuck on the crapper for hours, that is. (IBS rules!) At any rate, here are a few random thoughts I’ve had today.

Enjoy, and don’t blame me, blame television for making me this way.

The Wild Ride has reached San Diego Comic Con!  I am insanely-jealous of Susie Lindau right now. Then again, what else is new? She’s talented beyond measure, she’s a survivor and she’s eternally optimistic.

She really is the perfect human being that I’m not married to.

Andrew Gower with new friends Susie and Danny

Incidentally, Susie is the cutie on the left.  She’ll steal your heart and your secrets, apparently…


Spicer has left the White House building.  At least now he’ll have more time to hang out in the bushes. But seriously, the Trump saga is going to be so boring from now on.  Yes, I realize how that sounds. Shut up.

Who would’ve thought that “Old Spice” would be the one member of Donny’s inner circle to show some backbone and stand up for what he believes in? What’s America coming to?


He was a lousy father but we loved him anyway.  Actor John Heard, famous as the world’s most forgetful dad in the Home Alone series, has passed away. Heard was an accomplished character actor and by all accounts, a great guy. It’s a cliché but it’s true… he will be deeply missed.

Heard could never shake his role as the dad in the "Home Alone" movies.

“Don’t screw with me, Hook!  I’ll haunt your ass!”


Donald Trump Jr. is still a lying putz.  That’s it. What else is there to say, really?


This guy embodies everything that is wrong with America.  And the world really.  The video below says it all, but let me say this: While I can be quick on the trigger myself at times (metaphorically, of course; I’ve never held a gun in my life) this moron is a menace to society and service vehicles everywhere.

Whatever happened to restraint?  Or compassion for innocent motorized vehicles?  The true measure of a man is whether or not he can suffer fools (as he perceives them) gladly without resorting to, “Marge, get my gun!”



O.J. is free at last!  I wonder if he’ll return to Niagara eventually?  (I served the controversial Mr. Simpson on two memorable occasions.)  Don’t judge me too harshly; his money is still good as far as I’m concerned and he tips a helluva lot better than most guests.

“I’m coming for you, Hook!”


As I often tell the wife, “That’s all I got. I hope it was enough.”

See you in the lobby, kids…



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5×5 With The Hook: Patty Sullivan.

It’s not often I can apply the word “hero” to a television personality but today’s guest is more than deserving of the designation.

Yes, I’m being serious; this isn’t one of those cases where I’m utilizing my patented hyperbole to maximum effect. The truth is, Patty Sullivan has been shaping young minds for decades (and no, Patty, this shouldn’t make you feel old!) and I can think of no cause more noble.

Can you?


Patty Sullivan

I told you she was a knock-out – with a brain, of course…


I remember cuddling with my daughter on the couch of my in-laws backroom where we lived for a time, watching Patty as she hosted the TVOKids on TVOntario (think Canadian PBS) stable of programming, which, by the way, was clean as a whistle and entertaining for all ages. PS held court on Kiddie TV Land from 1994 to 2003 before moving on to the hosting position at the Kids’ CBC block on Canada’s network, CBC from 2003 to last year.

I could publish volumes about the circumstances surrounding Patty’s forced departure from CBC but out of respect for her, I’ll stay quiet for once in my life.

Which sucks, by the way.

At any rate, between her two hosting gigs and an untold number of public appearances at malls, schools, special events, uprisings and beheadings (oh, that Hook!) Patty Sullivan has educated, entertained and guided millions of young people – and more than one adult – to a degree that cannot be measured.

If that’s not a hero I don’t know what is.

Plus, she’s smart as a whip (whatever that means) damn cute and has proven she can take whatever life throws at her and laugh it off while raising her own kids and being a kick-ass partner to her spouse.

As for the rest of her bio, PS graduated from the radio and television arts program at Ryerson University in the 90s, after which she fully intended to pursue a career as the world’s foremost super spy. You may be laughing but think about it: who could possibly suspect such a smiley-faced grown cherub of being a female Bond? She would’ve slain the competition. Literally, of course.

Sadly, Patty kept blowing her cover by stopping to educate every kid she encountered on good manners, morals and math. It’s tough to be a Bourne with girl parts when you’re making balloon animals for a target’s children. And so she pursued a career in journalism, cutting her teeth in news radio before taking over Canada’s provincial public broadcasters.

The rest is Canadian TV history, kids.

Since she left, CBC Patty has appeared on Murdoch Mysteries (Yay!), Conviction and the reboot of the beloved children’s series, Caillou.

And now she’s here to make 5×5 history. So let’s get on with it shall we?

ONE)  You’ve helped raise entire generations of kids (seriously, many parents just stick the little ones in front of the TV while they get ready for work, vacuum, guzzle wine, etc.) but what do you do to feel like an adult on occasion?

Well, I’m a parent, so “adulting” pretty much makes up most of my day!!

As for doing adult things that don’t involve my kids, I like taking in some theatre (FYI – if you haven’t seen Come From Away, it’s a must-see when it returns!), and the occasional non-animated movie, (preferably in a VIP theatre because… well… have you been to one?), or just simply going out for dinner to a restaurant that doesn’t have a kids menu!

(I have to agree with PS: Cineplex VIP cinemas are beyond AWESOME!)



TWO)  You’ve been cast as the voice of “Mom” and “Grandma” in a new online version of the beloved, internationally-known animated series, Caillou​; is voice work cooler that live-action performing because you can show up in sweat pants and hair curlers if you feel like it?

I don’t know if I’d say voice work is cooler, but not having to put on make-up and do my hair before going to work is definitely a perk!

Another perk is the anonymity of it. Unless you’re a very recognizable voice (like Morgan Freeman), it’s unlikely anyone will stop you on the street to say “Hey, aren’t you that voice in ___ show?” Not that I crave anonymity. Being recognized for work I’ve done is incredibly rewarding and humbling.

But to your point, if I’m going to work in pajamas, I’d rather not get recognized at that particular moment. All this to say, voice work is incredibly challenging. I think there’s this belief that it’s an easy job, when in reality, that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Like any actor, you have to be able to take direction and do multiple takes, and sustain a character for an extended period of time. But when the audience can only hear your voice, that adds a level of difficulty that isn’t there when you’re seen and can use facial expressions and body language. Some of that may be added to the animation later, but being able to translate all of those feelings through of microphone is extremely challenging.

So cooler? No. Just as cool? Yes.


Related image


THREE)  On your desk right now I’d find…

A coffee cup, a bunch of papers piled up, a paper towel roll and whatever craft stuff my kids have left there! I’ve worked in an office downtown and midtown for most of my career, so up to now, I’ve only ever used our dining room table as my “home office” desk. I guess I need to remedy that?

(I once grew an entire potato from a bunch of leftover McDonald’s fries I left on my desk at home… so you’re good, Patty.)


FOUR)  You’ve watched Canadian television programming shift and sway over the years from a unique perspective – to say the least – in your opinion, where are we at right now? Have we improved? Do we have miles to go? Are the Swedes kicking our butts?

I hope this doesn’t sound too cliché, but I think Canadian TV has always been breaking ground, and still is.

Back when I was a kid it was shows like Hilarious House of Frightenstein, The Friendly Giant, and later, Street Cents. Then we saw incomparable programs like Kids in the Hall and Second City TV. Not to mention Trailer Park Boys, Little Mosque on the Prairie, and Orphan Black. I could go on and on listing the great programs that Canadian productions churn out year after year.

And as for children’s television — what I know best — we continue to be world leaders. You’ve heard of Paw Patrol, right? So even though the way we watch programs may be changing, the content we’re making continues to be top notch.

Sweden may have given us IKEA, but we gave the world Degrassi.

(And Degrassi super fan, Kevin Smith, is eternally grateful that we did.)

FUN FACT!  Patty’s husband, Michael Kinney, appeared on Degrassi for 16 seasons as Coach Armstrong. Knowledge, even of a trivial nature, is power, kids.



“Did The Hook just reference me again?  I though the lawyers handled that.”


FIVE)  Canada, our home and native land, and home to more coffee shops per square mile than any country on Earth, is celebrating it’s 150th birthday this year; can you share five words that sum up your personal feelings about this great land, Patty Sullivan?

I’ve travelled to every province and territory in this great country, so I can honestly say it makes me feel proud, fortunate, optimistic, passionate and inspired.



“The 5×5 ordeal interview is over!  I’m free!”


And there you go, kids, another 5×5 milestone featuring a real-life heroic figure that my family – and most likely yours – owes a debt of gratitude to. So thank you, Patty Sullivan – for everything.

See you in the lobby, friends…

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It’s Monday; What’s On The Hook’s Mind?

Filling this space with something, pretty much anything, obviously.

So let’s get started, shall we?

ONE)  Seriously?  It’s World Emoji Day. If you were unaware of this real-world celebration of the virtual world, congratulations; it may not be much but you officially have something resembling a life.



TWO)  WTF!  Delta Air Lines has retaliated after what it refers to as a “public attack” on its wage slaves employees and victims of corporate greed customers by Ann Coulter, after the succubus conservative pundit posted a series of angry tweets over an inflight seat mix-up she experienced over the weekend. Personally, I think Coulter should be thankful Delta decided against whipping her bony ass out of the plane once it hit cruising level…


THREE)  Cold hard facts.  People are still choosing to end their lives by hurling themselves into the Niagara River via the Falls themselves. One of my best friends was among them. I couldn’t save him. I can’t save them. The wheel goes round and round and as much as I want to get off, I can’t.

Uplifting stuff, right?



FOUR)  Donny Boy’s at it again!  What’s Trump done now? Who cares! As much as my family loves watching Spicer’s escapades in the bushes, the podium, etc., it’s all too much for my fragile psyche. This circus just gets bigger and wilder. Every. Single. Day.

Enough already! This presidency feels like the worst acid trip of all time.

I suspect CNN and Anderson Cooper screwed with the election results and deliberately Trump in power solely for the humongous ratings surge that has shocked even them.



FIVE)  The Yankees are screwed.  In the US, this was supposed to be a all-or-nothing week for the GOP Senate’s health care bill, but instead, it’s officially in limbo land. Why? 

Because Trump has decided to transform Americans into vampires – or give them robot bodies – thus eliminating the need for health care all-together.


SIX)  Finally!  For the first time a woman, Brit actress Jodie Whittaker, will take over the iconic role of Time Lord adventurer Doctor Who. At least this Doctor will stop and ask for directions when the TARDIS gets lost…

My daughter, the ultimate feminist, did an actual back flip when my wife informed her of this milestone.

She broke two lamps and nearly squashed the dog, but it was a great moment in her eighteen-year-old history.


 Jodie WhittakerYou’ve come a long way in the timestream, baby…


SEVEN)  The Rebel Hook.  I was officially the sole human not watching the Game of Thrones premiere last night. It actually felt good, like I was a anarchist, bucking the rules for once in my life. I asked the wife if she wanted to sleep with a bad boy and she said, “Sure! Do I have time to do my hair before he gets here?”


EIGHT)  Leave my heroes alone, Death!  We lost George Romero and Martin Landau over the weekend. Why can’t the Grim Reaper take people who truly deserve it? Say, for example…

https://i1.wp.com/media.salon.com/2013/10/ann_coulter2.jpgYou’re looking in the wrong direction, Ann.  Your lord and benefactor, Satan, is down below.


NINE)  Middle-age sucks.  My IBS – or whatever the hell it is – is still keeping me up at night. Last evening my bowels sounded like an Alien queen caught in a tsunami after I took one of my little white pills. As you can imagine, it’s quite the turn-on for the wife, especially when I have to leap  out of bed and run downstairs to the secluded bathroom – in between bouts waves of agony, that is.

Where are those Kryptonian powers I ask for every year on my birthday?


TEN)  Believe it or not, he was one of the kindest, most generous guests I’ve ever served.  O.J. Simpson will go before a parole board to decide whether he can be released from prison. Personally, I hope he gets out.

Before you judge me too harshly, understand this: so far this summer has been filled with more cheap, rude travelers than I’ve dealt with in some time. Dealing with The Juice would be a welcome change from the nutty norm.


See you in the lobby, kids…

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When You Stare Into The Abyss…

The abyss stares back.

Apparently. To be perfectly honest, I’ve never been much of an abyss starer.

Despite the philosophical direction this post appears to be taking aside, I don’t claim to know anything about existentialism, nihilism or any of that junk. Admit it, you’re shocked, right?

The truth is, this summer has barely started and it’s already been one of the worst of my entire forty-seven years of my existence. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, that Hook! He’s about to go off on one of his patented rants. Buckle up, everyone!” But I’m afraid that’s not the case.

One of my oldest colleagues, a dear friend, a brother, is dead, the victim of tragic circumstances and human failure.

My mother, from whom I have been estranged for years, has cancer. Our relationship is as fractured as that Tiffany lamp my nine-year-old self once chucked my cousin’s Andy’s Stretch Armstrong at during a particularly memorable visit. Unbeknownst to me, Ole Stretch’s corn syrup was long past it’s expiration date, and so he became a wrecking ball, intent on wreaking havoc on my aunt Kathy’s living room – and my childhood reputation as a good nephew. As for my mother, there’s really nothing more to say; I can’t change the past or revise her version of it.

My stomach has been operating on 30% power for three years and as a result, I was forced to ingest four liters of the most vile liquid mixture known to mankind this week in order to prepare myself for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy (the wife joked that they were going to meet in the middle). It’s a well-known fact that men are big babies at times, but having to drink four liters of PegLyte in twelve hours reduced me to a whiny brat who would’ve traded a kidney in order to spare himself further agony.

Even the nurses told me, “the worst is over honey! The procedure itself is a breeze compared to what you’ve already been through!” Nevertheless, I walked into the Greater Niagara General Hospital of my own accord, put on one of those horrible gowns you can never get tied up, let the nurse put a shunt in my hand (blood sprayed all over though I didn’t feel it) and proceeded to the operating room.  To be fair, they wheeled me, so I didn’t actually have to do shit. The the doctor told me, “I’m just going to spray this down your throat. Don’t swallow, just turn over and drool on this towel.”, to which I responded, “Bet you use that line during a lot of dates, right, Doc?”

He wasn’t impressed at first but then he erupted into raucous laughter. Then the anesthesiologist brought things back down to earth with a serious thud by saying, “I’m going to be putting you under heavy sedation but some patients will wake up, see all these people working on them and freak out! But then they just go back to sleep… so you should be good. Okay?”

I nodded. What other choice did I have? If I pissed her off she could’ve given me a one-way ticket to the land of the white light. And so the doc sprayed, and in spite of his instructions, I swallowed until I passed out. (Sounds so wrong, doesn’t it?) I woke up a short while later and got two thumbs up on my colonoscopy.

Again, that sounds super wrong.

However, at the end of the day, my stomach is still a mess though my colon is now clean as a whistle. Though I would appreciate it if you resisted the urge to wrap your lips around my colon and blow. If you’re into that sort of thing, that is…

Now, what the hell else is wrong in my life?

Oh yeah, work! My fellow bellmen have all been devastated by the loss of our brother, Ron Stevens, but as cliché as it is to type, life goes on. As it must. As it will when I leave the Bell department someday. As for the summer itself, it’s sucked harder than Mercedes Carrera during a film shoot. (Emphasis on “shoot”, obviously.) And bother, that’s pretty hard.

Cheap guests are going to come into a bellman’s life; that’s inevitable. It’s all part of the job. Like seeing ugly naked people, running into sixty-year-old hookers or swamp ass. (It can get pretty stuffy in those uniforms and some hotel hallways.) But this hospitality season is fresh out of the box and it already stinks.

Guests to Niagara Falls this summer have been stingy beyond compare.

Guests to Niagara Falls this summer have been so miserable they’ve made Donald Trump look like a literal court jester.

Guests to Niagara Falls this summer have been of the “A full service hotel? What’s that mean? Is that a sex thing?” variety.

And so it’s been challenging to say the least.

The worst part of this summer? My super-sized writer’s block. And yes, that means I’ve been blocked both metaphorically and literally, thanks ever so much for noticing.

In fact, the only thing I’ve been even slightly enthusiastic about is the filmed version of the blog, a project that appears to be as dead in the water as Batfleck’s Batman script. (Get thee to Google, kids!) I have a short-but-tight-script. I have a cast of amateur-but-awesome actors. I’ll have a location when and if I need it. What I don’t have is film equipment or the skills of any of my filmmaking  colleagues/acquaintances, which I desperately need.

I can’t pull this off alone. Interesting side note: Whenever I tell the wife the same thing, she responds with, “You can’t pull it off alone? Sure you can… I’ve seen you!”

At least my marriage is as sound as ever.

My brilliant, cutting edge humor aside, the truth is…

I’m tired. I mean, in-my-bones-and-soul tired.

I’m fed up.

I’m directionless right now.

And on that uplifting note… have a great night, kids!



Why not, right?  I’m not doing anything else with it these days…

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