18 Things You Never Knew About Niagara Falls, Jimmy Fallon.

I know you’re busy unveiling covers for magazines men love to “read’ with one hand, Jimmy, so I’ll cut right to the chase.

The people of Niagara Falls want you here, whether it be for one show, a week, or a lifetime. The choice is yours. Now, this would be a major undertaking so I understand if you’re on the fence. To help sway you, here are a few little nuggets of info about my hometown you may not have been aware of. Enjoy.

1)  In addition to translating to “Land of Fallon” in several ancient tongues, Niagara Falls also means “Land of Perpetual Tonight (Show)”, “Land of Late-Night Talk”, and Land of Tax Incentives”. (Granted that last one will appeal only to NBC’s number-crunching monkeys, but it’s still worth mentioning.)

2)  Niagara Falls has plenty of water. You know, for pouring on guests? Just sayin’…

3)  We’re not above going viral for you, Jimmy. Literally, if necessary. But before it comes to that…

 4)  The water in Niagara Falls is said to have remarkable healing properties. Why else would thousands of American college students visit here every weekend, consume copious amounts of Canadian beer and then down bottles of Canadian water as quickly as possible on Sunday morning? It’s not in a desperate attempt to regain their sobriety, I can tell you that much.

5)  Niagara Falls has the largest vampire population in North America. People always assume New Jersey would hold that record, but no, it’s Niagara. 

6)  Our mayor, Jim Diodati, was the original principal on “Saved By The Bell” but the other cast members rallied together and had him ousted. Mark-Paul Gosselaar was afraid of being upstaged. Hollywood’s so political…

7)  Niagara Falls is in Canada. William Shatner is Canadian. Need I say more?

8)  Niagara Falls is a city of underdogs. Its true. Niagara has been taking a beating in the media lately. I mean, the media knocks us around more than Bruce Jenner these days. And since everyone loves the underdog…

9)  Niagara Falls was the birthplace of your best pal, Drew Barrymore. Technically, her actual body was delivered in Culver City, California, but spiritually, she was born in Niagara Falls. (To all of you Poindexters out there; you won’t find these facts in any so-called “books” or the interweb, but that doesn’t make them any less possible.)

10)  Lorne Michaels, is Canadian. You owe him. Do I really need to keep spelling it out for you, Jimmy?

11)  Barry Gibb once declared his deep affection for Niagara Falls in a little tune called “How Deep Is Your Love For Niagara Falls”. Record company weasels felt the title was a little long so it was shortened. You won’t find that fact in a Bee Gees bio, Jimmy.

12)  History tells us Troll dolls were originally created in 1959 by Danish fisherman and woodcutter Thomas Dam, but what historians fail to mention is that Dam visited Niagara Falls right before carving the first doll for his daughter. Coincidence? I think not.

13)  The citizens of Niagara Falls often gather in dimly-lit factories after hours to discuss modern films. These groups have all reached a consensus: the decision to cut a young actor named Jimmy Fallon’s single line in the film Father’s Day was the single greatest blunder in cinematic history.

14)  More children were conceived in Niagara Falls after 11:30 pm on Saturday nights between the years 1998 to 2004 than any other period. (Condom sales took a beating.) Coincidence? Yeah, right. Still not convinced, Jimmy? Consider this next fact…

15)  Female citizens of Niagara Falls will immediately ovulate when they hear the name “Jimmy Fallon”, regardless of where they are in their menstrual cycle.

16)  Canadian beer has mystical properties. Even Carson Daly is less of a tool when he drinks Canadian alcohol.

17)  “Late Night Snack” ice cream is the preferred dessert of Niagara Falls citizens, who are fed the tasty treat (which doesn’t taste like fecal matter at all), in the womb. Or so I’ve heard. I think.

18)  Niagara Falls audiences truly are the greatest on the planet and the raw power generated by their raucous laughter can be harnessed and used to replace all conventional forms of energy. Unfortunately, hydro companies have buried this truth for decades. Just imagine what an industrious late-night talk-show host/comic could do with such power, Jimmy. Colbert would be quaking in his hipster loafers…

That’s all I have for you today, Jimmy. My wife always tells me not to overstay my welcome (of course, we’re in the bedroom at the time, but this wosdom applies to many situations), and so I bid you good day for now.

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I Know You’re Busy Watching Football, But If You Have A Minute…

I’ve seen it all today.

Psychotic strippers-turned-escorts.

Maniacal rugrats on sugar-fueled rampages across the lobby landscape.

The biggest, meanest, bully I’ve ever encountered in seventeen years in the hospitality trenches.

A colleague who bent over like a two-dollar hooker for said bully by giving him his own luggage cart. (In his defense, my colleague just wanted to defuse the situation, but he lost more than one cart for a few minutes. The jackass in question will be back now that he’s seen how easily Niagara Falls bellmen fold.)

As many of you know and will attest to, I’m a pretty linear guy. I don’t have many secrets (not anymore, at least), or an agenda. I’ve tried to live my life by a simple set of rules; this is especially true of my professional life. So to say this angry jackass got under my skin is like saying Marshawn Terrell Lynch has had some minor disagreements with the press.

This guest infuriated me. I’ve suffered unimaginable horror at the hands of bullies in the past. This guest’s behavior struck such a deep chord with me that I didn’t stop vibrating inside (in a bad way) from ten in the morning until two in the afternoon. I have one rule that applies to both my worlds:

Never, ever, ever, ever give into bullies.

And my colleague violated that rule for me.

But the moment has passed. The damage has been done. The reverberations will be felt for some time but you can’t live in the past and survive long enough to enjoy the future. So let’s look at another moment that has come and gone today, a moment in which I was the coolest I’ll probably ever be.

He was a trippy-dippy, New Age hippie who bore more than passing resemblance to this guy…

And when our paths crossed he may have been riding a chemical-induced wave, or he had smoked some really powerful weed, or he may even have enjoyed a drink or ten, but either way, he was waxing philosophical… and I was to be his student.

Whether I liked it or not.

FAUST GUEST:  There are two types of people in this world, Robert. The hunters and the hunted. Which are you?

Unfortunately for my “mentor”, I was in no mood to be lectured to.

ME:  Neither, I’m afraid. I am a chronicler of both the predator and prey. I’m something all-together different.

(Dramatic pause worthy of a feature film.)

GUEST:  What are you, mate?

ME:  I’m The Hook.

To attempt to follow this would be folly, so I’ll see you in the lobby, kiddies…

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

An Open Letter To Shaun Majumder.

Mr. Majumder,

You’re a world-class comic and not a psychic, but surely you realize what this post is all about, right?

Your “This Beautiful Country” segment on this week’s This Hour Has 22 Minutes has not won you any new fans in my hometown.

“Niagara Falls is such a beautiful, beautiful landmark, surrounded by the grossest, grossest city,”

Nice.

But wait, there’s more!

“I was in the souvenir shop the other day … and I saw this sweatshirt and it had a bear and a moose on it and it said Niagara Falls.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bear or a moose in Niagara Falls, I’ve seen some cougars,”

“If you want to do a T-shirt or a sweatshirt, here’s what you should put on it: You should have an old lady in a wheelchair, not because she’s disabled … and she’s just pouring all of her money into a slot machine just crying her little eyes out.

“Niagara Falls, It’s more accurate.”

To be accurate, Mr. Majumder, you performed at Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort during a comedy show in 2013. I’m guessing you weren’t paid in T-shirts or sweatshirts? Our money was good enough for you but that’s where you draw the line, apparently.

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When I first watched your segment I thought, “I used to love this guy’s work but now I hate him as much as Rob Ford hates to tell the truth.”

Then I remembered a few things:

  • You’re a comedian. A very good one with a good heart.
  • You were born in Burlington, Newfoundland and Labrador, and raised by a European-Canadian mother from Newfoundland and a Bengali Hindu Indian father, both of whom appear to have done a bang-up job.
  • CBC believes in you and I love the CBC. In fact, anyone who has been fortunate enough to find themselves working with the CBC is my hero.
  • Its your job to poke fun at the world around you.
  • Comedy can be biting.

And so I looked at your segment with objective eyes and you know what?

I still hate you.

Not “hate” like a Kardashian hates TMZ, but “hate” like a cat hates water or hairballs. Your segment was lazy and infantile, Mr. Majumder. I know these words hurt, considering they’re coming from a blogger, but you’ve been a working comic for years, you can take it.

Were your words entirely false?

Of course not! You won’t see a bear or a moose in Niagara Falls but as you pointed out, there are plenty of cougars. We’d put them on T-shirts but they move too fast while hunting; no one can get an accurate description of them for an artist to recreate.

Is Niagara Falls home to more toothless individuals than a carnival? Absolutely! But that’s only because many people are too busy watching CBC programming like This Hour Has 22 Minutes to stop and tend to their oral health.

Does Niagara play host to millions of casino-going seniors who occasionally use wheelchairs even if they don’t truly need them? Do these same seniors cry and even wet themselves on occasion? Sure! But they’d do that anyway, regardless of where they were.

Does our mayor bay at the full moon while covered in move popcorn butter? I have no idea, but anything’s possible.

Is the city of Niagara Falls gross at times? You work in Toronto, right, Mr. Majumder?

You do realize every single metropolis on the planet has its gross side, right? You can’t build and maintain a city to equal the majesty of the Falls unless you remove/slaughter every living thing in the vicinity and frankly, as Canadians we’re too nice to do that.

The citizens of Niagara Falls are no different than the citizens of any city, Mr. Majumder. We enjoy hockey, ridiculously copious amounts of beer (in moderation), eye-straining amounts of television, bashing the Leafs, illegal gerbil fighting rings, considering cheating on our taxes (but never dong so), pizza, Tim Hortons coffee, dark magic, you know, the staples of Canadian society.

But what we will no longer abide is individuals such as yourself who mock us in order to meet a CBC-mandated laugh quota.

To clarify, I’m still a fan, Mr. Majumder. I just wish you’d save the knives for targets that truly deserve them. Like the government, Justin Bieber, the Kardashians, Target Canada, people who shame their pets online, the fallout from the Timmies/Burger King merger, the Fords, Hollywood and cats.

Tell you what, Mr. Majumder, come to Niagara Falls and Mayor Jim Diodati and myself will take you out on the town. We’ll even spring for bail when things inevitably go off the rails.

What do you say?

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Let’s Talk.

Never mind cowardly, impotent terrorists or overrated, ungrateful celebrities, the buzz this week is all about mental health.

Mental health. Those two seemingly-harmless words evoke all sorts of images, don’t they? A group of sad sacks gathered for a therapy session. A trembling hand reaching for a bottle of pills – or a glass of liquor. A figure huddled in a corner of a stark white padded room. This is how the world-at-large feels about mental health issues. 

But the truth is, every single one of us is at risk when it comes to the state of our mental health.

We work harder then ever before – for a smaller reward. (Most of us anyway.) We spend far too much time worshiping/envying the rich, as though monetary wealth and fame are the key to true happiness. Society tells us we deserve everything and if we don’t get it? Well, we should consider ourselves doomed to perpetual unhappiness.

So what do we do?

Well, most of us ignore our fears and insecurities while others swing in the other direction and are consumed by them.

The solution? How the hell should I know? I carry luggage for a living. Personally, I think the answer lies in the simplicity of Bell Canada’s “Let’s Talk” campaign currently unfolding on social media.

Pain shared is pain halved. Period. Then again, we’ve already established the power of the stigma of the words “mental health”, so again, what do we do?

We move past the stigma, just as we would any obstacle in the path of our happiness. Easy for me to say, right?

Fine, I’ll go first.

My name is Robert. (You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.) I’m a forty-something, Canadian white guy. I’m a smart-ass bellman working in the city of Niagara Falls. Scratch that, I’m THE smart-ass bellman working in the city of Niagara Falls.

I am also a rape survivor. (I hate the sanitized, civilized nature of the term”sexual assault”. Why do we use “clean” words to describe savage acts?)

It happened when I was a boy and in the time since that fateful afternoon, I’ve allowed the details to blur in my memory. I remember the knife against my throat, the sweat on my face, my fingers reaching through the long grass and into the dirt of an open field behind our house. As for the pain, I severed that connection years ago; its buried in some dark sub-basement of my memory, and that’s where it will remain. I refuse to be haunted by the past, though it creeps up through the layers of protection I’ve placed above it from time to time. I’m only mentioning  it now because I feel stronger about the Let’s Talk campaign than I have about anything in a long time.

My secret? She’s standing a few feet away from me as I scribble this post into a notebook, preparing dinner, while Murdoch Mysteries unfolds on a small television in the background. Our daughter is safely ensconced in her room, devouring season two of Saving Hope. They are my secret. They are my salvation.

Do I believe in therapy or pharmaceuticals? Yes and no. Therapy can move mountains of pain but only if one is wiling to surrender fully to the process. As for medication, I have a loved one who has become addicted to prescription medication, thus eradicating my objectivity, but I’m willing to acknowledge the power of pharmaceuticals in the battle for one’s sanity.

That’s all I have to offer. Now it’s your turn. I’m not suggesting you bear your soul as I have. (Truth be told, my stomach is in knots. I’ve shared this truth once before on my blog but never so plainly. I’m actually afraid to hit the “publish” button.) The important thing when it comes to mental health is to share your fears, anxieties or horrors. Doing so will lessen their hold on your soul.

And if you don’t have anything to share. First off, that’s great! Secondly, don’t underestimate the value of being someone’s rock. You don’t have to become an instant psychological expert, just be a steadfast friend. The darkness only holds sway over us because of our innate fear of the unknown. But when we recognize and share our demons the light begins to pour in and suddenly the dark isn’t so terrifying anymore.

I stopped being afraid of the dark long ago but only because I was willing to acknowledge exactly what was waiting for me in its depths.

The rest is up to you.

Reach out as an individual and become part of a community. Let’s stop being silent on the issue of mental health.

Let’s do away with the stigma.

Let’s talk.

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , , | 69 Comments

“Who is The Hook, Really?”: Part One of Infinity.

My friends, acolytes, worshipers, creditors, stalkers, cats who can read, and Ned Hickson,

To suggest my focus has been divided lately is to suggest Justin Bieber has been “acting out”. The truth is, I’ve been trying to craft Book Two into something a publisher would look at for a nanosecond rather than chuck like an old, dried-up milking cow, while writing posts to draw Jimmy Fallon to Niagara Falls, while writing a pitch worthy of the CBC, while trying to support my family, while…

I’m knackered.

I think its time for a little self-evaluation, don’t you? You don’t agree? Listen here, I’ve had just about all the sass I’m going to take from you. I wanted to avoid this but here we go; you’ve grown too big for those britches and now it’s time throw down.

What’s that? I misheard you? I have been meaning to get my auditory canals flushed out but who has the time? Let’s never fight again, all right? I’m so glad we cleared that up.

Now then, let’s get back to a subject I’m only beginning to get a handle on… me. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to “handle” myself. In fact, the stories I could tell you; there was a two-week period in high school when I couldn’t even grip a pencil…

But I digress.

So who am I?

Translated into a tongue older than Chuck Norris, “Robert Hookey” means “He who fails at virtually every quest he undertakes but is funny as hell to observe as he does so.” Okay, so it’s a muddled translation. Like Sumerian. Or Khloe Kardashian’s parentage. Let’s move on.

My childhood in St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada, was nothing to write home about – but that’s only because I never actually left home. Otherwise, I had many adventures, most of them involving ill-fated attempts to attract the opposite sex while attempting to uncover portals to distant, mystical lands such as Oz or New Jersey. I also spent a great deal of my formative years trying to avoid being mauled by wild animals such as dogs, possums and oxen. This allowed me to become quite the little speedster, a quality which has served me well in my current career as the most outspoken bellman in the entire sprawling metropolis of Niagara Falls.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. What do you know? It doesn’t just happen in the bedroom. Moving on…

After surviving my childhood and all the joy/despair/unspeakable tragedy it brought with it, I dove into high school – but thankfully, not the toilets – and all the rejection, self-discovery, and lonely nights it brought with it. After high school came some time away from my education and more adventures that left me feeling less than confident about my chances of not dying a virgin.

Then I went to college and everything changed. I became a man who quickly accepted and even embraced his role as the Universe’s bitch.

I won the heart of my on-again-off-again love.

I became a husband.

A father.

A bellman. But not just any bellman; a combination of luck, stubbornness, moxie, blind courage, and a hex from an ex-girlfriend or two (Kennedy women hold grudges, trust me), combined to form the personality known the world over as The Hook.

And now?

Now I wear many hats – and not just because my hairline has receded faster than Kim Kardashian’s dignity. I am a husband, father, blogging bellman, failed author, the worst DIYer in recorded history, compulsive tweeter, failed pitcher, dreamer, mocker of celebrities, and above all, a work-in-progress.

 My dog sees ghosts that hover on the ceilings above our front foyer and living room. (Yes, a working-class bellman can have a foyer. Shut up.) These apparitions appear to be benevolent in nature and so we haven’t taken steps to remove them, even though they, like my dog, refuse to pay rent or chip in for groceries.

 My daughter is a creative genius whom the world has yet to recognize. Her day will come and the world better watch out; its not going to know what hit it. I just hope she breaks through soon; her old man is getting tired of working for a living.

I have collected comic books ever since I escaped from that prison society refers to as a “womb” and while my collection has varied in size over the years, it currently stands at two thousand strong. Unfortunately, years of reading comics did not result in increased strength or invulnerability and so I suffered a tibial plateau fracture after an ill-fated foray into the DIY world which forced me to sit out the Summer of 2014, a circumstance that is akin to a lifetime in Hell for a bellman, both financially and physiologically. I no longer DIY or collect comics.

I hunt – but only for comic books. I miss the days when comic conventions were exclusively devoted to those four-color periodicals. Those were good days, filled with wall-to-wall vintage and new comics, drunken artists and writers, the odd celebrity, scantily clad women whose services were paid for by nerds who saved their allowance all year long, classic toys, and of course, many, many brawls.

Oh, how I miss the pure adrenalin rush of  thousands of geeks locked in literal Mortal Kombat. Those days are long gone ( thank you, bleeding heart activists), but here are a few tips I discovered over the years that will prove invaluable if you ever find yourself in a comic convention donnybrook.

ONE:  Keep a powerful flashlight handy. Many nerds are accustomed to the low lighting of their parents’ basement and can be scared away by a strong burst of light. 

TWO:  Never mind a light saber, always carry a “foam” battle ax when attending a con. Light sabers tend to bend after they’ve come in contact with a few geeky skulls. I called mine Eric the Red, because once Eric was unleashed, the convention walls and floor were soon covered in blood.

THREE:  Scream. A lot. Scream like a Kardashian in a Senate hearing. Nerds are a cowardly and superstitious lot and therefore frighten easily. Start shrieking and they’ll run away instantly and you can strike from behind, Geneva Convention be damned!

FOUR:  Throw a pile of girlie magazines into the battling crowd. The poindexters will turn their attention to the adult publications, providing you with a perfect opening. Fish in a barrel.

FIVE:  Yell, “Look, there’s Batfleck!”, and point to an individual who resembles Ben Affleck. The assembled crowd will pounce on that poor bastard like Katie Couric at a Las Vegas buffet. This should provide you with enough time to get to safety.

And that, my friends, concludes this installment of my life so far. Introducing too much Hook into a human nervous system can result in many side effects such as headaches, sonic diarrhea, hives, hallucinations, an erection lasting longer than four hours (whether you have a penis or not), and an uncontrollable desire to shed your clothes and run wild through the streets in search of government-grade cheese.

Until next time, see you in the lobby, kids…

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Jimmy Fallon In Niagara Falls: Pros and Cons.

My one-bellman campaign to draw Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show to Niagara Falls continues…

Dear Jimmy,

I know you’re a fan of the Pros and Cons form of listing, so without further adieu, let’s examine the Pros and Cons of bringing your show to my hometown of Niagara Falls.

PRO:  You’d be in Canada.

CON:  You’d be in Canada.

(My fellow Canadians may be cursing me right now, but I know how some Americans feel about the Great White North. It’s okay, though, we made our peace with our image years ago, right, folks? Besides, we’re to busy drinking beer and watching hockey while consuming copious amounts of back bacon to care.)

PRO:  The American dollar is gaining strength globally once again, so the whole deal would only cost NBC execs less than it takes to gas up their limos. They could score ten acres of prime Niagara Falls real estate, eight pounds of Canadian bacon and one hundred cases of lager for less than a single visit to Chevron.

CON:  NBC would only get Canadian dollars back for all their purchases.

PRO:  Canadian laws are so lax you wouldn’t have to worry about major repercussions if any crew members get out of hand. They could do pretty much anything and all they’d get is a slap on the wrist.

CON:  That slap on the wrist is done with a beaver tail, which leaves a nasty welt.

PRO:  Niagara Falls doesn’t have the same quality of local color one would find in a bustling metropolis like New York, but our hookers provide patrons with one liter of maple syrup and a beaver tail with every purchase.

CON:  Canadian hookers are so nice, their naughty talk leaves something to be desired. For example: “Oh baby, your hockey stick is the smoothest and most well-crafted piece of fiberglass I’ve ever seen!” But they mean well, God bless their disease-riddled hearts.

PRO:  The waters of the mighty Falls are so rich in nutrients, proteins and unidentifiable elements that a man can live off them for a month without requiring a bite of food. Don’t laugh, they’ve conducted clinical trials. The participants would tell you themselves, had any of them lived.

CON:  There are so many fine dining establishments in Niagara, all of them staffed by large-chested, nubile women who believe in an enlightened form of morality, you won’t be able to resist the desire to eat. But the mystical waters of Niagara will be in your system for years to come, nonetheless.

PRO:  Canadians are so filled with joy brought on by powerful magnetic fields that we’ll laugh at anything, making Niagara Falls the ideal destination for a talk-show host to ply his trade.

CON:  A comic can never be certain if his material is genuinely amusing or if the audience is slowly degrading into madness brought on by powerful magnetic fields, but either way, Canadian audiences rule.

PRO:  Visit Niagara Falls, Jimmy, and you’ll see this face in person.

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CON:  I cannot guarantee you won’t see this face in person…

You never know where that guy’s going to show up…

 PRO:  Marilyn Monroe once filmed a movie in Niagara Falls.

CON:  She’s dead.

PRO:  Justin Bieber once visited Niagara Falls.

CON:  Justin Bieber once visited Niagara Falls.

PRO:  Some of mankind’s most significant achievements and moments took place in Niagara Falls. Among them:

  • The invention of the flying car, powered totally by beaver sweat.
  • A coupling between the love-crossed duo of Burt Reynolds and Martha Stewart, which resulted in the birth of America’s sweetheart, Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • The creation of the ultimate aphrodisiac, the Hot Pocket.
  • Sir Richard the Lion Heart’s pitched battle with the hydra.
  • The perfection of a food Canadians begin consuming from the moment they leap out of the womb, macaroni and cheese, eh?
  • A gene-splicing trial that unleashed the Kardashians on an unsuspecting world.
  • The discovery of radium.

CON:  As is often the case, history has recorded these events incorrectly. And of course, the flying car was confiscated and eradicated from history by jealous North American automakers, oil conglomerates and beaver haters. Canadians, being Canadians, were too nice to correct historians.

PRO:  After a few days here, Jimmy, you’ll taste like Canada.

CON:  Canada tastes like America, but not as powerful.

PRO:  Niagara Falls is home to some of the most decent, positive, hilarious, enlightening and just plain wonderful souls on Earth.

CON:  These folks are boring. Fortunately, we’re visited by millions of travelers, many of whom are looking at crazy in the rear-view mirror. In fact, I’m just going to say it, some of these folks make rock stars look like Mormons. (Visit my hometown, Jimmy, and I’ll let you job-shadow me for a day. You’ll have enough material to write a year’s worth of monologues.)

We’re also home to individuals like Mayor Jim Diodati, a man who would give a kidney to one of his constituents if they signed a contract guaranteeing their vote in the next election. Wouldn’t be his kidney, but still…

And on that enlightening note, Jimmy, I shall leave you once again. Feel free to return to your life as America’s favorite talk show host that isn’t Stephen Colbert.

Good day, sir.

MY LOYAL AND KICK-ASS FOLLOWERS:

You know the drill by now; I pledge my loyalty, friendship and whatever organs I can spare if you need them. In return, I ask that you share this piece of blogging “brilliance” with the world via Twitter, the Facebook, carrier pigeon, smoke signals or telepathy, you choose the method. I love you all as much as I am legally allowed to.

See you in the lobby, kids…

Posted in Hotel Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments

Top Eleven Reasons Why Jimmy Fallon Should Visit Niagara Falls.

Dear, Jimmy,

My name is Robert Hookey. (You can call me The Hook, everyone else does. Sadly, I am not a pirate; I’m a Niagara Falls bellman with both hands.) I know you’re busy hosting the best damn talk show in boob tube history, not to mention pondering life’s really big questions, like, “What did the world ever do to deserve the plague known as the Kardashians?”, so I’ll get right to the point.

I’m a nobody. I have a nobody job (bellmen are practically invisible to most guests). I make nobody money (when my daughter was eight she wanted a pony for her birthday; I couldn’t even afford to give her a ponytail). But now I have an opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself. And there’s nothing bigger than Niagara Falls. The citizenry of my fair city want to invite you to bring The Tonight Show here, Jimmy, and I’m willing to humiliate myself in any manner you deem fit in order to make that happen. It’s that simple: Issue me a challenge and I’ll answer it.

In the meantime, here are eleven reasons you should visit our little portion of Canadian Heaven on Earth, Jimmy. (You get eleven reasons so Dave Letterman and CBS don’t unleash their army of bloodsucking legal vampires on me.)

11)  Who wouldn’t want to visit a place where a man can use the word “beaver” without being slapped?

10)  Your viewers will love to see both sides of Niagara Falls. American comics can say anything to Canadians and we never get upset. We’re the little cousins you put in a headlock and humiliate every year at a family reunion.

9)  Canada is working hard to shake our image as a scandal-less country of goody-goods. We have that monkey-abandoning, egg-chucking, Selena Gomez-dumping twerp Justin Bieber, former Toronto mayor and one-man-train-wreck Rob Ford, and that ex-radio host (the one who pissed off the guy from Sling Blade), who is now making Bill Cosby look good, to thank for that.

Today’s Canada is a gift to talk-show hosts, Jimmy. You’re welcome.

8)  I can promise you sex. Not with me, of course. No offense intended; you’re a handsome man, but you’re no Barry Gibb. No, what is I mean is, the waters of Niagara Falls can make a man more virile and potent than Ross Perot. No lie. They’ve done studies. One night here, Jimmy, and Mrs. Tonight Show will be glued to your belt like a piece of meat on Lady Gaga.

7)  Translated, Niagara Falls means “Land of Fallon”. Granted, its a loose French-Canadian translation. Okay, I made that up, but if you bring your show here, Jimmy, we’ll make it happen. Just don’t quote me on that.

6)  Our mayor, the Honorable Jim Diodati, is more fun to hang out with than any politician you’ll ever encounter. Imagine if Wayne Brady, Rick James and Martha Stewart somehow conceived a child together. That child would be a grade A downer compared to Jim Diodati, a man who spends his nights taking on drunken howler monkeys in illegal fight clubs in dimly-lit bars throughout the city. 19bb0-niagara_falls_mayor_jim_diodati

(Incidentally, you’ve heard the term “creative license”, right? Because I haven’t and I was hoping you could explain it to me.)

5)  Come to Niagara Falls and my wife will serve you dinner. The wife dials a mean phone for take-out…

4)  I’m a married, towering, balding, mostly lanky, white, Canadian male in his forties who bruises easily, Jimmy. Viewers will love to see me humiliated.

3)  You’d be following in the steps of Regis Philbin, Jimmy. Of course, Regis is a tough act to follow; his sheer animal magnetism actually turned back the thundering waters of the Falls for one brief moment in time. But I’m sure you’d do a bang-up job, too.

2)  No one appears interested in helping me reach you via social media. That makes me a rebel. Like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. And I know how you feel about Bacon, Jimmy…

And finally, Mr Fallon, the number one reason you should visit my hometown?

1)  Who could resist this face?

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Chelsea and I will see you soon, Jimmy.

My Friends and Readers:

I know you all have busy, frantic lives filled with work, interpersonal relationships, illegal cock fights, plans to conquer the world and a myriad of pressures and adventures, but I could use your help. Again. On the upside, I’m not asking for bail money. Again.

If you could post this piece of literary gold on Facebook, retweet it, or send it directly to The Tonight Show via electronic message, skywriting or candy-gram, I’d be forever grateful. That’s a $25 dollar value, bitches.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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