Like my high school girlfriend told me when I announced my plans to move to Los Angeles and star in a series of adult films titled, “You’ve Been Hooked!”… it’s time to get real.
I’ve been horribly blocked for some time now – and not just internally. (IBS rules!) And so this post is a lame attempt to write… that’s it… I’m just going to write and see where we wind up. Let’s look at the news, among other topics, shall we?
How do I feel about ongoing renovations in the hotel?
Truth time, friends: the only thing worse than staying in a hotel under renovations is working in a hotel under renovations. It’s a major pain in the backside. Between the longer elevator wait times, ignorant construction workers with zero clue how to interact with guests, and the new, ridiculously-complicated paths I have to navigate just to get into the building, my nerves are as fried as my home and native land is going to be after Justin Trudeau legalizes marijuana later this year.
But the worst part of these changes are all the Management bodies that keep coming around to check things out. You see, friends, front of the house hotel employees such as myself do things our own way (I certainly do) and so we prefer to stay away from big wigs and upper-tier managers for fear of what they’ll uncover or say. (Not that there’s anything going on. *Cough*.) It’s just like how you feel when you’re driving and you see a cop in your rear-view mirror.
Yep, it’s just like this.
The stock market has dropped faster and deeper than my heart when my wife tells me we’re having spaghetti for dinner.
The Dow Jones industrial average plunged more than 1,100 points yesterday as stocks took their worst loss in six and a half years. Two days of steep losses have erased the market’s gains from the start of this year and ended a period of record-setting calm for stocks. This is according to the poindexters in charge of these things.
Now I’m the first to admit that I don’t understand these things but here are my tips for handling this situation.
ONE) Don’t panic! I’m sure the slammer helps, right? But seriously, there are so many other things about your life that are fucked up that this isn’t even worth your time.
TWO) Buy, buy, buy! Break open that piggy bank and purchase some stocks while they’re in the crapper. That way, you’ll be laughing when the market inevitably course corrects.
THREE) Just do what the stock guys do: call your dealer, your mistress or your local liquor store to see how soon they can send over whatever you need to get you through this mess.
FOUR) Relax! This only happened because I just got into the stock market. Everything will be fine once Mistress Fate gets tired of screwing me.
An Old Navy store reopened Thursday after a temporary closure that came after a, African-American customer alleged he had been racially profiled.
Yes, that may have been inappropriate, but the whole world’s gone mad anyway so my dark humor is entirely justified.
More than 1,200 Winter Olympics security workers have been pulled off duty after dozens were stricken with a vomiting illness; military personnel called in for backup.
Later Tuesday evening, the organizing committee in South Korea said thirty-two cases of Norovirus had been confirmed and those people were quarantined after being treated. Those thirty-two cases involve twenty-one private security staff members from the Horeb Youth Center and eleven people from other locations, including three foreigners.
I told them not to serve those breakfast sausages Kim Jong-un sent over…
Yes, I said duty. Grow up.
U.S. cities dominate the world’s top 10 most traffic-congested urban areas, with L.A. in the lead with the most soul-crushing and environmentally-damaging gridlock, according to traffic analytics firm INRIX.
But President Trump has assured Americans he has everything under control as he rolled out plans for his solution to this crisis:
The man’s a genius.
This Is Us finally let the cat out of the bag with the big reveal about Jack’s death in a post-Super Bowl episode.
Okay, so I’ve never seen this show because I cry at pretty much everything these days, so this show would make me fellate a shotgun, so I’m out. But apparently Milo Ventimiglia’s character survived a major blaze at the family homestead after saving his entire clan, the dog, and several precious mementos… only to die of smoke inhalation afterwards in the hospital.
Can you say anti-climactic, kids?
And so as I often tell the wife, that’s all I got.. so I hope it was enough.
See you in the lobby, kids…