5×5 With The Hook: Ajay Fry.

According to Wikipedia (“Your source for details some idiot with an internet connection considers facts!”) Ajay Fry is a Canadian comedian, TV personality and producer who grew up in Ottawa, Ontario, best known as host on the official Orphan Black after show,  After the Black, on BBC America, and the Canadian daily entertainment talk show InnerSpace on Space (2008–present).

9942331_00That barely scratches the surface of the complex human machine/organism known throughout the Multiverse as Ajay Fry, kiddies.

Like his partner-in-televised-crime, Teddy Wilson, Ajay is a delightful manchild whose passion for his chosen career is apparent in everything in he does. Seriously, the guy’s a prototypical nerd, completely plugged into all things pop culture. But simultaneously, he is an old school gentleman in the truest sense of the term, one who believes in charity.

Why else would he agree to appear on my blog, right?

And he loves bow ties, which, as everyone knows, are cool.

But let’s get back to the Fry Guy’s bio, shall we? (Incidentally, I can’t see “Fry Guy” taking off, but hopefully it’ll make today’s victim subject chuckle. I hope.)

This ultra-cool dude was first introduced to audiences on the Canuck kid’s TV network, YTV, hosting the Saturday morning block CRUNCH. (By the way, that’s a great name for a programming block you can enjoy on Saturday morning with a bowl of cereal, right?) After two years of rotting kid’s brains with “quality educational programming (yeah, Ajay’s gonna beat me up) he blasted off to Space (the network, not the actual cosmos) where he’s been in orbit ever since.

Along the way he’s made appearances in the web-series, Captain Canuck and Guidestones as well as a cameo on the Space original series centered on a young heroine who is given super powers by a radioactive mosquito, Bitten.

(Is he kidding? You never know, do you? Trust me, it gets worse.)

 Abandoned by his parents in the mailroom of a major television network, Ajay grew up “in the business” as an indentured servant child actor and appeared on Big Wolf on Campus, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Lassie (but not as Lassie), and Undressed (I’m assuming that one got shut down by the RCMP) while lending his voice to the cartoons Little LuLu, Arthur and many more.

Days after his 18th birthday (a bash that left five Vegas hotels completely obliterated)  he fled, I mean flew, to Beijing to voice the main characters in a series of English language educational videos. In a single month he logged more than two hundred hours in studio and provided a variety of unique character voices. And now millions of denizens of the Pacific Rim know how to curse in Canadian…

 In recent news, Ajay just launched his YouTube series, 5 on Fry. The series is a virtual platform for Ajay to speak his mind on five topics of interest (to him at least). TV series, movies, games or current affairs, if it’s popular, Ajay’s got something to say about it – whether we like it or not.

In his downtime – of which he has very little – Ajay likes to game and if you’ve ever seen him at a convention you know he loves to run around like a big kid, totally captivated by the wonders of pop culture. And he married his soulmate recently! And she’s a fox! His wife actually loved his one and only pick-up line: “Hey, baby… wanna get Fryed?”

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A recent tweet I… tweeted, pretty much sums up how I feel about Ajay and his InnerSpace cohorts:

And now… on with the show!

ONE)  If you could live in one video game reality, which would you choose?

Just one?! Aww man.

My first thought would be the Mushroom Kingdom just because it’s so pretty.

But honestly I feel like I’d quickly get bored of jumping on Goomba’s heads and chasing mushrooms all over the place. The games I play most often are all way to violent to want to ‘live’ in. So I think I’ll pass on any of the locals in OverWatch. MineCraft is another option that comes to mind, but there’s no way I’d choose to live in a world where Creepers exist. No, I’ll have to go with MeeLee Island. That’s the setting for the original Monkey Island adventure game from 1990.

I’ve always wanted to play the games protagonist GuyBrush Threepwood in the film adaptation so if that opportunity never presents itself I suppose living in the world of Monkey Island wouldn’t be too bad.

The music from the game always makes me smile:

breakTWO)  As a newlywed, what rookie mistakes have you made so far? 

(Don’t think me cruel, folks; as a rookie husband myself once upon a time, I can’t help but be curious. Plus, I’m kind of a dick.)

I lost my ring. It was about three weeks in. I thought it was at my desk at work. Then I thought it was on my desk at home. Turns out it was somewhere never to be found. Fortunately, while wedding ring shopping I convinced my wife that I should buy the cheapest ring available because I’d likely lose it. I replaced it with a much nicer ring that is currently on my desk at home.

I think.

(Don’t feel too bad, Ajay. I’ve lost more than one ring. Heck, I don’t even wear one now, that’s how often it’s happened.)

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THREE)  All of time and space, where do you go first for a really good meal?

Anywhere that my wife is cooking. (I’m still trying to recover from losing my wedding ring so I’m buying brownie points wherever I can.)

But seriously, she’s an amazing cook. I often lament how many cook books she’s cluttered our bookshelf with. (Seriously, do we need 7 different books on how to cook fish?!)

But whenever she puts effort into a meal the results are simply mind blowing. Also, this way I could take my wife with me anywhere in time & space.

(#BestHubbyEver)

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FOUR)  Cats: threat or menace?

Both. Did you write this question knowing I have an allergy?!

(Trust me, Ajay, you don’t want to know what I know.)

Seriously though, cats & I have never really gotten along. I mean, I like cute cat photos and memes as much as the next guy… but keep ‘em away from me.

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FIVE)  If you could be Batman would you finally kill the Joker or would you let him keep escaping so he can rack up a higher death count?

If I was ever in a position where I could be Batman I’d suggest to the powers that brought about this amazing new reality to instead make me the Joker. Don’t great me wrong, Batman is great and all, but the Joker is the Clown Prince of Crime. Even just in title he sounds like he has way more fun than “The Dark Knight.” Boring.

I’d rather spend my time planning an epic act of chaotic civil disobedience than spend my time alone in a dark cave waiting for the guy who has all the fun to make his move.

Batman? No thanks. I’ll take the Joker for $800, Alex. Hah. Ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

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Okay… so it looks like “madcap” is definitely the right word for Ajay, friends. Of course, based on his last answer, a few others might apply as well, but I’m too nice to use any of those…

And besides, Ajay is a good, farm-fresh Canadian egg in every respect. Honestly, the guy’s ridiculously-cool and I can never thank him enough for being here and I can never express my deep sense of gratitude to Natalie Cole of Bell Media for helping me out as she has on many occasions. So I won’t.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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10 Things In 10 Days: Zero Day.

This is it, kids, the end has come.

Enjoy. Again, my apologies for the change, but as I’ve had to tell the wife before… I swear my intentions were good, but I just wasn’t up to the task. And now, on with the “bonus” post!

I’ll say it again: elevators really are wondrous places where anything can happen.

Especially in Niagara Falls, Canada, at the height of summer.

Picture if you’d be so kind, a statuesque lady with black-as-coal hair-but-ultra-white-flesh. She’s rail thin, in her Twenties and has eyes so deep set, they appear to be two miniature black holes. She has a Jokeresque grin etched on her face and an attitude to match, as she displayed when she walked onto a crowded elevator and spotted The Hook in his little bellman’s uniform.

137396-Sexy-Female-Joker-Costume

Okay, so this is not an accurate rendering of what I was dealing with… but who cares?

Did I mention her leopard-print outfit that was so tight and high-cut it defied reason? Seriously, if she had even coughed and bent over slightly, her vajayjay would have been on full display.

RAVEN:  (Hey, it’s as good a name as any, right?)  Look at you in your little bellboy’s uniform!

Of course, the entire population of the elevator (one black family and one Asian clan) giggled as we stopped at various floors and disappointed dozens of guests who soon discovered there was no room at the inn, I mean elevator.

ME:  Why, thank you, miss.

RAVEN:  Mind you, I’d never wear anything that ugly! You look like a retarded waiter in that drab, grey thing! No offense… but you really look bad! Like nasty bad! Again, no offense, but how do you come to work everyday and face the public in that thing?

Again, her female companion (a small blonde waif) and the entire elevator yukked it up at my expense. Now, after so many years in the hospitality trenches I have a pretty thick skin… but enough was enough.

ME:  No offense taken, miss. Now I have a query for you… when you crossed the border into Canada, did they ask you if your dress was up-to-date on its shots?

As I’d hoped, everyone turned on Raven and broke up in raucous laughter.

But she wasn’t beat.

RAVEN:  Oh yeah? Is that all you got… bellboy?

ME:  All bets are off, miss?

RAVEN:  Of course! Gimme your best shot!

SBW:  Careful, Megan! The last guy you said that to stuck it in in your… well, you know…

RAVEN:  Shut up, Chrissy!

Again, the elevator broke up – this time in gasps. But since the gauntlet had been thrown down, I charged ahead.

ME:  (Throwing down a coin in front of Raven.)  Here’s a Canadian dollar… reach down for it… I dare you.

This time, the elevator went as silent as Kim Kardashian’s conscience.

For a moment at least.

RAVEN:  (In a voice that bounced off the compacted elevator’s walls like a rubber ball.)  OH! THAT… WAS… AWESOME, ROBERT!!!

There you have it; I won her respect by ripping her to shreds. The chick ended up digging me.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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10 Things In 10 Days: #1. (Not Quite The End – But Close.)

As the the midnight hour takes hold once more, a man sits alone in his newly-renovated-but-completely-paid-for-thank-Dog kitchen, save for his non-existent thoughts.

With the exception of a laptop’s glare, darkness surrounds him as he stares at a blank screen, a cursor disappearing and reappearing with alarming frequency. His daylight hours are spent serving humanity’s travelers. He lifts their luggage but it is their baggage that vexes him. Paradoxically, it sustains him, providing precious blog fodder to help keep the demons of the past at bay. Humanity’s madness is his business and at the height of the summer season, business has never been better.

But recent events have proven overwhelming.

His creative engine has shut down.

And so he moves away from the blank screen via weary fingers clicking on a plastic technological rodent.

He engages strangers on Twitter, reading in horror of a soul-sucking entity called Kimye. Devoid of any actual talent or humanity of its own, Kimye appears to exist solely to taunt those who are idolized by millions. He scrolls on, but sadly, inexplicably, Twitter holds no appeal for him on this night.

Even comic book sites, the source of his most vivid dreams, hold no joy for him.

Sheer boredom/desperation brings him to the underbelly of the web: sites that cater to mankind’s libidinous nature. (He makes a mental note to thank his wife for covering up the dining room windows facing the neighbor’s kitchen.)

What happens next is best left to one’s imagination…

Now physically as well as mentally spent, his plight has actually become even more precarious.

“What am I doing?” he thinks, “I just launched a ‘100 Things In 100 Days’ concept, for Pete’s sake! (Which I’ve since changed, obviously.) I’m completely screwed! It’s summer and I barely have time to live a regular (whatever that is) life, never mind being a blogging bellman!”

His back against the virtual wall, he begins to type…

#91: Writer’s Block.

Yep.

I’m blocked like a fat kid whose parents left him home alone for a week with a fridge full of cheese.

See you in the lobby, kids…

Hopefully.

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10 Things In 10 Days: #2. (The End is Near.)

For many of us, it’s the only fuel good enough for our human engine in the morning.

It fights back the hangover monster with a vengeance.

It helps us forget the night before; when we got together with Sheila from payroll, drank all her uncle’s homemade wine that tasted like antifreeze, and woke up on a bus full of circus people. In Cleveland.

It keeps us sharp.

It keeps us awake.

It’s the greatest beverage ever created by mammals with opposable thumbs.

#2: Java.

Wait… What the hell am I doing?

I hate coffee!

Never mind…

See you in the lobby, kids…

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10 Things In 10 Days: #3. (The One About Comics.)

I doubt I’ll ever actually get there, but San Diego Comic Con appears to truly be Nerdvana.

It’s the place to be for the biggest, geekiest stars (even washed-up stars show up at SDCC just to be interviewed and photographed), the best comic book panels, sneak previews of the hottest toys, first glimpses of new seasons of the best returning and new TV shows, and of course… ultra-hot movie trailers.

Like the ridiculously-much-anticipated Wonder Woman trailer, for example.

#93: The SDCC Wonder Woman Trailer.

To suggest that fanboys – like me – and fangirls – like my daughter – have been hungry for this flick is like suggesting Kanye West has a passing fascination with banging Taylor Swift.

This is the superhero film no one ever thought would actually be filmed, never mind released. The concept of a Wonder Woman film languished for years in development hell but thankfully, that’s all over now. Fortunately, movie execs appear to have finally realized just how important this character is to pop culture and fandom in general.

Boys have more super heroes than they can count.

Girls? They’ve gotten the short end of the super hero stick, folks.

Super heroes aren’t just fictional characters that exist solely in two dimensions; they influence our outlook on the world around us. They inspire us to be braver in our own lives. They shape our dreams, which sustain us in times of darkness and despair. As for WW herself, well, she’s utterly fascinating.

William Moulton Marston created Princess Diana. William Marston helped create the lie detector. William Marston lived with his wife and another woman whom he modeled Wonder Woman after. William Marston was heavily into bondage; physical submission appears frequently throughout his comics work, with Wonder Woman and her criminal opponents frequently being tied up or otherwise restrained, and her Amazonian sisters engaging in wrestling and bondage play. 

William Marston was one freaky son of a bitch.

In his own words:

“The only hope for peace is to teach people who are full of pep and unbound force to enjoy being bound… Only when the control of self by others is more pleasant than the unbound assertion of self in human relationships can we hope for a stable, peaceful human society… Giving to others, being controlled by them, submitting to other people cannot possibly be enjoyable without a strong erotic element.”

Wonder-Woman-in-BondageBut Bill Marston did give us one of the most kick-ass females of all time. Fictional or otherwise, Princess Diana has given hope to millions and she’s sure to continue her winning streak with this upcoming popcorn flick.

And to be perfectly honest, while she may be a fictional character, WW has saved more real world marriages than any hero ever. As a bellman I can attest to this; I’ve seen more soiled Wonder Woman outfits strewn across hotel rooms floors than French maid outfits or Nun getups, I can tell you that much.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

See you in the lobby, kids…

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10 Things In 10 Days: #4. (We’re Rollin’ Now, Baby!)

All right, since we’re on a roll with posts dedicated to the examination of female guests, let’s jump into a category that may infuriate the feminists among you.

Though, not if you have a sense of humor.

#94:  Drunk Bitches.

To be clear, I’m not revisiting the subject of bachelorettes. It is important to note that not all bachelorettes are drunk bitches… and not all drunk bitches are bachelorettes. 

Sometimes, young ladies gather at a hotel to celebrate the impending nuptials of one of their beloved friends and they actually remain civil – and clothed in public – the whole time. Thankfully, that is a rare occurrence. Then there are times that young ladies gather to… well, who knows what they hell they’re getting together to do? It cold be everything from sharing life stories and deep feelings to howling at the moon naked before engaging in an orgy of the flesh. (Hey, you never know.)

Most of the time though, young ladies just get together to drink. Wine, beer, coolers, blood… whatever. They don’t care what it is; as long as it gives them a buzz, they’re in. On a particular Saturday overrun with bachelorettes, I had the distinct pleasure of serving a Transit van full full of drunk bitches. To be clear, five of them were sober, five were halfway there, and five of them were fall-down drunk.

Naturally, the five drunk ladies are the meat in this blog sandwich. They took forever to hand their luggage over, they lost their cellphones (all five of them) and they had a helluva time making their way through the check-in crowd. But when we arrived at the room, they gave me some great blog fodder, so it’s all good, baby! The fun began as soon as they got into their rooms. Then all I had to do was stand in the hallway and listen.

“Guys, I’m horny!  Who’s going to go down on me? I’m not usually into the girl/girl thing… but we’re in Canada!”

“Who am I sleeping with?  If there’s not enough beds… I can sleep standing up in the shower! I don’t care!”

“Hey, guys!  If you look out the window, you can see there’s a buncha water falling over some big ass rocks!”

“Let’s get drunker, bitches!”

(For the record, that wouldn’t have been possible.)

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Not all drunk bitches are this much fun, sadly…

Finally, the bags were all unloaded and the good times were over. For me, at least. The best thing about serving drunk bitches in multiple rooms? They don’t keep track of who already tipped the bellman.

I walked away with a buncha cash and even a proposition from a sun-drenched blonde with oversized, clown-like sunglasses, a Clark Kentesque short sleeve dress shirt and a tie. To be perfectly honest, it was a quasi-proposition…

“You’re so sweet, Mr. Bellguy! I’d fuck you… but I bet you have rules against that sort of thing, right?”

ME:  Yes, we do. But to be clear, it’s not the rules I worry about… it’s the fact my wife would rip my nuts off if I even set foot in that room with you.

SUN-DRENCHED BLONDE:  Wow. That’s hardcore…

ME:  You have no idea.

Aren’t drunk bitches the best, kids? And yes, I dislike the term as much as you do, but it’s what they prefer to be called. In their defense, they’re drunk, so…

See you in the lobby, friends…

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10 Things in 10 Days: #5. (“Not Another One, Hook?”)

HOOK’S NOTE:  Yes, I’ve made some changes to the core concept of this countdown. (Good eye, faithful reader.) The truth is, I’m just not in a place where I can take on 100 things in 100 days.

Yes, I suck.

But I’m good with it. My apologies for the inconvenience and mental anguish. Now, on with the abridged show…

There are as many distinct groups traveling the highways and byways of North America as there are hotels for them to stay in.

In my role as a bellman I see them all; Orthodox Jews of young and old persuasion, hardcore gamblers, hookers, Johns, bachelor parties, cougars on the prowl,  and of course, bachelorettes. 

#95:  Bachelorettes.

Bachelorettes really are a mother-lode for blogging bellmen like me; they never fail to stimulate one’s cerebral cortex/creative engine. While stimulating other things, of course.

I’ve seen some things that were simultaneously amazing and disheartening while serving bachelorette parties.

  • Male blow-up dolls tied to luggage carts.
  • Female guests tied to beds.
  • Guests that have tied one on – and beyond. (One girl actually passed out in a pool of her own bodily fluids.)
  • Vibrators so powerful and mammoth they require the same size battery one would use for a power drill.
  • More “dirty” baked goods than one should ever attempt to consume.
  • Whips.
  • Chains.
  • Fuzzy handcuffs.
  • A “coven of witches” that, since they didn’t have a fatted calf to sacrifice, decided to bring a bag of raw, bloody steaks to the hotel to “offer up to their dark god”.

I could go on but I risk recalling memories that could make a grown man sob like a little girl. As for the here and now, I recently stored a plethora of lady items for three bachelorettes (vibrating lace things, what remained of a tray of penis cupcakes, a box of wine etc.) who were incredibly-nice, well-behaved young ladies of good character.

(Hey, I had to run into some sooner or later, right?)

However, just because they were decent chicks doesn’t mean they were above having a good time, something they demonstrated while we were waiting for their vehicle to arrive on the valet deck. And yes,a s you’re about to see, I hit the United Colors of Bachelorette Benetton jackpot…

STATUESQUE BLONDE:  There are a lot of bachelorette chicks like us here, aren’t there?

BRUNETTE OF AVERAGE HEIGHT:  Yeah, they’re everywhere!

AWESOME, PETITE REDHEAD: (You’ll see why she’s awesome soon enough.)  Do you see a lot of craziness from chicks like us, Robert?

ME:  Well…

I then went on to recount my many bachelorette encounters for them. No stone was left upturned; they got the whole ugly, libidinous truth. I concluded my recollections with a tale of the “All-American Challenge”, a red, white and blue vibrator that was so large it required the aforementioned drill battery.

They stood there on the valet deck as the last words left my lips, paralyzed with shock. But not all of them.

AWESOME, PETITE REDHEAD:  I could’ve handled that thing!

I was shocked – as were her friends – by her boldness, but I didn’t miss a beat in replying.

ME:  Oh yeah? Remember, sometimes our eyes are bigger than our stomachs… so to speak!

APR:  Trust me.. I may be small… but I’ve got mad skills, yo!

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My parents have great health coverage… bring on that Challenge, Hook!

Her colleagues nearly fell over.

ME:  Mad skills or not… you take on that challenge… and you’ll require surgery afterwards!

They all broke up in raucous laughter – which was interrupted by a powerful gust of wind that lifted the Brunette’s sundress .

Right over her head.

APR:  OMG! He just saw everything!

The Brunette was mortified, though she was laughing her head off as she pulled her dress down and made sure it stayed that way.

ME:  Actually, miss… I happened to look away at that moment. Just my luck, right?

BRUNETTE OF AVERAGE HEIGHT:  Well, if this wind keeps up… you’ll get your chance again, Robert!

But, of course, their car arrived at that moment and they were out of my life forever. Thankfully, they’ve achieved immortality on the blog.

See you in the lobby, kids…

 

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