Ten Reasons Breakfast Television Should Include Niagara Falls.

So our good friend, Niagara Falls Mayor Jim Diodati, has proposed a new morning show feature on Toronto’s Breakfast Television: Live weekly hits from Niagara Falls. 

Anyone out there wondering how yours truly feels about that?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Now that we’ve established my zeal for this concept, please allow me to elaborate. 

 10)  This is one television Breakfast that has grown too big for Toronto’s table.  Seriously, the BT gang has covered every nook and cranny of Toronto the Good and then some. It’s time to bounce and expand, bitches! Not that TO doesn’t have any more to offer, but Torontonians have a voracious appetite for knowledge and a weekly visit to their favorite “little cousin” could help satisfy that hunger.

9)  Mayor Jim makes Rob Ford look like a coma patient!  He’s sure to brighten up any broadcast. When he isn’t hosting after-hours booze fests/cage fights for television journalists, celebrities and other ne’er–do–wells, Jim Diodati is extolling the virtues of this fine metropolis to anyone who will listen. And they will listen; his love for this city is infectious and there’s no cure. (Incidentally, about those parties: Melanie Ng is a mean drunk and a fierce combatant. Its always the quiet ones, isn’t it?)

Do you know our mayor has actually taken heat in the local media for his tireless campaign to  lure draw Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show here? Okay, I’ll admit his offer to rename the Falls, the streets, every citizen, pet and business after the late-night host may have been a tad excessive, but that’s show business, kids.

8)  Niagara is full of surprises.  Put the stereotypical images of tacky souvenir shops and tourists traps out of your minds; that’s your grandparent’s Niagara. We have world-class restaurants, wineries, retail shops, and hotels staffed by colorful individuals like myself. And the waters of Niagara Falls can make a man more virile and potent than Kevin Frankish. No lie. They’ve done studies.

7)  Niagara is every one of  Frankie Flowers’ erotic dreams come to life.  We have more open space than you’ll find between a Kardashian’s ears. (This next bit is for Frankie Ferragine, so the rest of you can nod off for a minute.)

The Niagara Parks’ Botanical Gardens is home to the Butterfly Conservatory and serves as an unparalleled, kick-ass outdoor classroom for students attending the Niagara Parks School of Horticulture. Established in 1936, Frankie, you’ll enjoy 40 hectares of beautifully maintained gardens, featuring perennials, rhododendrons, azaleas, formal parterre garden, shade, herb and vegetable plantings, as well as our world-famous rose garden featuring over 2,400 roses. Heck, for all I  know you’ll find Jimmy Hoffa in there, that’s how well stocked it is.

6)  We’re damn nice people.  Mess with us and we’ll cut you, but overall, we’ll do anything for you. Need a restaurant reservation at the height of the season? We’ll hook you up. A shoulder to cry on? We’re great listeners. A kidney? We know a guy.

5)  Niagara Falls is NEVER boring.  It may be a frozen paradise at the moment, but as a bellman of seventeen years I can tell you this: This city is frequented by some of the wackiest – and most fascinating – souls to ever pack a laundry basket (ridiculously-expensive suitcases are out of fashion these days) and hit the open road.

For example, here’s a “typical call” on a “typical” day in Niagara…

Two rooms, two tweens, two toddlers who couldn’t stop climbing my cart like a pair of howler monkeys on crack, two Israeli couples… and one single, super randy, Israeli female.

The female in question was as tall as yours truly, with dyed orange hair and a form-clinging tan outfit to match her locks. Honestly, I paid her no mind as her traveling companions carried luggage out to me (I was too busy continuously removing the little ones from my cart to pay any attention to anything else). And so my lack of focus proved to be my downfall.

With a matter of seconds the following scenario unfolded.

• I bent over to secure my load. (Stop giggling, you perverts.)
• I stood back up and came face-to-face with The Lady in Orange, who was pressed against my left side, her left hand exploring my lower half while a Cheshire Cat smile grew across her face.
• I froze for a moment as I met her gaze.
• She continued to grin and explore.
• A puzzling lack of sensation down below made me realize the young lady was off the mark… to say the least.
• I held up a finger to signal my new friend. (A single digit held in the air is the universal sign for “Please stop groping me for a moment.”)
• A quick trip into my left pocket produced the actual object of my admirer’s ministrations… my large, hard rubber doorstop.
• It was my turn to smile as she backed away laughing.

Amazingly, her entire group remained oblivious to the entire brief affair. I continued with my work while she wrestled with her surprise. In the end, I received a sizable tip and I walked away with another whopper of a tale.

I love it when almost everyone wins, don’t you?

4)  The ladies of BT are as radiant as the Falls themselves.  (Incidentally, the “Ladies of BT” sounds like a Maxim photo-spread, doesn’t it?) 

But on a more serious note, Melanie, (the lovable, impossibly-cute nerd), Jenn (the gorgeous trickster and Every-woman), and Dina (to quote Leslie Nielsen: “She had the kind of legs you’d like to suck on for a week”), bring more than 1.21 gigawatts of collective electric personality to our homes every morning and that kind of radiance would be a perfect fit for a city that sucks power from the Earth’s oceans and uses it to power a myriad of hotels, residences, mad scientists’ schemes, and one million Tim Hortons outlets.

3)  Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Lynne?  She was an educated woman and her advice to me rings true to this day: “If you ever find yourself stuck while writing a list, just distract the reader with a childhood anecdote. Works every time.”

Aunt Lynne was a woman ahead of her time. It’s too bad we had to send her away to a “farm” after she started adding far too much Sherry to her baking and starting licking mailmen…

2)  They’re all about the facts.  Niagara Falls is a city built around a natural wonder, shrouded in mystery and legend, but we embrace the cold, hard truth as much as anyone. The cast of BT shoot from the hip, and in a media landscape dominated by the likes of CNN (“Don’t worry about the facts, folks… Lord knows, we don’t.), BT stands alone as a bastion of truth.

Consider last Friday’s remote interview with Mayor Jim Diodati that inspired this very post: ‘Frozen’ Niagara Falls draws tourists to winter spectacle

I’ve burned through far too many hours of my work days this week correcting tourists who were itching to see the “Frozen Niagara Falls” that CNN promised them. Among the many colorful responses I received from my deeply disappointed guests:

“What do you mean? CNN said they’re frozen solid! I was going to take my kids ice skating! Son of a bitch”

“That damn Anderson Cooper!”

“That’s it, I’m getting my gun!”

Seriously. Americans, especially American housewives, are serious about their vacations. My point is this: BT got the straight skinny from the mayor himself. Put that in your hat and smoke it, Wolf Blitzer.

And finally…

1)  Breakfast Television is the best damn morning show on any continent, in the history of television. Period.  Who else are we going to partner with, Good Morning New Jersey? We have great respect for raw power in Niagara and the entire BT team, from Kevin Frankish, Dina Pugliese , Jenn Valentyne, Winston Sih, Frankie Ferragine, and Melanie Ng deliver day after day! (And Brad  Smith really tries.) We’d make a great partner, gang; we’re housebroken (mostly), well-mannered (until 10 am each day) and gosh darn it, people like us.

 This is the partnership the Bible prophecized, after all. (What Book, you ask? I’m a blogging bellman, folks, I’m too busy to fact check. Just trust me, all right?)

That’s all I have, kids. Here’s hoping my impassioned, rambling, deliriously-brilliant plea reaches the right people and Breakfast Television: Niagara Falls becomes a reality once a week. Maybe they’ll even give a certain blogging bellman a few minutes to spread his unique genius across the airwaves?

After all, according to my family, I’m perfectly tolerable in small doses.