The “Frozen Falls” And… Well, Read On…

For the 80th time…

FAMILY OF SEVEN:  (In a collective screaming voice.)  WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FALLS AREN’T FROZEN OVER?  THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE!

ME:  (Sighing heavily.)  Even if the surface water freezes, the water below it never stops flowing. It would take a catastrophic, cold snap to stop the Falls. Please, folks, direct your anger at Anderson Cooper and CNN.

Drone video of Niagara Falls

We now return you to “You’ve Been Hooked!

Without going into too much detail, I’ve been overwhelmed with family obligations and crises of late and so the blog has fallen behind, but I have a small, but tasty offering for you. Enjoy.

It all started with this Friday night tweet:

But that was the tip of the creepy/disturbing/fun iceberg, kiddies.

The steroid-filled guest in question (we’ll call him “John”, for obvious reasons), was very concerned with saving his pennies. One can only assume he was more concerned with the cost of his “weekend-investment”:

This is a hypothetical hooker, but the fact remains, this is how the young lady arrived in the middle of winter! No hat. No coat. No clue.

The preceding pic should give you an idea of his price point. He was obviously a gentleman of discerning tastes, no doubt?

At any rate, once he was assured the service was gratuity-based and the tipping ball was in his court, he allowed us to load up his hard liquor, beer, chips, pop, fruit tray, bag of sex toys (the buzzing is a dead giveaway), and one small suitcase. (He actually laughed at my use of the words, “ball”, “load”, and “hard”. Charming.)

Twenty minutes later, he was checked in and his “luggage” arrived, courtesy of yours truly.

That’s when the real fun began.

Picture this:

  • The room was dimly lit.
  • Instead of one muscle-headed cheap yutz in a wife-beater T-shirt, there were two.
  • They spent the entire time giggling like school girls. On performing-enhancing hormones.
  • The room was already filled with enough alcohol to slow down the entire population of a Boston neighborhood.
  • The classical tones of some unidentified rapper with the word “Ice” in his name resonated off the walls.
  • The young lady was nowhere to be seen but since the bathroom door was closed, I assumed she was preparing herself for an experience she’d never forget. No matter how much she tried.
  • A low, animalistic wheezing emanated from the bathroom.

Ignoring strange sounds is part of the job, so I carried on. Just for fun, I employed a query that was sure to break the room up.

“Where shall I unload your cart, sir?”

Sure enough, Hanz and Franz cracked up.

“You’re hilarious, Boss! Throw your load anywhere, man… we’re going to!”

 Classy. But it gets better.

I finished unloading. (Go ahead and giggle, I won’t judge. Much.) Bucking tough, muscle-headed convention, John (the first one), tipped me well. I turned to leave…

And the other shoe dropped.

Or, to be clear, the other hooves dropped.

The bathroom door opened and there they stood: The hooker who came in from the cold… and a small pony. 

Take a moment to process that statement.

You good? Then we’ll continue.

As longtime readers will attest, I’ve seen everything. Just about. To be fair, this incident perfectly illustrates just why I never say:

“After 17 years in the hospitality business, I’ve seen everything!”

Have to admit, when I arrived at the room and saw two idiots instead of one, I felt bad for the girl. Now I felt bad for the horse.

And yes, I realize there are a million questions racing through your head right now. Such as:

  • How on Earth did they get that pony up to that room, even at night?
  • What the hell happened next?
  • Who was going to clean the room up the next day? (Housekeeping certainly wasn’t going to. Not without a helluva fight.)
  • Was the SPCA notified? Or Betty White?

And most importantly…

  • WTF?

Well, I can’t help you, kids. I held it together and got the hell out of Dodge. I don’t get paid to be security. Or Niagara FiveO. Or animal control.

I’m The Hook. I deliver your luggage. I entertain you with my snarky wit and general dumbassery. I get paid. (Usually.) I get lost. Period.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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52 Responses to The “Frozen Falls” And… Well, Read On…

  1. List of X says:

    Must be those My Little Pony fans.

  2. markbialczak says:

    Why did the hooker need the pony in a closed door session in the bathroom? Oh, so many questions, Hook! What a strange and mystery-riddled life you lead, my friend.

    It’s been cold and snowy enough in Syracuse this winter. We do not need what it would take for the Falls to freeze completely. It looks breath-taking enough as is.

  3. Yup, brings new meaning to the term: pony up!
    Mankind. *Sigh*.

  4. When you mentioned the tiny pony, I was waiting for a John Wayne Impersonator Midget to become part of this story. Pilgrim.

  5. janeybgood says:

    I… Wait… How… Nope, no words.

  6. The pony is a killer. Just out there on the edge, Hook

  7. Reblogged this on nobodysreadingme and commented:
    Too weird not to share. Neeeeiiiiiigggggghhhh

  8. 'Tis says:

    ummmmm….. ummmmm…. yeah, I got nothing. lol

  9. trillie says:

    Do you think it might have been Kid Rock’s pony? If so, you should have gotten his autograph.

  10. franhunne4u says:

    If the “gentleman” were having fun with the pony in a sexual way that would have been against the law. I can see why you do not want to get into trouble, but what if it had been an 8-year-old-girl instead? Ponies do not have a voice of their own to speak up for themselves.

  11. I had a flashback to Tom Hanks and Bachelor Party. WOW…you can’t even make this stuff up. So many questions, so little time!
    You need to report back this morning – I just wanna know how they got the donkey back out of the room. I’m kind of a logistics gal…

  12. girlseule says:

    Wait, What?! It’s something out of a movie! I wonder how they got a pony up to the room? And why? Actually I don’t want to know the why!

  13. OMG..SMH…OMG…SMH…OMG…SMH….well… you get the picture! Wowsers…… I have no other words! :-/

  14. shimoniac says:

    I read this an hour ago. I haven’t stopped randomly giggling since. The questions just keep circling and the possible answers are just too out there to believe. I’m going to have a nice cup of tea now and hope the memory fades. 😯

  15. Pamela Edwards says:

    You just don’t get paid enough for your services . I think you should write a book someday on #thebellmanstales !

  16. “I don’t get paid to…” Five words that sum up so much of what’s wrong with the world. Sad.

  17. Doug in Oakland says:

    Do you suppose the young lady was regretting the time she asked for a pony for Christmas?

  18. You looking for a dog?

  19. Eli Pacheco says:

    If the boys were roided up, probably the horsey was the girlie’s best chance at something, anything, leaving an impression. (Former hotel concierge/fill-in bellman here who dreams of a secret blog to tell the world the stories. Likely, they’ll die with me.)

  20. I’m at a loss for words. Flummoxed is the only word stuck in my head. o_O

  21. Nay to horsie stay and play.
    (Gee, Hook, like you said. Just when you think….)

  22. curvyroads says:

    Oh Hook, the things you have seen…ugh! Years ago when I lived in Texas, there were lots of rumors of activities in Tijuana involving ponies; but in an upscale hotel in Niagara Falls, I would not have thunk it…

  23. Amber says:

    Honestly Hook, I believe you’ve outdone yourself both in terms of bizarre experience and excellent written capture.
    I do hope the horse was ok…

  24. Paul says:

    I’m just…..I don’t know what – a pony?

    Awesome Hook. Every day brings new, eye-opening happenings in your job. I like your attitude – that’s nice, see ya! Ha!

  25. elenamusic says:

    OMG! That’s crazy! A pony? I’m surprised they weren’t playing Ginuwine’s “Pony”. Hah. Well captured and sounds like a movie scene. Can’t be real, haha.

  26. I don’t even want to know what kind of things they were doing to that poor pony… People never cease to amaze me. wow.

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