For the 80th time…
FAMILY OF SEVEN: (In a collective screaming voice.) WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FALLS AREN’T FROZEN OVER? THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE!
ME: (Sighing heavily.) Even if the surface water freezes, the water below it never stops flowing. It would take a catastrophic, cold snap to stop the Falls. Please, folks, direct your anger at Anderson Cooper and CNN.
We now return you to “You’ve Been Hooked!“
Without going into too much detail, I’ve been overwhelmed with family obligations and crises of late and so the blog has fallen behind, but I have a small, but tasty offering for you. Enjoy.
It all started with this Friday night tweet:
But that was the tip of the creepy/disturbing/fun iceberg, kiddies.
The steroid-filled guest in question (we’ll call him “John”, for obvious reasons), was very concerned with saving his pennies. One can only assume he was more concerned with the cost of his “weekend-investment”:
The preceding pic should give you an idea of his price point. He was obviously a gentleman of discerning tastes, no doubt?
At any rate, once he was assured the service was gratuity-based and the tipping ball was in his court, he allowed us to load up his hard liquor, beer, chips, pop, fruit tray, bag of sex toys (the buzzing is a dead giveaway), and one small suitcase. (He actually laughed at my use of the words, “ball”, “load”, and “hard”. Charming.)
Twenty minutes later, he was checked in and his “luggage” arrived, courtesy of yours truly.
That’s when the real fun began.
Picture this:
- The room was dimly lit.
- Instead of one muscle-headed cheap yutz in a wife-beater T-shirt, there were two.
- They spent the entire time giggling like school girls. On performing-enhancing hormones.
- The room was already filled with enough alcohol to slow down the entire population of a Boston neighborhood.
- The classical tones of some unidentified rapper with the word “Ice” in his name resonated off the walls.
- The young lady was nowhere to be seen but since the bathroom door was closed, I assumed she was preparing herself for an experience she’d never forget. No matter how much she tried.
- A low, animalistic wheezing emanated from the bathroom.
Ignoring strange sounds is part of the job, so I carried on. Just for fun, I employed a query that was sure to break the room up.
“Where shall I unload your cart, sir?”
Sure enough, Hanz and Franz cracked up.
“You’re hilarious, Boss! Throw your load anywhere, man… we’re going to!”
Classy. But it gets better.
I finished unloading. (Go ahead and giggle, I won’t judge. Much.) Bucking tough, muscle-headed convention, John (the first one), tipped me well. I turned to leave…
And the other shoe dropped.
Or, to be clear, the other hooves dropped.
The bathroom door opened and there they stood: The hooker who came in from the cold… and a small pony.
Take a moment to process that statement.
You good? Then we’ll continue.
As longtime readers will attest, I’ve seen everything. Just about. To be fair, this incident perfectly illustrates just why I never say:
“After 17 years in the hospitality business, I’ve seen everything!”
Have to admit, when I arrived at the room and saw two idiots instead of one, I felt bad for the girl. Now I felt bad for the horse.
And yes, I realize there are a million questions racing through your head right now. Such as:
- How on Earth did they get that pony up to that room, even at night?
- What the hell happened next?
- Who was going to clean the room up the next day? (Housekeeping certainly wasn’t going to. Not without a helluva fight.)
- Was the SPCA notified? Or Betty White?
And most importantly…
- WTF?
Well, I can’t help you, kids. I held it together and got the hell out of Dodge. I don’t get paid to be security. Or Niagara Five–O. Or animal control.
I’m The Hook. I deliver your luggage. I entertain you with my snarky wit and general dumbassery. I get paid. (Usually.) I get lost. Period.
See you in the lobby, kids…
Must be those My Little Pony fans.
They certainly didn’t look like Bronies, but who knows?
Why did the hooker need the pony in a closed door session in the bathroom? Oh, so many questions, Hook! What a strange and mystery-riddled life you lead, my friend.
It’s been cold and snowy enough in Syracuse this winter. We do not need what it would take for the Falls to freeze completely. It looks breath-taking enough as is.
Indeed! If the Falls freeze over, I’ll be more concerned about staying warm than apologizing to CNN…
Yup, brings new meaning to the term: pony up!
Mankind. *Sigh*.
We mean well, Robyn…. most of us, at least.
And, there went my morning coffee…all over the keyboard!
When you mentioned the tiny pony, I was waiting for a John Wayne Impersonator Midget to become part of this story. Pilgrim.
He may have, buddy…
I didn’t check the closet.
I… Wait… How… Nope, no words.
No doubt!
The pony is a killer. Just out there on the edge, Hook
No place I’d rather be.
Reblogged this on nobodysreadingme and commented:
Too weird not to share. Neeeeiiiiiigggggghhhh
Love it!
Thanks!
ummmmm….. ummmmm…. yeah, I got nothing. lol
Don’t feel bad, ‘Tis.
At all.
Do you think it might have been Kid Rock’s pony? If so, you should have gotten his autograph.
never thought about that, Trillie.
I like the way you think.
If the “gentleman” were having fun with the pony in a sexual way that would have been against the law. I can see why you do not want to get into trouble, but what if it had been an 8-year-old-girl instead? Ponies do not have a voice of their own to speak up for themselves.
Fair point.
But I’m not security or animal control.
Some matters are out of my control and always will be.
I had a flashback to Tom Hanks and Bachelor Party. WOW…you can’t even make this stuff up. So many questions, so little time!
You need to report back this morning – I just wanna know how they got the donkey back out of the room. I’m kind of a logistics gal…
Sorry, girl… I’m sure they snuck “Their Little Pony” out of the room in the middle of the night/early Saturday morning.
Ah dang! I was hoping for a magnificent haul ending with a dive down the Falls!
Now, THAT would have been cool!
Wait, What?! It’s something out of a movie! I wonder how they got a pony up to the room? And why? Actually I don’t want to know the why!
OMG..SMH…OMG…SMH…OMG…SMH….well… you get the picture! Wowsers…… I have no other words!
Side note… I bet the Falls are beautiful. I have been looking at pictures online. I was there with my family about 10 years ago. It is pretty amazing! 🙂
Well, I’m here, so….
I read this an hour ago. I haven’t stopped randomly giggling since. The questions just keep circling and the possible answers are just too out there to believe. I’m going to have a nice cup of tea now and hope the memory fades. 😯
Good luck!
You just don’t get paid enough for your services . I think you should write a book someday on #thebellmanstales !
Benn there.
Done that.
Flamed out spectacularly.
Geez Hook , no respect for what you go through . I am simply shocked . I need to hear more on said book .
“I don’t get paid to…” Five words that sum up so much of what’s wrong with the world. Sad.
Not really.
I have a service award for going above and beyond, but there are limits.
And … calling Animal Control to report possible abuse was beyond the limit. I understand.
Do you suppose the young lady was regretting the time she asked for a pony for Christmas?
Most definitely, Doug!
You looking for a dog?
Hells no!
LOL
seriously? WTF!!
I know, right?
If the boys were roided up, probably the horsey was the girlie’s best chance at something, anything, leaving an impression. (Former hotel concierge/fill-in bellman here who dreams of a secret blog to tell the world the stories. Likely, they’ll die with me.)
I’m at a loss for words. Flummoxed is the only word stuck in my head.
Nay to horsie stay and play.
(Gee, Hook, like you said. Just when you think….)
Oh Hook, the things you have seen…ugh! Years ago when I lived in Texas, there were lots of rumors of activities in Tijuana involving ponies; but in an upscale hotel in Niagara Falls, I would not have thunk it…
Honestly Hook, I believe you’ve outdone yourself both in terms of bizarre experience and excellent written capture.
I do hope the horse was ok…
I’m just…..I don’t know what – a pony?
Awesome Hook. Every day brings new, eye-opening happenings in your job. I like your attitude – that’s nice, see ya! Ha!
OMG! That’s crazy! A pony? I’m surprised they weren’t playing Ginuwine’s “Pony”. Hah. Well captured and sounds like a movie scene. Can’t be real, haha.
I don’t even want to know what kind of things they were doing to that poor pony… People never cease to amaze me. wow.