Technically, this is an open letter is to Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, but I’m going to concentrate on the lovely and radiant Kelly rather than her hunky co-star. (Don’t pout, Michael. You’re still rich, beautiful-but-in-a-manly way, and on TV. Get over it.)
Everyone who isn’t Kelly or Michael, read this first before moving forward.
Done? Good, then we’ll continue.
In 1996, America’s favorite morning-show hosts Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford (go ahead and shudder, we’ll wait for you), filmed two episodes at Oakes Garden Theatre. Ten years later, the show returned with Philbin and new co-host, the girl who has become America’s sweetheart, Kelly Ripa. Fast-forward to the present; while chatting up a chilly Niagara Falls two weeks ago, current “Live!” hosts Ripa and Michael Strahan laid hints about their morning show returning to the city someday.
Cue the collective screams of delight across Niagara.
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, a blonde Kim Kardashian creeps me out too. As for that other thing you’re thinking; yes, the city of Niagara Falls has been down this road before with Jimmy Fallon and in fact, we still are. But this is different; “Live!” has been here before and with the exception of a few tragic accidents involving missing interns (don’t worry, interns are mass-produced in a factory in Jersey and shipped to various Hollywood productions at a reduced rate), the entire deal went off without a hitch. And so I say we do it again.
To that point, here are ten reasons why Niagara Falls wants, no, make that ten reasons (all mostly true, of course) why Niagara Falls needs Kelly Ripa to get her cute little behind back here ASAP.
10) SHE’S GORGEOUS! Niagara Falls is one of God’s most magnificent creations, right behind bacon double cheeseburgers, orgasms and comic books. So it stands to reason that only a talk-show host of exceptional beauty would be able to do our fair city justice.
If Kelly Ripa were an ancient goddess, armies of warriors would tear one another to pieces in an orgy of violence in the hope of winning her favor for an instant. Philosophers would philosophize until their brains melted attempting to understand her complexities. Virgins would be sacrificed by the boatload (something that would be impossible in this day and age… who transports anything by boat anymore?), to appease her. Kings would abdicate their throne for her. Hell, even queens would give up their tiaras for Ripa. In short, she’d be one bitchin’ goddess.
9) SHE’S NO SCHLEMIEL. I realize the feminists among my readership are screaming my name right now, but I still believe I should be allowed to honor Ripa’s beauty before her brains… (the screaming just became a not-so-dull roar), as long as I honor her brains eventually.
And so here we are. Not only does Kelly have her own production company and top-billing in her talk show, she was named one of People’s Most Intriguing People and one of the Most Powerful People in Media according to The Hollywood Reporter. It is also a little-known fact that Ripa possesses one of the most powerful scientific minds on the planet, having created advances in robotics, health, dimension-hopping and video streaming. It’s true. I read it somewhere, most likely in a book. (Kids everywhere are Googling “book” right now.) Far from being a narcissist, Ripa prefers to direct mankind to a glorious future from the shadows. And we thank her for it.
8) RIPA IS A TWELFTH-LEVEL WICCAN. But she uses her power wisely and secretly. She’s not one of those in-your-face wiccans who flaunts her power by transforming her cat into a butler every time you come over. She’s a classy wiccan broad.
7) IT’S DESTINY. Ripa was cast in her first major acting role in 1990 as Hayley Vaughan, a troubled party girl, on the daytime soap opera All My Children. She concluded her 12-year stint in 2002, but returned for two episodes in 2010 to help celebrate the soap opera’s 40th anniversary. The primary word in “soap opera” is “soap”. Soap is nothing without water. Niagara Falls is water. The math does itself, kids.
6) SHE HAS A BENEVOLENT HEART. Ripa donates her invaluable time to numerous charities such as MADD, The Ovarian Cancer Research Fund, the Tomorrow’s Children’s Fund and even lesser-known organizations such as Bowling For Cats With Ginormous Hairballs, Liposuction for the Hollywood Homeless and the Mansions for Lesser-Successful Kennedys.
5) SHE’S PERKY ON A SCALE THAT CANNOT BE MEASURED. In fact, her perkiness is so powerful and infectious, scientists have expended thousands of lives attempting to channel it. Of course, they were intern lives, so…
4) KELLY IS A GENUINELY NICE PERSON. So, of course, in Hollywood, that makes her a pariah. The girl could use a break and no one makes a person feel loved and valued like Canadians.
3) SHE COULD USE A POSITIVE PR EVENT. Ripa recently went on a spiked yogurt bender with former co-star Megan Fox that took the two beauties across twenty states in a stolen hot dog food truck. (It sported a bumper sticker that read “We brake for big wieners”.) It took fifty troopers, twenty tracker dogs and eight clowns to subdue them. Don’t ask about the clowns; it got weird in the end…
Of course, Gelman hushed the whole spree up. Not that it was difficult; the authorities were instantly entranced by Ripa’s innate goodness and perky nature.
2) SHE’S THE ULTIMATE PEOPLE PERSON. Let’s face it, talk show hosts have to deal with people from all walks of life. And the Kardashians. And they have to do it with a smile on their face. No one in daytime talk gives smile like Kelly Ripa.
Niagara Falls is many things, but first and foremost, it is a tourist town. Millions of people travel here every year looking for something. Some are in search of a cheaper version of Vegas. Some want to cross an item off their bucket list. Others are in love with the natural beauty of the Falls. Still others want the Falls to be the last thing they see. It’s a circus, folks, and if you can’t smile for this show, it will eat you alive. Ripa is the perfect talk show tourist for this town. Period.
1) SHE’S KELLY FREAKIN’ RIPA! What else is there to say? She’s nice, benevolent, perky, a brainiac, talented and hilarious. She’s a loving wife and mom. A source of enlightenment and entertainment to millions. An inspiration to billions. An organ donor. (They’re not her organs, but it’s the though that counts.)
Niagara Falls just hasn’t been the same since her last visit. I do what I can, but I can only elevate our street cred so much. Come on, Kelly, get back here and Mayor Jim Diodati will name a couple of streets, golf courses, orphans and housing developments after you. Possibly.