Aw, who are we trying to kid? Our society is all about short-term gratification; you’d forget your family, your youth and even the need to eat and defecate if it wasn’t for the fact you discuss those very things all day on social media.
But there’s no excuse for letting the awesome power of God’s majesty that is Steven Robert “Steve” Guttenberg slip from your memory. To be fair, I’m as guilty as anyone – but I’ve already had myself flogged, forced to endure two hours of water torture, been strapped to a chair while watching seventeen hours of Kanye West videos, and thrown into a pit filled with hot dogs and puppies hopped up on Red Bull. Of course, it was a Tuesday so I would have done that anyway.
But I digress.
My point is, I was recently reminded of the sheer joy one can experience while watching “The Gutte” channel the gods of theater and mirth, and I must say, it is glorious. (FYI, some indivuduals use one the moniker “Gute”, but one “t” is insufficient to honor such a modern-day demi-god properly, so I’m going with two, Get over it.)
There is no tribute I can offer that would be fitting of The Gutte’s contribution to all our meager lives. I had considered a sacrificial offering of virgins, but they’re in frightfully short supply these days, thanks to Christian Grey and his cinematic shenanigans. All I have to offer are my words and some “facts” I’ve dug up from the darkest corners of collective human memory and darkened corners of the interweb.
10) It is established lore that Steve Guttenberg’s cinematic career has spanned nearly four decades of human existence. In that time, he has served as an actor, director, writer and producer. But did you know he was cast in the German-produced film version of Tim Burton’s Batman, “Gutten-Bat”? And yes, David Hasselhoff was the Joker.
9) At the height of his charisma, and even to this day, the name “Steve Guttenberg” is only uttered in hushed whispers, as it will often cause women to spontaneously orgasm uncontrollably. It’s true, I once met a guy who worked as Bubba Smith’s mustache wrangler on the Police Academy movies (it was an easy job; he just had to feed it white women every twelve hours), and he told me he lost three wives that way. Tragic. And yet, incredibly cool.
8) For a time, Guttenberg took a young apprentice named Carlos Irwin Estévez under his wing, instructing him in the fine art of copulation. However, his young charge failed to heed his master’s warnings and flew too high too fast, resulting in entire hospital wings filled beyond capacity with young women with ruptured lady parts. The young cocksman became the train wreck known as Charlie Sheen. The Gutte loved the world and women in general too much to allow his teachings to be perverted and so he closed the world off from his particular brand of magic. Thanks, Charlie.
7) The Gutte dominated the Eighties with three film franchises: Police Academy (1984), Cocoon (1985), and Three Men and a Baby (1987). All total, his various series generated enough revenue to rescue the United States of America from certain doom. Turns out Ronald Reagan lost the entire country in a poker game with Mikhail Gorbachev in Tijuana in 1986. Fortunately, Guttenebrg stepped in and saved Ronnie’s ass (and not for the first time). It was in the history books, but as you know, no one reads books anymore so you may have trouble verifying it.
6) There is an entire language devoted to Guttenberg’s creation, Carey Mahoney. It was lost to the ages along with the society that spawned it, Mahonia. You won’t find evidence of Mahonia’s existence anywhere; it disappeared along with Atlantis and any and all medical professionals who have ever delivered a Kardashian. We know little about Mahonia’s inhabitants but one thing is certain; they threw some bitchin’ parties.
5) In 1980, Guttenberg starred in a Coca-Cola commercial which featured him trying to help a non-English-speaking woman whose car stalled. In the original version, The Gutte merely approached the car and the motor roared to life. So did the woman’s.
4) Guttenberg took part in the 2008 spring season of Dancing with the Stars but was eliminated on April 1 when he made host Tom Bergeron question his own sexuality.
3) In a related story, the ABC network was pressured by its blood-sucking lawyers to fix the results of Dancing with the Stars and eliminate The Gutte when they discovered millions of golden aged women were dropping dead after experiencing their first orgasm in decades after watching The Gutte trip the light fantastic. A nursing home in New Jersey lost its entire female population in one night. Not that anyone cared.
2) The Gutte was originally cast in Pretty Woman opposite Julia Roberts but producers had to bring in that Gere guy when Eric Brockovich found herself unable to remain vertical in Guttenberg’s presence.
And the number one fact you may have forgotten about The Gutte…
1) He’s Steve Freakin’ Gutteneberg!
He’s Mahoney! Police Academy was released in 1984, grossed approximately $146 million worldwide and spawned six more films that still make people laugh in a day and age when we spend more time obsessing over the darkness rather than basking in the light. I was fourteen when I first saw Police Academy and my buddies and I all wanted be The Gutte.
He founded and funded Guttenhouse, an apartment complex in South Los Angeles where young people can reside after their graduation from foster child status, with on-site social worker direction to assist their transition to adulthood.
Sure, there are those who dare to question the strength of The Gutte’s current powers. Those people should be beaten and locked in a room with a pack of Kardashians.
The Gutte is cool and always will be.
The Gutte exemplifies all that is good about humanity.
The Gutte makes us laugh.
The Gutte follows me on Twitter. (Okay, so he doesn’t, but wouldn’t that be cool? Then we could actually become friends and hang out together. He could star in the television version of my blog and win awards and we could hang out after those awards and party until we blacked out and woke up in Mexico wearing sombreros and original series Star Trek uniforms.)
But I digress. I do that.
The Gutte is one of God’s most magnificent creations. Angels weep in his presence.
Enjoy the gift of knowledge I have bestowed upon you, my fellow mortals.
See you in the lobby, kids. I’ll be the one watching Police Academy when I should be working. For the 500th time.