There’s a reason why I’ve inspired more hotel managers to have eye rolls than TripAdvisor, kids.
I tend to say things other hospitality workers would never even think, much less say to a guest. For example, when a guest in her sixties called my desk early on a cold, blustery winter’s morn, I was in no mood to deal with idiocy, well-meaning or not.
GLADYS: (Trust me, she was a Gladys.) Yes, I need some help. We ordered four robes from Housekeeping yesterday and now one is missing! What do I do now?
ME: Well, I can transfer you to Housekeeping, miss, I’m sure they’ll be able to help you…
GLADYS: NO, DON’T DO THAT! They’ll charge me eighty bucks for the missing robe, you dumb bastard!
Yes, she went there.
To my credit, I took a moment to process her assumption concerning my heritage – and then I slammed the receiver on the desk several times. (It’s become an old trick at our desk when dealing with morons.)
GLADYS: Are you still there? I think we have a bad connection…
ME: It certainly appears that way, miss.
GLADYS: Well, can you help me or not?
ME: Honestly, miss, I don’t know too many people who could take that job on… but I’ll transfer you to Housekeeping anyway. The robe was most likely removed when they cleaned your room yesterday. Don’t worry too much about it, okay?
GLADYS: Fine… I didn’t think you could help me anyway! What would one call the Bell Desk for anyway?
ME: If you need your luggage transported downstairs, give me a call… or if someone dies, of course.
GLADYS: You handle that?
ME: No, but I write a blog, so I’m always looking for material. Have a nice day!
And I immediately hung up the phone, cursing the fact that I couldn’t see the look on her face as she processed my scathing sarcasm.
But Fate wasn’t done with me yet, it seems. The phone rang again an hour later. Guess who was on the other end?
GLADYS: Yes, we haven’t found any dead bodies in the room… but we need help with our luggages!
ME: (Letting out a deep sigh out of range of the phone.) Of course you do. I’ll be right there, miss.
And so I made my way to the Fifth Level of Hell, otherwise known as Room 2415. And then the fun really began…
Gladys was a white, frazzled, sixty-year-old-woman who spoke in bounding exclamations – and had no filter whatsoever.
GLADYS: We’re going to go downstairs and get the car, now! I’m going to leave you behind to load the bags! Think you can handle everything from here!
“Here we go…”, I thought.
ME: I’m going to tell you what I told my wife on our honeymoon, miss: I’ll do my best. I can’t promise you’ll like everything I do… but I’ll get the job done. Feel free to vomit afterwards if you feel so inclined.
Gladys was traveling with her two granddaughters – one tween and one teen – and her own daughter. They all burst out into raucous laughter.
Gladys did not.
She just continued to ramble on as her family continued to laugh.
GLADYS: Just don’t forget anything!
ME: No one has ever deliberately forgotten anything, miss… though there’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
The laughter continued. Gladys merely turned away and set off to the lobby.
GLADYS’ DAUGHTER: Oh my… you’re HILARIOUS, Robert! We’ll see you downstairs for more jokes, I hope?
ME: I don’t think I should keep the routine going, ladies. Mom may not survive it.
After a moment of reflection, the cross-generational trio agreed. It’s best to quit when you’re ahead anyway, right?
This has been a public service announcement from The Hook. As per the norm (normal for my life, at least) there were no repercussions from my handling of the situation. Gladys tipped me, thanked me for my service and most likely made a vow to never return to Niagara Falls again.
See you in the lobby, kids…
You've Been Hooked! 
The next time you get a call from “Gladys”, try putting her on hold and leaving her there while you do something more important; like reading the latest issue of Nerdboys Weekly.
Good plan.
Bwahaha! You can tell when you’ve had a hard week because your handset is splintered. ha! Too funny hook. Keep up the good work.
Will do, Paul.
What if, people *did* start deciding to visit Niagara Falls – particularly your hotel? Because they wanted to see you?
Not that anyone in particular is planning to…you know…stalk you. 😉
Of course not…
If only those ninja supplies and “intro to how to be a ninja” book would hurry up and get here, I’m losing valuable time for stalking!
I will give Gladys credit for at least trying to joke by commenting about the lack of dead bodies to move later. The more I read your blog though the more I feel like I’ve been way too polite a hotel guest over the years. I must have made others in the industry wonder what was wrong with my upbringing.
Perish the thought!
We need more Allies in the hotel biz!
Gladys needs to exercise her funny bone. Ha!
No kidding!
I love the “bad connection” excuse…..I usually just say ‘hello, can you still hear me’ a couple of times and hang up.
Love it!
You are a never ending source of instruction. Bad connections are useful. Crinkling a candy wrapper works too…take the candy out first…sugar helps with the tolerance level?
But it can also male one as jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs…
It has been so long since Gladys has had a good hard laugh that I’m surprised she did not take advantage of the humor of the situation.
Golden-agers, man…
Yup. Wait! I’m one of those.
Oh my goodness, Hook – “I’ll do my best. I can’t promise you’ll like everything I do… but I’ll get the job done. Feel free to vomit afterwards if you feel so inclined.” SOO funny! And your wife said…?
I’m truly sorry to hear that Gladys didn’t laugh at that, but I am glad to hear there were no dead bodies in her room for you to relocate.
Do you need any dead bodies to move? Because I might know a guy…
I’m wondering what’s the age of the world’s youngest Gladys? 50?
Sounds about right.
Then again, some people are born old and cranky…
Is there ever a good mood to be in to deal with idiocy?
Brilliant. Where is the picture from?