Fun With Top Ten Lists and Philosophy.

After exploring the darkness that hides in the shadows cast by the bright neon lights of my hometown, I’ve decided to explore the dark humor generated by the many colorful characters that cross the threshold of my home away from home.

Our target today?

The anything-but-humble working girl who puts the “service” in service industry. Trust me, many of these young ladies are fully aware of the power they wield over their clients.

• Sex sells and so advertisers use it to full effect to sell everything. (Check out this European Sprite commercial and prepare to lift your jaw back up off the floor.)
• Normal, otherwise perfectly well-adjusted individuals will throw caution to the wind and sacrifice pretty much everything of value for sex. 
• Men have gone to war over sex – on every scale imaginable.

And so, armed with this knowledge, working girls will use what their mamas gave ’em and get paid, as Chris Rock used to say. Unfortunately, some of these young ladies burn out rather quickly and so consumers shopping in this field must educate themselves when it comes to distinguishing quality from skankiness.

Here are a few things top look for when shopping for a paid companion.

(And yes, I know hookers are people too, and should be treated with respect, but this is written in the spirit of fun, folks. So enjoy!)

Top Ten Signs Your Hooker is Low-Grade.

1)  She shows up with a walker and an oxygen tank.

2)  Instead of a hummer, she offers you a gummer.

3)  She breaks a hip getting undressed.

4)  Her Adam’s apple and abs are bigger than yours.

5)  For her, “food play” means she eats a bucket of chicken during coitus. 

6)  She’s so ugly, you tie her up and leave the room – for good.

7)  You pay her extra to stay dressed.

8)  She has a glass eye, a hook and a service dog.

9)  She doesn’t have a husky voice, she has labored breathing that resembles a female coal miner giving birth.

10)  She’s so fat, sex with her counts as a ménage à trois.

Top Ten Signs Your Family Vacation is Going To Suck.

1)  You’re forced to bring Grandma along – even though she died last week.

2)  Even your GPS says “You’re going where?” when you input a destination.

3)  Your destination’s state flag features vultures feasting on carrion.

4)  When you arrive at your hotel, the first thing you see is a sign that reads, “Now With Indoor Plumbing!”

5)  Your father brings his girlfriend along.  (To make matters worse, your parents aren’t even separated.)

6)  Dad, ever the cheapo, rents a Volkswagen – for your family of six.

7)  Your parents decide you should spend some time with Aunt Cathy at her farm. Unfortunately, the only thing Aunt Cathy produces at her farm these days is meth…

8)  The family’s “European Getaway” turns out to be two weeks in Russia – in December.

9)  Your mother brings her girlfriend along.

10)  Mom decides the family should take part in the “Fifty Shades of Grey Experience” in Las Vegas.

That’s all I have for you for now; today is a day that will live in infamy – in my little corner of the world, that is – as the hotel plays host to the wedding of the owner’s granddaughter and her beloved.

The hysteria level has reached zombie apocalypse proportions, as dozens of employees race around like proverbial headless chickens, desperate to dot every i and cross every t. Of course, you know blips will materialize on the radar and bumps will appear in the road, because that’s how life – and especially marriage – works.

The trick – and this applies to everyone involved in a wedding – is to look for the humor in every situation and to never forget that weddings are joyous, wonderful occasions that should serve to remind us of the beauty of love and life, even though the work and tension involved would drive the Pope to bungee jump off a bridge naked after snorting a line of coke off a hooker’s naked form.

And with that bit of philosophy, I bid you farewell, my good friends.

Enjoy your Saturday, folks.