Monday Morning Nutrition With Timmy.

We spend our entire childhood imagining how cool it would be to be “BIG”; to be able to drive a car, stay up late, drink alcohol or even engage in whatever activities grown-ups get up to late at night when they think we can’t hear them.

Then we grow up and we realize adulthood isn’t really about cruising, late night drunkfests or even enjoying a steady stream of orgasms. Being grown up is all about keeping your spouse happy, advancing your fortunes at work in order to keep your head above fiscal H2O, and if you’re lucky, maybe enjoying the occasional orgasm with a partner.

Let’s be honest, leaving childhood behind is a drag.

Kids get away with murder. Kids don’t even need to defend themselves when facing adult prosecution: “Go easy on him, dear. He’s just a kid. We can get another cat. And a new dishwasher.”

I just met a little guy who reminded me how perfect life can be before you start fearing the consequences of your actions. Let’s call my new best friend Timmy. (Originality is overrated, folks.)

Timmy rose from his evening slumber in a Niagara Falls hotel room on this particular  morning and decided that, for him, a breakfast of champions consisted of the following:

  • Three Red Bulls.
  • Five pieces of licorice.
  • An entire box of Entenmann’s mini-donuts.

(Don’t ask me where mom and dad were. From what I was able to gather from the kids, their parents were taking a shower together: “To save water. Because Canadians all do that.”)

As you can imagine, by Timmy’s standards this “meal” may have seemed appealing and even brilliant at the time, but his young body was unable to cash the check his mind had written….

And so young Timmy wheezed as I gathered his family’s luggage together and sorted it accordingly.

He groaned quietly as I loaded it onto my cart.

And when my work was done, he barfed all over the bell cart.

It was the greatest day of his life.

And truth  be told, I found it pretty awesome as well.

His family, not so much.

The Best Line of the Week Award goes to Timmy’s sister, whom he affectionately refers to as “Iron Mouth: “MOM! TIMMY BARFED ALL OVER THE LUGGAGE AND NOW THE ENTIRE HOTEL SMELLS LIKE RED BULL AND DONUTS! CAN I HAVE HIS ROOM?”

It goes without saying I suppose, but I’ll say it anyway, my job may not always pay the bills, but it sure lets me reconnect with my inner child sometimes.

Have a happy Monday, folks!

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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69 Responses to Monday Morning Nutrition With Timmy.

  1. They will do anything for attention.
    “his young body was unable to cash the check his mind had written” Somehow this really captures childhood’s hopes and dreams as they hit reality.
    A vacation to remember for sure.
    (and just another day in the life of a bellman who knows you might as well laugh.)

  2. Leaving childhood is a drag I want to be 10 again

  3. wisejourney says:

    Happy Monday…happy days…..happy week

  4. Was Red Bull even around when I was a kid? That stuff scares me. Young Timmy is much braver than I. Of course, I never barfed all over a bell cart full of luggage either.
    I hope his aim was sound and your cart was the only part of you that needed hosing down.
    Have a great day, Hook!

  5. Oh, you Canadians sure know how to live!

  6. unfetteredbs says:

    thanks for the smile..

  7. What?? Adulthood isn’t a giant drunkfest? I must be doing it wrong…

  8. Aww man…. I hope he didn’t get any on your uniform because I certainly don’t want to have to wash that out… 😦
    BTW – I am still trying to get your daughter out of bed. She has the doctors in 30 minutes and is still laying there in her pj’s… Happy Monday for me also!!!
    This should hopefully make your Monday better – SPARE RIBS for dinner tonight 🙂

    • The Hook says:

      Spare ribs rule!
      BTW, my uniform escaped the cascade of bodily fluid, thank fully. As for that kid of ours, she has the life, that’s for certain….

  9. michd74 says:

    I love the line “his young body wasn’t able to cash the check his mind had written” Brilliant. Poor Timmy is not going to have a great day!

  10. Yuck. You’re a lot cheerier around barf than I am………

  11. Hoorah Timmy!!! A giant, nasty barf is rewarding. My daughter threw up on a tire swing once, (the ones at the playground with the three chains holding it) crying and barfing and crying and barfing, spinning and barfing; the teacher couldn’t stop it and no one wanted to go near her…when she came home and told me this I couldn’t stop laughing. She was mad at first but we all ended up laughing our butts off. We often make her re-tell the story. BAAAARF ‘Help!’ BAAAARF ‘Help me!’ BAAARF.

    This was a good barf story Hook. Good barf story.

  12. Kevin says:

    Timmy is my new hero. And thank goodness those Canadian parents know when to conserve water!

    • The Hook says:

      They were quite eco-conscious, weren’t they?

      • Kevin says:

        I’m surprised they weren’t out in the hotel sprinklers washing each other off. Which reminds me of a story of some hot chicks camping next to us and I mentioned out loud that I wouldn’t mind helping the girl wash her hair in the sprinkler. Of course, my son then decided to yell out to the college girl that his father could help her with the hair washing. Oh jeez! At least I was in my late 20s or early 30s at the time. Now I’m the Dad ready to punch some guy in the head if he looks at my daughter.

  13. Katie says:

    Did you say licorice? I hope you called Child Protective Services.

  14. renxkyoko says:

    Barf means Vomit ?

  15. I wouldn’t go back to being a child again if you paid me all the Red Bulls and donuts in the world! Good story though 🙂

  16. South Bound says:

    Timmy reminds me why I have dogs!! And yes, they do vomit, but not after 3 cans of Red Bull!!

  17. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Bad move, Timmy! At least you didn’t have to clean it up, Robert.

  18. Love it! Never turn your back on the ocean….or Timmy.

  19. TBM says:

    Three Red Bulls. Half of one makes me ill.

  20. bardictale says:

    Made my day. Thanks^^

  21. mairedubhtx says:

    I wish we could get Entenmann’s down here. I miss their donuts. Among other things. And decent bagels. Sigh.

  22. You are so right about looking forward to adulthood as a kid only to find….it’s boring!
    When I read that little Timmy had 3 red bulls for breakfast I laughed out loud but also my heart broke for him a little bit. Because there is only one way for that to end, as you and your bell cart saw. Never a dull moment!

  23. oh yeah – when kids order breakfast! Nice to hear that Canadians are so environmentally minded though!

  24. Sounds like the exact opposite of my childhood. Yeah, I had fun, but I would never have been allowed to eat a breakfast like that. There are a lot of middle schoolers’ who run around with energy drinks bigger than they are. I just hope your cart was relatively easy to clean. XD

  25. Jeanne says:

    So that’s how you Canadians save water…works in the States too.

  26. Who doesn’t LOVE a vomit story?

  27. When my son was growing up he often asked it I hated being grown-up. (He saw how hard I worked–mostly for him and his sister.) Of course, I tried to explain. You change. Your needs are different. You may need to work very hard to get any satisfaction. But good childhood or bad, there’s no going back. If you or anyone figures out how to grow younger, let me know.

  28. Lady Lovely says:

    Kids will be kids! I hope you didn’t have to be the one to clean it, is all I can say!

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