And So It Begins…

My day began as it always does: I stepped over the threshold of concrete and glass and pledged my allegiance to the Niagara Falls hospitality industry.

For nine Earthly hours to be precise, although it should be noted that time flows at a different rate when one gives oneself over to the service of others. Minutes become hours, hours days; it’s all very complicated and deeply depressing at times.

HOOK’S NOTE: When one refers to oneself as “one”, it is not an indicator of the onset of dementia, merely the ravings of an overactive imagination stifled by a sometimes toxic environment.

Clad in my armor – in my case, a well-worn cloth outfit – I ascended from the bowels of the hotel to take my place in the lobby and await the clarion call to action.

There was a wave of static electricity in the air, as though a storm was on the horizon. I paid it little mind and focused on the task at hand; preparing my mind and body for the long day ahead. My first guest contact brought with it a revelation and a reminder.

The revelation? March Break had truly begun.

The reminder? Mankind still has along way to go to reach the top of the evolutionary ladder…

JOE GENERIC: (Seriously, this gentleman was as unassuming as white milk, with the personality to match. Even his two blonde, blue-eyed young kids looked as though they emerged from pods.) Hey, Boss! Could I have one of those things?

THE HOOK: I’m sorry, sir, to which “things” are you referring?

He was referring to a luggage cart, of course, but I feel it is my duty to educate the lower classes, in the hopes they can someday pull themselves up and find their place in the world.

JG: You know, those rolly cart thingies!

THE HOOK: I can only assume you mean a luggage cart, sir. They come with a bellman.

JG: Do I have to pay?

Inside, I was sighing the sigh of the defeated. But outside, I was smiling (I do that occasionally!) and I persevered.

THE HOOK: A gratuity is customary, not mandatory, sir.

JG: Uh…..

Held the same monotone note for what felt like forever. Finally, I ended his misery.

THE HOOK: Tell you what, sir, why don’t you go back to the room, gather your things and call down when you’re ready to leave. There is a a “Bell Desk” speed dial button on the phone.

JG: Is it hard to use? Because I have trouble with technology sometimes…

THE HOOK: We’ve done our best to outfit the hotel with technology that is user-friendly for middle-aged, white males, sir. You should be fine.

JG: Is there any rush? My daughter and her boyfriend are up there alone right now working on homework…

This gentleman was the gift that kept giving…

THE HOOK: I’m sorry, sir, did you say your daughter was alone in the room with her boyfriend. Working on homework? On the weekend before March Break?

JG: Yeah, my wife couldn’t make it, she went away with her girlfriends, so I brought the two younger kids. My fifteen-year-old daughter only agreed to come if I let her boyfriend join us.

THE HOOK: So your wife went away with her girlfriends while you took your children to Niagara Falls for March Break?

JG: She’s in Vegas! I’m taking the kids to Toronto now!

I have to hand it to him: he was clueless, but chipper as Hell…

THE HOOK: (I made an honest effort, but I couldn’t help but laugh.) Tell you what, sir, why don’t we go up to the room together? We’re on the verge of total anarchy as the check-out crowd really gets moving. I’m sure your daughter and her boyfriend can study in the car.

So we made our way upstairs and as we approached his room door, things fell into place:

  • My ears, honed by years of listening through wooden doors, picked up the unmistakeable sounds of young lovers who were about to receive a rude awakening.
  • Joe Generic opened the door and walked right in.
  • His daughter shattered the sound barrier with an ear-piercing “DADDY!!!”
  • Joe Generic literally jumped back out of the room, panting as though he’d seen a ghost – a naked ghost that was having sex with his daughter.
  • His pod children, who had been standing behind him as he entered the Red Room of Pain, shuffled back, turned to each other and declared in giggly voices”They were doing it!”

Joe Generic just stood motionless, panting and shaking his head, no doubt pondering the cost of therapy. For his entire family. For my part, there was only one thing to say.

THE HOOK: I did not see that coming.

JOE GENERIC: Um, I think we’ll be fine on our own from here, Boss.

THE HOOK: Understood, sir.

JG: Here, let me give you something for your time…

THE HOOK: No need to worry about that, sir.

You really can’t put a price on precious blog fodder.

And so my March Break began, with both a whimper and a bang….

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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70 Responses to And So It Begins…

  1. paralaxvu says:

    This is one of those posts that need a “love” button, not merely a “like” one!

  2. Ghost says:

    Ah life……….. 🙂

  3. renxkyoko says:

    Did that really happen , Mr. Hook ? o.Oa

  4. JackieP says:

    The dad really was clueless wasn’t he? I mean duhhhh. Sure leave a 15-yr-old-girl with her boyfriend alone. uh huh. That’s like…..well letting the wife have a weekend with the ‘girls’ in Vegas! bwahahahha

  5. Pyx says:

    The Hook did not see that coming?
    Yeah… right.
    A classy ending however, the blog fodder is tip enough! Well done Knight Hook of the roller thingies.
    Do enjoy March Break as much as ‘one’ in service can, polish the armor, eat well and drink plenty of water and keep us posted, we spectators salute you.

  6. twindaddy says:

    It’s just great because I KNOW you knew how this was going to end. Hahahaha. Score one for The Hook!

  7. List of X says:

    On your slow tip day, you can just say “No compensation is necessary. Being able to write about this incident on my very popular blog would be compensation enough.”

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    Your stories are hilarious, and I love reading them. But I’m also going to be on my very best behavior if I ever go to Niagara Falls and request the help of a bellman…

  9. Jennifer says:

    How could you NOT see that coming?? A funny start to a dreary morning here.

  10. Lady Lovely says:

    Simply awesome! I always forget to put my coffee down when I read your blog. I sip and sip away, forgetting I’ll burst out laughing!

    • The Hook says:

      You need a bib and a screen protector!
      I wish I could duplicate your love for my blog and broadcast it across the world.
      Thanks for the support!

  11. robincoyle says:

    “Bang and a whimper” Brilliant.

  12. filledandfooled says:

    Oh my, wow. I’m so glad you suggested heading up there! Perfection. You should have a blog about this shit….or a book! Wait! Dammit the world needs to meet The Hook.

  13. Oh, the stories you could tell……….oh wait, you do! Lucky us!

  14. Your blog is as good as an I Love Lucy episode – you always know it’s going to be wild, crazy, and hilarious. You’re good, Hook.

  15. SidevieW says:

    You are my kind of evil 😉

    I must remember to avoid hotels….

  16. mairedubhtx says:

    How could a father leave his daughter alone with her boyfriend in a room with a BED and think nothing would happen?! He really must have been clueless, Robert. My parents would NEVER have let my boyfriend come on vacation with us, let alone leave him in a room with me. Good God! What is this world coming to? Parents need to be parents. Too bad some are such wimps.

  17. "HE WHO" says:

    Duh! And we know that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, don’t we? This guy will eventually wake up and find himself in a world of hurt, don’t cha think?

  18. jlheuer says:

    And thus Spring Break begins. I am sure in the following weeks you will beat that story numerous times. Looking forward to it.

  19. susielindau says:

    This is the best story yet! Oh, that poor guy and his wife will kill him!

  20. Men can be sooooooooooooo clueless when it comes to their daughters. I would love to be a fly on the wall when he explains to his wife how stupid he was. Actually, the ride home could be pretty amusing as well. I suppose the young lad will be on a bus on his own.
    I’ll look forward to more of these this week…I just love to laugh…out loud!

  21. Funny tale once again, Hook!

  22. Diane C says:

    “wimper and a bang” heeheehee. You have tickled my juvenile funny bone again!

  23. 1jaded1 says:

    You are SO bad…in the best kind of way!

  24. Do you think he is really that naive? If so, I wonder what his wife is really up to.

  25. denmother says:

    This all makes for one interesting car ride to Toronto….

  26. Daile says:

    I wish we knew what the wife was really up to! You should have asked him to check back with the hotel as a follow up. Ha ha

  27. Katie says:

    Oh goodness, I knew where this was going as soon as you mentioned a 15 year old girl, her boyfriend, and “studying.”

  28. hahahaha so, so, so… I enjoyed the story 🙂 Life it is!
    But that JG is so clueless! LOL

  29. wisejourney says:

    …… A suitably broad smile

  30. Pingback: Ten things you didn’t know about Miss Four Eyes | Miss Four Eyes

  31. As we face a future holding possibilities of a whimper or a bang ( as you have put it!), what would be our motivation and the choice?
    An absolutely superb post. So full of warmth and inspiration.
    Thank you.


  32. MissFourEyes says:

    Haha! He’s the most clueless dad/husband in the world!
    Hmm…wonder what the wife’s up to

  33. The Cutter says:

    I laugh and then i remember that I have a daughter.

  34. Gotta feel a teensy bit sorry for the guy… I mean, really..! Not only is he about to become a single dad, he’s also gonna be ‘in the market’…. Can you imagine the players who’ll be rubbing their hands together when they see him coming….!?! Oh, wait on; he’ll probably be too busy to date; he’ll more than likely be at home looking after the grandchildren……
    Forget I said anything, my dear Hook…. He’ll be just fine…. 😉

  35. elenamusic says:

    Wow, I love your answer, “customary, not mandatory”. And this guy is a total idiot. Doing homework? Wow, wait until she gets pregnant. That’ll be a great vacation trip! And the Red Room of Pain, great shoutout, reading Fifty Shades Darker right now.

  36. Somehow we are related…because you and I both think that the same things are FUNNY as HELL…that my friend was one of them. You are soooo awesome!

  37. Pingback: Very Inspiring Blogger Award! | Confessions of a Preacher's Daughter

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