How Cold Is It In Canada, Really?

It’s so cold in Canada…

ONE)  “I just saw a beaver hire a construction crew to build his… well, I’m not allowed to say the word… but you get it right?  It was too cold for Mr. Beaver to be in the water, that’s how cold it was!” – Seven-year-old Timmy (I swear that’s the name his lazy progenitors came up with!) from Boston, a particularly-happy guest who tipped me out of his own Spider-Man wallet. Timmy rocked.


Beautiful or not, this is too much for some folks.


TWO)  A Mexican family cut their stay to Canada short by two weeks and headed back home rather than deal with, “This crazy Canadian weather!  We’d rather take a job building Mr. Trump’s wall than spend another second in this frozen country!”


THREE)  All tea is currently considered iced tea.

Yeah, that one sucked, but it’s the thought that counts, right?


FOUR)  I took a deep breath during my morning walk to work and It’s so cold I chipped my tooth on the frigid air.



FIVE)  His political opponents are burning Justin Trudeau in effigy just to stay warm.

“Screw this weather!  I’m flying to Florida.. later, you frozen bitches!”


SIX)  My dog went outside to empty her bladder and came back in dragging a lemon popsicle behind her…


SEVEN)  The doormen and valet drivers are looking for empty oil drums to turn into outdoor heaters, hobo style.  (I guess I shouldn’t have suggested the idea in the first place.)


EIGHT)  The squirrels in my neighborhood are actually surrendering themselves to the Humane Society just to have a warm place to hang out.  (Seriously, a group of squirrels actually tried to walk into the front door of our local HS.)


NINE)  It’s so cold Tim Hortons franchise owners like Ron Joyce Jr., heir to one of the founders, took off to Florida after taking away his employees’ paid break, paid benefits and other perks.

Oh wait, he did that because he’s a greedy douche. Never mind.


TEN)  It’s so cold in Canada that…

You know what? you can finish this one in the comments, right? Have fun with it.


See you in the frozen lobby friends…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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49 Responses to How Cold Is It In Canada, Really?

  1. Even the icicles have icicles!

    Oh well Robert, I tried. Enjoy your iced tea. 🙂

  2. It’s so cold in Canada that as I type this my fingers froze to the Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

  3. C.E.Robinson says:

    It’s so cold in Canada l’m staying in SoCal. Today’s high will be 75 F. 😎

  4. Tara says:

    It’s so cold in Canada, there are no nipples left. (I didn’t know how to fit this into my next blog post so, you’re welcome.)

  5. ladyryl says:

    It’s so cold in Canada the Calgary zoo brought their penquins indoors, just to be on the safe side.

  6. It is so cold in Canada the Canadian geese changed their name to the Galveston geese and aren’t coming back.

  7. It’s so cold in Canada that hockey players are moving to South America and taking up soccer.

  8. Doug in Oakland says:

    It’s not just Canada. It’s so cold in Florida that the iguanas are falling out of the trees. Of course it doesn’t have to get all that cold for them to do that, but they don’t know that…

  9. StillWaters says:

    It’s so cold in Ottawa, a flasher came up to me on Bank Street and described himself to me.
    (From a Rich Little concert many years ago.)

  10. Austin says:

    It’s so cold in Canada that only very stable world leaders even dare walk around outside…

  11. oceanswater says:

    Brrrrr ❄️❄️❄️❄️ Robert. Come visit our beautiful state where it’s between mid to high 70s daily. ☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

  12. Theresa says:

    It’s so cold in Canada I farted snowflakes today! Sorry that’s kinda crude, but funny!

  13. StillWaters says:

    Further to my flasher post: Something like that actually kind of happened. A friend & I left a restaurant and went to get my car in a parking lot. It was one of those jeesly cold (as Ron James might say) Ottawa winter nights. I turned on the headlights and there was a guy some yards in front of us, unobstructed by any cars, taking a leak against a building. He turned in the spotlight and displayed his wares. My friend waved, I honked the horn, and we exited the parking lot laughing our heads off and wondering if his willie would get frost bite. Gawd, I haven’t thought about that in decades!!

  14. shimoniac says:

    What in the world was a Mexican family thinking to come to Canada in winter? Cold, snow and more cold is kind of what we’re known for. I hope you told them that they should come back in February when it really gets chilly. 😀

  15. Brits are moaning because the temperature has had the temerity to sink into minus double figures

  16. It’s 22°C in India and it’s cold outside. 😉

  17. That your penguins at the zoo had to be brought inside!!! True story… you guys are crazy cold! 💨❄🌨

  18. It was so cold that it wasn’t just cold,,,It was FUCKING cold!

  19. curvyroads says:

    Hilarious, Robert! 🙂

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