The Hook’s Guide To Surviving A Canadian Winter In Niagara: Traveler Edition.

Travel expands our horizons (while simultaneously emptying our bank accounts) and helps us accept that each of us is but a small cog in the grand universal machine that is the planet Earth.

But where you temporarily hang your hat is as important as what you do while it’s hanging. Canada is a beautiful country and Niagara Falls is one of it’s most amazing cities/landmarks. That said…

It’s cold here right now. Damn cold. In fact, it’s too cold for the preceding periods to grow into exclamation marks, that’s how cold it is, kids.

Nevertheless, as a traveler you may still be tempted to make your way North, to the great nation that is Canuck Land. If so, you’ll need my assistance to keep your journey into paradise from descending into a trip to a frozen hell.


ONE)  Put away your perceptions of my home and native land.  Yes, at the moment Niagara Falls and most of the country are enjoying (no, that’s not right, is it?)… experiencing a helluva cold snap (that’s better!) but no, that’s not reason enough to stay away. However…

It isn’t always like this.

Most travelers (especially Americans) are convinced Canada is a frozen wasteland all year round. That just isn’t true. There is a long period where we enjoy (now it’s appropriate) temps so tropical they make swamp ass a daily challenge. (Don’t you just love my imagery? I paint a sticky picture with words.) Of course, that period only lasts from 5:18 on the first Friday in June to 5:25 the same day… but we make the most of it.

So Canada isn’t frigid all the time. Not all Canadians use a dogsled to get to work. But regardless of the temperature, there is always something to do when the mercury dips.

Like what? I’m so glad you asked…


TWO)  Do your homework, Poindexter!  I’ll never stop saying this so get used to it; it pays to use your electronic device for more than just watching cat videos and Mercedes Carerra films (which I guess can still be considered cat videos). Search out the deets on your chosen destination. Figure out if you’re going to be vacationing in a place where they embrace the snow and ice for time-honored Canadian activities such as skiing, sledding, frozen cow tipping, naked snowball fights (as one would imagine, these battles don’t last long) and the classic, “drink your beer outside… until it becomes a bottled popsicle”.

Some destinations like Niagara have plenty of icy precipitation to spare but not much in the way of glacialcentric past times. People show up to see the winter Festival of Lights and the Falls in all their winter glory but it’s not like they can scale the cataracts or ski down them. Well, to be honest, I suppose you could ski down them.



THREE)  In spite of what the media would have you believe… THE FALLS DO NOT FREEZE OVER!  Don’t get me wrong, there is an insane amount of frozen glaze all over Niagara Falls but fortunately there isn’t enough to hold back all that rushing water. If there was, I’d be writing this post from Florida.

So if you’re disappointed that Niagara Falls doesn’t actually resemble Arendelle, you have no one to blame but yourself. You’ve been warned.

Before you start with me… technically, the water is still flowing, so the Falls aren’t actually frozen over.


FOUR) Don’t forget to pack clean underwear!  To be specific, clean thermal underwear. I realize it’s not sexy: there’s nothing worse than being with a lover and having their hands stop their bodily exploration when they reach that thick layer of cotton… but you can always take your thermal gotchies off before getting frisky.

As for the rest of the time, trust me when I tell you a high-quality thermal layer will actually protect your genitals from freezing, so that you can enjoy coitus as much as humanly possible. As long as you know what you’re doing, of course. If you don’t, well, this isn’t that kind of blog…


FIVE)  Turn what some perceive as Niagara’s weakness into your advantage.  So what if it’s freezing outside and there isn’t much to do? The rates are cheap and the weather is a perfect excuse to book a sexcation.


“The room’s a little cold and he decided to raise the temperature by adjusting the thermostat?  I actually shaved for this?”


In other words, dump the kids at grandma’s (or leave them a dish of food and water), book some time off work, stop by the pharmacy or love boutique for the essentials, get to Niagara, and start boinking!

I’m sorry that was slightly classless, wasn’t it? I suppose “porking” is slightly more upscale, isn’t it? The point is, you can use the frozen temps to justify getting sticky in the room while remembering why you’re with your loved one in the first place. (Deep emotional bonds are great, of course, but being sexually compatible helps bucket loads .)

I’m a sexual genius.


And on that coital note, see you in the lobby, friends…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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32 Responses to The Hook’s Guide To Surviving A Canadian Winter In Niagara: Traveler Edition.

  1. I think pork is a little above boink and somewhat below plow. Loved the post, Hook

  2. Lol…I can’t remember the last time I heard the word ‘boinking’!!

  3. Haha! You really are a genius.

  4. I can attest to the fact that it gets bloody hot in Canada. Just not at this time of year. Mind you, it’s been a bit parky across 90% of the US too, so they can’t really point the finger of blame at you, can they?

  5. Boink is higher class than pork. It has a more playful ring whereas pork sounds so butcher!

  6. dianaepona says:

    Hey! We’re wearing our sexy thermal underduds down here in Middle Earth, too! They do add a little bit of extra padding should one slip and fall on one’s keester, then glide down the hill that is one’s home street on ice, salt and sand. But, I digress. Awesome post, Hook! (I still have to contact your PM about the paper towels he owes me.)

  7. My brother misread my letter and wondered what I was doing in my BONKING days (it was in fact ‘banking’). Happy New Year Robert.

  8. Allie P. says:

    I am always amused those random days when our weather report shows lower temperatures here than where you are. I’ve seen a day when it was colder at my place than in Antarctica once before, which I guess shouldn’t be as surprising as it was considering it is summer in Antarctica at the moment, but still. Crazy weather. Always mixing it up (except in San Diego). Stay warm!

  9. Funny thing, my daughter just asked me if I’d travel up to Niagara Falls with her and her three young kids during their April break. I said, “Sure!” even though we’ll probably spend most of the time in a hot tub. Really? What IS April like in your frozen tundra of the world?
    Stay warm. It’s a cozy 10 degrees here in NE with a new foot of snow.
    I wish I had a hot tub…

  10. As much as I love my home town, Niagara, and visit as often as I can. It is too friggin’ cold to go anywhere right now. I am going to have to see if they have that thermal underwear in super duper size.

  11. Tara says:

    What is your current temp? It is currently 12 degrees here in my part of Maryland, up from FOUR degrees on Monday. At this rate, I don’t need to leave home to experience obscene cold. And I don’t know which is worse – pumping gas or walking from my car to my office building.

  12. Austin says:

    Do these tips convert from metrics to be used in Maine?

  13. Great guide for people dumb enough to go where it’s cold ON PURPOSE!! Geez… That I do not understand!! 🤔🤔

  14. curvyroads says:

    Glad to see you got your hilarious back, Robert! Swamp ass…now that’s something we know about down here in Georgia! 😀

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