Saturday, April 18, 3 pm.
An over-crowded hotel lobby in Niagara Falls: As I stared out at the massing horde, a specific family caught my attention. And so the following pearl sprung into existence.
“Men (and women, for that matter), never, ever date a cougar with an uber-hot daughter who likes to adorn herself in the uniform of a slutty Catholic schoolgirl. Bad things can only happen.”
Unless you have exceptional self-control, of course.
Which the poor middle-aged bastard I was observing did not posses. At all. This clueless bugger was literally vibrating as he stood off to one side, visibly drooling as his eyes scoured every… single… inch of his girlfriend’s daughter’s young, ridiculously-nubile form.
Here’s an approximation of what this guy was dealing with…
To be clear, this image really isn’t far from the reality; this girl may have been a diabolically mad genius who knew exactly what she was doing to her creator’s consort. She paraded back and forth in the lobby as her mom parked the car, all the while, her possible step-dad continued to sweat through his tweed sport coat.
No wonder I love my job.
Care For One More?
There’s always room for one more right?
A young couple was attempting to steer their brood through the lobby, but their rugrats weren’t making it easy. In fact, their youngest boy decided he was going to stop and rest.
In the middle of the lobby.
And when mom tried to move her little demon spawn?
“I’m not moving! And you can’t make me… you she-devil!”
Lord knows where this little thumbscrew picked up that turn of phrase, but it worked; his mother flung her arms in the air (like she just couldn’t be bothered to care), and basically gave up. Personally, if the little guy had called my wife a she-devil, he would have indeed stayed put… but only because his backside had been whacked beyond recognition.
Never let the parenting ship get out of control, young parents. Keep both hands on the wheel at all times and make sure every passenger knows the score. Otherwise, you’ll know exactly how the captain of the Titanic felt.
See you in the lobby, kids…