Saturday, April 18, 3 pm.
An over-crowded hotel lobby in Niagara Falls: As I stared out at the massing horde, a specific family caught my attention. And so the following pearl sprung into existence.
“Men (and women, for that matter), never, ever date a cougar with an uber-hot daughter who likes to adorn herself in the uniform of a slutty Catholic schoolgirl. Bad things can only happen.”
Unless you have exceptional self-control, of course.
Which the poor middle-aged bastard I was observing did not posses. At all. This clueless bugger was literally vibrating as he stood off to one side, visibly drooling as his eyes scoured every… single… inch of his girlfriend’s daughter’s young, ridiculously-nubile form.
Here’s an approximation of what this guy was dealing with…
To be clear, this image really isn’t far from the reality; this girl may have been a diabolically mad genius who knew exactly what she was doing to her creator’s consort. She paraded back and forth in the lobby as her mom parked the car, all the while, her possible step-dad continued to sweat through his tweed sport coat.
No wonder I love my job.
Care For One More?
There’s always room for one more right?
A young couple was attempting to steer their brood through the lobby, but their rugrats weren’t making it easy. In fact, their youngest boy decided he was going to stop and rest.
In the middle of the lobby.
And when mom tried to move her little demon spawn?
“I’m not moving! And you can’t make me… you she-devil!”
Lord knows where this little thumbscrew picked up that turn of phrase, but it worked; his mother flung her arms in the air (like she just couldn’t be bothered to care), and basically gave up. Personally, if the little guy had called my wife a she-devil, he would have indeed stayed put… but only because his backside had been whacked beyond recognition.
Never let the parenting ship get out of control, young parents. Keep both hands on the wheel at all times and make sure every passenger knows the score. Otherwise, you’ll know exactly how the captain of the Titanic felt.
See you in the lobby, kids…
You've Been Hooked! 
If I’d pulled that rug rat’s trick, my ass would have been tanned, either by the application of a parental hand, or by rug burn as I was dragged by my ankle 800 feet through the hotel to the room door. My father would have gone the long way around to make sure the message was received.
Having said that, I would never have behaved like that, I was brought up with respect by my parents and to respect my parents.
And it shows.
Love both stories. Rugrat obviously has mama fooled. Future stepdad is cruisin’ for a bruisin’ even if mama doesn’t catch him.
Most definitely, John.
Wow… sometimes I sincerely do NOT feel sorry for some parents. Because the little bugger learned that behavior from SOMEONE and I dare to say… it was NOT at nursery school. That old cliche of “what goes around, comes around” is so true! Be careful how you act and what you say in front of children because they are the epitome of the proverbial parrot and will emulate exactly what they see and hear! As for the “middle-aged” guy, he is simply thinking with the wrong “head”! LOL! later gator….
See you in awhile, crocodile…
How the hell can Jimmy Fallon resist coming up there and doing the show live for a week from your lobby! Great stuff, as always! 🙂
I have no idea, Austin.
Try as I might, I just can’t reach Jimmy.
Or his “people”.
Have you tried looking for James? I think he avoids the masses by using that alias. 🙂
She-devil? Who says that?
You’d be surprised…
Whew – great stories as usual Hook. That school girl nymph bodes no good for the man’s relationship with her mother. Well observed sir.
I try, Paul.
Where do all these “fascinating” people come from? Must be from another planet. 😮
No, they’re every bit as human as you and I.
Sort of.
I feel like the Catholic school hasn’t really worked out for the kid in both of these stories.
As usual, your instincts are spot-on, X…
That mother needs a drink. Both of them.
Oh yeah…
As I read the first part, I was thinking “ICK”.
And then, “Double ICK”.
I find your first story more interesting. I am bisexual and currently dating a man who’s got a very good-looking daughter that looks somewhat like the girl in the photo above. She’s being sweet to me because of my relationship to her Dad. I get this strange feeling whenever the girl and I are together. Both of them (I’m crazy about the father, though) have no idea.
Great blog you’ve got here.