The majority of my guest interactions are limited to the standard formula: I load-up/drop-off the luggage, hopefully receive a tip, answer a question or two and move on. However, on those rare occasions that I share a small piece of my inner being with a guest, amazing things can happen.
Well, at the very least, mildly interesting things…
THE QUESTION: (Posed by a freshly-minted bride after learning I have been with Mrs. Hook for almost twenty years.) “Wow, you’ve been married for 18 years! What’s the secret?”
THE ANSWER: (My answer, at least.)
“To begin with, be prepared to embrace the notion of Acceptance.”
“As in accepting the other person for who they really are, as opposed to who you want them to be?”
“No, as in accepting the fact that no marriage is perfect. Far from it, in fact. Prepare to feel completely screwed at times, because unless you married a machine you’re going to have to deal with human failings on a regular basis. The trick is to find the right person to screw up with.”
“Really. And be prepared to fight. A lot.”
“Really?” she repeated, giggling all the while.
“Couples that don’t fight are more likely to divorce or step out of the marriage. If you love someone, I mean really love someone, you need to have passion. And passion isn’t limited to the good times.”
“I guess that’s where make-up sex comes in.” she whispered, fearful someone would hear her in a deserted ballroom.
We were packing up the remnants of her wedding extravaganza and her curious mind couldn’t resist picking my brain. And so I shared a few bits of my wisdom concerning the fields of marriage and interpersonal relationships between those who have a penis and those who do not.
1) When cohabitating with a person of opposite gender, it is best to break wind deliberately. Break the ice, as it were. It’s going to happen anyway, so you might as well take control of your destiny – and bodily functions – and get it over with.
2) Guys, always put a gift away in a secure place, for a rainy day when you need a “get out of jail free” card. (Trust me, you never know when its going to pour.)
3) WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. (If I have to explain this, you’re already dead.)
4) If you can’t master that which you don’t know, find a friend who can. In my case, this applies to virtually all home repairs. But remember, I mean well.
5) The past will always return to bite you in the ass, so always try to tell your partner as much of the truth as you can. Personally, this rule has saved my bacon more times than I can count. Lies will sink you, my friends.
DISCLAIMER: I have been informed by my wife that I do not actually posses “wisdom” per se, I have opinions, some of which are “the ramblings of a dumbass.” In my defense, I am a dumbass who means well.
I rarely write about the inner workings of the micro-reality that is my place of business – which explains why I’m still working here while writing a blog about the hotel biz – but sometimes things happen that are worth bending the rules for.
1) We’ve replaced the giant fish tanks in our rooftop restaurant with two 51-inch televisions – that play a loop of fish swimming in a tank.
2) My job depends on my ability to expedite my duties quickly and efficiently; that becomes next to impossible when my resources are depleted by other departments. While questioning a colleague about missing carts his fellow renovators have appropriated, I found myself fighting the urge to bang my head slowly and quietly against the basement walls.
“No sir, I don’t have ’em!” was my colleague’s “honest” response. No sooner had the words left his forked tongue when my eyes caught a glimpse of three familiar sets of wheels rolling by at the end of the hall…
Thirty minutes later, three carts had been recovered. Thirty-one minutes later I remembered the limitations of my pay grade. I’m not the guy who gets paid to worry about such matters and so I’ve resolved to let others sweat the small stuff.
3) A group of squealing teenage girls spent a full twenty minutes drooling at the site of a construction worker slicing up metal braces with a motorized saw. (And you’re correct if you’re assuming my knowledge of power tools is quite limited.) The young ladies were hypnotized and released a series of high-pitched screams as sparks flew across his manly frame. (Honestly, their combined pitch had every canine within thirty miles howling like a group married men at a bachelor party. In Vegas.)
“That’s so cool!” they giggled in unison. “You really know what you’re doing!”
“Well, I know how to handle my tool!” was his porn star-worthy retort.
He then lifted a Tim Hortons coffee to his lips, walked away…. and tripped over a pile of rubble as he looked back at his pack of followers.
I love my job and the point of view it affords me.
Be well, my friends.
A COUPLE OF THINGS BEFORE WE PART WAYS…
June is in sight, my friends, so here is another plug for what is sure to the kick-ass event of The Hook’s summer…
This week I finally received complimentary copies of my book, Red Circle Days. I can’t begin to express what it feels like to hold my published book in my hands, see my words in print, my face on the back cover!
We all have dreams, and as we strive to make those dreams a reality the road is ever-changing. The smoothly paved stretches can be encouraging yet also deceiving at times, causing us to relax a bit and slow our pace, never anticipating the mountainous climb that awaits just around the bend. As we turn the corner and come face to face with yet another obstacle on our path, another winding twist, we take pause and wonder if we have what it takes to continue the journey.
In light of this reality, we question our very dream, the dream that at one time energized, lit a fire in us that we vowed nothing and no one would ever extinguish. It is when the climb is the steepest, that we allow the thought of quitting to enter our mind, overshadowing all the visions we spent so much time playing and replaying in our mind, like the reel on an old plastic viewfinder…each click an indicator that we’ve left one image behind for our eyes to focus on another, yet each image is part of the bigger picture we must always keep in our line of vision.
In that moment, the moment of doubt, the moment of questioning, the moment of fear, we may slow down or even come to a complete stop – weighed down with insecurity. The important thing is to take a deep breath, revisit that technicolored dream and allow ourselves to believe once more.
Those of you who have expressed an interest in a signed copy of the book, please contact me directly to place your order. Those who have already purchased a copy, I thank you for making me one of the Publisher’s Top Sellers right now, but even more for your support!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
May 9 has come and gone, so put aside the gas bill and your kid’s college fund contribution and pick up Leanne Shirtliffe’s first literary offering…