Brain-Teasers, Cougars, Wattpad and Bankers…

Another Sunday morning battle has come and gone and the bellmen have emerged relatively unscathed.

Not that we didn’t have our share of scraps, though; there were cougars everywhere today and for some reason they were nuttier than ever…


The question is only exceeded in simplicity by “Are you breathing, ladies?”. And yet, every single group of ladies – whether they had two bags or twenty – simply couldn’t grasp it. These women could recite the contents of every single sex article published in Cosmopolitan since 1985 but they couldn’t take an accurate count while examining their own luggage.

Exposed Nipple on Cosmopolitan Magazine cover ...

Exposed Nipple on Cosmopolitan Magazine cover from 1976 (Photo credit: DBarefoot)

To be fair, the question seemed to stump everyone (one gentleman was so confused he had to go back upstairs to his room and bring his wife back with him!), but the “crazy cougs” seemed to be especially dumbfounded today.

“Do we really need to tell you that, hon?” was my favorite cougar query of the day.

My response put things in perspective: “I’m not asking your ages or if you’ve remained faithful during your stay, ladies. You’re getting off easy.”

“Not usually!” was the response from another cougar.

The resulting laughter defused the ticking time-bomb of estrogen that was threatening to explode at my desk.

My buddy, Rockin’ Ronnie (a bass player extraordinaire), found himself face-to-wrinkled-face with an especially nutty cougar: she simply couldn’t grasp the check-in process:

  • When staying at a full-service property, ask for a bellman.
  • Accompany the bellman to your car.
  • Tell the bellman which bags you would like brought to the room.
  • Give the bellman your room number.
  • Go to your room and wait for said bellman.

In case you missed it, “bellman” is the key word here; if this cougar has simply let Ronnie take over, she would have been in her room and rifling though her bags for that “special massage device” in no time. But no. she had to stare at him like a deer caught in headlights. When all was said and done – and it took a while, trust me – she floored Ronnie with this nugget of info: “I’ve stayed here twenty-six times!”

Twenty-six times? And she still couldn’t even grasp the concept of a full-service hotel?

And people wonder why my hair is falling out….

One last thing – as Columbo used to say – Niagara Fall is playing host to hundreds of bankers this week. I wonder what will happen when I get a priest to bless the bottled water in the rooms? Just for fun, of course.


A shout-out to my blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…



Some of you have already read this, but my first foray into fiction is now available on Wattpad. If you’re not familiar with this site, it allows writers to post pieces they want to share with the world free-of-charge – feedback is the currency of choice at Wattpad – so although my story is extremely short, I’m hoping people will let me know if I’m on the right track. You can click here or scroll over the pic below…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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35 Responses to Brain-Teasers, Cougars, Wattpad and Bankers…

  1. As always, hilarious! 🙂

    You are indeed a keen observer of the human condition in all it’s wonder and shame. How did you become so self-aware?

  2. Michael says:

    So glad that you referenced Columbo. One of my favorite shows, that is.

  3. Jillian says:

    Wow, I can’t believe life is so hard for some people.. 🙂

  4. Jennifer says:

    I think the term cougar (here especially) is an insult to their namesakes. The animal would never be so stupid.

  5. leah says:

    The bankers should have been in town today to help the cougars count their bags. Can’t wait to read how this week goes with dem crazy bankers! Columbo ruled. L.

  6. susielindau says:

    Too funny! She sounds like a trip!

  7. I’m so glad I’m not a Cougar.. I only pack one suitcase:D

  8. I’m concerned…! Does VampireLover like bald men…!?!

  9. MissFourEyes says:

    “I’m not asking your ages or if you’ve remained faithful during your stay, ladies. You’re getting off easy.” hahaaaa!

  10. TBM says:

    I need to learn to pack more than one bag…I feel like a lazy traveler with just one bag.

  11. Fiona says:

    If hotel walls could speak, would we want to hear what they had to say? I’m thinking it would be way TMI!
    It doesn’t take much intelligence to recite all those magazine’s stories since the ’80s, they seem to simply rearrange the words a little. Same story, just a bit different!

  12. mairedubhtx says:

    Asking for the number of bags is not an easy question. To know the answer, oe has to be able to COUNT!Many of said cougars cannot accomplish this task. You are asking the impossible. Give the ladies a break.

  13. becca3416 says:

    I deal with people who can’t read on a daily basis. I too, am losing hair. I feel your pain.

  14. Jo Bryant says:

    So your hair is falling out ??? Or are you pulling it out ????

  15. jlheuer says:

    How long you been trying to work that 1976 nipple cover into a post ?

  16. Great cougar post my man! (Especially the Cosmo nipple slip shot.)

  17. Pingback: Just Another Saturday Night… | You've Been Hooked!

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