More Travel Tips From The Hook.

As any detective or reporter worth their salt will tell you, the key to understanding a subject often lies not in what they have to say, but rather what they throw away.

For example, I spent precisely thirty seconds examining the temporary occupants of Room 4257 when they checked in two days ago, and all I gleamed was this:

  • She was a young, statuesque Italian girl who loved to show a ridiculous amount of leg and whose cleavage was a thing of beauty.
  • She was vain and loved the attention her fashion choices garnered from those around her.
  • He was a young Tony Soprano, heavy-set and so Italian his veins most likely contained Ragu spaghetti sauce rather than blood.

Not much to go on is it?

A cursory glance really doesn’t reveal much. Were they decent young people? Did they like to get freaky? Did they like their drink? Were they boring or party animals?

However, when they checked out and their room was cleaned, the picture became clear. I rolled my luggage cart past their room this morning and I couldn’t help but be intrigued by the contents of their room’s refuse.

  • A box of incredibly-cheap wine.
  • Several bags of chips and candy.
  • A pair of fuzzy handcuffs.
  • Three Magnum condom wrappers.
  • One bottle of Reddi-wip, real whip topping.
  • A bottle of Astroglide lubricant.
  • Two pairs of ladies underwear so cheap and trashy, even a hooker would have second thoughts about donning them.

And finally.. the pièce de résistance – two of ’em, in fact…

  • One empty package for a male “Seal Team Hero” costume.
  • One empty package for a female sheep onesie costume.

No, you didn’t have yet another acid flashback; there really was a female sheep onesie costume in their garbage bag. At least they were practicing safe – but nutty – sex, right? Just an aside: It’s amazing how many cans of Reddi-wip I’ve been bringing into the hotel lately. Funny thing is, guests never seem to have any food to go along with their real whipped cream topping. Hmm…

tumblr_mch5a6kkhh1qzx4bjo1_500It’s definitely not just for Halloween anymore, kids…

So what have we learned, folks? There’s nothing wrong with getting freaky on vacation… but if you want to keep it undercover, you better bring a few industrial strength garbage bags.

As always, the advice is free. I’m just happy to enlighten the traveling public.

See you in the lobby, kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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25 Responses to More Travel Tips From The Hook.

  1. shimoniac says:

    Do the cleaners in your hotel wear class IV industrial-grade hazmat suits with on board bottled air to clean the rooms? Do they want to?

  2. Madeline Harper says:


  3. See, I’M the sort of person who would purposely bring those costumes to leave behind for the staff to have something to talk about.

  4. NancyTex says:

    The only objectionable objects in that lot, as far as I’m concerned: the cheap wine and cheap underwear. No excuse for either.

  5. Pro tip: the free Astroglide samples are a lot less conspicuous:

  6. Viv says:

    Cheap underwear can be ok/fun, if disposable (and washed beforehand).

  7. Only 3 condoms? Jeepers, young people today. I despair, I really do. Three? That’s all?

  8. vivwalken says:

    Cheap underwear can be ok/fun, if disposable (and washed beforehand)

  9. I honestly don’t know how you keep a straight face in your job?

  10. curvyroads says:

    So glad you just happened by, Robert, so you could share the motherload! 🙂

    Cheap box wine…ugh!

  11. rougedmount says:

    What a horrible position to put the staff into…can you imagine the noises their neighbors must have heard during their stay? Would you call the ministry of Agriculture or Fisheries and Oceans? Pardon me sir, we have unconfirmed reports of a sheep being molested on the premise and need to investigate.

  12. I can’t imagine what “getting freaky” does for people. Whatever happened to just making love?? I guess what ever floats your boat… :-/

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