As any detective or reporter worth their salt will tell you, the key to understanding a subject often lies not in what they have to say, but rather what they throw away.
For example, I spent precisely thirty seconds examining the temporary occupants of Room 4257 when they checked in two days ago, and all I gleamed was this:
- She was a young, statuesque Italian girl who loved to show a ridiculous amount of leg and whose cleavage was a thing of beauty.
- She was vain and loved the attention her fashion choices garnered from those around her.
- He was a young Tony Soprano, heavy-set and so Italian his veins most likely contained Ragu spaghetti sauce rather than blood.
Not much to go on is it?
A cursory glance really doesn’t reveal much. Were they decent young people? Did they like to get freaky? Did they like their drink? Were they boring or party animals?
However, when they checked out and their room was cleaned, the picture became clear. I rolled my luggage cart past their room this morning and I couldn’t help but be intrigued by the contents of their room’s refuse.
- A box of incredibly-cheap wine.
- Several bags of chips and candy.
- A pair of fuzzy handcuffs.
- Three Magnum condom wrappers.
- One bottle of Reddi-wip, real whip topping.
- A bottle of Astroglide lubricant.
- Two pairs of ladies underwear so cheap and trashy, even a hooker would have second thoughts about donning them.
And finally.. the pièce de résistance – two of ’em, in fact…
- One empty package for a male “Seal Team Hero” costume.
- One empty package for a female sheep onesie costume.
No, you didn’t have yet another acid flashback; there really was a female sheep onesie costume in their garbage bag. At least they were practicing safe – but nutty – sex, right? Just an aside: It’s amazing how many cans of Reddi-wip I’ve been bringing into the hotel lately. Funny thing is, guests never seem to have any food to go along with their real whipped cream topping. Hmm…
So what have we learned, folks? There’s nothing wrong with getting freaky on vacation… but if you want to keep it undercover, you better bring a few industrial strength garbage bags.
As always, the advice is free. I’m just happy to enlighten the traveling public.
See you in the lobby, kids…