Five Minutes With The Hook.

No, this isn’t the trailer for my long-awaited and much demanded pornographic film debut, so don’t get too excited.

This one is brief, intense and hits the spot almost immediately.

(Come to think if it, this one does sort of sound like my long-awaited and much demanded pornographic film debut, doesn’t it?)

But it isn’t, I swear. This one is about the obstacles I face as a bellman, specifically, the barrier that appears when certain guests open their mouth-holes. As difficult as it is to believe, the language barrier has rarely been an issue during my seventeen-plus years as a bellman in the great city of Niagara Falls.

I’ve dealt with drunks who don’t even understand themselves, frat boys with their own version of the Bro Code, hyperactive teenie boppers and even the French. And I’ve been able to navigate my way through my dealings with them without incident. But today I was completely stonewalled by our friends from the Emerald Isle.

The Irish family in question consisted of ten members of varying ages and temperaments and at the head of the clan was a father who I can only assume mainlined a case of Red Bull fifteen seconds before I arrived at his room. He was spouting sentences faster than the Flash on crack and between his brogue and the velocity at which it was traveling, I was lost beyond hope.

THE HOOK:  I can only assume you’d like me to load your bags and meet you downstairs, sir?

His family just chuckled at the obvious disconnect which enraged him even more.

“That’s what I just said, lad!”

THE HOOK:  I have no idea what the hell you’ve been saying, sir! I’m doing my best to keep up but I’m lost at sea here!

Naturally, his rage boiled over and the real fun began…

“Oh, you’re a wee cheeky bastard, aren’t you? It’s the back ‘o my hand you’ll be gettin’, boy!”

Yes, the stereotypes were flying fast and furious. Once things calmed down, however, the bags began to make their way to my cart and the waters appeared to calm.

Though not for long.

The elder statesman of Clan MacWhatthehell, Grandpa Shamus, loaded a single bag and suddenly he was the Irish God’s gift to the hospitality industry.

“This is easy! I could do this for a living!”

THE HOOK:  You could do it, all right, sir, but good luck making a living at it!

Well, that slayed them all and brought the situation back under my control.

For a few glorious moments at least.

In the end, I was compensated for my efforts in Canadian currency and blog fodder, so the scales remained tipped in my favor.

One last thought: Why can’t the Irish I meet can’t look like this…

Instead of this?

That was a rhetorical question, of course. Mistress Fate loves to make me her bitch and I’m happy to oblige. Providing the encounters she steers me towards provide ample blog fodder, that is.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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57 Responses to Five Minutes With The Hook.

  1. I don’t envy what you go through but it sure does make for good blogging and some chuckles along the way! Have a good weekend. 🙂

  2. mollytopia says:

    Gahhhhd your stories always crack me UP!

  3. Eva says:

    HOLY CRAP, Hook. How? How do you do what you do?

  4. That Irish lass does have a couple of nice blarney stones, doesn’t she?

  5. Jami says:

    Hahahaha! You sure do tell a funny story, you wee cheeky lad, you.

  6. Britt says:

    We all love it when people are just awful to you… and for that we apologize, between giggles. Another gem from the lobby.

  7. Oh sure and begorah, Hook. Me own lass has moved to the Emerald Isle and every visit I take there I only meet the kindest, gentlest people. I fear ya’ ha’ found the only Irishman who’s an arse….unless he t’were from Northern Ireland and then, well that’s an Englishman, ain’t it.

  8. Jo Bryant says:

    thanks for starting my sunday with a chuckle Hook

  9. lol Well, Robert, if Mistress Fate brought you your first choice of Irish, would we have ever learned about it?! I think she knows what she’s doing, even if it seems to be to our advantage. One day it will be to yours, believe me! 😉

  10. That wee “Irish” lass you would like to meet isn’t real, Hook. Much like the leprechauns and her chest. Perhaps you could get Jim O’Sullivan over at GingerFightBack to translate for you.

  11. You be havin’ yoreself a wee good time there, eh laddy? LOL!
    Again…I says, you gots a ver’ inerstin’ job there bubba! (ha ha… yeah, I know I went from irish brogue to a redneck!) I’m talented that way!! Hope your weekend doesn’t get anymore entertaining, but if it does, I look forward to hearing about it!! 😉

  12. Paul says:

    You seem to be fated to meet the dregs of humanity Hook. Our gain – more blog fodder Your stories are fascinating – carry on!

  13. Oh, Hook, those first few sentences were quite, um, titiltating. Which was quickly replaced with horror and humor. At least you recognized the benefit of receiving blog fodder!

  14. Trent Lewin says:

    Blog fodder… I like that phrase. Dude, honest, I’d rather hang out with the guy in that photo, figure he would be a good drinking buddy… the girl, well… nuff said.

    Have you ever run across my friend Janey from Cupid or Cats? She’s Irish. She would love this.

  15. Not the French! Them, too?! Oh, Hook. I’m so sorry.

    That girl would chew me up and spit me out and there’d be nothing left for the crows to eat. Not a bad way to go, though.

    Is that down-n-out Irish fellow Shane MacGowan from The Pogues or a generic example?

  16. jlheuer says:

    As much as I enjoy 5 X 5, I truly enjoy your wit. So glad you have customers like this to feed the muse.

  17. McGowan is a genius!

  18. Veronica says:

    Maybe we should organise that porn debut… With pretty Irish girls to boot.

  19. Val says:

    She’s not bad looking, but Shane is the epitome of Irish manhood.
    So he is.
    To be sure.
    Fal do deigh dileigh dí dileigh dilí dil é ró.

  20. It would be a shame to put a good man down. Keep up the good work!

  21. Oh, a snorter here for sure!

  22. OK….WE know her Boobs are not REAL, and that guy needs to visit an AA Meeting!…LOL.
    Thank God I’m in recovery! Another good Hook 🙂 *Cat*

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