Jesse Eisenberg has been cast as Lex Luthor in Batman vs. Superman.
This twerp looks like he’s not even old enough to shave. Anywhere. And he’s going to portray the Alpha Male of the villain community?
A guy known the world over for portraying mousy, insecure wisps of men has been cast as DC Comics’ number one baddie. Forget Batfleck.
(but you won’t be able to, the name burns your mind)
Forget the Wonder Woman that has reportedly been referred to in the script solely as “Diana” – and her non-existent chest.
(but you won’t be able to, the thought burns your soul)
Forget Warner Bros. apparent disregard for all that is good and holy in the world of fandom. (I can just picture how it went down: A trio of Warner Bros. execs gathered in a hotel suite sniffing lines of coke off the asses of wannabe actresses clad only in tight Bugs Bunny t-shirts and cheap Batgirl and Wonder Woman costumes, as one of them shouts “Hey! Let’s really screw with the nerds and run Batman vs. Superman into the ground by letting the Kardashians take over the casting!“)
‘Cause, you know, that’s how things work in Hollywood, right? I mean, nothing else makes sense. Warner Bros. can’t possibly be that incompetent, can they?
Regardless of how this whole casting abomination unfolded, I still feel a fatal beating should be administered to someone in the Batman vs. Superman production offices. Ben Affleck is a superb actor – when he’s not Jack Ryan or in the general proximity of, engaged to, or married to anyone named Jennifer – but he’s no Batman I want to see on the big screen. Jesse Eisenberg is a joy to watch – when he’s chasing zombies, not plotting world domination – but he’s no Luthor. Even if he was cast as Luthor’s brain-damaged, well-meaning, half-sibling, he’d be dead in minutes after a true Luthor got their hands on him.
And speaking of strangulation, I still think Warner Bros. needs a wake-up call in the form of some type of physical torture, but it won’t happen. They’ll get away with this crime as they have so many others. Fanboys like myself will support them by not only chugging their Kool-Aid, but by writing about a film that isn’t due to be unleashed like a dirty bomb across cineplexes world-wide for another two years.
I’m an idiot.
But I’d still make a better Luthor than Eisenberg.
Doesn’t anyone at Warner Bros have Billy Zane’s number?
Have fun screaming at your televisions during the Super Bowl, sports fans.
(Unfortunately, I’ll have to wait to see the Amazing Spider-Man 2 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier TV spots as I am a proud but deprived Canuck.)
See you in the lobby…
(In my defense, I really am trying to be more positive, but some things can’t be helped.)
One last thing: Read this post by Nicki Daniels and thank me later.