The world is waiting breathlessly as authorities hunt down a suspect in Boston.
I am staying the course and serving an increasingly-crazy public. All the while, random thoughts float in my consciousness, waiting to be explored and shared. Fortunately, I’ve snagged one or two.
The result? A few language tips that may come in handy the next time you leave your home, lair or domicile.
1) “Does your hotel dry-cleaning service handle fetish wear?”
2) “Where can I park my Batmobile?” (I wish Justin Bieber’s dad knew better when he arrived at the hotel.)
3) “Do you know where I can rent some shackles?”
4) “I’ve been sober for two hours!”
Followed immediately by…
5) “Can you direct me to the closest liquor store? Just in case?”
6) “Do you take Discover?” (NO ONE takes Discover.)
7) (While checking in with a drunken prostitute.) “If my wife calls can you tell her I’m not here? And if she shows up, can you call Hotel Security and send them to my room?”
8) “I broke up with my boyfriend during the ride up here; can you not tell him which room I’m in when he shows up? You see, we had sex in the car in one of your parking lots and now he’s getting dressed, but it was only break-up sex, so I don’t want him to bother me, so can you keep him away from my room? Please?”
Seriously, she broke up with her boyfriend during the trip to the Falls, banged him one last time in the parking lot when they arrived and then ran off while he was getting dressed. Ain’t love grand?
Incidentally, his night actually got worse when she called the cops to get him to back off.
But at least he got laid, right?
9) “The gentleman parking my car is going to hear a thumping sound coming from the trunk. Can you ask him to ignore it?”
10) “People always confuse me with someone they’ve seen on America’s Most Wanted, but that wasn’t me, I swear!”
And that’s all I have in me at the moment, folks. It’s been a crazy day, but that’s another story…
Have a safe and happy weekend.
You've Been Hooked! 
I dig number 8. She gets high-fives from me.
She was an original, that’s for sure.
Eight and nine are great. Love this. Thanks for the advice
I live to serve.
After a day’s work, do you ever just want to give up on humanity? 😉
Absolutely!
But I’m too dumb to know when to quit.
I take Discover… 🙂
You’re such a buzz kill, Cathy!
KIDDING!
So it’s okay to say: “could you stash this brick of hash under your desk?”
?
I’m afraid not, Daan!
Hm. Disappointing.
No one takes Discover??? Then where are all those charges coming from on my Discover statement???
Where indeed?
That’s all you have?
#8 almost ranks a post be itself
#9 would make a great opening for a short story.
Hope the crazy day keeps you sane.
Funny Funny stuff.
“Hope the crazy day keeps you sane.”
I love that!
Hilarious! Although, I can’t imagine “I’ve been sober for two hours!” would be followed with an exclamation mark. I think it would be rather depressing to realize I’ve been sober for two full hours.
Not if you’re crazy!
It must be nice to go home some days and have more predictable conversations.
My family is anything but predictable!
But they don’t suggest you call the police or hide them from certain people, do they?
Not yet!
Ha ha!
How do you keep a straight face when getting questions like these? Too funny.
The nerves in my face have been surgically altered.
My Discover has never been turned down in the States… must be a Canadian thing!
We’re an odd bunch of ducks!
I am told by a Vegas bellman that the usual tip for #9 is $50.
Sounds about right for that town!
If I’m ever up that way, I’ll have to try to come up with something you’ve never heard before.
I look forward to it, Revis!
There’s a body in the suitcase, so be careful. It’s a little heavy.
#11!
Thanks!
You’re welcome! I’m surprised no one has said that one yet.
Or, the children wouldn’t listen and did not believe me, so into the suitcase they went. I’ll give you a bigger tip it you knock it around a bit. Thanks.
>But at least he got laid, right?
– Spoken like a true man. 😉
Kate
Not heard of this phenomenon of breakup sex before. I’d rather not bother, thanks very much
“Spoken like a true man.”
That’s me, Kate.
If only I’d known earlier.
Sorry!
I need to know more about the noises from the trunk of the car. Seems to be a lot of banging in cars going on where you are Don
I never did get to the bottom of the noise, but you’re right, there are A LOT of automobile shenanigans going on in Niagara!
Number 8 is truly amazing. I guess truth is really stranger than fiction. She is one nervy lady, and I use the term “lady” very loosely.
Thanks for the continued support, cutie!
NO ONE takes Discover.
Really no one does. It is a mystery why there are people that have it and think they can use it.
You should put some kind of webcam in your parking garage. Between makeup sex and banging in the trunk it seems you would have enough stuff for a 3rd book. Just thinking ahead.
I’m having enough trouble trying to write Book #2, but thanks!
Remind me to open a dry cleaners which does, in fact, clean fetish wear. Niche market!
You could corner the market, Cameron!
A thumping trunk is a curse!
Sounds plausible.
#8 is a smart little cookie 😀
I’m shocked by that comment, partner!
That having been said, it was a pretty cool comment, so you’re off the hook. (Get it?)
I like number 9 🙂
#9 is a big hit, it seems!
Yeah, number 8 has to be my fave 🙂 Couldn’t make it up lol!
Rohan.
Definitely not!
Pingback: Readership Award | CombatBabe
I’m speechless.
I can understand that!
I don’t get things this weird in the hotel I work!
The most recent one was an Indian guy not even checking in saying, “How much for a drink? And for…girls?”
Sadly it’s not that kind of establishment.