Ten Things You Should Never Say While Checking-in.

The world is waiting breathlessly as authorities hunt down a suspect in Boston.

I am staying the course and serving an increasingly-crazy public. All the while, random thoughts float in my consciousness, waiting to be explored and shared. Fortunately, I’ve snagged one or two.

The result? A few language tips that may come in handy the next time you leave your home, lair or domicile.

1)  “Does your hotel dry-cleaning service handle fetish wear?”

2)  “Where can I park my Batmobile?” (I wish Justin Bieber’s dad knew better when he arrived at the hotel.)

3)  “Do you know where I can rent some shackles?”

4)  “I’ve been sober for two hours!”

Followed immediately by…

5)  “Can you direct me to the closest liquor store? Just in case?”

6)  “Do you take Discover?” (NO ONE takes Discover.)

7)  (While checking in with a drunken prostitute.) “If my wife calls can you tell her I’m not here? And if she shows up, can you call Hotel Security and send them to my room?”

8)  “I broke up with my boyfriend during the ride up here; can you not tell him which room I’m in when he shows up? You see, we had sex in the car in one of your parking lots and now he’s getting dressed, but it was only break-up sex, so I don’t want him to bother me, so can you keep him away from my room? Please?”

Seriously, she broke up with her boyfriend during the trip to the Falls, banged him one last time in the parking lot when they arrived and then ran off while he was getting dressed. Ain’t love grand?

Incidentally, his night actually got worse when she called the cops to get him to back off.

But at least he got laid, right?

9)  “The gentleman parking my car is going to hear a thumping sound coming from the trunk. Can you ask him to ignore it?”

10)  “People always confuse me with someone they’ve seen on America’s Most Wanted, but that wasn’t me, I swear!”

And that’s all I have in me at the moment, folks. It’s been a crazy day, but that’s another story…

Have a safe and happy weekend.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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58 Responses to Ten Things You Should Never Say While Checking-in.

  1. Combat Babe says:

    I dig number 8. She gets high-fives from me.

  2. Eight and nine are great. Love this. Thanks for the advice

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    After a day’s work, do you ever just want to give up on humanity? 😉

  4. Cathy Ulrich says:

    I take Discover… 🙂

  5. So it’s okay to say: “could you stash this brick of hash under your desk?”


  6. List of X says:

    No one takes Discover??? Then where are all those charges coming from on my Discover statement???

  7. That’s all you have?
    #8 almost ranks a post be itself
    #9 would make a great opening for a short story.
    Hope the crazy day keeps you sane.
    Funny Funny stuff.

  8. amylleblanc says:

    Hilarious! Although, I can’t imagine “I’ve been sober for two hours!” would be followed with an exclamation mark. I think it would be rather depressing to realize I’ve been sober for two full hours.

  9. iRuniBreathe says:

    It must be nice to go home some days and have more predictable conversations.

  10. "HE WHO" says:

    How do you keep a straight face when getting questions like these? Too funny.

  11. Littlesundog says:

    My Discover has never been turned down in the States… must be a Canadian thing!

  12. tteclod says:

    I am told by a Vegas bellman that the usual tip for #9 is $50.

  13. If I’m ever up that way, I’ll have to try to come up with something you’ve never heard before.

  14. There’s a body in the suitcase, so be careful. It’s a little heavy.

  15. >But at least he got laid, right?
    – Spoken like a true man. 😉


  16. Subtlekate says:

    If only I’d known earlier.

  17. I need to know more about the noises from the trunk of the car. Seems to be a lot of banging in cars going on where you are Don

  18. mairedubhtx says:

    Number 8 is truly amazing. I guess truth is really stranger than fiction. She is one nervy lady, and I use the term “lady” very loosely.

  19. NO ONE takes Discover.
    Really no one does. It is a mystery why there are people that have it and think they can use it.
    You should put some kind of webcam in your parking garage. Between makeup sex and banging in the trunk it seems you would have enough stuff for a 3rd book. Just thinking ahead.

  20. Cameron says:

    Remind me to open a dry cleaners which does, in fact, clean fetish wear. Niche market!

  21. A thumping trunk is a curse!

  22. MissFourEyes says:

    #8 is a smart little cookie 😀

  23. I like number 9 🙂

  24. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Yeah, number 8 has to be my fave 🙂 Couldn’t make it up lol!


  25. Pingback: Readership Award | CombatBabe

  26. jlheuer says:

    I’m speechless.

  27. I don’t get things this weird in the hotel I work!
    The most recent one was an Indian guy not even checking in saying, “How much for a drink? And for…girls?”
    Sadly it’s not that kind of establishment.

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