There are days that serve to remind me how blessed I truly am to be in a position to see the best and worst humanity has to offer. Seriously. I can be deep sometimes, you know!
I recently lived through one such day. Shiny, happy people of all races and creeds passed through the hotel’s automatic doors and I was lucky enough to serve a few of them.
But those people are boring. The crazy people, however, are the ones worth writing about. Meet Pyscho-Man:
- He is of medium height and build – but with a beer gut, of course!
- Greasy, dirty blonde hair adorns his hunched frame.
- A stained Exxon Mobil sweatshirt works perfectly with his ripped jeans and cracked sneakers.
- A mysterious grin completes his look.
Pyscho-Man raced through the lobby at the height of check-out time with one purpose engraved into his jumbled, barely-coherent mind: secure and abscond with a luggage cart. At any cost.
Unfortunately for Pyscho-Man, a certain bellman happened to be standing five feet away as he made his getaway…
THE HOOK: Excuse me, sir, we don’t give out carts. I can help you if you like…
PM: (Still grinning) I don’t need any help! I’m checking in and I need a cart to load my bags up, that’s all!
THE HOOK: We are a full-service property, sir. A bellman will be happy to assist you. (Okay, “happy” was the wrong word to use, but what else could I say?)
PM: (Pointing at a family rummaging though a suitcase on a cart.) Those guys have their own cart –
THE HOOK: I’m actually helping them. They’re waiting for their car.
PM: Is it frakkin’ complimentary or do I have to pay you?
We’ll go geek and use the word “frakkin'” as a substitute for.. Well, you know.
THE HOOK: You don’t have to tip, sir. We’ll help you regardless.
PM: (Attempting to walk away with the luggage cart.) Frak this! I’ve got it!
THE HOOK: (Holding said cart – firmly.) I’m afraid you don’t, sir. You simply cannot walk through a door clearly marked “Employees Only” and grab your own cart. I’ll have someone help you, all right?
PM: Frak this!
Pyscho-Man stormed off – the grin wiped off his face – as my blood boiled. I mean, I was livid…
He lumbered through the lobby a few minutes later with three “lucky” friends in tow and twelve bags between them. A few minutes after that he returned (I was lucky enough to be on another call and way from the desk) and was forced to store his bags: his room wasn’t ready!
I preemptively refused to deliver his luggage when the time came. No one argued the point.
But wait! There’s more!
Seven glorious, pyscho-free hours later, the Best Guest of the Day returned. Everyone on duty was occupied with a call and the desk was unguarded… It was perfect! Except for a lone doorman we’ll call “A”…
“A”: (Observing Pyscho-Man attempting to steal a second cart – the one containing his bags!) Sir, can I help you?
PM: I’m just taking my bags!
“A”: You need a bellman to deliver those, sir. Do you have tag to prove those are your bags?
PM: (Produces tag and tries to walk away – again!) There! Now I’m goin’!
“A”: You still need a bellman, sir…
PM: Another two minutes and I’ve have been gone with them anyway!
He began to sound like a Scooby Doo villain after he realizes he’s been foiled by those meddling kids and their dog!
“A”: But I caught you didn’t I, sir?
PM: Yeah, you frakkin’ caught me!
Pyscho-Man finally relented and slugged his own bags upstairs – and he slugged them back down fifteen minutes later after he decided to switch rooms!
A TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: NEVER attempt to check in at check out time and then make a second attempt seven hours later! The best rooms are long gone by that time. You can always secure a prime room over the phone while you’re out for the day.
Pyscho-Man decided to throw-down with the Front Desk staff as well; it is a very bad idea to piss off the people who are booking your room, by the way…
But that’s another story.
AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!
Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!
More on this in the future, but get ready to enjoy my masterpiece for free – and be sure to tell your friends! I need reviews, people!
AND FINALLY….
A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…
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- The Bellman Chronicles Goes “Live” – At Last! (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)
You've Been Hooked! 
Oh year, frack that! 🙂
Well said, Jennifer!
Why is it that it always boils down to avoiding paying a tip? And I guess it’s too much to ask people to use a little common sense when checking in and checking out? At least it makes for great story-telling, eh?
That it does…
How do you put up with them?
I kind of know how you feel though. I used to work in a coal yard and had to help people carry bags of coal in to their car. Really hard work but when you’re fifteen and poor you’ll do anything. My job was simple, the customer would drive his/her car in to the coal yard, pop the boot/trunk and I would grab one end of the bag of coal and if they were nice they would usually grab the other end and we would haul it in to the car. Job done.
But the amount of people who would say things like ‘Any chance you could carry that home for me I only live down the street, it’s just that I only bought the car last month and don’t want to get coal dust on it’ would drive me mad.
My sanity is hanging by a thread, my old friend…
Wow…is he frakkin for real…hehehe
Too real, Jo!
Did you download that book?
Not yet.. I’m slammed at work and at home!
I’m a 4 Star only hotel booker and I have personally seen some of the antics displayed by the Motel 6 class. By the way, I have stayed a Motel 6 and they did keep that light on for me. I think so I could be sure of my surroundings. Great frakkin post Hook!
You frakkin’ rule, my friend!
Hook, some people just never learn. Sounds like that PM had permanent issues, not just with his bags.
Indeed…
Your writing makes me laugh (in a good way!)
That’s the highest compliment you can pay a writer… Thanks!
You are very welcome. You deserve it!
Thanks, young lady!
What the heck was he doing in such an upscale hotel?? I’d love to hear the story about the room the front desk gave him! I can just imagine his antics during his visit!
I didn’t hear much, but I know he was a holy terror…
As Raisingdaisy says above me… would love to know what type of room he got after he decided to change rooms. What was “wrong” with the initial room? Anything? Or was he just become a complete ickhead?
He was just being difficult – to say the least!
You must LOVE when a guest like this comes through. It gives you such great blogging material. Another great tale my friend. 🙂
Psycho-Man should have never messed with you!
Unfortunately, he didn’t learn his lesson; his kind never does…
What a douchecanoe.
Nice one! Seriously, I’ve never heard “douchecanoe”!
So, like… what are you saying? 🙂 LOL ! He’s psycho?
He was bat-shit crazy! That clear enough for ya, young lady?
HAHAHAHA! Yup. 🙂 LOL !
Another jewel of humanity for you to encounter! (a real prince of a guy….well, not actually a prince – you can apparently sell those pictures quickly then retire)
The social media/author book is interesting – worth people checking it out – thanks.
I hope people find it interesting – I have!
This is inspiring me to write about my own customers . . . I wonder if any of these people have the slightest idea their idiocy is about to be published to the world. If every customer service rep was a writer customers would be much better behaved! Have you ever had anyone write to you and admit it was them?
Not yet…
Fraking people…..so fraking rude…. 😀