SETTING: A hotel’s HR office where an Independent Contractor is evaluating hotel employees. He is assisted by a human resources representative.
IC: So who’s next?
CAROL: That would be The Hook.
IC: Okay… wait, did you say “The Hook”? Is this chain employing pirates now? Or is this another (makes air quotes) “special needs” case, like the housekeeper who’s been banned from the valet deck because she barks at cars?
CAROL: Oh no! The Hook is a righteous dude!
IC: I thought that was that Ferris kid we saw earlier…
CAROL: His last name is Hookey, but you can call him The Hook, everyone else does.
CAROL: Oh yes! It’s very official!
IC:(Peering down at The Hook’s employee file.) All right, but it’s not like it’s in his file or anything… Oh wait, it actually is. Well, this should be interesting.
CAROL: You have no idea…
She walks to the door and ushers in The Hook.
IC: Have a seat and we’ll get started… (IC realizes The Hook is wearing a bath robe, pajamas without a top and fuzzy clawed slippers.) Uh, did we get you out of bed for this?
THE HOOK: Casual Friday.
IC: It’s Tuesday.
THE HOOK: Daylight Savings Time?
IC: That’s not how that works.
THE HOOK: It is in Canada…. You’re American, so you may not realize that.
IC: All right. If I didn’t throw in the towel when a 400 hundred pound asthmatic maintenance man with multiple personalities requested maternity leave because one of his personalities was pregnant… I’m not going to start now!
But seriously… What’s the deal with the bathrobe and half your pajamas? I know there’s a better explanation. Hell, even they (gestures at the audience) knows there’s a better explanation. And don’t you think they deserve one?
THE HOOK: (Deeply sighs like a man defeated – or a husband caught in a lie.) Fine… I had to deliver some packages to the party suite last night for a convention of vets…
IC: You mean veterans?
CAROL: No, actual vets. Veterinarians of Denver, specifically.
IC: So… the entire hotel had VD?
CAROL: Incurably so, yes.
THE HOOK: So, I delivered these boxes after just as my shift was ending for the night and being the consummate professional that I am…
IC: Who walks into a meeting half-dressed in a bathrobe…
THE HOOK: Be… that… as… it… may… I could hardly refuse a group’s request spend some time informing them of the hotel’s amenities as well as the many attractions Niagara Falls has to offer…
IC: Well, that sounds reasonable.
THE HOOK: And of course I couldn’t say no to a dose of animal tranquilizers, could I?
IC: I suppose not… Wait, what?
THE HOOK: And let me tell you, those horse shots will kick your ass!
CAROL: Sounds like those vets know how to party.
THE HOOK: I’ll say! I woke up this morning in the laundry room on a folding table without a stitch of clothing on. I found this lovely ensemble in Housekeeping’s lost and found box.
A stunned look falls over both IC’s and Carol’s faces.
IC: That’s your story and your sticking to it, right?
THE HOOK: Of course I am! Do you have any idea how long it takes to come up with this stuff?
Well, what do you think? Would you be willing to sacrifice the time you normally spend watching cat videos (of various natures) on some Tube sight to watch my imbecilic brilliance?