A Winter’s Tale From The Bellman Chronicles.

As I’ve often said before, there is a ridiculous amount of downtime when you’re a bellman; guests arrive in waves rather than ripples so I find myself seeking out deep, meaningful conversations with my fellow hospitality wage slaves.

I rarely find such convos but I don’t exactly come up empty-handed either.

Not by a long shot.

Case in point: Twenty years ago during a quiet, dark, icy winter’s night I engaged in a chat with Heather, a front desk agent whose heart was as big as her blonde locks (and for that matter, her smile and her chest). Heather worked the desk at a hotel on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls where I began my hotel journey. The Comfort Inn is long gone but Heather’s unique outlook lives on in my consciousness and now my blog.

 

Heather was Penny long before The Big Bang Theory was even an idea

 

On this particular evening she was slightly rattled by the appearance of a former rock ‘n roller beau who was hanging out in the lobby to meet some visiting friends from Vancouver. This dude looked like Sheldon Cooper and Jon Bon Jovi produced offspring. Naturally, I wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass me by…

THE HOOK:  So what’s the story with you and Mr. Poindexter-turned-Rocker?

HEATHER:  We had a first date that ended badly.

THE HOOK:  So he struck out with you?

HEATHER:  No, we had sex! He really tried to pork my brains out!

THE HOOK:  (Nearly choking on my  Coke. Before my IBS appeared I used to chug the stuff by the truckload. Fun fact, right?)  I’m confused. You had sex but it still ended badly?

HEATHER:  Yeah, he really tried, but I didn’t like it very much. Well, actually, I liked the first part… A lot!

THE HOOK:  So his oral skills extend beyond bad cover songs?

HEATHER:  Definitely! But the rest of it wasn’t very good at all.

THE HOOK:  So you stuck it out, so to speak, even though you didn’t enjoy it?

HEATHER:  Right. I just waited until he… finished, and then I got up, thanked him, got dressed right away, and left!

THE HOOK:  That must have been… slightly awkward… but I still don’t understand why you didn’t just ask him to climb off you immediately.

HEATHER:  I didn’t want to be impolite! My mother made a point of that.

THE HOOK:  Your mother made a point of instructing you to always wait until after a sexually inept partner finished his… business on top of you before exiting the situation?

HEATHER:  Exactly!

THE HOOK:  Wow. Your mother was oddly specific. You should be taking her advice and writing a “Ms. Manners” column.

HEATHER:  I know, right?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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25 Responses to A Winter’s Tale From The Bellman Chronicles.

  1. ladyryl says:

    That is both sad and funny… I hope Heather finally found someone who rocked her world in all ways.

    • The Hook says:

      I saw her at the movies with her grandmother many years ago but I have no idea how she’s keeping.
      Hopefully she’s still polite but not too polite, if you catch my drift…

  2. Mark Myers says:

    She really listens to mom.

  3. Funny story, Hook. I have to feel for those who put up inept partners. A little sad really.

  4. Ummm…ok…never had those conversations with mom!

  5. When I asked my Mum about sex, she gave me a book about periods. Maybe that’s where I went wrong………………..

  6. Doug in Oakland says:

    She sounds lovely, but I have a feeling that I would like talking to her mother better.

  7. In my somewhat limited experience I have found men to be both quite motivated to “do well” and quite trainable, when it comes to the horizontal mambo. And first times between new partners don’t usually rock anyone’s world – at least not in the way that it could once you really get to know the person, in that way.

  8. Jennie says:

    We need more Heathers in this world! How lucky you were to know her, Hook.

  9. Great story, Hook. Oh, and I’ve (stupidly) jumped on people’s typos or misspellings before and then had to apologize for my rudeness, but I have to admit that a “fist date” sounds interesting!! (I haven’t written anything since March so don’t bother being polite and reciprocally stopping by, haha–heck I can’t even remember the last time i commented on a blogpost) Anyway, you’re always entertaining, my Canadian friend.

  10. Kindness found in the oddest situations.

  11. Pingback: Sharing: The Threequel « 33 Grams of Blog

  12. awtytravels says:

    This is what parental advice should be! None of that “get a good job” malarkey.

  13. That seems like a pretty appropriate conversation from the picture you painted of her. For the record there are plenty of women who could read a book or file their nails waiting for an inept “lover” to finish his business and dismount. It’s not always fireworks.

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