Anytime you bring more than one guest together you’re pretty much guaranteed some blog fodder will result, but when you mix hockey families with the usual March Breakers?
Well then, bunky, you better get yourself a hat, hang onto it, and get ready for the human fireworks, ’cause they’re gonna be a poppin’. Here are a few random lines, courtesy of a few random guests of all varieties and my random way of writing.
“I like the team in blue… because they’re like my balls! You know… ’cause they’re also blue.”
One can only hope the guy in question was immediately instructed on his “inside voice” by his fellow dads… but somehow I doubt it.
And now onto some March Break controversy on an epic scale. What’s the worst thing that can happen at a hotel during a holiday? No, not a bacon shortage. No, not a hooker strike. Try again. That’s right… a visit by the health inspector – who closes down the pool.
“THEY CLOSED THE FUCKIN’ POOL???”
Man, eight-year-old girls are brutal these days…
“Seriously? What the hell are we supposed to do with our kids now?”
“It’s closed? What, I’m supposed to talk to my kids now?”
(Man, people don’t like their offspring much these days, do they?)
“Where’s that Health Inspector now? I’ll kill the bastard!”
No, that wasn’t a child.
It was a grandmother.
CLUELESS MOM: We came all the way from the Middle East for the pool in this hotel!
ME: With all due respect, miss… I’ve never been to the Middle East, but I’m certain they have pools. On the bright side, we have arranged to keep the Falls flowing for you.
CM: So what? Am I supposed to throw my kids over the Falls so they can swim?
ME: Well, I see you have several kids… I’d throw one over and see if it takes to the water, rather than chucking them all in at once.
For the record, her husband and her kids nearly wet themselves at my suggestion. Moving on…
“So, we stood in line for half-an-hour with fat people and their stupid kids… and then they told us the pool was closed! I want a free room! NOW!”
“My husband stood in line with the kids for an hour, and then the Health Inspector closed the pool! I want free porn in the room!”
At least this mom had her priorities straight.
If I gave you one hundred guess, I bet you’d never conclude that that particular line was spoken by a white-as-snow, sixteen-year-old girl who is surely the most popular gal at her high school…
And on an unrelated note: why are people still watching hotel porn? You can find more adult content than you can ever hope to watch on your device these days. In fact, I’m surprised carpal tunnel syndrome hasn’t become a worldwide epidemic by now.
You knew this one was coming sooner or later, right? And yes, I heard this through a ridiculously-thin room door. Don’t tell me it doesn’t pay to lurk in the hallway, Human Resources. Let’s continue down this road, shall we?
“Ow… ow… OWWW!!! (After a short pause.) Who told you to stop?”
“Do me like ISIS!”
Admittedly, this was all the nerd in me could picture at that moment.
Uh, no comment, live-action Isis.
“What the hell? We’re on vacation… you can put it there!”
To clarify, this was whispered by a middle-aged gal to her much younger beau as they exited the elevator. Thank Heavens for my Vulcan hearing, right?
On the surface, this coital declaration may seem relatively tame, but ten minutes later the windows in the hallway were still vibrating. Her enthusiasm was palatable.
And just like the randy gal in question, we’ve reached the climax, folks. It may not have been as satisfying for you, but as I often tell the wife, “We’re a team, but I can’t guarantee I’ll always be up to handling all the heavy lifting.”
At any rate. I’ll see you in the lobby, kids.
Assuming I survive March Break, that is…