A Ten Second Adventure.

To be clear, this isn’t a behind-the-scenes look at my sex tape. (“The Adult Film No One Asked For!”)

This is a literal glimpse into what goes on when I get into an elevator with two horny foreigners.

Intrigued? I wasn’t. But I’m getting ahead of myself. (I tend to do that.)

At any rate, as I’ve always said, even quiet days will provide blog fodder… if you know where to look. Of course, sometimes fodder will find you. And if you’re The Hook? Well then, the fodder will always find you.

At 8:27 on a ridiculously-quiet Wednesday I responded to a call for luggage pick-up from a Mr. Thompkins. (No, I’m not a cop, though I do love donuts and I love to make that siren sound while driving.) As it was a quiet morning, and Mr. Thompkins was on the eighth floor, I decided to take one of the guest elevators.

That was my first mistake.

I spotted them out of the corner of my eye just as the elevator door was opening; they were quite the pair. He was a tall, lean, middle-aged Turkish love machine in tight-fitting, brand name duds and more body hair than the Tasmanian devil on Rogaine.  Just think Ray Romano in HBO’s Vinyl and you’ll be good.

Set+Vinyl+New+York+City+LGnRagwfMbIlNot everybody loves this Raymond, Ray…

She was just as Turkish, but she was a woman so I didn’t pay as much attention – to her clothing. I know you love pop culture references as much as I do (most of us have no idea of our respective country’s foreign policies but we can tell you who won the Best picture Oscar), so let’s just say she resembled Sofia Vergara and leave it at that, shall we?

4229291-5736317802-12_50She’s very reserved, isn’t she?

So now the stage is set and the drama can begin.

Being the super nice bellguy that I am, I decided to hold the elevator so my two new besties could join me.

That was my second mistake.

We were barely on the elevator – the doors hadn’t even finished closing – when they began to… what’s the most diplomatic way of putting this?

They began to go at it like two porn stars whose DNA had been spliced with two randy dogs – on the most powerful speed known to mankind. I’ll admit I have more experience overhearing people have sex though poorly-constructed hotel room doors rather than actually witnessing it, but honestly, these two were behaving as though they had been poisoned and the antidote was in each other’s mouth and genitals.

Fortunately for me, I was getting off on the eighth floor. Unfortunately for me, this couple was intent on getting off right then and there.

Not only was the young lady a dead ringer for Sofia Vergara, she was just as loud and nutty, especially while engaged amorous activities. His hands were all over her quivering form. She kept pushing herself back against the elevator’s handrails, while moaning louder than any woman I’ve ever heard, and remember, I’ve watched an adult film or two in my day…

Yeah, I know you’re rolling your eyes right now. Shut up.

After a million years, the world’s loudest mechanical conveyor finally arrived at the eighth floor. My two “friends”, who hadn’t taken notice of me until that point (she somehow managed to hit their floor button with her ass), took offense at my exit.

PORNO RAY ROMANO:  Hey, where you go? You no watch?

Yes, even I had to stop and process that one.

ME:  (While halfway out of the elevator.)  Excuse me, sir?

PORNO SOFIA VERGARA:  You no like to watch?

Unfortunately for her, I was up-to-speed at that point.

ME:  No, I no watch… and hopefully, I no throw up either!

The good thing about lipping off to foreigners is they rarely complain. The language confounds them and so they try to avoid long conversations with desk clerks, and they barely understand what I’m saying anyway.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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17 Responses to A Ten Second Adventure.

  1. Paul says:

    Bwahaha! At 8:30 in the morning – egads! ha! I think you draw them to you Hook. I was reading an article in the Globe and Mail this week and they quoted a number of psychiatrists who said that they have discovered that human sexual behavior is naturally much kinkier than we ever thought. They said that the majority of people have fetishes or other behavior that was never seen as “normal” before. I’m willing to bet that you knew that long before the psychiatrists came to that conclusion Hook. Ha!

  2. taraverses says:

    “…and the anecdote was in each other’s mouth and genitals.” LMAO! Great imagery there. I’ll be giggling all day. Some people just like to be a spectacle and make others watch. This reminds me of a couple who came into the restroom in the restaurant while I was utilizing the facilities. I could see them when I looked up at the ceiling (it’s mirrored, another of my mom’s not-well-thought-out design ideas that turned out hilariously funny) from my stall, and merely uttered, “uh, EXCUSE ME…” and she said, “it’s okay.” I replied that it was definitely NOT.

  3. susielindau says:

    That was all about needing an audience. Euw! Nice comeback!

  4. Do you wonder how long/many floors it took before they found an audience?

  5. Funny as usual. Are you watching vinyl? I haven’t been able to get into it. Which of course sounds like a failed sexual reference on the heels of your post.

  6. I really want to apply to be your assistant for the day. My winter has been SO boring!!

  7. List of X says:

    You could have pointed to the camera on the ceiling and explain that you’ll TiVo them.
    Oh, right, the language barrier. I’m sure you even get that with foreigners from the US.

  8. Or you could’ve told them that you don’t watch, you participate, while moving your hand slowly down to your zipper. Either they would not want you in the elevator with them anymore and tell you to get out or you’d confuse the hell out of them when you just turned around and left.

  9. Bahaha! At 8.30??? I’m barely conscious before 11 – kudos to them… or not. You should have told them that you’ll watch it on the security camera later before selling the video off to a porn site…

  10. I cannot imagine having the telemetry to take off my shoes in front of others let alone……

  11. 1jaded1 says:

    And this was a slowish day. My mind is boggled that they did this while knowing that you were in the elevator. Maybe I’m naive. Wow.

  12. I’ve had this happen to me when I was stasying in a hotel. As for the two actors you named? Never heard of either of them.

  13. vinnieh says:

    You certainly witness some eye opening sexy stuff while on the job.

  14. curvyroads says:

    Thanks, Robert. I don’t think I will ever be able to erase the mental picture of horny Ray and Sofia from my mind…. 😉

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