To be clear, this isn’t a behind-the-scenes look at my sex tape. (“The Adult Film No One Asked For!”)
This is a literal glimpse into what goes on when I get into an elevator with two horny foreigners.
Intrigued? I wasn’t. But I’m getting ahead of myself. (I tend to do that.)
At any rate, as I’ve always said, even quiet days will provide blog fodder… if you know where to look. Of course, sometimes fodder will find you. And if you’re The Hook? Well then, the fodder will always find you.
At 8:27 on a ridiculously-quiet Wednesday I responded to a call for luggage pick-up from a Mr. Thompkins. (No, I’m not a cop, though I do love donuts and I love to make that siren sound while driving.) As it was a quiet morning, and Mr. Thompkins was on the eighth floor, I decided to take one of the guest elevators.
That was my first mistake.
I spotted them out of the corner of my eye just as the elevator door was opening; they were quite the pair. He was a tall, lean, middle-aged Turkish love machine in tight-fitting, brand name duds and more body hair than the Tasmanian devil on Rogaine. Just think Ray Romano in HBO’s Vinyl and you’ll be good.
She was just as Turkish, but she was a woman so I didn’t pay as much attention – to her clothing. I know you love pop culture references as much as I do (most of us have no idea of our respective country’s foreign policies but we can tell you who won the Best picture Oscar), so let’s just say she resembled Sofia Vergara and leave it at that, shall we?
So now the stage is set and the drama can begin.
Being the super nice bellguy that I am, I decided to hold the elevator so my two new besties could join me.
That was my second mistake.
We were barely on the elevator – the doors hadn’t even finished closing – when they began to… what’s the most diplomatic way of putting this?
They began to go at it like two porn stars whose DNA had been spliced with two randy dogs – on the most powerful speed known to mankind. I’ll admit I have more experience overhearing people have sex though poorly-constructed hotel room doors rather than actually witnessing it, but honestly, these two were behaving as though they had been poisoned and the antidote was in each other’s mouth and genitals.
Fortunately for me, I was getting off on the eighth floor. Unfortunately for me, this couple was intent on getting off right then and there.
Not only was the young lady a dead ringer for Sofia Vergara, she was just as loud and nutty, especially while engaged amorous activities. His hands were all over her quivering form. She kept pushing herself back against the elevator’s handrails, while moaning louder than any woman I’ve ever heard, and remember, I’ve watched an adult film or two in my day…
Yeah, I know you’re rolling your eyes right now. Shut up.
After a million years, the world’s loudest mechanical conveyor finally arrived at the eighth floor. My two “friends”, who hadn’t taken notice of me until that point (she somehow managed to hit their floor button with her ass), took offense at my exit.
PORNO RAY ROMANO: Hey, where you go? You no watch?
Yes, even I had to stop and process that one.
ME: (While halfway out of the elevator.) Excuse me, sir?
PORNO SOFIA VERGARA: You no like to watch?
Unfortunately for her, I was up-to-speed at that point.
ME: No, I no watch… and hopefully, I no throw up either!
The good thing about lipping off to foreigners is they rarely complain. The language confounds them and so they try to avoid long conversations with desk clerks, and they barely understand what I’m saying anyway.
See you in the lobby, kids…