Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Bloggess.

She’s a loving but terrorizing wife (it keeps things fresh), a vigilant but fun-loving mom, a best-selling but far-too humble author, a blogger like no other, and on occasion, an indivudual human being with hopes, dreams, demons, crises and victories.

She is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, and she has clawed her way to the top of my “Favorite People I’ve Never Met” list by sharing her wisdom and in doing so, helping my progeny achieve her dream. And so this is my way of honoring her act of selflessness at a time when she is overwhelmed with the drudgery of editing her second soon-to-be-ridiculously-popular book.

(And yes, I actually have a “Favorite People I’ve Never Met” list. I also have a “Favorite Girlfriends I’ve Never Actually Dated” list, a “Favorite Reviews of my Book That Haven’t Actually Been Written – Yet” list and a “Favorite Arguments With My Wife That I Won” list. What’s it to you?)

But I digress. I do that. Let’s begin, shall we?

1)  In the beginning, The Bloggess created the heavens, the earth and all that dwells upon within (except for Nazis, she hates those guys), in six days. On the seventh day she rested by watching Doctor Who. She then came upon a realization: In order to fully experience the joys of humanity, she had to dwell among us as an equal. And so she chose a female form.

She soon regretted this action a few weeks into her first month among us…

2)  Her menagerie of stuffed animals is vast and impressive and has been expanded to include critics of her book. (She’s a sweet gal, but you don’t want to see her angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.)

3)  She is this close to replicating the cloning technology used in the sc-fi series, Orphan Black. Her husband, Victor, has no idea what lies ahead…

4)  Translated into binary code, her first book contains the cure fro every human ailment – and a recipe for kick-ass chicken soup.

5)  She is a trendsetter.

6)  Her first book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, (available wherever my book isn’t sold), was originally titled “It Happened. Deal With It, Bitches.” but weak-willed corporate drones nixed the idea. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good title. Hmm…

7)  She once opened a donut shop that sold the centers of donuts exclusively. Jenny’s Holes was quite popular – until her clientele realized they weren’t walking into a strip club.

8)  Underneath the suburban mom/wife exterior, she is a gangsta at heart.

9)  Jenny was scheduled to take on Hugh Jackman on the latest edition of Celebrity Boxing – until Jackman wimped out. Wolverine squeals like a little girl and Jenny is a hair puller.

10)  Kate Middleton was actually Prince William’s second choice of paramour. I can’t say much more, I’m afraid. (the Queen gets her royal knickers in a knot when family secrets are divulged and I’m a coward.)

And that, my friends, is how I thank people that have done me a good turn. With laughter. Because we could all use a hearty chuckle every once in a while and Jenny is no exception. She has her dark days but she never gives up. She is a shining example of what humanity is capable of when we ignore the voices, both external and otherwise, that urge us to abandon our dreams and instead roll up into a ball and sob uncontrollably.

She is a gifted storyteller. She is a funny chick. She is a friend. She has a great sense of humor.

I hope.

See you in the lobby, kids…