And Now, A Carlinesque Post.

As a bellman I’m often exposed to humanity’s uglier qualities like intolerance and self-loathing.

I need an emotional Hazmat suit. Do they make those? Never mind, I know what you’re thinking: “Yes they do, Hook. It’s called vodka.”

People in the service industry often develop customized ways of coping with the pressures of the job; some drink, others indulge in recreational drug use and couplings with strangers. Personally, I like to yell at deaf guests. They seem to be good-natured about it. (They’ve never complained to me.) I hate myself afterwards, but I’m a fan of irony so it’s all good.

It occurs to me that my recent foray into positive publishing via the 5×5 series has kept me from publishing any lists lately. Please allow me to rectify that while simultaneously paying tribute to the late George Carlin.

Hotel Guests Who Outta be Killed

1)  Wives who, when it comes time to tip me, say, “My husband has all the money.”  (I’ve been married for 19 years, ladies… You’re not fooling anyone.)

2)  Husbands who are foolish enough to bring their “girlfriend” (i.e. a hooker) to the same hotel they bring their wife and kids.

3)  Anyone foolish enough to believe they’ll find peace and quiet in a hotel in Niagara Falls in August.

4)  Anteaters for whom the word sophistication refers to their boxed wine, imitation Coach products and laptop bags – from their local Walmart.

5)  Jersey Shore wannabes who call me “Boss”.

6)  Parents who use a baby stroller as a luggage rack – without removing the baby.

7)  Hookers who transmit STDs via a single look.

8)  Hookers who visit my hotel three times. In a single night. In the same clothes.

9)  Parents who treat their responsibilities as hobbies and whose daughters eventually become hookers as a means of therapy. For these girls allowing someone else to fill a hole within them is a way of filling a hole within them.  (Except it doesn’t work. Ever.)

10)  Guys named Chad who prefer their “bitches” call them C-Dawg, and who upon check-in, hand me ten boxes of shoes in their original, immacualte boxes – before handing me three laundry baskets full of their clothes.

11)  Guys named Chad who refer to their girlfriends as “bitches”.

12)  Anyone who perpetrates an act of violence against anyone else in my hotel. One schmuck in particular was truly original: He bit his girlfriend’s nose during an argument at the concierge desk.

(And yes, that statement is dripping with irony, but to be fair, you were warned.)

13)  Anyone deluded enough to believe I’ll be satisfied with a hearty “Thank you!” rather a monetary gratuity. The word “thank” followed by “you” becomes an instrument of painful irony when delivered by a hotel guest. There may be a measure of sincerity present but the result is always the same: The hospitality worker walks away filled with anger and self-loathing.  

14)  Families who spend more time interacting with their personal electronic devices than each other. That having been said, if you’re one of these people and you’re reading this, thank you. Now get back to the real world, ya prick!

And finally…

15)  Anyone foolish enough to take my advice.

Please allow me to elaborate. A middle-aged LL Cool J clone once found himself exasperated by his place at the end of a ridiculously long check-in line filled with Methuselahan ivory guests at the first hotel I called home. Fortunately for him, we encountered one another just as my bold personality was beginning to take shape.

“You work here, Boss, ” he deduced, in a manner worthy of Holmes himself, “How do I get past all these white people and get checked in? My baby and I have been on the road for ten hours and I need to bust one before I burst!”

Charming, right?

“The answer is as simple as the nos eon your face, sir,” I began, “Just be yourself.”

Naturally, he was slightly confused by my cryptic advice so I elaborated. He them returned to line and began to rock back and forth while sporting a wild look in his eyes. Of course, this immediately caught the attention of the lily-white crowd and he went into action.

“Are you kidding me? What does a black man have to do to get some service up in this here bitch?”

Naturally, every pacemaker in the crowd began to furiously beep. That’s when my new friend took it up a notch.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I DON’T GET SOME SERVICE SOON I’LL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN!”

Needless to say, the line parted like the Red Sea and the rest is Hook history.

Well, that’s all for now. My work here is done.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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91 Responses to And Now, A Carlinesque Post.

  1. Katie says:

    “Wives who, when it comes time to tip me, say, “My husband has all the money.” (I’ve been married for 19 years, ladies… You’re not fooling anyone.)” Truer words have never been written…

    And thanks for reaffirming my belief that men hate to be called boss, chief, pal, bud, etc. Hilarious as always, Hook.

  2. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Yeah, you are a stronger person than me.

    What is wrong with boxed wine though?

  3. Eva says:

    Great piece, Hook. I miss Carlin. And Hicks.

  4. Humanity needs Watchers. To record it all. As long as one weeps, we’re not totally lost.
    (3 times in one night – same clothes – oh, Honey, Mom’s never going to believe that story about saving for medical school…)
    Talk about bullies – drawn like magnets to the place?
    Hook, you deserve all the Comic Con events available
    (Tellin’ ya, there a graphic novel there in your life)

  5. kerbey says:

    It’s official: I could never do your job. I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone Boss (even my boss) or C-Dawg. But I’m not very gangsta.

  6. As always, thanks for making me smile and laugh out loud (in the middle of a meeting!!)
    n the last three weeks, I’ve spent nights in Fargo, Denver, Sioux Falls and Omaha hotels…the people watching there isn’t as interesting as yours, but I certainly love working on my Dakoooootah accent 🙂
    (note to self: unpack between trips and rotate clothing choices!)

  7. Brother Jon says:

    There’s someone going around named “International Bellhop” liking my post. Alias? Or enemy?

  8. Well now I’ve learned how to get service fast and for that I thank you. 😉

  9. lensgirl53 says:

    #14 is my pet peeve of all digital time….when reading this entire post as hearing the voice of “Jeff” (Patrick Warburton) in Rules of Engagement …it is even funnier. 😉 …xo dale

  10. List of X says:

    “Hookers who visit my hotel three times. In a single night. In the same clothes”.
    It’s called “a uniform”.
    About (14)… Is it ok if every one of them is reading your blog?

  11. Hotels stories are the best. Sadly, my guests are all very tame compared to yours and give me no fodder whatsoever!!

  12. Excellent list! 🙂 I hated to laugh so much because I know they are all true stories, but I still did! 🙂

  13. Robin says:

    I feel like you could be my hotel “therapist”. Read into that what you will.

  14. Twindaddy says:

    They should film a reality show at your hotel.

  15. Great list, Hook! I do have an exception for the rule about who has the money. Over the past several years He-Who has taken to only using Interact. He pays for meals, hotels, etc. with his Debit. When it comes to the kid at the door “collecting”, tips for Doormen or Chambermaids, bridge tolls, etc. he always looks at me and says, “I don’t have any cash on me, do you?” Now when I go to the bank I refuse to take out more than $40 dollars at a time because I know he will spend it before I get a chance to.

  16. renxkyoko says:

    LOL to the last part ! !

  17. Business is that good for hookers?! I wonder if they have a decent dental plan? Probably not.

    I hate bullies. Especially the kind that require a lot of attention. I have a special place of respect in my heart for the denziens of the service industry. It requires a good, strong back, that’s for sure.

  18. True enough…we women got da money, honey…but if my hubby is the one getting in the car, I gives him da cash! We are very generous when it comes to tipping every person whom we receive service from. Bellhops, valets, servers, groomers, nail techs……it doesn’t matter! You work hard! A simple “thank you” is not enough 😦
    Entertaining as always Robert…….love your stories! Thank you for the laughs! 😉

  19. Money don’t buy no class, capisce? (Ugh)

    I have a guy who calls me boss. But he works for me. So I let it be. The other one is “guy”. “Hey guy, what’s up”. Really?

    I tell my staff this – I am not dude, bro, yo, guy, hey, buddy, pal, chief, or bff. I am Chef. Thank you and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out (that’s my work big boy voice…ha ha).

    Great stuff…graphic novel indeed.

  20. First off, Hi, my friend – been some time but I’ve been under a pile of boxes!
    That list is truly ‘doable’! As for the last guy – how were you to know? The advice was right though – it worked in the end – didn’t it?!!! 🙂
    PS Carlin’s was a great loss…

  21. Britt says:

    I love lobby stories. This one deserves a huge tip.

  22. I couldn’t do your job. I’d be telling someone how and where. Did these people learn how to be stupid hotel guests from Hollywood? What a merry-go-round you see. What a menagerie of misfits and I am being kind.

  23. The Cutter says:

    Why SHOULD the hooker change her clothes? It’s not like the paying customers are going to know she was wearing the same outfit on another “date.”

  24. Trent Lewin says:

    Oh man, that is some cyncial, slightly-downerish stuff… you have obviously seen a crap load of stuff. I wonder if it’s in part because it’s the Falls… must be nuts round about there.

  25. girlseule says:

    Wow, I can’t believe some people are stupid enough to bring ‘girlfriend’s’ to the same hotel as their families. You really must see it all hey! That last story really made me laugh too.

  26. Why am I all of a sudden happy that I don’t have to deal with hotel guests?

  27. 1jaded1 says:

    I’m sure Carlin would have laughed.

  28. Aussa Lorens says:

    A guy bit his girlfriend’s nose?! On purpose?! How does that even work…..

  29. Paul says:

    Whew! Sometimes it’s hard to believe how ignorant people can be. On the flip side of the coin, Hook, I bet you see thousands of people weekly who are kind and respectful – sprinkled with the occassional idiot. I drove commercially for a living for many decades and the situation is the same – thousands doing a good job on the road and a few a-holes. I firmly believe that karma will catch up with them – just smile, tip your hat and let them know – Speed on brother, Hell ain’t but half full yet.

  30. I found the list heartbreaking Hook.

  31. Chatty Owl says:

    Oh, you bitter Hook! haha. I’d say “Thank you boss” next time im at your lobby 😉

  32. RIGHT?! Aren’t Chads just the worst?!

    If I ever visit your hotel I will tip you with a medal for patience. And a thank you. Haha I kid. I will bring real money.

  33. Dang, the nose-biting thing is nuts.

    I have but one suggestion for your list: Just kill everyone named Chad. That name and douchiness go hand in hand.

  34. Jo Bryant says:

    Wow…life is always interesting around you

  35. A millions cheers for #11, regardless of the dude’s name. Your job sometimes seems like equal parts bellman work, investigative journalism and psychology. 😉

  36. PS Very late notice, I realize, but I’d love to have you join my Beauty of A Woman BlogFest! Details are on my blog – takes place next week. Have a great weekend regardless. 🙂

    • The Hook says:

      You too, August!
      I don’t have time to join the party but I’ve got to start dropping by your place more often. After all, you’re one of the best there is.

  37. THIS ONE FOR SURE GOT MY ATTENTION:”Husbands who are foolish enough to bring their “girlfriend” (i.e. a hooker) to the same hotel they bring their wife and kids.”
    SICK PEOPLE
    thanks for remembering me and my blog HOOK. I am in college full time, plan on graduation in AUG. I went from owning a Barber Shop to Security go figure!

  38. Wow. Never a dull moment. I do not envy you this job!

  39. bethteliho says:

    People can be such douche canoes. The whole time I was reading, I was reminded of my years in the service industry. First as a waitress, then a bartender. Purely for quality control and character-adjustment, I think everyone should have to work in some aspect of the service industry for at least two years. I swear it would help humanity.

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