Bits ‘n Bites.

I’m chalk full of random stuff today, folks, so bear with me.

And no, I’m not just referring to the wildly-varying diet of the modern bellman. (Trust me, if I recounted that list you’d be amazed at the fact I’m still alive.) No, today is all about the various events/happenings/disasters that have recently unfolded in this Hodge-podge of joy/madness I boldly refer to as a life.

INSPECT THIS!

Well, as suspected, the much-hyped inspection was, much like my first sexual experience, rather anticlimactic. For the bellmen, at least.

The new inspector, an Olivia Newton-John clone (current Olivia, not Grease Olivia), opened one of the doors to our backroom (our bellmen’s room has more openings than a circus freak), took a quick look at the ceiling, looked over at me while I was engaged in a comic, said “Hello” in a incredibly chirpy manner and took off. My response can be summed up thusly…

That’s it? I polished carts for this? I haven’t polished a cart in a decade! Literally! Why? By all that is holy in this universe… why?

But that was that. I think the rest of the hotel just squeaked by, but who cares? The fact remains, I had to polish luggage carts, a disgusting, messy job that I’ve shouldn’t have to do anymore. As they say, I’ve done my time – not that the Universe cares…

“Hey! My first nerd!”

Not quite. Every once in a blue moon I run into a young, gorgeous female guest who loves life so much she’ll even flirt with a middle-aged, slightly balding (okay, not so balding), nerd. I love those days.

Picture it: Ten in the morning on a Sunday in Room 1614. She was blonde, with hazel eyes that looked though to your soul – though I doubt she’d have the attention span to examine said soul. She was sporting a Wonder Woman t-shirt that was being stressed to its limits.

“I just love Wonder Woman! It’s cool to be a fangirl these days, right? Having a vagina rocks!”

My response doubled her over, a position I’m certain was more than a little familiar to her.

“Well, I’m more of a fanboy, what with the penis and all.”

I know what you’re thinking, but she opened the door to the dirty talk with the “V” word.

As I said, she was literally bowled over by my scathing and ridiculously-inappropriate wit. She quickly recovered though.

“You’re HILARIOUS!!! Do you wear fanboy t-shirts?”

At that point I opened my uniform jacket and revealed my Black Lantern T which hung over my abbless frame. (Yes, “abbless” is a word.) Her mouth hung open for a moment and then it was on like Donkey Kong. Her eyes glazed over. She adopted a husky tone. She moved close to me in the doorway… alittletooclose.

“You know… if we hooked up… which we could do very easily… you’d be my first nerd!”

Needless to say, after unfogging my glasses and moving away from her, I politely declined. She was crushed (I’m betting), but she was fine. (There are few things I fear more than my wife in full rage mode. Plus, I wouldn’t hurt VampireLover for all the tail in the world.) But it was nice to be asked.

Let’s Play Ball!

Actually, let’s not. Apparently there’s a big baseball game in Toronto tonight, but I’m a nerd, so it’s strictly Murdoch Mysteries for me. Unfortunately, Murdoch will be preempted by…

There’s an election?

Yes, there is an election unfolding in the Great White North today, which means my beloved Murdoch Mysteries will be interrupted by election results. Maybe I’m just jaded but I fail to see the point of all this election stuff. If there’s one constant in politics, it’s that nothing ever really changes. I’m not bitter just realistic, I swear.

And finally…

If you haven’t been keeping up with my second book, currently unfolding on Wattpad, then I guess you don’t really love me. I understand.

But if you do care about that sort of thing, my latest chapter is up and running and if I do say myself, it is nothing short of brilliant. it is the sort of thing angels weep at – before spontaneously combusting from sheer joy. Forget the so-called “Good Book”, this is the greatest tome ever written by a mere mortal.

Or it maybe a total piece of crap. You decide. Either way, here you go.

The Hook: Year One

That’s it?

As I often tell the wife, “I’ve done my best, but that’s all I have in the tank.”

See you in the lobby, kids…