I’m your worst nightmare, folks… a middle-aged fanboy with a blog. ‘Nuff said, True Believers?
Everything you’re about to read is a fact. Except the stuff I made up. Of course, even that stuff may be a fact on a multiple Earth somewhere in the Multiverse.
50) It’s in Niagara Falls, a town built around one of nature’s greatest creations. (Next to my wife, orgasms and Ann St. Vincent.) My hometown is often labelled “tacky” and “overrun with tourist traps”, but the truth is, nothing beats a day of comics, celebrities and swag, followed by a drive along the Niagara Parkway while soaking in the beauty of the cataracts themselves. We may not be on the same level as Toronto, but we have natural beauty, kick-ass restaurants, hotels and events to compete with the best of them.
49) This goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway… THERE WILL BE COMICS!
48) Everyone is welcome at a con. The United Nations – and the world in general – could learn a thing or two from nerds; every outcast, geek, Trekkie, gamer, fan of every variety is welcome. Bullying is non-existent. A con is one nation, united by the immeasurable power of fandom. It’s a beautiful thing, really.
47) The Mistress of the Dark. Who doesn’t love Elvira? She practically invented self-deprecating humor, she finds the humor in the supernatural and she flashes cleavage like no one’s business. What’s not to love?
46) The original 1966 Batcopter. Too cool for words, right?
45) It gets me out of the house and away from the daily grind of slugging luggage for hordes of increasingly-hostile travelers.
44) K.I.T.T. Yes, you read that right… the actual K.I.T.T. from the classic TV adventure series, Knight Rider. Feel free to shudder with nerdy delight.
43) Enough video games for sale to put a gamer into a coma.
42) A 1980’s retro arcade zone. Pretty sure those gamers will be dropping like flies when they realize how close to Nerdvana they really are.
41) The actual General Lee. I doubt they’ll be jumping any bridges while fleeing from Roscoe P. Coltrane… but we can only hope.
40) Bacon. It’ll be there somewhere. Bacon makes everything better.
39) The 1966 Batcycle. Anyone can have the car, but the bike? Now that’s cool…
38) The Dr. Who Society of Canada. Feel free to scream like a Sontaran in heat, Whovians.
37) A video game arena. Someone’s going to get a stern verbal smack-down… no doubt followed by a sincere apology.
36) Magic: The Gathering. I’m not a card game guy – but I’m in the minority.
35) There will be girl there. Some of them will be recognizable as girls. Females make everything better.
34) There will be girls there. There will be nerds who pee themselves when those girls walk by them. The prospect is rife with comic (humor) possibilities.
33) Seam Astin. He was in the Fellowship of the Ring. And he was Rudy. How can you not root for the guy?
32) The Ontario Ghostbusters will be there so you know you’ll safe from pesky nerdy ghosts.
31) The 501st Legion Canadian Garrison will be in attendance. With any luck, they’ll get into a pitched battle with a crew of Trekkies. 30) There will be Pokémon cards, merchandise and tournaments. Gotta catch ’em all – apparently.
29) A table top gaming room. What’s old is nerdy again.
28) The Germans love him and Niagara has landed him: the Hoff will be rockin’ Niagara Falls Comic Con. Say what you will about his acting choices and personal trials, Hasselhoff isn’t just an actor/singer, he’s a personality. And he was the first actor to portray Nick Fury and that’s one helluva claim to nerdy fame.
27) Billy Dee! Billy Dee! He may have portrayed his best friend to the Empire, but Billy Dee Williams has been in the biz for over 50 years.
26) I mentioned comics, right?
25) Niagara Falls mayor Jim Diodati will be in attendance, as always. As far from a boring, stuffy political leader as one can get, Mayor Diodati is legendary for his post-con throw-downs with celebrities. The way I heard it, he came thisclose to beating Shatner last year. Damn Vulcan never pinch…
24) Alfonso Ribeiro is best known for his role as Carlton Banks on the hit television series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but did you know he’s also a twelfth-level warlock? Granted, it’s not what you call a “fact” that you’ll find in “books” or from “reputable sources”, but as a bellman, I hear things. My source must remain anonymous, but I’ll say this: DJ Jazzy Jeff gets pretty chatty after a free bag of weed finds its way into his hands…
23) They’ll have toys, both vintage and modern. To be clear, I’m referring to G-rated playthings, not the type of toys that’ll chip your girlfriend’s teeth. Perverts.
22) Pop. Or if you’re American, soda pop. You see, the wife is trying to keep me healthy so soft drinks are verboten in my home, and so I get excited when I have the opportunity to indulge.
21) Hershel from The Walking Dead will be there, with his head intact (as long as he doesn’t get into a battle with Mayor Diodati). Good luck, Scott Wilson.
20) Not only will the General Lee be there, Daisy Duke – the real Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach – will be flashing that smile that turned millions of fanboys (and fangirls) to jelly back in the day. Jessica Simpson, who?
18) Kids. I don’t know about you, but I love watching the little booger eaters overdose on sugar and run around the convention floor while freaking out at the sights, sounds and sensations of fandom at its finest. I place bets on how long it takes them to spontaneously combust.
17) There’s always a fat kid in a Superman costume who means well but who weighs more than Krypton and Earth combined. His spirit is willing but his flesh is flabby and smells like cheese. His antics will keep you entertained for hours.
16) Every trading card set known to fankind will be available for sale. I’m hoping to complete my “Saved by the Bell: Where Are They Now?” collection.
15) It’s reasonably priced. A ticket won’t force you to pawn grandma’s pacemaker at your local pawn shop. Again.
14) The lines. No, I’m not crazy. The wife had me tested. Twice. You see, I don’t mind waiting in lines when I’m surrounded by fun/eccentric people in costumes – especially when I know there’s a comic book payoff waiting for me.
13) Ryan Hurst. He’s one of the Son of Anarchy. They ride hogs (which I have been informed means “motorcycle”, but which is still cool), outsmart the fuzz, and bang hot broads, all of which is pretty appealing to hordes of young men who still live in their parents’ basement.
12) Luke Perry was supposed to be there but as anyone who has ever attended a convention Luke Perry was supposed to attend knows, he cancelled. He’s done that at every con I’ve ever attended that advertised his presence. The guy’s a train wreck and you know what they say about train wrecks, right? You just can’t look away…
11) Perry’s partner-in-TV-crime, Jason Priestley, is going to be there. Apparently. We’ll see…
10) Linda Blair is going to be lurking about. At least she’ll have a panoramic view of the proceedings, right?
(If you didn’t get that one, I’m not telling you. Watch a classic film every once in awhile, people!)
9) A con is a great place for me to prove to my wife that I’m really not that strange after all…
8) A con is a great place for me to try to prove to my daughter that her old man really isn’t that strange after all…
7) You won’t find better deals on impossible-to-find comics, trade paperbacks, action figures, kidneys, power rings and assorted treasures at any con in the known and unknown universe.
6) Manu Bennett will be there, swearing vengeance against anyone dressed as Oliver Queen.
5) Janes Bond’s suave, wisecracking, drug dealing nemesis, Robert Davi will be charming fans. That guy rules. He was in Showgirls, an underrated classic starring Jessie from Saved by the Bell. (You got to see her… “Saved by the Bells”; how often can you say that about a sitcom star?)
4) Garrett Wang (no offense, buddy), from Star Trek: Voyager will be steering clear of the Q Continuum’s John De Lancie.
3) Joe Pantoliano was in Daredevil, The Sopranos, The Fugitive, Goonies, and The Matrix. Joe Pantoliano is ridiculously cool and Niagara’s got him.
2) Superhero t-shirts, the preferred attire of nerds like me – and Sheldon Cooper – will be available in abundance and in wonderful varieties. The wife is already rolling her eyes.
1 A) My favorite Lois Lane (followed closely by Erica Durance, ‘natch), Margot Kidder, will be misspelling fans’ names. (Again, you have to be a hardcore fan to get my humor but I believe in challenging my readers. You’re welcome.)
1 B) My family has lost our center recently; my father-in-law was the finest man I’ve ever known and losing him has shaken us to our core. On a personal note, watching him leave this world for the next has changed me. I don’t want to speak of it at home, but I don’t know who I am anymore.
Fortunately, I’ve always felt at home on a convention floor, especially the one in my hometown. We all owe Paul Tappay a debt of thanks for beginning what is fast becoming a legendary con.
That’s all I have to say about Niagara Falls Comic Con 2015 – for now. See you on the convention floor, kids…