Self-Quarantine Tips From The Hook.

So the whole world’s gone mad with Corona fever (metaphorically speaking, of course) and you’re in self-imposed quarantine.

Now you’re thinking: “So what the hell do I do now, Hook?”

I’m glad you asked.

ONE)  Sit down and examine your finances with a fine-tooth comb. Most of us humans never plan for this sort of thing so if we’re off work for an extended period we’re basically screwed. But if you have a few pennies in the bank that you can use to keep yourself occupied, you can continue reading.

If not, then you better see which family members you can lean on until this storm passes. And I’d be breaking out the brass knuckles and seeking out any friends that owe you a few buckies.

 

TWO)  See if your pot dealer (stores are still too expensive, or so I’m told) is willing to make deliveries in bulk. And see if he’ll pick up a skid or two of Doritos and Mountain Dew in multiple flavors for you as well.

Note: The Hook does not endorse the use of recreational drugs. However, The Hook knows some people use them and always will, so…

 

THREE)  Don’t, and I cannot stress this enough… BUY MORE TOILET PAPER THAN YOU ACTUALLY NEED!  COVID-19 DOESN’T ACTUALLY GIVE YOU DIARRHEA, SO BE REALISTIC, YOU ANTEATERS!

 

FOUR)  Get yourself a shit-ton of Popsicle sticks (you can buy them without having to gain a hundred pounds in water weight now) and build a big-ass cottage or even a whole wooden community – which will be empty because everyone in it is forced to self-quarantine. Still, you can build a little hospital that will be overrun with hypochondriacs, an unemployment office that will be set on fire by angry residents who can’t get relief fast enough, a Walmart that will be out of toilet paper in minutes, and any other building you see fit to create.

And then you can blow it all to high heaven with a few firecrackers.

 

FIVE)  If you’re stuck indoors with your offspring of various ages it may be difficult to take advantage of the most obvious way to pass the time with your partner.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Various excuses that you could employ include:

• “We’re going to be moving furniture upstairs so just sit here and watch Disney Plus for two hours like good little rugrats, okay?”
• “Here are the keys to the liquor cabinet. Stay downstairs and have fun!”  (This is for older kids, obviously. Unless your little tikes are seasoned drinkers, that is.)
• “Mommy and Daddy are going to be conducting a seance upstairs. Don’t open the door, no matter what you hear, or you’ll release spirits into our world that will consume your souls like you consume Skittles. Disturb the rainbow, die by the rainbow!”
• “Daddy and Mommy need some ‘alone time’. Need I say more?” (They’ll be too horrified/scarred to give you any lip.)

Hey, I just realized something: Is the world ready for the inevitable baby boom this crisis is going to create? I think not.

 

SIX)  You can stream everything on every service available, from Rooku to Netflix to Disney Plus until your eyeballs bleed and your mind is reduced to cottage cheese. Have fun.

 

SEVEN)  Puzzles are a great way to pass the time. Unless you have a short attention span and a bad temper. In that case I suggest you advise other family members to do the puzzles but only after you’ve hidden at least one piece.

What happens inevitably will be the gift that keeps on giving.

 

EIGHT)  Clean out your house, and if it’s warm enough, your garage and yard. We’re all guilty of hoarding to a degree and of course, of putting off various jobs around the house. I’ve been married for a quarter-century and I have jobs my wife has requested of me that will never get done.

Don’t be me. It’s not as much fun as it looks.

Use this downtime to scrub those tubs, paint those rooms, clean out those attics or basements, and whatever else it takes to elevate your home’s appeal. DIY sucks if you’re not handy like me but it’s something to do, so have at it!

 

NINE)  Make lemonade!

Of course, in this scenario the lemons are a flu-like-virus… So I’m not sure this tip is worth following.

 

TEN)  Do whatever the hell you want to! Read a book. Write a book. Start a blog dedicated to cat herding. Take up knitting. The sky’s the limit (but you can’t actually fly) so let your mind free and see where it take you, people!

And that’s all I have for you.

See you in the lobby but not the toilet paper aisle, kids…