Self-Quarantine Tips From The Hook.

So the whole world’s gone mad with Corona fever (metaphorically speaking, of course) and you’re in self-imposed quarantine.

Now you’re thinking: “So what the hell do I do now, Hook?”

I’m glad you asked.

ONE)  Sit down and examine your finances with a fine-tooth comb. Most of us humans never plan for this sort of thing so if we’re off work for an extended period we’re basically screwed. But if you have a few pennies in the bank that you can use to keep yourself occupied, you can continue reading.

If not, then you better see which family members you can lean on until this storm passes. And I’d be breaking out the brass knuckles and seeking out any friends that owe you a few buckies.

 

TWO)  See if your pot dealer (stores are still too expensive, or so I’m told) is willing to make deliveries in bulk. And see if he’ll pick up a skid or two of Doritos and Mountain Dew in multiple flavors for you as well.

Note: The Hook does not endorse the use of recreational drugs. However, The Hook knows some people use them and always will, so…

 

THREE)  Don’t, and I cannot stress this enough… BUY MORE TOILET PAPER THAN YOU ACTUALLY NEED!  COVID-19 DOESN’T ACTUALLY GIVE YOU DIARRHEA, SO BE REALISTIC, YOU ANTEATERS!

 

FOUR)  Get yourself a shit-ton of Popsicle sticks (you can buy them without having to gain a hundred pounds in water weight now) and build a big-ass cottage or even a whole wooden community – which will be empty because everyone in it is forced to self-quarantine. Still, you can build a little hospital that will be overrun with hypochondriacs, an unemployment office that will be set on fire by angry residents who can’t get relief fast enough, a Walmart that will be out of toilet paper in minutes, and any other building you see fit to create.

And then you can blow it all to high heaven with a few firecrackers.

 

FIVE)  If you’re stuck indoors with your offspring of various ages it may be difficult to take advantage of the most obvious way to pass the time with your partner.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Various excuses that you could employ include:

  • “We’re going to be moving furniture upstairs so just sit here and watch Disney Plus for two hours like good little rugrats, okay?”
  • “Here are the keys to the liquor cabinet. Stay downstairs and have fun!”  (This is for older kids, obviously. Unless your little tikes are seasoned drinkers, that is.)
  • “Mommy and Daddy are going to be conducting a seance upstairs. Don’t open the door, no matter what you hear, or you’ll release spirits into our world that will consume your souls like you consume Skittles. Disturb the rainbow, die by the rainbow!”
  • “Daddy and Mommy need some ‘alone time’. Need I say more?” (They’ll be too horrified/scarred to give you any lip.)

Hey, I just realized something: Is the world ready for the inevitable baby boom this crisis is going to create? I think not.

 

SIX)  You can stream everything on every service available, from Rooku to Netflix to Disney Plus until your eyeballs bleed and your mind is reduced to cottage cheese. Have fun.

 

SEVEN)  Puzzles are a great way to pass the time. Unless you have a short attention span and a bad temper. In that case I suggest you advise other family members to do the puzzles but only after you’ve hidden at least one piece.

What happens inevitably will be the gift that keeps on giving.

 

EIGHT)  Clean out your house, and if it’s warm enough, your garage and yard. We’re all guilty of hoarding to a degree and of course, of putting off various jobs around the house. I’ve been married for a quarter-century and I have jobs my wife has requested of me that will never get done.

Don’t be me. It’s not as much fun as it looks.

Use this downtime to scrub those tubs, paint those rooms, clean out those attics or basements, and whatever else it takes to elevate your home’s appeal. DIY sucks if you’re not handy like me but it’s something to do, so have at it!

 

NINE)  Make lemonade!

Of course, in this scenario the lemons are a flu-like-virus… So I’m not sure this tip is worth following.

 

TEN)  Do whatever the hell you want to! Read a book. Write a book. Start a blog dedicated to cat herding. Take up knitting. The sky’s the limit (but you can’t actually fly) so let your mind free and see where it take you, people!

And that’s all I have for you.

See you in the lobby but not the toilet paper aisle, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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33 Responses to Self-Quarantine Tips From The Hook.

  1. Good advice, Hook. Reading a book is the best part.

  2. Didn’t think about the baby boom handle…………………. bloody hell!

  3. awtytravels says:

    I’ve family in lockdown in Italy (together with about 60 million other locals and I bet a fair few dogs and cats, so it’s not as if they’re the only ones out there). Anyway I rang my old man and brother the other day and told them that here in stiff-upper-lipped Britain people have gone batshit crazy and are hoarding bog roll as if it’s going out of fashion. Silence on the other end of the line.
    “Bog roll? Why?” was the unanimous answer. Apparently there’s plenty of bog roll in Italy.

  4. Your realization of the baby boom that may occur in 9 months reminded me of this…”One day, in 2033, we shall witness the rise of ‘The Quaranteens”.

  5. A little humor never hurts:)

  6. susielindau says:

    😂😂😂
    All of the above.

  7. Doug in Sugar Pine says:

    I just got a new pair of JBL earphones for $12 off of Amazon, so I’m leaning heavily on music…

  8. It’s no fun if you don’t hide one puzzle piece – works for any puzzle: boxed of life!

  9. A ha ha haaa….. just about right! Stay safe, my friend! 😉

  10. curvyroads says:

    I got a well-needed laugh out of this, my friend! I’ve been absent a long time from reading, much less actual writing, but should have some time to catch up now! 😜

  11. jlheuer says:

    Just recently dropped back into your blog. Still great sense of humor. Yeah, what the hell with the toilet paper? Maybe they are selling it on the black market? Keep the faith.

    • The Hook says:

      I’m trying but it’s not always easy.
      I need to finish this series but my ambition still hasn’t perked up.

      Keep the faith as well, old friend!

  12. Jennie says:

    I like your advice, Hook. Always do. I’ve had to learn new new technology in order to teach remotely. Hard, draining, and the kids are loving seeing me in TV. I still hate technology. Our restaurant gives out a free roll of toilet paper with a takeout order. Their business is booming. Thanks for listening to my rambles this morning. 🙂

  13. I DID NOT get the toilet tissue overload either!!!! I mean did people think they were going to sh*&^g every day all day?? I do not have kids, and right now I’m kinda glad of that. I cannot imagine trying to help a child with homework from math and other subjects I haven’t studied since the 90’s!!! Can you imagine?? *faints*

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