Blue Monday Can Go Duck Itself!

(I promised my kid I’d curse less. But it’s duckin’ hard.)

So anyway, it’s Blue Monday, the name given to a day in January deemed to be the most depressing day of the year. And who do we have to blame for this bullship? In 2005 a  press release from travel company Sky Travel claimed to have calculated the date using an equation that took into account weather conditions and only applied to the Northern hemisphere.

The idea is considered pseudoscience, with its formula derided by scientists as nonsensical, which means Gwyneth Paltrow sacrifices eighty virgins and bathes in their blood on Blue Monday.

Maybe.

(I use pseudo-facts to write my posts.)

So it’s Blue Monday, a day dedicated to  misery and mental suffering, which, coincidentally, can only be alleviated by booking a trip you can’t afford with Sky Travel or some other schmucks.

Screw that.

 

Don’t let Blue Monday get the better of you, my friends. I sure don’t. Here’s why:

 1)  I have IBS and spend several hours a week locked in a bathroom engaged in physical exertion. It has never been fun. Not once.

2)  My IBS has given me a distended stomach so it appears that the only beverage I ever consume is ale.

3)  I’m mostly bald.

4)  As a Niagara Falls bellman I get to slave away for serve travelers from all over the world and every level of Hell.

I cannot stress this enough: serving the public in this day and age is an exercise in the self-mutilation of one’s soul. Most people are great, but there is a small-but-growing-every-day percentage that should be beaten to death with frozen wolverine carcasses. This job will chew you up and spit you out like a piece of fifty cent street meat if you let it.

5)  I walk to work every day. Most of the time in the freezing Canadian cold. And sometimes I get chased by wild animals like horny skunks and half-blind possums and the occasional rabbit. And there are drunks and people who stand in driveways that aren’t theirs and pee on strange cars. (True story, it happened yesterday.)

6)  One of my best friends took his own life during a week that three other souls did the same in the same manner. (But there’s no problem with people plunging into the Falls, according to local authorities.)

7)  I have a bad knee. Granted, it’s from falling off a sawhorse when I should’ve used a ladder… but that’s beside the point.

8)  I once dreamt of writing for a living. But life beat that dream out of me. Now I just dream of waking up every day.

9)  Being a father means you have to hope you’re setting a good example for your kid. You want said child to see you as a paragon of humanity. Who needs that kind of pressure? (But I love my daughter.)

10)  My wife won’t let me eat KFC anymore. I love KFC. See my first-world problem?

And yet, all evidence to the contrary, I’m a happy guy, I swear! So if Blue Monday can’t touch me, you should be golden.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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38 Responses to Blue Monday Can Go Duck Itself!

  1. Your first world problem shows how much your wife loves you. I enjoyed the post, Hook. Blue Monday hasn’t a thing on you. 😁

  2. It’s Monday and I don’t feel blue. Tired yes, but blue, no. We’ve had a decent walk with the dog, done some shopping, had tea and cake at the cafe, cooked a lovely meal, and demolished a packet of chocolate hob nobs, what is there to be blue about? Oh yeah, calories, but they came in a blue packet which has been discarded, and as said hob nobs are now toast, no evidence! Yay! win win.

  3. Well said, Brave One:”serving the public in this day and age is an exercise in the self-mutilation of one’s soul” (It seems like “selfishness” and “self-focused” are not exactly the same thing, but in combination as is frequently these days, the result is pretty horrible to those around these individuals)
    It is what it is ( just like a cat or dog who wakes up with 3 legs instead of the 4 they had before – doesn’t seem to bother them, they just go with what they have)
    You make me smile, Hook. Onward through the fog

  4. Kay says:

    I love your posts. Thank you.

  5. Wishing you a gold Monday! Pure gold! You are a paragon Hook. Blue ain’t your colour.

  6. Blue Monday CAN go duck itself! LOL! Chin up… we are all in this together and none of us get out of here alive sugar! 😉

  7. Blue Monday is such a bunch of crap

  8. Blue Monday as in Blue Sky Monday – OH YEAH! Any day in January where the sun comes out is a winner, baby. P.S. Popeye’s is better than KFC. Don’t tell your wife. 😉

    Deb

    • The Hook says:

      I’ve tried Popeye’s once and I didn’t find it all that different.
      Mt father-in-law, God rest his soul, tried Popeye’s once and HATED it.
      His “Popeye’s story” has become legend in our family.

  9. I’ve never heard of Blue Monday before, until tonight when I saw a story about it on the news, then I read your post. F… now I’m depressed. 🙂 You have a good attitude though, gotta find and focus on the positive things in life!

  10. Doug in Sugar Pine says:

    Well, I’m not depressed by blue Monday, and besides, it’s Martin Luther King Jr. day, and he wouldn’t let any old blue Monday get him down. I mean, unless it was armed… But Wikipedia says that happened on a Thursday in April, so maybe we’re still good?

  11. Blue Monday, don’t tempt me. It’s been a rough almost 3 years. Actually I’ve never heard of Blue Monday. Too bad you’re not over the border here in the US. It’s been Martin Luther King Jr. day today. Pretty uplifting reading a bunch of his quotes scattered here and there.

  12. Mark Myers says:

    I’ll hold them if you produce the Wolverine carcass. The public is hard….

  13. I don’t know about “golden”. Maybe a little silverish.

  14. List of X says:

    But what if Australians come from their burning semi-desert country, see so much water just basically flowing down the drain, and decide that Americans and Canadians must be so rich if they can afford to waste so much water, and therefore they don’t need to be tipped?

  15. Tara says:

    Thank you for putting life in perspective. I’ve had some epiphanies recently that I’m still processing/fleshing out. Every day on this side of the grass, or in some cases – snow – is a good day. 🙂

  16. Dave Ply says:

    Blue Monday, a day dedicated to misery and mental suffering, with pseudo-facts. The impeachment trial begins. Coincidence? I think not.

  17. Doug in Sugar Pine says:

    So I noticed that the New York Times has published a guide to tipping in which they recommended a few dollars a bag for hotel porters.

    • The Hook says:

      Five dollars, total, is the average gratuity (assuming you get anything at all) and you’re right, Doug, that’s horribly outdated.

  18. Jennie says:

    Blue Monday just means there are many good/better days ahead. And I laughed – hard – at your post. Thanks for making the blues better, Hook.

  19. With depression the day of the week is completely meaningless. Trust me on this

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