(I promised my kid I’d curse less. But it’s duckin’ hard.)
So anyway, it’s Blue Monday, the name given to a day in January deemed to be the most depressing day of the year. And who do we have to blame for this bullship? In 2005 a press release from travel company Sky Travel claimed to have calculated the date using an equation that took into account weather conditions and only applied to the Northern hemisphere.
The idea is considered pseudoscience, with its formula derided by scientists as nonsensical, which means Gwyneth Paltrow sacrifices eighty virgins and bathes in their blood on Blue Monday.
(I use pseudo-facts to write my posts.)
So it’s Blue Monday, a day dedicated to misery and mental suffering, which, coincidentally, can only be alleviated by booking a trip you can’t afford with Sky Travel or some other schmucks.
Don’t let Blue Monday get the better of you, my friends. I sure don’t. Here’s why:
1) I have IBS and spend several hours a week locked in a bathroom engaged in physical exertion. It has never been fun. Not once.
2) My IBS has given me a distended stomach so it appears that the only beverage I ever consume is ale.
3) I’m mostly bald.
4) As a Niagara Falls bellman I get to
slave away for serve travelers from all over the world and every level of Hell.
I cannot stress this enough: serving the public in this day and age is an exercise in the self-mutilation of one’s soul. Most people are great, but there is a small-but-growing-every-day percentage that should be beaten to death with frozen wolverine carcasses. This job will chew you up and spit you out like a piece of fifty cent street meat if you let it.
5) I walk to work every day. Most of the time in the freezing Canadian cold. And sometimes I get chased by wild animals like horny skunks and half-blind possums and the occasional rabbit. And there are drunks and people who stand in driveways that aren’t theirs and pee on strange cars. (True story, it happened yesterday.)
6) One of my best friends took his own life during a week that three other souls did the same in the same manner. (But there’s no problem with people plunging into the Falls, according to local authorities.)
7) I have a bad knee. Granted, it’s from falling off a sawhorse when I should’ve used a ladder… but that’s beside the point.
8) I once dreamt of writing for a living. But life beat that dream out of me. Now I just dream of waking up every day.
9) Being a father means you have to hope you’re setting a good example for your kid. You want said child to see you as a paragon of humanity. Who needs that kind of pressure? (But I love my daughter.)
10) My wife won’t let me eat KFC anymore. I love KFC. See my first-world problem?
And yet, all evidence to the contrary, I’m a happy guy, I swear! So if Blue Monday can’t touch me, you should be golden.
See you in the lobby, kids…