100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself #40.

I’ve been doing my best (mostly) to dissuade you, my fellow humans, from taking your own lives but let’s assume for a moment that my skills don’t really extend beyond packing a luggage cart like a boss while extracting a sizable gratuity from a guest’s wallet.

In other words, what if I fail?

Let’s say you’ve just can’t take it anymore; you’re too much in this world and it’s time to take matters into your own hands. That’s all well and good but what about the possibility of consequences of an eternal nature? 

#40: What If There’s A Hell?

I’m not a religious man though I have spent some years attending services at various churches intermittently, but I have to believe there’s a higher power at work in the universe. That said, the last few years have led me to the inescapable conclusion that God’s pretty much a dick.

He constantly beats us down with his weather wrath, but He doesn’t unleash enough of it to balance the world out by evening up the population. He allows the Kardashians to continue to exist and procreate. Our elected (apparently) leaders are out of control. The bees are going extinct. Dogs and cats really are living in sin. It’s the mass hysteria that Bill Murray predicted we’d experience decades ago. Of course, all that may be our own doing but I’m blaming the Big Guy instead.

So if an All-Mighty Creator exists, it stands to reason that an Infernal Soul does as well, right?


Sadly, I doubt Satan resembles Elizabeth Hurley in any way…

And if the Devil is real then so is his domain, where, if every priest, nun, and other religious zealot I’ve ever met is right, your eternal soul will face eternal judgement. Now, I don’t know about you, but I refuse to take a chance on eternal damnation, even if the source is suspect to say the least. I mean, sure, the modern-day church has its share of PR problems, but the stakes are too high to roll the dice.

That said, do I believe for a second that my friend’s soul is writhing in agony since he left this world of his own accord? Hell no. My friend is and always will be one of the kindest, most genuine souls I’ve ever been blessed enough to know, and he’s in a warm place all right: A Heavenly version of his beloved Aruba not the pits of damnation.

But you may not be so lucky.

None of us are without sin, it’s true, but most of those sins are bush league when placed in the big picture. However, when you combine those sins with the supposed “crime” of suicide, you’re stacking the deck against yourself. Sure, these days most religious figures will tell you that Heaven is still an option if you take your own life – but that’s only because many of them are so messed up they don’t want to acknowledge Hell’s existence at all, since they’re likely to wind up there.

So the long and short of it is this: No one really knows what lies beyond the veil so why take the chance? It may suck most of the time but life here on the mortal plane beats some dude with a pitchfork stabbing you endlessly while you’re forced to watch every press conference Sarah Sanders ever gave on an eternal loop.

Stay in school alive, kids.

See you in the lobby, friends…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Life and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to 100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself #40.

  1. Who wants to take the chance? I think you might have scared some straight with this one. Good job, Hook

  2. Doug in Oakland says:

    There was a Night Gallery episode called “Hell’s Bells” that explored the concept of what hell might be like to a modern person, in that case an aging hippie, and it turned out to be an endless stack of auto-playing easy listening records and the company of a boring old fart with slides from his vacation.
    The hippie ends up on his face on the floor beating it with his fists and moaning “Bummer!” over and over…

  3. You might decide to use your “free will”card and end it all…only to find out that since you didn’t value the life that was given, you will suffer lesser lives until you get it…like as a slug or crawfish or a cow on a big factory farm. Repeat and return at the bottom of the animal hierarchy over and over – that could be hellish, too

  4. susielindau says:

    My road to hell is paved with good intentions…

  5. The best reason of all!! There are going to be a lot of surprised folks when they die…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s