100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #57.

I have a confession to make.

It’s one that will shock some of you and inspire a few of you to utter the words, “Is the Hook serious? How is this even possible?”

The truth is, while I am rarely serious, I am about to tell the truth and trust me, we’re living in the age of trump: Anything is possible. So here we go…

I’ve never tried coffee.

Yes, I swear I’m fully human, my wife had me tested. And yes, I realize many of you are terrified and/or mystified right now, mainly because today’s reason to live holds a special place in your lives.

#57: Coffee.

It’s the drink that keeps the world chugging along; Coffee plants are now cultivated in over seventy countries, proving that there really are some things beyond the need to procreate and wage war that bind us all together. You can have it any way you like:

  • Espresso. (If you’re feeling particularly snooty.)
  • French press. (Whatever the hell that is.)
  • Caffè latte. (If you’re feeling Italian.)
  • With a shot of meth. (Don’t laugh, I’ve known a few guests who liked it that way. I don’t know them anymore, though.)

Visit any workplace in the free world and and you’ll see people who literally cannot function without their first cup of coffee in the morning. And then their second. Then they’re third and so on.


Be like Bill.  You know you want to.

Visit any college or university dorm (with a pass, of course) on a Monday morning and you’ll see coffee’s restorative powers revive hundreds of young people after they’ve punished their bodies past the point of sanity. 

It helps moms, dads, nannies, cops, robbers, and virtually everyone with the exception of me get through their day. If the world was a machine coffee would be it’s oil. Indeed, some medical practitioners genuinely believe coffee can help people live longer.

According to java legend, ancestors of today’s Oromo people in a region of Kaffa in Ethiopia were believed to have been the first to recognize the energizing effect of the coffee plant, especially after one of their legendary raves. (Hey, you don’t know they didn’t have raves back then. They probably just included human sacrifice.) The story of Kaldi, the 9th-century Ethiopian goat herder who discovered coffee when he noticed how excited his goats became after eating the beans from a coffee plant (there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere) also became legendary but is surpassed by the tale of Sheikh Omar.

Omar, who was known for his ability to cure the sick through prayer, was once exiled from Mocha in Yemen to a desert cave near Ousab. Starving, Omar chewed berries from nearby shrubbery but found them to be bitter. (What a shock.) He eventually tried boiling them to soften the seed, which resulted in a fragrant brown liquid. Upon drinking the liquid Omar was revitalized and sustained for days. As stories of this “miracle drug” reached Mocha, Omar was asked to return and was made a saint.

This explains the power of Starbucks in the modern world.

A Canadian hockey player built a business that eventually became an empire in more capable hands, around a simple cup of Joe. Tim Hortons is more than a place to grab a cuppa, it’s a part of the fabric of my home and native land.

Coffee is as essential as blood and oxygen to some of us and that’s all right. If you’re one of the many who worship at the altar of the bean make sure you seek out a premium cup when the walls begin closing in. It’s better to be jittery and energized than sad and depleted. I’ll say it again, so get used to it: Take solace in the little things when you need something to keep you going.

I could say more but I don’t want to. It’s difficult for me to write about something I’m not an expert in, which is why you’ll never see a lengthy post from me about DIY, sports or Tantric sex. Thank Dog, right?

I won’t see you at Timmies or Starbucks, but I’ll see you in the lobby, kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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33 Responses to 100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #57.

  1. ksbeth says:

    i’m a coffee fan and i remember this scene from a movie – ‘coffee and cigarettes’ )

  2. Another tour de force, Hook. If there is one liquid on this Earth that qualifies as essential I would say coffee is it. Sure there is water but enhanced with the beautiful taste and medicinal value of the coffee bean it has to be number one. Good job.

  3. I’m not a big fan, but I went to a coffeeshop in Cairo that’s been continuously, 24 hours a day, for over 200 years. Napoleon popped in as did Rommel and Montgomery

  4. List of X says:

    I’m not sure about suicides, but since drinking coffee makes other people more tolerable, coffee prevents quite a few murders, too.

  5. Love latte coffee. So does Maggie. The froth on a cappuccino is not worthy of her lick, but latte? Oh yeah!

  6. I have two confessions to make: First, I am wholly addicted to coffee and usually have two down before 9am. If I miss my coffee, I go into withdrawal. Second, despite my addiction, I am, considered by some, a horrible Canadian because I would rather experience coffee withdrawal than drink Timmy’s coffee. There you have it….

  7. ~Mar says:

    I just want to say… Oh how I love coffee. I’ve had the joy of introducing others to the tastiness of coffee. They quickly become fans. Another great post, friend!

  8. davidprosser says:

    I hope your soul feels better for that confession. I have one cup of coffee a day but the truth is I much prefer tea anyway. I drink a lot of Pepsi Max (never touch the other brand) Is tea your drink too maybe?

  9. Doug in Oakland says:

    I like coffee, but I don’t drink it any more as I’m mildly allergic and break out in rashes on my arms from it. Also, I avoid stimulants these days for my health, as I kinda overdid it with them when I was younger. I did consume my share, though, especially when I worked in restaurants where it was good, plentiful, and free.

  10. D. Parker says:

    This is great, as always. I don’t drink, coffee, never have but many folks seem to really like it, they just don’t have it on my planet, er, I mean, I never tried it on Earth, that is, my home planet Earth aka people treat me like an alien because I don’t drink coffee! lol 🛸🛸🛸
    I’ll phone home and then get back to reading more of your posts. 😉
    Hope this week is treating you kindly so far. 🙂

  11. Mark Myers says:

    Coffee is definitely one of my MRFL’s. (Main reason for living). But I suppose we can still be friends.

  12. I’ve tried coffee once or twice and I can’t stand the stuff. Not even coffee ice cream. Hate the taste. Which is weird, because I love the smell when it’s brewing. And over the years, I’ve brewed many a pot at work. I’m a tea person, and even there I usually drink decaf. Call me boring.

  13. Dave Ply says:

    That is remarkable. Never even tried it? I’ve got to wonder why. As for me, I don’t drink the stuff, but mainly because I find the taste beyond vile. My folks drank it like it was the last drink they’d ever get. Makes me wonder if I was adopted, and inherited someone else’s genes.

  14. Julie says:

    I’m on the non coffee side. My dear old dad loved it, but somehow I never acquired the taste, much like mariner to mother. Not to worry, I picked up enough of daddy’s habits, I can snatch a gin soaked olive outta a martini like a ninja!

  15. curvyroads says:

    But another great reason not to commit suicide. 🙂 I was amazed by how many of your commenters don’t drink coffee either! I myself do drink at least 2 cups every day but it’s half caf, so I guess I’m only half addicted. 🤣

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