I have a confession to make.
It’s one that will shock some of you and inspire a few of you to utter the words, “Is the Hook serious? How is this even possible?”
The truth is, while I am rarely serious, I am about to tell the truth and trust me, we’re living in the age of trump: Anything is possible. So here we go…
I’ve never tried coffee.
Yes, I swear I’m fully human, my wife had me tested. And yes, I realize many of you are terrified and/or mystified right now, mainly because today’s reason to live holds a special place in your lives.
It’s the drink that keeps the world chugging along; Coffee plants are now cultivated in over seventy countries, proving that there really are some things beyond the need to procreate and wage war that bind us all together. You can have it any way you like:
- Espresso. (If you’re feeling particularly snooty.)
- French press. (Whatever the hell that is.)
- Caffè latte. (If you’re feeling Italian.)
- With a shot of meth. (Don’t laugh, I’ve known a few guests who liked it that way. I don’t know them anymore, though.)
Visit any workplace in the free world and and you’ll see people who literally cannot function without their first cup of coffee in the morning. And then their second. Then they’re third and so on.
Visit any college or university dorm (with a pass, of course) on a Monday morning and you’ll see coffee’s restorative powers revive hundreds of young people after they’ve punished their bodies past the point of sanity.
It helps moms, dads, nannies, cops, robbers, and virtually everyone with the exception of me get through their day. If the world was a machine coffee would be it’s oil. Indeed, some medical practitioners genuinely believe coffee can help people live longer.
According to java legend, ancestors of today’s Oromo people in a region of Kaffa in Ethiopia were believed to have been the first to recognize the energizing effect of the coffee plant, especially after one of their legendary raves. (Hey, you don’t know they didn’t have raves back then. They probably just included human sacrifice.) The story of Kaldi, the 9th-century Ethiopian goat herder who discovered coffee when he noticed how excited his goats became after eating the beans from a coffee plant (there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere) also became legendary but is surpassed by the tale of Sheikh Omar.
Omar, who was known for his ability to cure the sick through prayer, was once exiled from Mocha in Yemen to a desert cave near Ousab. Starving, Omar chewed berries from nearby shrubbery but found them to be bitter. (What a shock.) He eventually tried boiling them to soften the seed, which resulted in a fragrant brown liquid. Upon drinking the liquid Omar was revitalized and sustained for days. As stories of this “miracle drug” reached Mocha, Omar was asked to return and was made a saint.
This explains the power of Starbucks in the modern world.
A Canadian hockey player built a business that eventually became an empire in more capable hands, around a simple cup of Joe. Tim Hortons is more than a place to grab a cuppa, it’s a part of the fabric of my home and native land.
Coffee is as essential as blood and oxygen to some of us and that’s all right. If you’re one of the many who worship at the altar of the bean make sure you seek out a premium cup when the walls begin closing in. It’s better to be jittery and energized than sad and depleted. I’ll say it again, so get used to it: Take solace in the little things when you need something to keep you going.
I could say more but I don’t want to. It’s difficult for me to write about something I’m not an expert in, which is why you’ll never see a lengthy post from me about DIY, sports or Tantric sex. Thank Dog, right?
I won’t see you at Timmies or Starbucks, but I’ll see you in the lobby, kids…