100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #85.

There was a gentleman in his Seventies who recently joined the ranks of lost souls who have given themselves over to despair and leapt into the depths of Niagara Falls; the Niagara Parks Police found his parked car nearby, loaded with self-help books in the backseat.

He was fighting for his life in his own way until the very end.

Perhaps if he had been able to hold on for a little while longer he could’ve found a reason to stay on this earth until his life ended naturally. Perhaps something as simple as a jolt of flavor, delivered in a meal millions of us consume every day could’ve made the difference, you never know.

#85: Pizza.

The term pizza was first recorded in the 10th century in a Latin manuscript but modern-day pizza pie was invented in Naples and is now the number one food of choice for hotel residents everywhere. But is it worth living for when you’re feeling like jumping right into the Grim Reaper’s arms?

If it’s prepared right, it sure as hell is.


Be like Homer. He’s too lost in his love for pizza to be depressed.


There are as many types of pizza as there are problems running though our heads, so you’ll never be bored with this dish. And yes, I realize that too much pizza will transform you into a fat bastard who can’t leave their couch and then you’ll have another reason to be fatally depressed…. But one issue at a time, people!

Of course, most of the time we scarf this most delicious form of pie back so fast we barely have time to register how it tastes. If you’ve never really thought about it (and most of us don’t): Taste is the sensation produced when a substance in the mouth experiences a chemical reaction with taste receptor cells located on buds in the oral cavity on the tongue. Taste, along with smell and trigeminal nerve stimulation (registering texture, pain, and temperature), determines flavors of food and/or other substances. Humans have taste receptors on taste buds (gustatory calyculi) and other areas including the upper surface of the tongue and the epiglottis. The gustatory cortex is responsible for the perception of taste.

It’s science, kids! Learning can be fun!

So if God, or whichever deity you believe is responsible for your creation, went to so much trouble to give you a sense of taste it would be downright disrespectful to not utilize it fully, wouldn’t it?

A true Italian (as opposed to some wannabe-Sopranos poser) will tell you that pizza prepared in a stone oven is the purest way to enjoy this dish but if you can’t find an establishment that fits the bill you can always go online and find reviews for your local pizza parlors. Considering the stakes, you’ll want to put a little effort into this search, so the cat videos and celebrity dish can wait. Once you’ve settled upon a suitable restaurant you may want to consider inviting a friend or two to join you. I’ve always found that offering to pick up the check is the perfect way to entice perspective dining companions.

And if the topic of conversation steers towards your inner darkness, in-between the age old battle of whether pineapple is a suitable topping, so be it. The deliciousness of the pizza will help to balance out the weight of the discussion and even if it doesn’t, who cares? You’ll never find your way out of the dark if you don’t start stumbling around and talking about it with those closest to you. You can always find a headshrinker later on if you feel your friends suck at that sort of thing. 

So get some unbelievably-tasty pizza pie into your gullet and set those worries aside for now. That’s an order.

See you in the lobby, amicos…

(“Amico” is Italian for friend. I told you learning is fun.)

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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17 Responses to 100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #85.

  1. Pizza with a beer or a diet soda is the best.

    • The Hook says:

      I don’t drink beer and soda kills my stomach now (thanks, IBS!) but I hear you, Kate.

      • I have IBS too. I can drink a beer and the occasional soda (very rarely) but there is so much else I can’t even think of eating or drinking. Fortunately pizza isn’t one of them. (I’m looking at you cheesecake!)

  2. Doug in Oakland says:

    Reminds me of Warren Zevon when he was still doing TV interviews while he was dying of cancer.
    He said he had a newfound appreciation for a sandwich.

  3. Food can work wonders. “Eat” – mother knew best when she said that.

  4. If there is anything that could stop a swan dive into the falls it would be pizza. Who would want to leave that behind? Huh? Great post, Hook.

  5. Pizza doesn’t really do it for me, but I get the point. As I’ve told you, the suicide thing is close to my heart and experience

  6. curvyroads says:

    Pizza is indded a solid reason, mio amico! Oh, and now I’m hungry 😀

  7. I like pizza.. don’t love pizza but I have had some mighty fine pie in my time. I got burned out on it in college so there are a lot of things I will eat first but a good pie is nothing to sneeze at! 😉

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