100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #90.

Taste is the most powerful of all our senses.

Discuss among yourselves – but do it later, I have business to conduct right now. And today that business begins with that distinctive “pop, pop” sound of… You guessed it… Gunfire. Yes, I loves me a good drive-by, I surely do.

Not buying it? What, white boys can’t engage in good old fashioned street violence now? All right time to get to the point, the real one.

I love popcorn. I love it as much as Louis C. K. loves exposing himself while mocking victims of school shootings. And that’s a whole lot of lovin’, baby.

From the smell, the texture, the look (like little brains that have exploded in a symphony of sound and fury!) the way the artery-clogging butter glistens on its surface, popcorn is one of the Big Guy’s greatest creations, It’s right up there with my wife, orgasms and comic books. And yes, in that order.

I can’t truly enjoy a film in a theater without it. Canadian cinemas no longer serve popcorn in buckets (I lobby against this travesty every election season but politicians care more about the glamorous causes like taxes and illegal budgie fighting rings) but one of the best things about going to New York City with my daughter is visiting the AMC Empire 25 theater at 234 West 42nd Street, and diving into a ginormous Yankee-sized bucket of the stuff. God bless America and it’s penchant for extremism.

My earliest memories of the white stuff (not cocaine!) stem from that glorious creation that’s led to more than one four-alarm kitchen fire, Jiffy Pop. If you’re not familiar with this bygone snack of another era take a gander below…

“It’s science, kids! Now go get in the back of my van!”

All good now? Then we’ll continue.

Jiffy Pop was a magnificently-innocent, interactive snack that brought families together. If the video above takes you back to a simpler time long before the age of the microwave I hope it brings good memories with it. Hold onto those memories. Hold onto your love of a snack like popcorn (we all have a favorite). But whatever you do… Hold on.

Food can do more than just make us grow love handles and increase our cholesterol count tenfold, it can shake long-buried recollections loose and most importantly, it keeps us alive. But more than that, it should be fun to consume! Popcorn fits the bill in every way. I don’t care how broken you may be, everyone has a cherished/unforgettable memory that involves popcorn in some way.

For me it was snacking on a giant glass bowl of delicious Jiffy Pop while watching The Love Boat with Cheryl Harrison in her parent’s basement on a Saturday night. (This was long before Netflix or even VHS recorders, kids, truly the Dark Ages) She swiped some of her mom’s peppermint Schnapps out of the liquor cabinet and while I didn’t drink, I was more than happy to allow her to take a few swigs, thus hopefully ensuring a carnal elementary school victory for yours truly.

As Gopher and Julie chatted on the Lido Deck, we dry humped like two awkward, inexperienced rabbits. Then she threw up on me.

The best part of this tale? It wasn’t even my worst date ever.

So if your demons come calling just throw a packet of Orville Redenbacher in the microwave, select a season of Stranger Things from the Netflix menu and hold on. Even the simplest of pleasures is still a pleasure and pleasure trumps pain every time.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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17 Responses to 100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #90.

  1. Mark Myers says:

    JIFFYPOP!!! Excellent reason.

  2. Somehow you were able to make popcorn weird! My husband loves the stuff and the smell is addictive. I don’t need it unless I smell it, then get out of my way! I remember Jiffy Pop very well.

  3. Popcorn could save lives for sure. Super post, Hook.

  4. My childhood memory of popcorn was getting sick after eating too much of it. I couldn’t touch the stuff for years – but I had black and white drizzle popcorn for breakfast this morning.

    Yeah, popcorn – and Hook.

  5. LOVE popcorn!! It’s the mostest awesomeness snackiest snack ever!!! Can’t watch a movie without it!! Wait.. what were we talking about?? 😉

  6. Smell is the last sense to go.

  7. Doug in Oakland says:

    I don’t eat much popcorn any more because my teeth aren’t what they used to be, but I still love the way it tastes with butter, garlic salt, and lemon pepper on it, shaken up in a paper grocery bag to coat it evenly.
    Briana, on the other hand, will track the smell of it down and get some whenever she smells some, like in Target the other day. Who knew they had popcorn in Target?
    I think the tastes of chicken and also strawberry soda are pleasurable enough to make me want to stay around to get more of them, so perhaps you’re onto something here.

  8. StillWaters says:

    Popcorn. Sobey’s Compliment’s brand done in an air popper (so righteous!) with a significant amount of butter melting over the heated air at the top of the apparatus (a simple, but elegant, design). Any leftovers stored in the fridge and eaten the next day and the next, if available. Cold buttered popcorn. Yeah, baby! Sigh.

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