100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #95.

If you’re the kind of person who says things like, “It was so horrible… But I couldn’t look away!”, then you’ll love this one.

#95: Cats.

See ya later, dog lovers.

For those of you who are still with us… We’ll continue.

Cats were revered in ancient Egypt. Then again, so was slavery, being buried with all your worldly possessions and holding an asp to your breast; Egyptians were weird dudes.

Nowadays felines are enjoying a resurgence in popularity after losing ground to canines for decades. I spoke to a cat recently and while she didn’t actually use words to communicate, her expression screamed, “Those godless dog bastards thought they had us licked, but we’re cats… We’ll lick ourselves first!”

So as you can see, cats are endlessly entertaining. If you don’t believe me then you can just log on the interweb and watch every video featuring a cat doing something someone considers entertaining.

It should only take you the rest of your  natural life.

 

Even Mr. Spock recognized the therapeutic value of felines. “It’s only logical.” he remarked. Then he died. But of natural causes.

 

Cats are evil but in a fun way. Personally, I’ve never been able to devote more than a few minutes to frisky felines and their devious ways but if you’re feeling lower than low give YouTube a chance. Before you know it you’ll be yukking it up to cats that leap on sleeping babies, cats that pounce at grandma’s derriere as she attempts to sit down to watch her stories or even cats that claw a randy boyfriend’s crotch as he prepares to engage in coitus with some jealous feline’s mistress. As long as you’re not suffering from a gunshot wound, feline-induced laughter really is the best medicine, kids.

If you’re dead you can’t watch the latest shenanigans cats are engaging in online. Better yet, get yourself a feline of your own (a rescue is always best) and with the exception of a late-night trip-and-fall, they’ll bring you nothing but lifesaving entertainment. And a full litter box. But even dry heaving to the repugnant odor of an overflowed “cat toilet” beats death.

And on that pleasant note, see you in the lobby, friends…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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17 Responses to 100 Reasons To Not Kill Yourself: #95.

  1. dianaepona says:

    Don’t forget Data’s Spot the cat! And Sheldon Cooper seems to be drawn to them as well, lol. Our home is alive and well with cats…and dogs…most of them rescues. And, yes, they have all pulled me through some dark times. When I was at my lowest, and had two dogs and a cat, I told people they would eat first. Why? They didn’t sign on for my stupidity. But I gotta say, had it not been for the responsibility of taking care of them, I probably would have slipped through the cracks. Cats make no bones about the fact they are your friend only because you feed them. Remember that. Because if you die, and they cease to be fed, you will become the food source. Yet another reason not to commit suicide around cats. Keep ’em coming, Hook!

  2. nbratscott says:

    I’ve been refraining from reading these “100 Reasons” posts because it’s been the holidays and I’ve got my own demons.(If you’re u know what I mean) Im in no danger of jumping, there’s no good waterfalls in south jersey anyway, but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded of the wonderful things in our lives. You CONTINUE to make me laugh, cry, and think with every post….but, mostly you make me glad that I found your blog.
    I look forward to the rest of this series.(BTW- This would make a great book…but you probably know that already.)

    • The Hook says:

      I suck at writing books, but thank you for honoring me, my friend.
      And please… Continue to hang in there.
      The world’s a better place with you in it.

      • nbratscott says:

        You could just reprint the 100 reasons in book form!! That’s what many bloggers do! And I’d never leave this life….I don’t think they have internet in the afterlife!

      • The Hook says:

        If they do, they probably only connect to Christianity sites…

  3. StillWaters says:

    Well, of course. Cats ARE!! I’m staff to two rescues and was staff to other rescues. All of them are/were a joy and true therapy at rough times. Contrary to what some humans believe, cats don’t always just take.

  4. When my cats were alive I never ever would have left them. Now our rescue dogs fill the space and I would never ever leave them as well. Excellent reason not to kill oneself, Hook

  5. Doug in Oakland says:

    When Kitters (Ripcat Razortoes) disappeared, the house had this weird, empty, feeling to it. About two months later, Briana came in from the back yard with a scrawny black cat in her arms.
    He just showed up and meowed his head off in the back yard until she found him, brought him inside, and fed him tuna.
    He’s sleeping in the recliner as I type this, and is now a long way from being scrawny.
    We can’t seem to get a name to stick to him, and he’s been around long enough that I don’t foresee it happening any time soon.
    Which is inconvenient for making him famous on the internet, as you really need to have a name for your cat if you want him to be Internet Kitty of the Week on The Professional Left Podcast, as Kitters, Charlie Murphy, Sammy, Molly and Tikal, and Fiona and Lenny already have.
    I know several people whose cats and dogs sort of keep them functional enough to care for them on a regular basis, and that usually translates into being functional enough to care for themselves.
    A win-win situation the way I see it.

  6. Have you considered publishing these or making them into an ebook? (There’s plenty of pub.domain art/photos/cartoons available if you want illustrations)
    So delightfully good in so many ways. You might be surprised how many would appreciate the list if they knew about it

    • The Hook says:

      I’ll give it some thought, but only later in the year when I’m finally done.
      I realize the importance of what I’m doing and I don’t want to create/publish something that’s not as good as it could be.
      (Been there, done that.)

      • These are very very well done – a light touch of humor easing the serious
        Later is good. Some time the best work is spontaneous and straight from the heart.
        You are a writer, never doubt

  7. Couldn’t live without my animals… cats not so much! too many allergies in my house, but my dogs are part of the family! 😉

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