So the usual wave of Sunday morning chaos has washed over the hotel like a garbage-filled tide on a Los Angeles beach once more.
(Yes, I paint with words, what do you do to pollute the world?)
Here are just a few things I overheard on a morning that saw multiple bachelorette parties, wedding guests and Christmas party attendees make their way out of Niagara Falls. It always pays to pay attention to the world around you, kids, especially when you’re sitting at the Bell Desk waiting for luggage calls to come in.
“My head’s fuzzy; did I make out with Lindsey last night? ‘Cause I woke up smelling like her.”
“I can’t believe we let those guys stay in the room all night! One of them threw up in my bag! It had the weed I bought for my grandma in it!
“I just barfed all over a poinsettia in the lobby!”
Happy holidays, indeed.
Married Couples who never disappoint:
TED: Did you remember to bring the dog back in before we left, Janice?
JANICE: We’ve been gone two days now, Ted! I swear you do this every time! Why the fuck did we even get a dog? Or have kids for that matter?
TED: That wasn’t my fault! You told me that you were on the pill when you were cheating on your girlfriend! I married you, didn’t I? And we’ve been together five years, so what’s your problem?
It was at this point that Ted and Janice noticed me paying very close attention to their exchange and moved away from the Bell Desk, leaving me with several questions:
- Did anyone actually bring in that poor dog?
- Why would Janice need to be on the pill if she was with a woman?
- These people had a ton of luggage, so why didn’t they get a bellman? I have bills to pay, you dog-neglecting bastards!
A group of East Indians in their Twenties who were smart enough to enlist my services:
“Who’s driving anyways… We’re all drinking Coronas right now… And we’re fucked up!”
They really were. Fortunately, they were smart enough to hang around until they sobered up. The next group of East Indians I assisted included a grandma who began screaming from the other room in a foreign tongue.
ME: She certainly sounds animated about something!
HER YOUNG GRANDSON: Oh, she’s not animated… She’s real!
A high-end hooker who’s a regular at the hotel who was waving a twenty in the air in the middle of the check-out crowd:
“Who do I have to blow around here to get my keys?”
I approached her and pointed to the Valet Desk but not before adding a comment I knew wouldn’t offend someone in her line of work.
“Wouldn’t you be getting the twenty in that case?”
Naturally, she was more than ready for the likes of me, hitting back with a sultry whisper of a response:
“Honey, twenty dollars won’t even get me in your room, never mind in your pants.”
Note to Self: Stop talking to high-end hookers unless you want to wind up divorced.
And on that sobering note, here’s one more. As all this was unfolding around me a seventy-year-old man who was apparently too much in this world drove to the Table Rock complex and consigned himself to the watery depths of the Falls. He left behind a car littered with books on mental health.
I honestly don’t know what else to say about Niagara’s “dirty little secret” anymore. Having lost one of my best friend’s to suicide I have a different perspective than most on this almost-weekly occurrence at one of nature’s greatest creations. The holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy and gratitude but for so many it is a reminder of loss and failure.
Hold those you love close and count your blessings daily, my friends. And most importantly, if you’re feeling isolated and desperate… TALK TO SOMEONE, ANYONE.
See you in the lobby, kids…