Random Thoughts And Other Junk In My Head.

Here are some of the disjointed things I think about on a daily basis.

Welcome to my waking nightmare.

Will I go to hell for tweets like this?

And if I do, will there at least be an opportunity for me to torture other damned souls? Like, will I get a reprieve every one-hundred-and-fifty years or so during which I can stick it (literally) to people who have committed similar offenses, like people who have mocked PETA executives or people who have torn the “Do Not Remove” tags from mattresses. Because that would totally make an eternity of suffering pass by easier.

 

I’ve always suspected Brian went to Sweden and came back a Muppet…

 

Pot is legal now in Canada, so how long before everything becomes legal? For instance, how long before Trudeau tries to solve the immigration crisis he’s created by letting everyone go full Purge? Personally, my money’s on the new Canadians. They’re wirey devils.

 

Why can’t I shoot cheap people in the nuts with a bean bag gun?  It’s the Christmas party season once more at the hotel and cheap guests are everywhere. They stay on their company’s dime so the room isn’t costing them anything, and yet, they refuse to pay for the services of trained professionals like myself. Why would they do that? I’m adorable!

These anteaters constantly approach my desk and refer to a luggage cart as:

  • A wheelie thingy.
  • One of those push buggies.
  • A cartmobile.
  • “Something for my shit! Like a cart thingy!”
  • There are guests who can’t even find a word in their brain to describe a cart so they just stand in front of the Bell Desk and make a pushing motion with their arms.

And when I inform them the hotel is a full-service establishment they look at me as though I was speaking ancient Sumerian or some other language people refuse to use anymore. Like proper English.

And when I do help party guests I’m basically playing Russian roulette; sometimes I win and I walk away with a (small) gratuity for which I am eternally grateful, and sometimes, most of the time, I slink away defeated, regretting my decision to not marry that Jewish chick I met in college whose father was a bagel billionaire. Seriously, I could’ve been The Hook: Bagel Prince of Toronto.

Oh well, marrying for love worked out for my wife, so…

 

What kind of a jackass puts box cutters in a Christmas party gift basket? Seriously, I recently loaded up a luggage cart with X-mas party gift baskets that contained box cutters. Yes, someone actually thought it would be wise to give a hall full of drunk, frustrated, horny idiots box cutters.

That person should have their fingertips fed to the wolverines – and those fingertips should be removed with box cutters.

Yes, I have a violent side (online at least) and black humor is second nature to me, thanks ever so much for noticing.

 

Whatever happened to Puff Daddy or P. Diddy, or Puffy, or whatever the hell his name is now? Actually, scratch that, I’m not part of his target demographic – to say the least – so who cares?

And on that racist note, it’s time to go. As Dennis Miller used to say, I am outta here.

See you in the lobby, kids… 

 

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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27 Responses to Random Thoughts And Other Junk In My Head.

  1. Doug in Oakland says:

    Wait, if Canada went full purge, would anyone notice? They are, after all, Canadians…

  2. C.E.Robinson says:

    You’re in rare form today, Robert! (shaking my head). Where do you come up with these thoughts? Oh, I know, black humor is second nature to you! Keep it up, it’s good for a laugh. Believe me we need a laugh or two in this crazy world. 🤣 Christine

  3. davidprosser says:

    Sinner that you are, I somehow doubt you’ll be going to the warm place. You and other Canadians will be kept where the temperatures are cool.for poking fun at your neighbours and for beating them at ice hockey.
    Hugs

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    Another thought provoking post.

  5. If those gift baskets with box cutters also had air plane tickets, I’d be even m ore worried….
    “.. new Canadians. They’re wirey devils…” as long as they’re still funny and cool…uh, guess with the climate Canadians will always be cool…how fair is that?

  6. Enjoyed this one, Hook. Had to laugh out loud at the reference to new Canadians. How do you say eh in Spanish?

  7. Mark Myers says:

    Seriously, a bean bag to the nuts might be just what society needs!

  8. You are “adorable” and make me wish I travelled with multiple baggage items so I could let all Bellmen use that cart thingy just so I could overtip them.

  9. dianaepona says:

    I happen to think there’s a cloud in heaven for me for all the times I have mocked PETA big shots. That being said, I’ll be glad to bring in the ammunition mules with said bean bags if I get to watch you shoot penurious patrons in the gonads. PUHLLLEEEEEEEEEEZZZ!!!! That’s right up there with watching the grandson shoot his grandfather smack between the eyes with a Nerf dart just as his grandfather was walking through the door on Thanksgiving. You go, Dude!

  10. Laurie says:

    I thought I was the only person to have random bizarre thoughts like this. So funny! Glad I found your blog!

  11. messagemaggie says:

    I just took the box cutters out of my gift baskets. Thank you for saving me from myself.

  12. curvyroads says:

    Boo for cheap people! Xoxo

  13. Your Canadian mind is a terrible thing to waste… LOL! Hope you had a Merry Christmas and Boxing Day Robert! ❤

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