The Hook may not be as big a deal as Ron Burgundy but he’s no piker either.
Then again, I must admit that I don’t actually know exactly what a piker is, so it’s entirely possible The Hook may be one after all. Okay, so while I don’t know my precise nature, I can say unequivocally what I am not. And what is that, you ask?
The answer, you sexy beasts, lies in examining the many myths surrounding my person. So let’s do that, shall we?
ONE) I shaved my head because I’m going bald. That is of course, as the kids say, pure and utter poppycock.
The truth is, I suffer from “Reverse Samson Syndrome”, which, as anyone with an advanced degree in microbiology can tell you, is what happens when negatively-charged hair follicles disrupt the body’s innate positivity. In other words, the more hair I have, the less powerful I become.
It’s science, kids.
TWO) When I did have a full head of hair it was so full, lush and cavernous it defied the rules of space-time and contained it’s own microverse. The denizens there worshiped me as a god. I was known as Hookacles, Devourer of Souls.
The residents of my self-contained hair world were actually massive buzzkills who cramped my style. Plus, they were huge dicks who deserved to be rendered extinct and strewn about on the floor of Vito’s Barber Shop in beautiful downtown Niagara Falls.
Best fifteen bucks I ever spent.
THREE) Once, in the heat of a late-night riot in the lobby, I was forced to beat a drunken guest down with a live cat.
The cat was actually dead.
Fun Fact: You may not believe me, but there is more truth in this story than fiction.
FOUR) I once got into a verbal altercation with DJ Jazzy Jeff. (He no longer qualifies for even the Z-List, so I’ll wait while you Google him.) As the now-mythic story goes, he was on the phone while I delivered his bags to his room. I finished my labors and… he ignored me.
So I waited to let him now I was done and answer any queries he might’ve had.
And he continued to ignore me.
So I walked out and as I crossed the threshold back to the hall I said, “I know you’re busy trying to convince Will Smith’s secretary that he actually knows you… So I’m going to go, sir. Have a pleasant evening.”
Saying something like that would’ve been against hotel protocol so it couldn’t possibly be true. The fact is, I always say, “If you need anything else, please let us know.”
FIVE) Before she was known as the meat-dress-wearing songstress Lady Gaga, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta once stayed in the hotel while performing in a local nightclub. We chatted for a few minutes and I told her,
“Steffi, baby, what’s with the four names? No one’s going to book a performer whose name won’t even fit on the cheque! You need to create a persona, a larger-than-life alter ego who redefines the limits of imagination and good taste. Do something with meat, people love meat. Maybe rip off a Queen song…”
I ask you, gentle and sensual readers, does this sound like The Hook? I’d never tell anyone to rip off Freddie Mercury and his mates.
SIX) Eighties British pop singer Rick Astley actually “invented” Rickrolling himself after he heard of “Hookrolling”. For those of you who have been living in a cave without wi-fi (with your mom) here’s a quick explanation. Pay close attention because I won’t be doing this again:
Rickrolling is a meme and a prank (that’s what people do to each other when they’re not staring at a screen, kids; consider it an offline meme) involving an unexpected appearance of the video for Never Gonna Give You Up by the aforementioned, devilish cad, Rick Astley. The meme uses a disguised hyperlink that leads to the music video. The victims, believing that they are accessing some unrelated material, are said to have been rickrolled, and are often driven into a fit of rage that has led to mass rioting, wars and the loss of millions of lives. But it’s all in good fun, right?
It should be noted that simply reading about Rickrolling can plant the words and beat to Never Gonna Give You Up in your head, so the simple act of reading these words has Rickrolled you all.
Sorry, but it’s a well-established fact that I can be a bit of a dick sometimes so the blame’s not entirely on me…
At any rate, it has been theorized that Rick Astley used Rickrolling to revive his career and put himself back on the pop culture radar after hearing about Hookrolling. Again, for the uninitiated:
Hookrolling is what happens when a customer or hotel guest fails to leave a gratuity for a member of the service industry. The slighted server in question forwards the guest’s home address and information to the bellman known internationally as The Hook and he or one of his contacts visits the guest at home. What happens next is classified but it usually involves a car battery, jumper cables, two or three ferrets and a vat of ice water. Get the picture?
In this case I can neither confirm nor deny the validity of this myth. However, Rick Astley does send me a fruit basket every year at Christmas, so…
SEVEN) This post isn’t finished; there are more myths surrounding The Hook.
That’s an outright lie! I’m done exploring the many legends surrounding my existence.
See you in the lobby, kids…