I’m back, bitches!
To be entirely honest, I’m not all that comfortable with the term “bitches”, but it’s amusing, so it made the final edit. Or at least it would have if I had an editing process in the first place. But my question remains: what do I do now that I’m back in the blogging game?
Get back to basics, I suppose.
The phone rings at the Bell Desk. I answer. (Gripping stuff so far, right?)
FEMALE TRAVELER FROM GOD-KNOWS-WHERE: Yes, hello, can I have a guy with a thing to my room?
ME: (Stifling my laughter. But not much.) And what would you like the guy with the thing to do when he arrives at your room, miss?
FEMALE TRAVELER: I need him to take my shit downstairs!
Finishing school really paid off for this broad, didn’t it?
ME: We can send a bellman to your room to retrieve the luggage, miss. He’ll be right up…
FEMALE TRAVELER: But I’m not ready! I just wanted to see if it was possible to get a guy with a thing to take my shit downstairs!
ME: It’s more than possible, miss… it’s entirely doable! Just give us a call whenever you’re actually ready and we’ll send a bellman with a cart to your room.
FEMALE TRAVELER: Sounds awesome! What’s your number?
At that point, I shuddered and if it was possible, my head would have exploded from frustration.
ME: Forgive me, miss, but… if you don’t have our number… how are we speaking right now?
FEMALE TRAVELER: Uh… I’m really not prepared to answer any questions…
I think this chick thought she was being interrogated by the authorities. I was expecting her to ask to call a lawyer.
ME: All right, miss, just push the speed-dial button your phone marked, “Bell Desk” and you’ll be all set.
FEMALE TRAVELER: All I have to do is push the button?
ME: No, miss… you’ll have to actually pick up the receiver, put it to your ear and press the button. Someone at my desk (definitely not me) will answer and help you from there.
FEMALE TRAVELER: That rocks! This hotel has it on lockdown!
ME: I’m assuming that’s a good thing in this case… so thank you, miss.
Why in Heaven’s name don’t I drink or do drugs?
See you in the lobby, kids…