Summer of ’18… In Bite Sizes.

Well, another summer has come and gone – like most of the guests I deal with.

Especially the hookers.

This summer was no different than the last, truth be told. Last winter was a brutal one (it was slower than molasses in an Arctic snowstorm) and so I was skeptical about what this season held for the Bellmen, but it was as busy as the Las Vegas branch of Hell. And of course, there was another similarity I could’ve done without; I lost another loved one to the Grim Reaper’s icy embrace.

(Yes, my consciousness is healing – but very slowly, obviously.)

My fractured mind being what it is, I’ve decided to share a few snippets of encounters I had with various travelers to Niagara Falls this summer. Hey, it’s better than nothing, right?

We’ll begin with a little old lady who had dyed her hair a shade of blue; she was waiting in line at Burger King located in the Fallsview Casino, where I will occasionally enjoy a light lunch consisting of food guaranteed to kill me eventually. (“Eventually” being the key word.) The lady in question decided to extend her condolences about the passing of the Queen of Soul to an African-American gentleman with the largest Afro I’ve ever seen standing in line beside her.

BLUE-HAIRED OLD LADY:  Oh, honey, I was so sad to hear about that sweet Aretha Franklin. You must be so sad.

BIG-ASS BROTHER:  Why? I didn’t know the bitch!

With that brusque declaration, he took his double Whopper combo and walked off, leaving the precious little lady with the Smurf hair completely immobilized with shock. And there she stood. Staring at yours truly.

ME:  (While shrugging my shoulders.) I guess he didn’t know the bitch.

What else could I say? Okay, so there may have been a million different things I could’ve said. But I didn’t.

At any rate, my fellow hungry humans waiting in line with me must have approved, because they broke out into raucous laughter. One of them even congratulated me on being so witty… and bold.


How Can You Spot A Couple That’s Been Married Too Long?

It’s simple: Just look for an exchange like this one.

TIRED HUSBAND:  (Picking up stored luggage from The Hook at the Bell Desk.)  Thanks, Boss! The wife was supposed to help me but she’s too busy sitting in her ass over there on your couches! (To his lucky spouse.) Hey! Get over here and help me!

FRUSTRATED WIFE:  Oh, so you’re mad I didn’t help you, are you? Well, you were supposed to get me a cold drink!

TH:  What do I look like to you… a soda fountain?

FW:  No… you look like a big dumb elephant!

Yep, those people were definitely out of the honeymoon period…


Random Lines From Random Travelers.

In most hotels the Bell Desk is a fairly boring place; guests ask pedestrian questions about directions and dining options, store bags and generally hang out for a moment or two. In most hotels, that is. But as we’ve already seen, any hotel’s Bell Desk that employs me is anything but boring…

BAT-SHEEP CRAZY BLONDE COUGAR:  Mr. Bellman, can you let the Management know that I didn’t find the listening devices and cameras in the room… but I know they’re there! And thanks to them I couldn’t have sex with my honey! Even though I promised him that I would! And so he traveled thousands of miles and had to elude his wife… all to go home with blue balls! What do you think they’ll have to say about that?

ME:  Uh… the Management isn’t responsible for any missed orgasms, real or imagined, as a direct result of any listening or recording devices, real or imagined, in the room, miss.

BCBC:  Can I get that in writing?


My life really is this… unique, I swear!


PRETTY BRUNETTE STROLLING THRU THE LOBBY:  (Yammering into her phone.)  Yeah, girl, there are all kinds of people from Hamilton trying to have sex with me! It’s crazy!

I assumed she was referring to Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, not the musical.

But you never know.

It must be exhausting being this chick. Popularity can be such a heavy burden. Or so I’m told.


Then there were the African-American ladies from Detroit…

LADY IN THE SHOWER:  Hey, girls! Is that Bellboy here yet? I don’t want him to see me in the all-together!

LADY NOT IN THE SHOWER:  What you worried about, Thelma? He ain’t gonna look anyhow! Ain’t  no white boy want to see your wrinkly old ass!

ME:  (While loading their bags.)  Well, you never know. I could be into wrinkly old ladies.

ANOTHER LADY NOT IN THE SHOWER:  (Excitedly.)  Are you?

ME:  Hells, no!

They all lost it (in a good way) and declared me the funniest white boy they’d ever met. Personally, I was beaming at the fact I was able to say, “Hells, no!” to a guest and get away with it.

That’s all I have for you for now. Time for my traditional end of summer send-off:

Note: The Hook cannot guarantee carnal success – especially not when it comes to his own life…

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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47 Responses to Summer of ’18… In Bite Sizes.

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    So good to see you back, Hook!

  2. davidprosser says:

    Can’t tell you how nice it was to see another one of your posts and on my favourite subject too, Bat Shit Crazy people. I’m sorry you’ve suffered another loss but if you ever want to moan about life, drop me an email. Welcome back.

  3. Kay says:

    This was great! Thanks.

  4. H.E. ELLIS says:

    You had me at Hamilton.

  5. Good to see a post from you Robert. 🙂

  6. Glad you survived another summer!

  7. Good to see you here, Hook. Was a delight.

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    Thank you for making me laugh. Welcome back and all that jazz.

  9. Thanks for sending me off to dreamland with a chuckle and smile on my face! 😂 Your wit is just the right cocktail: dry with a twist.

  10. Good to see you back, Hook my old friend. The Aretha Franklin story had me snorting drink down my nose.

  11. dianaepona says:

    So, had two teeth pulled, bridge work sectioned. Told them to knock me out for the process. The day of the surgery, asked when I was going to fly with Peter Pan. The oral surgeon told me I’d be seeing the little dude soon, he had started the drip. He then advised I watch out for Hook. My response? “Oh, he’s a cool dude! We tweet a lot! Tick,tick,tick.” And that’s the last thing I remember before I woke up with two huge 4x4s sticking out of my mouth, and looking like a woozy walrus. Welcome back!

  12. Ankur Mithal says:

    Ha ha! Poor old bitch!! Died without the BIG ASS BROTHER knowing her.

  13. Loretta Hassler says:

    Way behind in my reading these days because of my babysitting chores with a 9 month old nephew, but fun to see another of your fun and witty blogs about the crazy batshit folks you encounter. You certainly haven’t lost your touch. Thanks for the entertainment

  14. Becky says:

    For whatever strange reason, it was the “all kinds of people from Hamilton” that really got me. I’ve said this before, but, I swear, you could write a smash-hit sitcom based on life as a bellman. I can picture it! Curb Your Enthusiasm meets The Office meets Parks and Recreation meets Arrested Development.

  15. Tara says:

    I was so happy to see the notification of this post in my inbox. Glad you’re back with all the entertainment bells and whistles (see what I did there?).

  16. curvyroads says:

    So good to see you post, Robert! And you are the funniest white boy I’ve ever met too! Snorted out loud! 🤣

  17. I’m glad things turned around tourist wise. It was looking pretty bleak there. Is that darn construction finished yet? It really put a damper on things (literally if I remember correctly). Here’s to hearing from The Hook again, a busy winter and no more Grim Reaper touching your life for a long while.

    • The Hook says:

      Construction is NOWHERE near finished.
      The new theater is supposed to be done by July 2019 but they’re six months behind and renovations inside the hotel will be going on for years.

      As for the winter and the Grim Reaper, we’ll see…

  18. So you’ve been seeing up your witty gems at Burger King? (Maybe the gal there would have gotten more respect if she’d had BK logo orange hair.)
    White Boys can’t dance, but they sure can get a laugh from just about anyone.
    Cheers and good to see ya again

  19. List of X says:

    That BCBC lady (I wonder if she’s from British Columbia, which would make her BCBCBC) was right. There WAS a listening and recording device in her room. What she didn’t realize is that it was you.

  20. Glad to see you back in all your glory Hook!! 😉

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