Well, another summer has come and gone – like most of the guests I deal with.
Especially the hookers.
This summer was no different than the last, truth be told. Last winter was a brutal one (it was slower than molasses in an Arctic snowstorm) and so I was skeptical about what this season held for the Bellmen, but it was as busy as the Las Vegas branch of Hell. And of course, there was another similarity I could’ve done without; I lost another loved one to the Grim Reaper’s icy embrace.
(Yes, my consciousness is healing – but very slowly, obviously.)
My fractured mind being what it is, I’ve decided to share a few snippets of encounters I had with various travelers to Niagara Falls this summer. Hey, it’s better than nothing, right?
We’ll begin with a little old lady who had dyed her hair a shade of blue; she was waiting in line at Burger King located in the Fallsview Casino, where I will occasionally enjoy a light lunch consisting of food guaranteed to kill me eventually. (“Eventually” being the key word.) The lady in question decided to extend her condolences about the passing of the Queen of Soul to an African-American gentleman with the largest Afro I’ve ever seen standing in line beside her.
BLUE-HAIRED OLD LADY: Oh, honey, I was so sad to hear about that sweet Aretha Franklin. You must be so sad.
BIG-ASS BROTHER: Why? I didn’t know the bitch!
With that brusque declaration, he took his double Whopper combo and walked off, leaving the precious little lady with the Smurf hair completely immobilized with shock. And there she stood. Staring at yours truly.
ME: (While shrugging my shoulders.) I guess he didn’t know the bitch.
What else could I say? Okay, so there may have been a million different things I could’ve said. But I didn’t.
At any rate, my fellow hungry humans waiting in line with me must have approved, because they broke out into raucous laughter. One of them even congratulated me on being so witty… and bold.
How Can You Spot A Couple That’s Been Married Too Long?
It’s simple: Just look for an exchange like this one.
TIRED HUSBAND: (Picking up stored luggage from The Hook at the Bell Desk.) Thanks, Boss! The wife was supposed to help me but she’s too busy sitting in her ass over there on your couches! (To his lucky spouse.) Hey! Get over here and help me!
FRUSTRATED WIFE: Oh, so you’re mad I didn’t help you, are you? Well, you were supposed to get me a cold drink!
TH: What do I look like to you… a soda fountain?
FW: No… you look like a big dumb elephant!
Yep, those people were definitely out of the honeymoon period…
Random Lines From Random Travelers.
In most hotels the Bell Desk is a fairly boring place; guests ask pedestrian questions about directions and dining options, store bags and generally hang out for a moment or two. In most hotels, that is. But as we’ve already seen, any hotel’s Bell Desk that employs me is anything but boring…
BAT-SHEEP CRAZY BLONDE COUGAR: Mr. Bellman, can you let the Management know that I didn’t find the listening devices and cameras in the room… but I know they’re there! And thanks to them I couldn’t have sex with my honey! Even though I promised him that I would! And so he traveled thousands of miles and had to elude his wife… all to go home with blue balls! What do you think they’ll have to say about that?
ME: Uh… the Management isn’t responsible for any missed orgasms, real or imagined, as a direct result of any listening or recording devices, real or imagined, in the room, miss.
BCBC: Can I get that in writing?
PRETTY BRUNETTE STROLLING THRU THE LOBBY: (Yammering into her phone.) Yeah, girl, there are all kinds of people from Hamilton trying to have sex with me! It’s crazy!
I assumed she was referring to Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, not the musical.
But you never know.
Then there were the African-American ladies from Detroit…
LADY IN THE SHOWER: Hey, girls! Is that Bellboy here yet? I don’t want him to see me in the all-together!
LADY NOT IN THE SHOWER: What you worried about, Thelma? He ain’t gonna look anyhow! Ain’t no white boy want to see your wrinkly old ass!
ME: (While loading their bags.) Well, you never know. I could be into wrinkly old ladies.
ANOTHER LADY NOT IN THE SHOWER: (Excitedly.) Are you?
ME: Hells, no!
They all lost it (in a good way) and declared me the funniest white boy they’d ever met. Personally, I was beaming at the fact I was able to say, “Hells, no!” to a guest and get away with it.
That’s all I have for you for now. Time for my traditional end of summer send-off:
See you in the lobby, kids…