Time for our fourth fantastic (as in the Fantastic Four) and final installment, kids!
Yeah, I’m a nerd, but I’ve had sex with a woman, so what of it? Speaking of sex…
FUN WITH HOOKERS – THAT DIDN’T COST ME A DIME.
76) I once shared an elevator with a hooker named Candy. More than once in fact. On one occasion, however, I couldn’t help myself; I had to comment on the young lady’s lack of creativity.
“But I taste great on the tongue… just like candy!”
77) Once upon a time there was a hooker who walked into the lobby at ten pm. She left an hour later and returned at midnight. She left again and returned, at two am. At no point did she change her clothes.
I still get itchy just thinking about it.
78) One particularly-industrious hooker developed a system that worked perfectly: she’d arrive in the middle of the night with a few of her colleagues, rent a few rooms, and hold “parties” in them. She’d bounce between rooms (and in them, no doubt) and make sure everything went as smooth as lube.
The hotel eventually shut her midnight party machine down but her legend lives on.
79) A hooker once walked in with her two young children in tow and asked me to babysit while she met up with her new “friend”. I’m guessing his nae was John. I had to refuse, even though she vowed, “I’ll make it worth your while honey!”
She was missing two teeth. And if I had said yes, I would’ve been too.
80) The pimp who came in on a Hoverboard. And checked in on a Hoverboard. And went to the room and helped unload his bags on a Hoverboard while his ladies got set up in the room.
81) The first night the hotel was opened was memorable; we had a skeleton crew (I was the entire Front Desk staff), numerous issues ranging from dead phone lines to wonky plumbing… and the most unattractive hooker I’ve ever seen.
That said, I felt really bad for the poor girl when she was turned away by the idiot on the thirty-second floor who, upon opening the door t her, said, “Oh hell, no!”, before slamming the door in her face. Undaunted, he came down immediately after she left and asked me for some more numbers of escort agencies.
I love humanity.
Niagara is the destination of choice for thousands of people who want to scratch certain experiences off their personal “I have To See This Place Before I Die” list. I’ve had the privilege of meeting some of these people and my life is richer for the experience.
82) A middle-aged lady from Ohio, who was afflicted with breast cancer declared…
“I came to kick Niagara’s ass and chew Big League Chew! And I’m all out of Big League Chew!”
Anyone who can face the grim specter of death and laugh about is okay in my books.
83) I met a man who had been given three weeks to live and he decided to blow his life savings at the casino while breathing in the natural wonder of Niagara. On one hand, I wanted him to lose (since that’s what he wanted) but on the other, what if he lost everything – and then went into remission?
84) There was the forty-something stockbroker from NYC who developed pancreatic cancer just as his investment ship came in. He wanted to see the Falls for himself “Just to be sure there’s actually something good and pure in a cruel, cruel universe.”
85) A couple that had been married fifty-five years found themselves behind an even bigger eight ball than the stock broker; they had both been given terminal diagnoses. Nevertheless, they were determined to make the most of the time they had left by breathing in the magnificence of the Niagara region. And by tipping me large.
And being the humanitarian I am, I let them.
MISCELLANEOUS ENCOUNTERS TO TAKE US HOME.
86) The little African-American teen from Watts – with the giant effed up afro – who approached my desk and asked, “Where the white women at?”
87) Louis Farrakhan and his entourage took over the valet deck one night. His bodyguards were packing obvious heat and they refused to let me take their charge’s bags upstairs without an armed escort.
Who’s going to steal Louis Farrakhan’s bags?
88) Love isn’t blind, the heart simply ignores what it cannot handle. I once shared an elevator with a petite, crimson-haired young lady with tears in her empty eyes. I recognized her as a new arrival; her boyfriend was a skeevy white boy with delusions of being the next Fifty Cent.
Her lover was a disaster but she was all over him in the lobby when they checked in though it appeared he had turned on her, and not for the first time, I was willing to bet. Normally, I’d avoid speaking my mind about a situation like this unless an opening presented itself.
But if not me, then who?
ME: You must have strong shoulders to carry such a weight.
HER: What? (She pondered my words for a moment and then continued.) Oh! Is it… that obvious?
ME: I’m sure you’re very strong… but yes.
HER: I’m just… dealing with some things right now. Sometimes… it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is, you know?
ME: Actually, I’ve always believed that we instinctively recognize the right thing… but our emotions tend to override logic. Love is a beautiful thing but it makes fools of us all at times.
HER: Oh. Uh… you sure don’t talk like other bellguys!
ME: There are no bellmen like me, miss. Sorry I can’t be of much real assistance, but I’m sure you’ll do the right thing… eventually.
HER: You don’t even know me. How can you have faith in me?
ME: In this job you learn to read people immediately. Besides, it doesn’t matter if I have faith in you… as long as you have faith in yourself. Of course, now I sound like a fortune cookie.
She laughed. It was probably the deepest laugh she’d released in some time. We parted ways and that was that; no resolution or happy endings, just two strangers in an elevator.
89) The two drunken bridesmaids I lent my luggage cart to. They wanted to make a splash when they walked into their BFF’s wedding reception and so the hotel’s banquet manager wheeled them in the hall’s main doors when their names were announced. In they went, their inebriated nubile forms splayed across the cart.
That’s a wedding photo you don’t put on the mantle, that’s for sure.
90) The two demonic African-American tweens who tried to shove their little white-as-snow sister down their floor’s laundry chute. (Not coincidentally, the hotel added locks to the chutes shortly thereafter.)
Why cant we all just get along and not try and shove our sister-from-another-mother down laundry chutes?
91) The celebrity-obsessed nine-year-old girl who told me, “John Mayer is a man-whore! I bet he has more diseases than the CDC!”
This kid was awesome.
92) The good ole boy from Alabama who pulled out a handgun and just started waving it around in the room while his friends just went about their business. The Hook, however, did his best Barry Allen impression and beat his feet out of there.
“Aren’t you gonna wait for your tip, boss?”
93) Another candidate for Mother of the Year: The moron on the thirty-second floor who allowed her twelve-year-old son to bring his camping axe into the hotel.
What could possibly go wrong?
94) The drunken high school chick who got blind stinking drunk one Friday night and somehow made her way down to the hotel’s basement, where she passed out in the laundry sorting room – directly below the chute.
You can see where this is going, right? Let’s just say she woke up pretty damn quick once enough laundry piled up on her. She scared the spit out of a couple of Mexican laundry workers when she started to get up and stumble around while covered in white sheets and mumbling like a creature of the night.
I’m pretty sure they both ran back to the border that very night.
95) Dakota, the dog whose home flooded two months ago and has been a fixture around the hotel ever since. Dakota will be leaving us soon and that’s good, since “Big D” needs a yard to run around in, but it sucks for all of us and our guests since we all love having him around. Then again, Dakota has been going stir-crazy lately and has taken to diving up at his mistress in an attempt to eat her face, so maybe it’s time for a change in scenery?
And doggie downers?
96) That crazy Shih Tzu that kept charging that “other crazy pup” it kept seeing in one of the full-length mirrors in the lobby. The best part of this story was the equally-crazy Asian woman who kept shouting, “How cute! You go, Princess!” every time her little doggie nearly bashed it’s brains out against the mirror.
97) The Royal Canadian Mounted Police officers who were beyond incensed when the Front Desk inadvertently put the kibosh on their sting operation. The RCMP had rented a room to spy on the suite next door which was apparently occupied by some nefarious types, who may have known the jig was up, and so they switched rooms.
Sadly, this didn’t lead to a high-stakes showdown or any gun play. But you can’t have everything, right?
98) The other hotel sting operation. The Niagara Regional Police aren’t extremely Chatty Cathys so I don’t have all the details, but here’s a quick rundown:
- There were hookers arriving at and departing the hotel in large numbers. (I’m not sure but I think the plural for large numbers of hookers might be “hooki”.)
- Several men in different vehicles arrived shortly thereafter; they weren’t staying in the hotel but requested parking.
- Several police officers ad detectives swarmed the deck as soon as the men went upstairs; the cops insisted the valet drivers leave the cars on deck so they could record the license plates and search the cars. (Don’t ask me about whether or not the cops had warrants. I don’t argue with people who have mace and guns.)
- The hotel was getting slammed so the valet drivers argued against leaving all those cars on deck.
- The valets lost.
- Various law enforcement agents proceeded to the rooms in question.
- Arrests were made.
- Turns out the hookers were acting as drug mules, their pimps were acting as dealers, and the cops were acting as cops.
Being a bellman may not always pay much, but at least it keeps me out of jail.
99) Reader’s Choice. Yes, you read that correctly! I’m putting the power back in your hands, friends! Everyone has a favorite Hook adventure they like to revisit at those moments when the mind is prone to wandering, like at the birth of your first child or during a disappointing sexual encounter.
So it’s up to you, readers, search your memory, find a story I haven’t recounted here and say to yourself, “That looks good… I think I’ll throw that sucker in this space!”
And yes, that is what she said, actually.
100) Rockin’ Ronnie. No list of my unforgettable encounters as a bellman would be complete without mentioning my rock ‘n roll bellman-brother-in-arms, Ron Stevens. I’ve written extensively about Ronnie in the past and honestly, it would be impossible to pick one story to feature here, but many of you have asked to see the man himself, so here’s a clip of my fallen brother in action alongside other members of his extended family.
Every damn day, Ronnie. Every damn day…
See you in the lobby, kids…