Only The Hook…

A recent post by the incomparable Susie Lindau was the inspiration for this post.

In Bad Luck Comes in Threes, Right?, Susie discusses her recent run of misfortune and while I genuinely felt bad for her, I couldn’t help but marvel at her brilliance. And her not-so-good luck set my own creative wheels in motion so it was a win-win situation. Dontcha love it when that happens?

So here a few incidents from my own life that should leave you thinking, “Only The Hook…”

ONE)  I had a cougar ask me, “Where can a horny bitch get a drink around here?”

It was ten am. On a Sunday.

Of course, this was the same cougar who asked me for a new life when I got to the room. This was the same cougar who told me she was in Niagara for her bachelorette party and that, “time was running out!” And this was the same cougar who, when I asked her if she had at least had one last fling before she entered into what appeared to be a reluctant union, responded with, “Are you volunteering?”

A lady to the manor born, right?

Luckily, I wriggled out of that one, but the drama didn’t end there. This same cougar stored her luggage and, at my suggestion, took off to the casino to see if she could score some alcohol. Sure enough, she returned two hours later, lit up to the gills and loaded for bear, as they say. Sadly, her inebriated state didn’t inspire her to leave me a healthy gratuity… but I escaped with my virtue (ahem) intact, so it was a win for The Hook.


Even after twenty years in the hospitality trenches, I don’t have my people skills down pat… but that’s only because people keep getting loopier by the second.


TWO)  I’ve transported some unique items in my twenty years as a bellman, including antlers, drunken bridesmaids, goldfish in their bowls, a dead, frozen cat, and now…


THREE)  I’m reasonably certain I’m the only bellman in Niagara – and possibly the world – who has been chased through the lobby by a golden Labrador Retriever wearing dark green winter booties during the height of the Sunday morning check-out frenzy. I am happy to report that my bad knee held out and I made my escape (while laughing my head off at the absolute absurdity of my situation) before I became dog chow.

“Killer” was quickly brought back under control by his owner, who was equally amused by the situation. She slipped me a few bucks, “for my trouble” and we parted ways. Truthfully, this incident was worth its weight in blogging gold so I would’ve happily slipped her a few bucks, as opposed to the cougar, who I wasn’t about to slip anything.


I still think canines are awesome…


FOUR)  And finally, only The Hook could serve a group of African-American twenty-somethings from NYC whose luggage consisted of plastic bags, crazy-funky, ridiculously-over-priced sneakers, sleeping bags and ten cases of orange and grape soda, and survive the following exchange:

NUBIAN SISTA:  Are we a stereotype or what, Mr. Bellguy? You’re probably thinking, ‘These people are crazy!”, right?

ME:  Well… you haven’t really fully reinforced any stereotypes…

Just then, her boyfriend emerged from the other side of their big-ass SUV… with a watermelon and bucket of KFC. I swear it. Don’t ask me where he scored a watermelon; I’m assuming they brought it from New York, but either way, I was speechless.

For two seconds.

ME:  Okay… so now perhaps you’ve veered into stereotypical behavior… but it’s awesome, so who cares?


And that’s it for now. Admit it, you’re sooooo jealous of me, aren’t you?

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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23 Responses to Only The Hook…

  1. Your life is definitely interesting Robert! 😉

  2. markbialczak says:

    Thanks for the chuckles, Hook. What’s tucked inside that PCV, anyway? That’s got me wondering …

  3. What a series of events. Very entertaining, Hook

  4. I am SOOOOOO jealous. You have no idea how jealous. I want your damn job!! I want to be in the elevator with crazy people and chased by Golden Retrievers. Let me just go now with my green self and dream on. Great story Hook!

  5. Good ones! Wanna make any bets as to how long that cougar’s marriage lasts? Yikes! You would show Golden’s. I’m a sucker for a lab. Thanks for sending me off to bed with a smile on my face tonight.

  6. curvyroads says:

    Thanks for the laughs Robert!!!

  7. I am very grateful for you. You make my friends look…almost normal.

  8. StillWaters says:

    Never a dull moment, eh Hook? I’ve got to ask my cousin about stuff like this. She works at a(n) hotel in a bad-ass east coast city so she must have some good stories.

  9. Doug in Oakland says:

    Just don’t forget what Neko Case said about cougars: “A cougar is an animal that eats you whole and poops you out on a rock.”

  10. At least you finally got a gratuity!!! You should promote having dogs there all the time. Instigate a chasing scene like the above and you will be rolling in the tips. Also, you will lengthen your life span by getting into good shape with all the sprinting you will be doing.

  11. englishrose659 says:

    I like the phrase ‘nubian sista’. Only in America..

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