What’s Going On, Hook?

Like my high school girlfriend told me when I announced my plans to move to Los Angeles and star in a series of adult films titled, “You’ve Been Hooked!”… it’s time to get real.

I’ve been horribly blocked for some time now – and not just internally. (IBS rules!) And so this post is a lame attempt to write… that’s it… I’m just going to write and see where we wind up. Let’s look at the news, among other topics, shall we?

How do I feel about ongoing renovations in the hotel?

Truth time, friends: the only thing worse than staying in a hotel under renovations is working in a hotel under renovations. It’s a major pain in the backside. Between the longer elevator wait times, ignorant construction workers with zero clue how to interact with guests, and the new, ridiculously-complicated paths I have to navigate just to get into the building, my nerves are as fried as my home and native land is going to be after Justin Trudeau legalizes marijuana later this year.

But the worst part of these changes are all the Management bodies that keep coming around to check things out. You see, friends, front of the house hotel employees such as myself do things our own way (I certainly do) and so we prefer to stay away from big wigs and upper-tier managers for fear of what they’ll uncover or say. (Not that there’s anything going on. *Cough*.) It’s just like how you feel when you’re driving and you see a cop in your rear-view mirror.

 

Yep, it’s just like this.

The stock market has dropped faster and deeper than my heart when my wife tells me we’re having spaghetti for dinner.

The Dow Jones industrial average plunged more than 1,100 points yesterday as stocks took their worst loss in six and a half years. Two days of steep losses have erased the market’s gains from the start of this year and ended a period of record-setting calm for stocks.  This is according to the poindexters in charge of these things.

Now I’m the first to admit that I don’t understand these things but here are my tips for handling this situation.

ONE)  Don’t panic! I’m sure the slammer helps, right? But seriously, there are so many other things about your life that are fucked up that this isn’t even worth your time.

TWO)  Buy, buy, buy! Break open that piggy bank and purchase some stocks while they’re in the crapper. That way, you’ll be laughing when the market inevitably course corrects.

THREE)  Just do what the stock guys do: call your dealer, your mistress or your local liquor store to see how soon they can send over whatever you need to get you through this mess.

FOUR)  Relax! This only happened because I just got into the stock market. Everything will be fine once Mistress Fate gets tired of screwing me.

 

An Old Navy store reopened Thursday after a temporary closure that came after a, African-American customer alleged he had been racially profiled.

Damn crackers.

Yes, that may have been inappropriate, but the whole world’s gone mad anyway so my dark humor is entirely justified.

 

More than 1,200 Winter Olympics security workers have been pulled off duty after dozens were stricken with a vomiting illness; military personnel called in for backup.

Later Tuesday evening, the organizing committee in South Korea said thirty-two cases of Norovirus had been confirmed and those people were quarantined after being treated. Those thirty-two cases involve twenty-one private security staff members from the Horeb Youth Center and eleven people from other locations, including three foreigners.

I told them not to serve those breakfast sausages Kim Jong-un sent over…

Yes, I said duty. Grow up.

 

U.S. cities dominate the world’s top 10 most traffic-congested urban areas, with L.A. in the lead with the most soul-crushing and environmentally-damaging gridlock, according to traffic analytics firm INRIX.

But President Trump has assured Americans he has everything under control as he rolled out plans for his solution to this crisis:

The man’s a genius.

 

This Is Us finally let the cat out of the bag with the big reveal about Jack’s death in a post-Super Bowl episode.

Okay, so I’ve never seen this show because I cry at pretty much everything these days, so this show would make me fellate a shotgun, so I’m out. But apparently Milo Ventimiglia’s character survived a major blaze at the family homestead after saving his entire clan, the dog, and several precious mementos… only to die of smoke inhalation afterwards in the hospital.

Can you say anti-climactic, kids?

 

And so as I often tell the wife, that’s all I got.. so I hope it was enough.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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31 Responses to What’s Going On, Hook?

  1. Bet it’s even more fun during a renovation when cheap companies book meetings and conferences there to save a buck then complain about all the noise and mess. Yep worked for those lovely people on occasion.
    Discrimination? Profiling? Hey it’s OLD Navy…he should have ventured into a NEW Navy store for better treatment.
    Actually, several companies (outside the USA who seems to be falling behind in inventions/space…seriously – putting a red Tesla convertible in orbit to become glitzy space junk? Just because you can doesn’t mean… afraid it’s the current mindset…) are working on/already have prototypes of personal air transport that remind me of the Jetsons – cool! Eventually will have a post on them…but this grey weather makes me sleepy and hibernate.
    Humor on! – dark or otherwise, Hook

  2. Julie says:

    Hiya hook! Don’t worry about your blockage, just like the stock market, (and ibs, this too shall pass! Haha! I crack me up!) I was semi correct with my This Is Us prediction, I thought it too obvious that Jack would die rescuing the dog. Love that show. The characters are my pretend real life friends. All of em.

    The issue that has been slapping me in the face with surprising regularity as of late is my apparent inability to find even mediocre customer service anywhere. It makes me so angry and adds a degree of difficulty to continue to provide exemplary customer service myself. I know how it’s not right for me to provide sucky service just because I’ve been victim of it, but it’s certainly challenging. Just as I know letting someone get to me helps me to become the kind of person I don’t want to be. I know these things. Shouldn’t that make it easier?

    Thanks for writing, and thanks for listening.

  3. The world is full of mundanities that actually make it work. Apart from TFF. He’s not mundane.

  4. What were your plans again?😀

  5. curvyroads says:

    Oooh I am glad I watched This is us last night, before I read This! Maybe add a spoiler alert for those of us who are late for everything?

    PS I hope things get easier buddy!

  6. Good humorous post, Hook. I think your stock market advice is sound. I would just add, don’t look at where your stocks are today. Plenty of time to worry tomorrow.

  7. davidprosser says:

    It’s not often I come for therapy and leave worse than I began. Your mood seems to be lower than that of my carpet. I know some days just don’t seem worth getting up from the floor but I don’t think I like my therapist being lower than me.That would put me in charge and no-one wants that.
    Stand under one of those artificial sunlight lamps, shake off S.A.D. and return full of the customary snark about the guests or at least tell your friends (including me) what we can do to help change your current run of luck.
    Hugs Robert.

  8. Doug in Oakland says:

    Well, we just legalized pot here an California and…. I don’t notice any difference, really.
    But you know who does notice a difference? Thousands of people who had been convicted of potcrime in San Francisco who have all had their convictions vacated, and can now do things like vote and get jobs…

  9. Tara says:

    Wait – I thought everybody “wings it” like I do. No? And speaking of winging it, if I had two nickels to rub together, I might invest in the stock market again. Do they take nickels? And, speaking of the stock market, I thought that duty was spelled “doodie?”

  10. StillWaters says:

    That president down south could go in the opposite direction of the Jetsons and make Flintstone automobiles mandatory. Goes with his Neanderthal mentality.

  11. The first time I read this I was sat here stunned when I realized Hook had just divulged the long awaited secrets I had yet to uncover hidden in my PVR until I could properly savour the moment of unveiling. The Hook! Who never blathers on about any other program in the world but his beloved Murdoch Mysteries. I thought this was a safe space. I had to set this aside so I wouldn’t say something I would regret (I probably wouldn’t really regret it) and thus tarnish our relationship. That being said, I still wanted to comment so I can continue to be supportive to my “buddy” The Hook. So, I had to read it again and got all emotional at the same part for different reasons because, yes, now I have actually watched the episode. This is the best I can do. 😉

  12. jlheuer says:

    I write a blog, I get it. Most times I just have nothing to say or I’m afraid to say what’s going on in my head for fear of lawsuits or God striking me dead. Probably why I stick to safe subjects like food and books.

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