Don’t Go To Hotel Hell! (Always Ask A Bellman.)

Well, hello there!

I’m afraid I didn’t see you there. (The Canadian government still hasn’t approved my patent for reverse cameras on computers which would allow me to forge a stronger, more intimate connection with my readers. Justin Trudeau is too busy legalizing weed, I guess.) At any rate, here we are. Let’s get started, shall we?

What’s that? Started with what, you say? I’m so glad you asked instead of clicking away to a Tube site to watch some mouth-breather attempt to achieve immortality by strapping a squirrel to a bottle of Diet Coke filled with Mentos. (Though for the record, I maintain the whole thing would’ve worked if those damn Humane Society fools hadn’t meddled with my unique genius.)

Where the hell were we?

Oh yeah, the reason we’re all here. Not on the planet, I mean. I’m not interested in getting philosophical. Don’t get me wrong, that approach works great with hipster college chicks but I’m married, what do I care about getting laid? But once again, I digress.

The point of all this rambling is this: After twenty years in the Niagara Falls, Canada, hospitality industry I’ve realized two things…

  1.  You should never trust a hooker who demands the money upfront, and then leaves to go get her sister, Chastity, “Who is even more of a nymphomaniac than I am!”.  Spoiler alert: Her sister may not even be real. Either way, neither of them has a very admirable work ethic.
  2.  Left to their own devices, coupling humans will set their hotel room on fire while experimenting with a half-dozen waffle irons, a car battery, a case of lube, and six Krispy Kreme donuts.  In other words, people, need guidance, especially while traveling.

And that’s where I come in. And no, that’s not quite what she said, but I like the way your mind works.


My life is a disaster movie-in-progress.  Please, take a seat and enjoy the show.


You see, friends, your old buddy, The Hook, is in a unique position (and not just in the bedroom!) in the hotel biz. A bellman is stationed at the front entrance of a property, where he can study the actions of virtually every guest who meanders, stumbles, races, and even on rare occasion, walks, through the revolving doors. A bellman is also invisible to most of the guests he serves, thus allowing him to observe these fascinating creatures up close. A bellman’s duties (stop giggling, it’s beneath you) require him to traverse every inch of a hotel and so he forms connections with staff members of every department from Valet to Maintenance to Food Stores to the guys we call when someone goes all John Wick in a high-roller suite.

I think their names are Morty, Sal and Herb. But since they don’t really exist (even though they totally do) don’t quote me.

So trust me when I tell you a bellman is a good guy to have on your side and at your disposal when traveling, friends. We know everybody and everybody knows us. As a result, we can get you anything you might need or desire, at any hour you might require or crave it. As long as its legal, of course.

You understand I have to state that last part at least once, right? The truth is, everything is negotiable. Don’t believe me? I once sang “My Heart Will Go On” for a whale’s (that’s hotelese for a rich guest) Mexican tátara abuela while wearing assless chaps. Truth be told, it was the easiest hundred bucks I ever made.

So now that we understand each other we can move forward. A new year is fast approaching and it brings with it multiple opportunities for me to entertain and enlighten you. Stay tuned to this space for such thrilling travel  posts as, “Don’t Eat That, It’s Still Moving! A Look At What Really Goes On – And What Attempts To Crawl Away From – Hotel Kitchens”, “Spitting: The Vastly Underrated Foreplay Component” and “How To Get Away With Never Paying For An Upgrade Again.” (Hint: You’ll need to bring your own decapitated hooker for that one.)

Yes, 2018 looks to be quite promising, my friends. Let’s face it, it can’t possibly be any worse that 2017. (And yes, I really went there.) And as many of you suspected and urged… I’m back. Thanks for believing in me. I truly wish I could give up but it’s just not in my DNA.

Looks like I will be seeing you in the lobby after all, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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38 Responses to Don’t Go To Hotel Hell! (Always Ask A Bellman.)

  1. davidprosser says:

    Let’s both hope for a superb New Year so we both benefit Mon Ami.

  2. Thanks for the laughs. I’m glad you are back. 😀

  3. Marion Hardy says:

    Looking forward to every post my friend!!! Happy New Year😊

  4. I hope you can hear the applause from here. Welcome back!! Can’t wait for more stories. I worked in the hospitality off and on in my much younger days (as a maid) and I’m so glad I never had to clean rooms after New Year’s. The stories about lamps ripped off the walls and broken televisions, were enough to scare me off. Happy New Year Robert! It can’t be worse than 2017 was.

  5. Allie P. says:

    Hip hip hooray! The year is already off to a good start

  6. As always, I’m looking forward to your posts. Happy holidays, btw. 😀

  7. Becky says:

    Welcome back!

  8. Kay says:

    So glad you’re back!

  9. What’s the point of having a New Year without our Hook? Well, there isn’t one. I don’t have one. You’ve really got no choice. See you on the other side.

  10. dianaepona says:

    2018 WILL be better. I’ve looked all over down here, and I haven’t seen a hot rock with your name on it. LOL, remember. My name is Rosemary, and I have had the baby. I was even born in Omaha, NE, just like in the book. I have every faith we will be eating some of your dust, and that’s a good thing. Blessings, Stinkerbell!

  11. Yes, it must be a better year, Hook. Happy New Year. Have a thriving Thursday!

  12. Tara says:

    Yes, yes, yes! (shouted loudly and significantly less moany than a second-class hooker. ❤

  13. colemining says:

    I obviously missed something, but happy to have you here, Hooky! Happy 2018!

  14. StillWaters says:

    You sang “My Heart Will Go On”??? Oh dear. Well, I’m sure you gave it everything you had. Should I start referring to you as Celine?
    My very best wishes for a wonderful and healthy 2018. Looking forward to more of your blogs.

  15. Britt says:

    Was so happy to see a post from you! Happy New Year, my funny friend. xoxo

  16. Here’s to a happy, healthy and successful 2018!! xx

  17. curvyroads says:

    Happy New Year, Robert, and I’m so glad you’re back!

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